Confidence with women

[TwilightSky]

I used to overthink everything in the moment. Like if a girl flirted with me(which was rare) I would just freeze up and come up with every excuse to just not do anything. One piece advice I can give you is don't masterbate... or atleast only once every 2 weeks. That means no looking at porn. The hornyness will build up in you and you can use that energy as fuel whether it be in the gym, at work, or most importantly overcoming your mind when it comes to women.

 

It's good to know I'm not the only person to over-think situations like that. I guess I'm just really tired of being alone and do want to be with someone, you know? It's just really hard when you feel inadequate, especially when certain people claim they are "better" than you in that area (getting women), even if they don't have any proof per say. That makes me doubt mysel even more.

 

As for the not masturbating thing, well, for some reason my actual sexual urge is way down from what it once was. I can go a week without masturbating no problem. I've gone longer (about a month) and it really doesn't effect my assertivenes(sp?) much, but it makes me more agitated.

 

I don't know, I feel "unbalanced" with my emotions, I very much want a partner but in my current state that seems so unachievable.

[TouchedByViolet]

It's good to know I'm not the only person to over-think situations like that. I guess I'm just really tired of being alone and do want to be with someone, you know? It's just really hard when you feel inadequate, especially when certain people claim they are "better" than you in that area (getting women), even if they don't have any proof per say. That makes me doubt mysel even more.

 

As for the not masturbating thing, well, for some reason my actual sexual urge is way down from what it once was. I can go a week without masturbating no problem. I've gone longer (about a month) and it really doesn't effect my assertivenes(sp?) much, but it makes me more agitated.

 

I don't know, I feel "unbalanced" with my emotions, I very much want a partner but in my current state that seems so unachievable.

 

Everyone deserves someone. I'm not good at conversing either but I am good at listening and then inputting my ideas, opinions, and beliefs. This works for me to an extent, but I struggle to maintain conversations as well.

 

I totally understand how other people can make you feel inadequate but try to remember one important thing. If you yourself didn't feel inadequate no one could convince you that you are. Keep trying to meet woman and ignore the negative people. They have their own problems, and joke you as a way to make themselves feel better.

[TwilightSky]

Everyone deserves someone. I'm not good at conversing either but I am good at listening and then inputting my ideas, opinions, and beliefs. This works for me to an extent, but I struggle to maintain conversations as well.

 

I totally understand how other people can make you feel inadequate but try to remember one important thing. If you yourself didn't feel inadequate no one could convince you that you are. Keep trying to meet woman and ignore the negative people. They have their own problems, and joke you as a way to make themselves feel better.

 

I see what you are saying. I did misrepresent, though, when I said certain "people." Right now, it is only one person that believes he is superior, he thinks that of everyone, and he doesn't have any proof. It still makes me doubt myself, not sure how to get rid of that. Kind in a hurry right now will post more later. Thanks for the advice so far

[Green]

Remember all that matters is the present. Who cares if some other guy claims he has slept with all these women and that his gf or whatever has sex with him every night. Don't let that get to you.

 

You will be the same guy you are now after you have had relationships with women. Guys will still tease you at work whether you had 100 or 0 seriouse gf's in ur life. Don't let it get to you.

 

The fact is you are your greatest barrier. Come back with stories of how you tried online dating and msg'ed women too meet in person. Stories of how you flirted with the cute girl in line at the store. Stories of how you went out and tried dancing with women. Yes go out there and try all the things you want to do but are afraid too. I know its not that easy, but in a way it is that easy. You just have to decide to do the things you wanted to do but were afraid to do. Come back with stories of how you completly put urself in a position to be rejected. Truth is not every girl will reject you, you'll find a nice gf and who know get married or at a minimum lose ur fear of women.

 

Remember when you have a chance to flirt then flirt, when you have a chance to touch then touch, and for god sakes if you have a girl on a date then go in for that kiss on the lips some time b4 you say goodbye.

 

So come back with stories of how you actualy tried to overcome your fear. You hold the key. Even if you spent your entire life one way it doesn't matter because those are just memories now, the present is where we live life.

[skydiveaddict]

OP I'll give one of caliguy's sugesstions get this book

[TwilightSky]

That's an interesting book, skydiveaddict. Not sure if it is totally focused on my issue, but it may help. I guess it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot. Although I wouldn't say I'm the typical "nice guy that dotes on women" I'm more the "shy guy who's too afraid to talk to them." Don't know if you'd consider that a step below the typical nice guy.

 

Remember all that matters is the present. Who cares if some other guy claims he has slept with all these women and that his gf or whatever has sex with him every night. Don't let that get to you.

 

You will be the same guy you are now after you have had relationships with women. Guys will still tease you at work whether you had 100 or 0 seriouse gf's in ur life. Don't let it get to you.

 

The fact is you are your greatest barrier. Come back with stories of how you tried online dating and msg'ed women too meet in person. Stories of how you flirted with the cute girl in line at the store. Stories of how you went out and tried dancing with women. Yes go out there and try all the things you want to do but are afraid too. I know its not that easy, but in a way it is that easy. You just have to decide to do the things you wanted to do but were afraid to do. Come back with stories of how you completly put urself in a position to be rejected. Truth is not every girl will reject you, you'll find a nice gf and who know get married or at a minimum lose ur fear of women.

 

Remember when you have a chance to flirt then flirt, when you have a chance to touch then touch, and for god sakes if you have a girl on a date then go in for that kiss on the lips some time b4 you say goodbye.

 

So come back with stories of how you actualy tried to overcome your fear. You hold the key. Even if you spent your entire life one way it doesn't matter because those are just memories now, the present is where we live life.

 

Yeah, you're right the present is all that matters, in this case. Let me ask you something then since you came from a situation similiar to mine: Has your experience with women expontentially increased since you had your first relationship? It seems like it has I just wanted to ask a more specific question, I guess.

 

Another thing, is that my anxiety makes me "blank out" when talking to intimidating people, authority figures, women, etc, so it is like they'll say something to me, and I come up with a generic response because most times I'm too nervous to comprehend what they are saying to me/or think of an intelligent/charismatic response. You might ind this weird but I guess it is best to get all the information out so anyone can analyze this better.

[skydiveaddict]

That's an interesting book, skydiveaddict. Not sure if it is totally focused on my issue, but it may help. I guess it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot. Although I wouldn't say I'm the typical "nice guy that dotes on women" I'm more the "shy guy who's too afraid to talk to them." Don't know if you'd consider that a step below the typical nice guy.

 

 

 

.

 

 

Those issues you have are dicussed at length in the book. It's only ten bucks at amazon. I would give it a try. This book changed my entire attitide towards meeting women, overcoming shyness, my own self-doubts. It's worth a read Caliguy is the one who turned me on to the book. pm him and ask him what he thinks as well

Edited February 10, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[TwilightSky]

If they are discussed thoroughly in the book, then I suppose I should take a chance and buy it. At ten bucks, I can't really go wrong.

 

As far as it changing your attitude though...has it made you more successful with women? I'm assuming it has, but just wanted to ask.

 

EDIT: Just purchased the book through Amazon, a step in the right direction I hope *shrugs*.

Edited February 10, 2010 by TwilightSky

[Green]

Since I had my first romantic relationship with a woman, I had about two more before finding my current gf. I also went on a few dates that didn't end up going anywhere either because of me or the girl.

 

Alot of this stuff you want to do can't really be explained to you properly through words alone. You really have to go out there and flirt with that girl at work you like. You need to put yourself in a position to get called a creep and rejected by a woman. You need to flat out ask a woman out on a date and then kiss her on the lips.

 

Like do you do something like running or what ever where you see women you are attracted to? Go aproach those women, flirt with them. You don't have to say anything witty or funny, just think of all the lame football players who have wives and gf's who love them. My point is you are your only obstacle, you are so afraid of getting rejected and thought of as a creep that you don't do anything.

 

I think my true turning point was when I learned to enjoy getting to know some one. Going in for that first kiss became exciting not a scary is she going to reject me and call me a creep thing.

 

Girls are going to reject you and think you are a creep most likely. You only need one girl to enjoy your company though so it doesn't matter if some random girl gets freaked out by you or annoyed by you.

 

I never read that book you had recomened to you. And the only thing that book can do to help you is motivate you to do the things you already know.

 

You already know you need to just be brave and talk to girls you like. You already know you have to say funny things and laugh and have a good time. You already know you have to be romantic and kiss the girl.

 

Stop doing what is easy, and start doing what is hard. Come back online and post about how you tried to chat up a girl in line who you thought was cute and you asked her out to lunch or what ever. Tell us about how you went out dancing, and actualy went up to a girl and tried to dance with her. Come back and tell us how yuo suggested you meet up with a girl you met online and asked her out to dinner and before the end of the date you just went in and kissed her on the lips.

 

seriously when you come back and tell us about how you are actualy trying I'm sure your problem will be gone. But you my friend are not even trying because you are so afraid of looking stupid because you have nothing to say, or being rejected because a girl thinks you are anoying or creepy.

 

I don't always have something funny to say. You can just kiss when you don't have anything to say. And I've been rejected by girls because they thought I was creepy, or anoying, or gross ect. In the end it doesn't matter, and its kind of funny. Go out there and try, BE YOURSELF. I know because of your shyness not many people probably have an idea of what you are actualy like. Well show some girl who you actualy are, and be confident and unapologetic. You don't have to tell a girl that you have little relationship experience. No one knows, and even if she asks, just turn it into a joke and be like don't worry I know what to do and just kiss her. Most people suck at kissing, dancing and all things romantic anyways so really your confidence will be the only thing you need to work on.

[TwilightSky]

Girls are going to reject you and think you are a creep most likely

 

Care to elaborate on this? I don't really have time I gotta go to work but if you could clarify this I'd appreciate it.

[Green]

Care to elaborate on this? I don't really have time I gotta go to work but if you could clarify this I'd appreciate it.

 

My guess is thoughts like this or other negative thoughts are what keep you from actually trying anything. I'm just letting you know that women will think bad things about you most likely no way around it. You are afraid to fail, so affraid that you don't try at all. But in doing so you are already failing so you might as well go out and fail.. and then you will taste sucess.

[TwilightSky]

I'm just asking here, sorry if this comes across as a little paranoid. But why do you ASSUME they will "think bad things about me"? And yeah you're right I am afraid. There are plenty of guys out there that aren't perceived as "creepy" by most women, I wish I could be like them.

 

Anyway, that is my last sliver of free time before work, will have a more lengthy response later.

[Green]

I'm just asking here, sorry if this comes across as a little paranoid. But why do you ASSUME they will "think bad things about me"? And yeah you're right I am afraid. There are plenty of guys out there that aren't perceived as "creepy" by most women, I wish I could be like them.

 

Anyway, that is my last sliver of free time before work, will have a more lengthy response later.

 

Experience tells me women will think bad things about you. Ask any guy who has been out with more then one girl and he will probably have a story of a girl who didn't return his phone call, or rejected him ect. It is exactly this fear that stops you from trying anything. You are so afraid of failure you don't want to risk asking a girl out, or kissing her on the lips ect. I'm telling you that the first step is going out there and asking women out wether it be online, in person or preferably both. You have to go in for that kiss. You have to risk being yourself even if that means creeping a girl out. Look if you just try to be this smooth guy who isn't you, you'll probably just come off as a fake person (creep) any ways. So go out there be yourself and stop worying about creeping, anoying or being rejected by women. Seriously every guy who has asked more then one girl out has suffered rejection whether it be because some girl found him anoying or creepy.

 

The only reason I brought up all this is because it was one of the main things holding me back and so I just assumed it was your fear of rejection in all its forms that is holding you back. The secret to sucess with women is confidence, and confidence means ur willing to be yourself even if that eans creeping

[TwilightSky]

Experience tells me women will think bad things about you. Ask any guy who has been out with more then one girl and he will probably have a story of a girl who didn't return his phone call, or rejected him ect. It is exactly this fear that stops you from trying anything. You are so afraid of failure you don't want to risk asking a girl out, or kissing her on the lips ect. I'm telling you that the first step is going out there and asking women out wether it be online, in person or preferably both. You have to go in for that kiss. You have to risk being yourself even if that means creeping a girl out. Look if you just try to be this smooth guy who isn't you, you'll probably just come off as a fake person (creep) any ways. So go out there be yourself and stop worying about creeping, anoying or being rejected by women. Seriously every guy who has asked more then one girl out has suffered rejection whether it be because some girl found him anoying or creepy.

 

The only reason I brought up all this is because it was one of the main things holding me back and so I just assumed it was your fear of rejection in all its forms that is holding you back. The secret to sucess with women is confidence, and confidence means ur willing to be yourself even if that eans creeping

 

Well, I already know not all women will be interested, that would be crazy. It sounds like you mean women in general though,...I don't know, anyway, yes you're right that it is my fear of rejection in all forms holding me back. I guess I was just looking for advice that would improve my chances. I suppose in a way you have given me that, but I wish there were books or maybe legit advice online to help improve my social skills with women.

[TwilightSky]

Well, I never said I was in Jude Law's league. I used to get called physically attractive a lot when I was younger, I guess I don't have any female contacts, and since I'm older (24) most women my age probably won't make any initiative so I don't know how they would view me now (although there are recent instances of two girls coming on to me, one calling me cute, and the other just unashamedly asking me out, and keeps talking to me, but she is kinda ditzy and I'm not attracted to her).

 

I did post my pic on here to make sure there wasn't anything wrong with me, and despite my persistence most didn't see anything amiss. Maybe they were just being nice, I dunno.

[TwilightSky]

Yeah maybe they were just being nice. I hate when that happens. I would rather somebody actually be brutally honest with me than to give me a sugarcoated lie.

 

That is why I cringed everytime my mother used to say I am a handsome boy. I know she did not really mean it from the bottom of her heart, she just said it because I am her son and in her mind she thought it would have made me feel good but it does not because it means absolutely nothing coming from her. Deep down she knows I am uglier than the offspring of Satan and Michael Moore. Now if a compliment like that came from an attractive woman who is not related to me by blood than it would mean something and I would actually be flattered. One time I responded back to my mother by saying if I am so handsome than why is it that I am a 20 something year old virgin who has never even kissed a woman let alone had a girlfriend. After that she never again fed me a spoon of sugarcoated bull$hit about how supposedly handsome I am.

 

 

Although I could have a girlfriend if I wanted but only if I am willing to settle for a woman I have zero physical attraction to, since those are the only type of women that would actually date me. But I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than to wake up every morning next to a woman who's physical appearance disgusts me.

 

Well, I don't know how forthcoming you are with girls, so maybe your shyness is the problem? (if you are shy that is). I know shyness is a big obstacle for me, in determining whether or not girls are actually attracted to my present self. In RL I have been hit on by girls, I've had compliments, I'm not sure of their sincerity, though. I've posted on PS forums as well, but they all keep saying there's something wrong with how I perceive myself, then continue to give me physical compliments.

 

I don't really know what to think of myself, bascically.

[You'reasian]

I am the extreme opposite of shy I am very outgoing actually, so that is not what is holding me back. What is holding me back is the fact that I look like I was hit with the ugly stick.

 

Oh man, I know exactly how you feel - I too am not so pleasant on the eyes...

 

However, what I've found is that I can appreciate a woman and make her feel intensely beautiful inside, and that's the best thing a man can do and if it works for an ugly guy like me, then it can work for you too!

 

How do you appreciate a woman? Listen to her, use thank you and mean it, do little things for her and even better be able to anticipate her - she'll love it.

 

How do you make her feel intensely beautiful inside? well that's my secret...but you can figure it out for you.

Edited February 13, 2010 by You'reasian

[Green]

I gave you some great advice. Go out there and actualy do something. Be bold, ask a girl out. Stop worrying about getting advice from a book or guide. Its all common sense stuff and the sooner you get out there and try something the better. YOU JUST HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! Stop worrying about being uncool or rejected or what ever. Just be yourself and ask a girl out seirously.

 

If all you can come up with at the time is "go out with me" then just say that. Obviously do the best you can but just start taking some action. The more you actualy take action the more social situations like flirting and asking out a girl will make sense. You can't learn it in a book. All a book can do is entertain you and help motivate you to do what you already need to.

 

You want to know why some guys do so good with girls? Its because they have confidence to just ask them out, flirt, and kiss them. If your to shy to ask a girl out and then kiss her on the date then u will do bad with women.

 

Its that simple. If you buy a book on how to talk to women it will just say common sense stuff you already know and try to motivate you to just talk to the attractive women you already encounter in your every day life.

 

You have chances to talk to women all day. At work. At school. At the mall. At the book store. At the movies. At concerts. Go walk in the park and try talking to the women on their runs. Talk to the cute cashier. Talk to the cute girl in line at the whatever.

 

Just be friendly. Be bold. You don't have to say will you go on a date with me.... You can be like would you like to come to my dinner party. Would you like to go see _______ movie with me at the theatre. Hey do you like ____ cause I like blank.... well want to go with me.

 

Then when you get the girl on a date like situation you just make sure to flirt and kiss by the end. You can kiss durring the date, but if the end of the date has come and you havn't then that is the time to just go in for your lip kiss.

 

Seriously I can't give you any more info then this. A book will just make stuff up to make money.

 

YOU ARE NOT TRYING. Come back with some stories of how you actualy tried and stop giving into your FEAR.

[Green]

So, did you ever go out there and try? Did you go out dancing and attempt to engage a woman in dance? Did you strike up a flirtatious conversation with a beautiful stranger and then invite to something whether it be coffee or a party? Did you go online and suggest meeting women you found attractive in person, then when meeting them in person flirt, touch and if a date followed kissed?????

 

You will learn from you failures far more then anything else. If you havn't even tried anything then you will have no failures to learn from and things will remain the same.

[TwilightSky]

No, I can't say I really have done those things you've mentioned. I feel like every time I open my mouth I'll say something stupid that'll put them off. They've initiated conversations with me, but it is hard to respond back in a meaningful way.

Edited February 24, 2010 by TwilightSky

[Green]

Say something stupid then. You can only learn from your mistakes. The biggest thing you need to learn is failure. Try things. Your confidence with women will only come if you actualy face your fears.