Low self esteem finally caught up and may have ruined my life/future

[DudeMan27]

Hi everyone. I was posting in the breakups section as this is breakup related, but after finding this section of the board I know I am not alone and there is much, much more to my problem.

I am 27 and have admitedly been insecure all my life. I read a couple posts on here where even in relationships, people feel that there is no way the other person can be attracted to them or they can be loved. That is me to a T. and it has ruined just about every relationship I've had.

 

The funny thing is, around my close circle of friends I'm SO outgoing and funny. And they've all been jealous of the girls I have dated. They easily agree that I've dated the best looking girls out of the group. But the entire times I would constantly worry about my appearance, what the girls friends thought of me. I always would think people would look at us and be like "whats she doing with him" And it completely caught up to me.

 

 

 

My last gf and I were together almost a year and a half. She was the easiest person to get along with I've ever met. yet, the relationship (as she put it when we were breaking up) was an emotional rollercoaster. It was all because of me and my insecurities. I constantly looked for flaws that simply were not there. I never had that "oh my I can't wait to see you" feelings. She lived in a bigger city about an hour away and had TONS of friends. Sometimes I would hate the hour the drive up there, even tho it was to see her. I would constantly tell myself how miserable I'd be if we werent together and I wasnt making these trips. But when I was around her alot, I would be moody and not show her the affection she deserved and the feelings I had for her. She had the greatest family, really big. I CONSTANTLY worried that they didnt like me. Her parents were the nicest people I know. I would always think her roomates, sisters, and parents wondering why she liked me so much. Looking back, all those people really loved me. They just loved seeing their sister/friend happy. Well anyway, these insecurites spilled over into the bedroom. I started having sexual issues that I KNOW were nothing but psycological. She was so supportive even tho I was completely embarrassed and devestated. She offered to go to the doctors with me. Well instead of just being open about it and go to the doctor, I chose to ignore it and hope it goes away. I was terrified to even mention it to a doctor. Finally she had enough and couldnt understand how I could see that hurt our relationship and not do anything. I obsessed over not being able to make moves with her, even after a yaer for fear these issues would come up again. I obsessed that maybe all her friends knew and were laughing about it. I felt like all she thought was "why me, why does my boyfriend have this problem" and it just all sent the relationship to hell.

 

Even after the breakup, I did nothing because I didnt want to look bad. I just sat there while she said she was being so hurt and didnt think anything would change. I barely said anything. I just walked out and let it happen, never fighting for her. Now we are way into the friends zone.

 

Now I wake up and go to bed every night alone. I've gained weight due to being sad and drinking. I've worried myself sick over the past 10 months about her and my hair is really thinning and falling out due to that. Meanwhile she travels the world, I see pictures of her with her hundreds of friends, looking amazing and having a great life. A few of my friends are married or have kids. They barely dont like to leave the house anymore. I actually start to resent some of them. One of my best friends just got engaged after dating a girl 8 months. They're so happy and they actually got engaged on what would have been my ex and mine 2 year anniversary. It should have been us.

 

to sum it up, I've sunk into a deep depression. I barely laugh anymore even when with my friends having fun, because she isnt here. My appearance has taken a huge hit, I was laid off work and I just feel like I'm no longer apart of society. No matter what time I go to sleep, I cant get out of bed before noon. I try to go to the gym but thats about the only thing I do during the day. I have NO idea what direction I want to head in my life. I feel like its going to be me and all my married friends in a few years. I missed out on the most marriage-material woman I've ever met. One friend just got back from Iraq to find his fiance cheated on him. My friend that just got engaged, nobody likes the girl. His parents hate her. EVERYONE loved my girlfriend. Everyone. She was so trustworthy, so beautiful, so giving and caring. And only now do I look back and realize how much she liked me, how much her family liked me. She was crazy about me and all I thought was that she didnt find me attractive or her family hated me. I couldnt be myself at all and it killed what should have been a beautiful marriage.

 

Now Im pushing 30, no idea what to do, I need my mother to help pay my bills, I have a crappy college degree, overweight and losing my hair. Without her I've never even traveled anywhere. Even if I work on my appearance and my confidence, whats it going to bring me? God through this great opportunity infront of me two years ago and I did nothing with it. I blew it. Why would he give me another? I live in a small town with nothing to do and no women that even compare to her. All my life I dreamt of meeting this beautiful woman with a great family, getting married, traveling and living in a big city. I had ALL of that.

 

I'm so sorry this is so long, but I think I need help. I dont even like my friends anymore after this breakup. I resent them for being happy with women that arent even close to my ex in looks or personality. Thats so wrong. I have no motivation. Not even sure what kind of job I want to look for. I just know I dont want to be living in this tiny town, hanging out with all my friends and their wives my whole life. I just dont know what to do. I'm scared to be out on my own and feel like every decision I make is wrong.

[neowulf]

First, let me begin by saying I understand. I had a 6 year relationship fail on me.. I know what it's like to go off the rails when you experience that kind of grief.

 

Because that's what you're going through right now, even though others may not understand it. Grief.

 

To be honst with you, the *best* thing you could do is get yourself to a GP and have them refer you to a psychologist.

 

I can't begin to explain how much it helped me to talk through things with an objective 3rd party.

 

It'll give you an outlet for questions and feelings you current have that other people don't really understand.

 

Once you're feeling a little more emotionally stable, you can begin the work of rebuilding your life.

 

I won't lie to you. It's not easy. It's damn hard some days. But you take it one day at a time and choose small goals.

 

You mentioned you've lost your job and your appearance has suffered. These are two aspects that you *can* control and fix.

 

Once your depression is under control, getting a new job will the the first step on the road to recovery.

 

Browse this sight man. You'll find people who've been through the kind of loss you're talking about and come out the other side.

 

Life goes on. It doesn't mean you'll ever forget her or that you'll ever really feel the same as you once did.. but you can be better than before. Smarter. Wiser.

 

I wish you all the best. Just know you're not alone.

[DudeMan27]

Thanks neowulf for the advice/ kind words. I guess when I truley look back at myself, this is a huge problem that should have been taken care of years ago. I feel so foolish when I look back and CONSTANTLY worried that she didnt find me attractive and that her friends didnt like me. I feel like I wasted away alot of happiness that we could have shared together. My insecurites caused me to treat someone poorly sometimes. She deserved so much better. Looking back only now do I have my eyes open and see that all her friends and family wanted was someone to treat their loved one well. Which I did, but not as well as she deserved. I only now see that those people actually liked me, and I should have come out of my shell.

 

It's just so tough when I think of the spot I was in a year ago and the spot im in now. Last year I had this beautiful girl, planning vacation after vacation, a ton of new friends, and parties/get togethers all the time.

 

Now all my friends are settling down. Ive gained weight, no job, and sit at home bored most nights out of the week. Because I've dated her, and she lived in a bigger city, I actually want to experience a bigger city. But have no idea how to even start looking for a job somewhere else. I hate this town. It's one thing to just think you lost a great girl, but to think how different my life would have been had we still been together. Her family travels all over the world, has beach houses, etc. And if i just had an ounce of confidence, we'd still maybe be together. That kills your self esteem even more, knowing that it was YOU that ruined a relationship.

 

Ive never had to fight back from soemthing so hard in my life. One top of a broken heart, I need to dig down somewhere and find actual confidence for the first time in my life? Thats such a huge hill to climb. And even if I do it, I honestly already lost the greatest thing I ever had. Knowing that is just like a foot on your head that keeps kicking you back down each step up you take.