What to do :(

[Torn]

I'm in a bit of a mess.

 

I've been with a woman for the past two years that I haven't exactly been happy with. Mainly because she is seriously obese, partially because she's quite a bit older than me, and also because of her insecurities because of the first two. This woman is extremely good to me, but I cannot accept her weight, and I had hoped she would have lost most of it by now.

 

For the past 15 months I had been seeing this other woman on and off. She's slim and pretty, but has a few "loose screws" so to speak... and my main problem with her is that I fear she may never be able to keep a job.

 

Recently she got fed up with me not getting rid of girlfriend #1, and has found herself another guy who is willing to accept her as she is.

 

Aside from the problems I have with these two woman, I get along with both of them extremely well. They come quite close to soulmates.

 

To review... girlfriend #1 is almost 300lbs, and 12 years older than me, but has a good job, her own car, her own house, etc.

 

Girlfriend #2 is health conscious, only 3 years older than me, has no real job, doesn't really have any assets at all or any real job skills, and has some "serious issues".

 

I love both of them, and know that it is unfair to stay with #1 if I'm not happy being with her... but I don't know how to break it off, and it makes it extremely difficult because she's so good to me, and I also work with her.

 

#2 is moving on with this new guy, but I'm in love with her... and I still have a chance to get her back (if I get rid of #1 right away).

 

I've talked to friends and family... most of them say I'm better off to get rid of both of them and start fresh. Some of them say to go with what I feel in my heart.

 

(Oh... btw, #1 doesn't know about my relationship with #2)

 

What should I do?

[Wiser Woman]

Well, if you are looking for financial security stay with number 1, sounds like she could take care of you and that appears from your post to be her strong points. She may have a few insecurities but is "good to you." However, if you are unhappy with her, let her go. It's not fair to her at all. From what you've written, it appears that you stay with her because she can support you if need be.

 

If you are looking for a better looking woman with "issues", stay with number 2, if she'll have you back. She may not be able to financially support you but she'll look good if she falls apart. She can't have too many issues if she is smart enough to find someone else and move on.

 

If you're looking for a mature relationship, adjust your attitude and start over fresh with a new outlook and a new woman. Both of these woman, despite what you consider their drawbacks, deserve a real person who will love them no matter what. And girlfriend #1 doesn't need a two timer.

 

As far as following your heart... do you really have one? Two timing someone who is good to you and could support you if needed, not liking her physical appearance, liking someone else because they're slim and pretty with baggage but no money? Trying to get #2 back when she is obviously trying to move past you? Think....

[hassan]

Yo man

 

what you are doing is pretty harsh. You should have not started a relationship btw. #1 if she was like that. Girls cannot be treated liek that they have emotioanl feelings worse then guys. You judge ppl from the outside . are you good looking yourself? do you want to be treated liek that one day by a person you care bout so muuch? but the way you say it sounds like you dont want #1. you should have broken up with her liek a long time ago. If you cant take the heat from both girls i say start over.

I'm in a bit of a mess. I've been with a woman for the past two years that I haven't exactly been happy with. Mainly because she is seriously obese, partially because she's quite a bit older than me, and also because of her insecurities because of the first two. This woman is extremely good to me, but I cannot accept her weight, and I had hoped she would have lost most of it by now. For the past 15 months I had been seeing this other woman on and off. She's slim and pretty, but has a few "loose screws" so to speak... and my main problem with her is that I fear she may never be able to keep a job. Recently she got fed up with me not getting rid of girlfriend #1, and has found herself another guy who is willing to accept her as she is. Aside from the problems I have with these two woman, I get along with both of them extremely well. They come quite close to soulmates. To review... girlfriend #1 is almost 300lbs, and 12 years older than me, but has a good job, her own car, her own house, etc. Girlfriend #2 is health conscious, only 3 years older than me, has no real job, doesn't really have any assets at all or any real job skills, and has some "serious issues".

 

I love both of them, and know that it is unfair to stay with #1 if I'm not happy being with her... but I don't know how to break it off, and it makes it extremely difficult because she's so good to me, and I also work with her. #2 is moving on with this new guy, but I'm in love with her... and I still have a chance to get her back (if I get rid of #1 right away).

 

I've talked to friends and family... most of them say I'm better off to get rid of both of them and start fresh. Some of them say to go with what I feel in my heart. (Oh... btw, #1 doesn't know about my relationship with #2) What should I do?

[Torn]

First of all #1 isn't that well off... She's had help from her parents. I make three times as much as she does.

 

The situation with #1 is kinda complex. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship when I started dating her, and was up-front about my problems with her weight, and that I was seeing other people. She claimed she could lose the weight in a few months, and after a couple months pushed me into not seeing other people anymore. Meanwhile she wasn't losing any weight, she was still married, (they just filed for divorce recently... they were living together but separate like room-mates).

 

I was unhappy that she wasn't losing weight, and I couldn't handle it.

 

Then #2 came along, and I was all prepared to dump #1 at that time... except that #2 got all crazy, self destructive and suicidal, and I got scared.

 

Yes, I've been unfair to both of them. Nobody's perfect.

 

#1 didn't lose the weight... which was _very_ important to me

 

#2 did lots of crazy stuff, and between our on and offs slept with about five or six other guys in those 15 months.

 

I have three choices...

 

1) Let #2 go, stay with #1 and help her lose the weight over the next year or so. Maybe she'll lose the weight, maybe not.

 

2) Let #1 go, get #2 back, have a serious relationship with her, give her the emotional backing to hopefully obtain some sort of career. Maybe she will, maybe not.

 

3) Let both of them go. Maybe lose two potential soulmates, maybe find someone better.

 

I'm not heartless. I've just been unhappy.

[Torn]

Yo man

what you are doing is pretty harsh. You should have not started a relationship btw. #1 if she was like that. Girls cannot be treated liek that they have emotioanl feelings worse then guys. You judge ppl from the outside . are you good looking yourself? do you want to be treated liek that one day by a person you care bout so muuch? but the way you say it sounds like you dont want #1. you should have broken up with her liek a long time ago. If you cant take the heat from both girls i say start over.

You see, I just wanted to see #1 casually. I told her right away I was seeing other people and that I had a problem with her weight. We got along really well, and I just wanted to be friends. We didn't get really intimate for a couple months, but she pursued the relationship...she really really wanted me badly, and I have a hard time saying "no". I believed her when she said she could drop the weight quickly.

 

I am good looking. I'm not fat. I've had a low self-esteem my whole life. I'm not trying to be mean, but this woman is almost 300lbs. She has a sore back, sore knees, sore feet. She hasn't taken care of herself. Love isn't everything. Some people break up because the other person leaves the toilet-seat up, or the cap off the toothpaste. I'm not talking about something petty, or beyond control. I'm talking about really letting your health go here.

 

#2 asked me out. Girls never ask me out. I was flattered. She has a lot of great qualities, but she's done a lot of scary stuff. (Tried to kill herself several times, had substance abuse problems, etc) ... She's kinda like the girl in the movie "Girl, Interrupted".

[Taressa]

Wow, you've got your numbers all in a row. Choice 1,2,3.. Girls 1 and 2...

 

1. It sounds like you may be part of the problem, placing conditions of your love continuing for girl #1. Love is love, despite weight. Now I do agree that sexual attraction is an important part of the relationship but if you're going to reject someone because of weight, reject her outright from the start. Love doesn't change the rules.

 

2. Girlfriend has some serious sounding problems. Perhaps you can be a friend to help her through the rough time and put love on hold. Maybe you can help her stand before you take her into your arms.

 

3. You're probably a good enough, smart enough guy to get out there and attract intelligent, well proportioned, mentally balanced women. Build your self-esteem and stop settling for something less than you really want.

 

So, among those you listed, guess choice #3 gets my vote. Soul-mates don't normally see fatness as an obstacle and don't normally attract mentally unstable partners. Sure, you feel a lot for the ladies; I'm not questioning that. Back up a bit and see if it really is love you've been feeling.

[magicklady]

First of all why would you want someone that you would want to change to begin with? You sound like you don't need to be with either of these women.. because they both make you unhappy or nervous in some way. You know no one is perfect and you knew that when you started dating #1. You are being extremely selfish to gf #1 by not just letting her go where she can find someone who will love her for who she is. You sound like you might be a little superficial and might want to work on that part of yourself... Everyone wants a slim trim woman.. but it doesn't always work that way. Good luck with your situation...

[Torn]

You are being extremely selfish to gf #1 by not

just letting her go where she can find someone who will love her for who she is. You sound like you might be a little superficial and might want to work on that part of yourself... Everyone wants a slim trim woman.. but it doesn't always work that way. Good luck with your situation...

I was upfront with #1 on that subject. She wanted to do anything to make me happy, and said she'd lose the weight. How come I'm the villan?

 

I'm slim and trim, why can't I have a slim and trim girlfriend?

 

I may be a little superficial, but so is everyone.

[Torn]

1. It sounds like you may be part of the

problem, placing conditions of your love continuing for girl #1. Love is love, despite weight. Now I do agree that sexual attraction is an important part of the relationship but if you're going to reject someone because of weight, reject her outright from the start. Love doesn't change the rules.

I did...basically. I told her I had a problem with her weight, and told her I was seeing other people. She persisted in calling me up and asking me if I wanted to go do things that interested me, and claimed she was going to drop that weight within a few months.

2. Girlfriend has some serious sounding problems. Perhaps you can be a friend to help her through the rough time and put love on hold. Maybe you can help her stand before you take her into your arms.

I have been helping her for the past 15 months. Now that she's getting back on track, she's found a new man that will accept her the way she is. It's hard to let her go.

3. You're probably a good enough, smart enough guy to get out there and attract intelligent, well proportioned, mentally balanced women. Build your self-esteem and stop settling for something less than you really want.

I have a lot going for me, but I'm kinda shy, quiet and reserved. I've never been too good with the dating scene.

[jessi]

You say that you love each of these women, and they both come close to soulmates...right? Obviously, you aren't happy with either of them. If you were 100% in love with #1, you would not be seeing #2, and the weight wouldn't be such a problem to you. Same for #2...if you were really committed and in love with 2, you wouldn't have such strong ties to #1. Sounds to me like neither are what you are looking for and neither make you 100% happy. I agree with your friends and family.....find a #3! remember, if you are not really happy with either one of them now, marriage wont change that...if anything, i bet it would get worse. Starting over is hard, but in some cases, it is the only choice you have:)

I'm in a bit of a mess. I've been with a woman for the past two years that I haven't exactly been happy with. Mainly because she is seriously obese, partially because she's quite a bit older than me, and also because of her insecurities because of the first two. This woman is extremely good to me, but I cannot accept her weight, and I had hoped she would have lost most of it by now. For the past 15 months I had been seeing this other woman on and off. She's slim and pretty, but has a few "loose screws" so to speak... and my main problem with her is that I fear she may never be able to keep a job. Recently she got fed up with me not getting rid of girlfriend #1, and has found herself another guy who is willing to accept her as she is. Aside from the problems I have with these two woman, I get along with both of them extremely well. They come quite close to soulmates. To review... girlfriend #1 is almost 300lbs, and 12 years older than me, but has a good job, her own car, her own house, etc. Girlfriend #2 is health conscious, only 3 years older than me, has no real job, doesn't really have any assets at all or any real job skills, and has some "serious issues".

 

I love both of them, and know that it is unfair to stay with #1 if I'm not happy being with her... but I don't know how to break it off, and it makes it extremely difficult because she's so good to me, and I also work with her. #2 is moving on with this new guy, but I'm in love with her... and I still have a chance to get her back (if I get rid of #1 right away).

 

I've talked to friends and family... most of them say I'm better off to get rid of both of them and start fresh. Some of them say to go with what I feel in my heart. (Oh... btw, #1 doesn't know about my relationship with #2) What should I do?

[Wiser Woman]

Okay, you're not heartless, but sound extremely unhappy. Choice #3 does sound like your best choice at this point in time. Learn to love yourself first and you will find it easier to attract someone you are truly attracted to. Both of these women have their baggage, as most of us do, and that baggage appears to be something you do not really want in your life so it would probabaly be best to let them both go and move on with their lives so you can move on with yours. You deserve to be happy and so do they.

[Wiser Woman]

It's not unreasonable for you, being fit, to want someone in your life who is also. Problem is you don't hook up with someone who is extremely overweight to begin with and think you can force her into dropping the weight. Being overweight can be the result of many things - perhaps this woman has a very low opinion of herself and eats to compensate for that. Perhaps she has health problems that are the problem. It's hard to tell. But the fact that you don't accept her the way she is should be telling you that you shouldn't be with her. As for #2, she has many problems that you can't solve for her no matter how much you try to support her. She has to admit and solve her own problems. The fact that she's been jumping all over the place with lots of guys tells me that she is not happy in her own skin either and you can't change that for her. Being with a guy now that you say accepts her the way she is tells me that she doesn't want to solve her problems, at least not right now - she's found someone who accepts her at face value.

 

Let them both go, take a good look at what you really want for yourself and go on from there.

[magicklady]

Well I read that in your second post so I was wrong to judge you on that part. I don't think I could handle being with someone that was that large either. I am sorry that I judged you before I had the rest of the info. You kinda had to guess that as much as she weighed it might always be a struggle for her with her weight. I think that you don't want to be with her and it is probably time for you to let her go. Wether or not you end up with the other girl.. you don't really want this one. Be careful with the other girl she is more than likely looking for someone to take care of her... You honestly might be better off going out with someone new and leaving both of them alone and starting out fresh armend with the information you have about who you don't want to meet in the future.. and yes everyone is a litte superficial.. guess I need to start reading the rest of the posts before I open my big mouth.. Have a great weekend!

[Torn]

You say that you love each of these women, and they both come close to soulmates...right? Obviously, you aren't happy with either of them. If you were 100% in love with #1, you would not be seeing #2, and the weight wouldn't be such a problem to you. Same for #2...if you were really committed and in love with 2, you wouldn't have such strong ties to #1. Sounds to me like neither are what you are looking for and neither make you 100% happy. I agree with your friends and family.....find a #3! remember, if you are not really happy with either one of them now, marriage wont change that...if anything, i bet it would get worse. Starting over is hard, but in some cases, it is the only choice you have:)

The thing is that #2 blames most of our problems on me still being with #1. Last weekend I was prepared to dump #1 and propose to #2 to get her back. I still have some of that feeling, but I don't want to screw up what she's got going now if it's the right thing for her, and if I'm just acting out of jealousy or desperation of losing her.

 

I have such strong ties to #1 for several reasons. First of all, we've been together over two years, secondly she makes me feel so important to her, that I feel like if I left her, her whole life would fall appart. So while I will have a hard time letting her go because she's a really good friend, I'm also burdoned with tons of guilt.

 

How do I let #1 go without her hating me and making life miserable for me? I have to work with this woman.

[Nina]

I have a friend who is exactly like you and it frustrates me to no end because he asks advice and then is too unassertive to take that advice. BLAH!

 

Sorry. Shouldn't take frustrations out on you. Getting to the point. You have low self-esteem, which causes you to seek relationships that are self-punishing because unconsciously you don't feel that you deserve to be happy. So. So what? You are fooling yourself into thinking that these women have a real connection to you when they have the same problem. like attracts like. You won't find a relationship that will make you happy until you can look at yourself honestly and acceptingly.

 

Humanistic psychology. hmmm. Some would say new-age mumbo-jumbo. Point of fact, everyone here has said that you need to untie your moorings to self-pity and set yourself adrift and see what you can find out about yourself.

 

Grow up. Do something. Stop dithering about. For God's sake.

[Torn]

Be careful with the other girl she is more than likely

looking for someone to take care of her... You honestly might be better off going out with someone new and leaving both of them alone and starting out fresh armend with the information you have about who you don't want to meet in the future.

She IS looking for someone to take care of her. She's had a rough life, and needs a "daddy" to take care of her (even though she's 30). I was her daddy for the past 15 months. I was there for her to talk to (except when I was at #1's house). I helped her out financially, kept her off the streets. Helped her research her mental disorders, helped move her several times, got her music equipment out of hock a few times, kicked her butt to get her to record some of her songs.

 

I've seen her ups and downs. They scared me. I helped get her back on stable ground. We've been through so much together that it makes me feel that we shouldn't just throw it away... but maybe it's best.

[magicklady]

This is not going to be easy no matter how you do it.. but you are not responsible for her feelings (#1) and have to move on with your life. I know it feels like crap to break someone's heart, but sometimes we have to.. as far as you working with her... that is going to be a sticky situation and I think you might just have to stay away from her at work if at all possible. Maybe if you sit down and explain to her that this relationship is just not what you are wanting at this time that you feel like you need some space and time to think.. and then just gradually let her go.. maybe the impact won't be so severe and she will let go easier... She is holding on to you so hard because of her weight problem because of the self esteem level she has right now she probably feels like if you left her she would be all alone (not saying that you are a bad guy or anything).... This is going to be a tough situation,.. but whatever you do don't tell her you are leaving her because of her weight or that you are not attracted to her because of it! This keeps getting more complicated as we go along huh! GOod luck doll.. I wish you the best

[magicklady]

I went through all of that with my ex.. and sometimes people are just not ready to be what we need them to be... when we are ready for certain things they are not. ... She might turn out to be a really strong woman later on.. but she is going to have to learn to stand on her own two feet. The fact that she has already found someone else is not a good sign.. that means she is very codependent.. are you ready for the responsibility of all that right now? That is the question you have to ask yourself.. and if you are then you need to go for it... if not.. then move on.. you are making yourself miserable with this situation (both women) and love is supposed to make you happy! LEt me know how it goes okay

[bones]

I'm in a bit of a mess. I've been with a woman for the past two years that I haven't exactly been happy with. Mainly because she is seriously obese, partially because she's quite a bit older than me, and also because of her insecurities because of the first two. This woman is extremely good to me, but I cannot accept her weight, and I had hoped she would have lost most of it by now. For the past 15 months I had been seeing this other woman on and off. She's slim and pretty, but has a few "loose screws" so to speak... and my main problem with her is that I fear she may never be able to keep a job. Recently she got fed up with me not getting rid of girlfriend #1, and has found herself another guy who is willing to accept her as she is. Aside from the problems I have with these two woman, I get along with both of them extremely well. They come quite close to soulmates. To review... girlfriend #1 is almost 300lbs, and 12 years older than me, but has a good job, her own car, her own house, etc. Girlfriend #2 is health conscious, only 3 years older than me, has no real job, doesn't really have any assets at all or any real job skills, and has some "serious issues".

 

I love both of them, and know that it is unfair to stay with #1 if I'm not happy being with her... but I don't know how to break it off, and it makes it extremely difficult because she's so good to me, and I also work with her. #2 is moving on with this new guy, but I'm in love with her... and I still have a chance to get her back (if I get rid of #1 right away).

 

I've talked to friends and family... most of them say I'm better off to get rid of both of them and start fresh. Some of them say to go with what I feel in my heart. (Oh... btw, #1 doesn't know about my relationship with #2) What should I do?

Dude, I think that you screwed up majorly. You say that you love this "cow" as you probably call her, but if you did then you would not cheat on her. Personaly I don't think that you deserve someone who treats you well if your main concern is her weight. If you had a problem with her weight to begin with why get into a relationship with her. You have lead her on and I don't doubt that she has serious insecurities when the man that she loves thinks so lowly of her. If you are so conceited then you so go find yourself some chicken who is just as self centered as you are, and I am sure she will make you miserable. Let this wonderful girl free so she can find someone who will love and appreciate her for all that she is and does. I wish her good luck, not you.

[Taressa]

I did...basically. I told her I had a problem with her weight, and told her I was seeing other people. She persisted in calling me up and asking me if I wanted to go do things that interested me, and claimed she was going to drop that weight within a few months.

 

I think it was a smart thing to be honest upfront. It wasn't the best thing to let the relationship develop when you were unhappy from the start.

 

I understand completely where you're coming from. A fat man would really turn me off and deciding to accept his condition could be hard. The thing is, there has to be the initial decision to accept or reject. To accept should be an acceptance made unconditionally. An acceptance should mean that even if girl #1 balloons to 500 pounds you still see the beauty that first drew you to here. You can hope they'll drop the weight but your acceptance should be based on commitment to stay through fat and thin.

 

For now, I guess this means being honest with her. If you can no longer accept the fat you can no longer accept her.

I have been helping her for the past 15 months. Now that she's getting back on track, she's found a new man that will accept her the way she is. It's hard to let her go.

Ouch, that does hurt. Time to bite the bullet, accept the loss, and clear out of the scene, I'm afraid. Be strong and resolve to go on with your life. Don't take her back... she needs help but if she ever returns it will only be to use you again. That would lower your self-esteem even more.

I have a lot going for me, but I'm kinda shy, quiet and reserved. I've never been too good with the dating scene.

Yes. I understand that. I'm pretty quiet myself and have a hard time finding men who take the time to get to know me. The few who have taken the time have been special. I gave up the regular dating scene- - bars and the like, and now look for men in the places I fit in... bookstores, coffeehouses, my best friend right now I met in spanish class almost two years ago.

 

Don't let your loneliness turn into compromise. A person needs to learn to be happy alone. Contentment in your own skin will make you attractive to other self-assured people.

 

Beware of these needy women who cling to you. Like you've come to see, their company can be momentary comfort but quickly becomes a drain on your energy and confidence.

 

Live smart. Love carefully. Start doing something you enjoy and master it.

 

Best wishes in rebuilding.

 

Hope you have a good weekend.

 

Taressa

[quankanne]

gotta agree with wiser woman: are you sure you have a heart, or is this really just your …hormones … talking? Because I think you've got a pretty sorry attitude about relationships if you continually base someone's worth on their looks. You've got a good woman (first girlfriend) who treats you well, but she's unacceptable because of her obesity, and you've got a good-looking woman (second one) who is unacceptable because you think she's a few cans short of a six pack. No one will ever come close to satisfying you because you're being unrealistic. And it sounds like you're taking the first gal for a ride, waiting for something better to come along.

[Torn]

LEt me know how it goes okay

Well, I had some of #2's stuff at my appartment (guitar, mic, 4-track... she plays guitar and sings... wrote a song about me)

 

On friday she asked for her stuff back (even though we were supposed to keep working on her music) and I told her I'd get it to her on monday most likely... we got in a bit of an argument on the phone.

 

Later that night when I was at #1's house... #2 kept paging me and calling my cell phone... which was driving #1 crazy.

 

(I didn't answer).

 

This continued all weekend ... and led into arguments and discussions where I reiterated my problem with her weight and her lack of effort in resolving it.

 

On monday morning #2 called me at work asking why I never called her back, and when she would be getting her stuff, if I broke up with #1 yet, etc.

 

Afterwards I came clean with #1 about #2... which caused a whole day and night of hell, but #1 wants to put it behind us and is glad I told her the truth...but will probably never trust me again.

 

#1 promised me that she would lose over 120lbs in six months (which I don't think is possible), but she seems willing to put a serious effort into it.

[Joey]

Hi there... I'm new to this site but here's my advice.

 

It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of your situation and you are realistic when you admit that you cannot accept gf#1's weight and gf#2's job issues. My advise is to move on and date other people despite being in love with both of them. You will likely find someone else (who by no means will be perfect) that you can love the same way that doesn't have either of the two above problems. Good luck and go with your gut feeling!!!