I want my ex back but how?

[LALuck]

I'd like the insights of the group about how to deal with this. We broke up the first week of October.

 

I was with a girl for 8 months. We worked together at the same company and we would flirt, until she came after me and asked me out. We became boyfriend/girlfriend a week later.

 

Two weeks before, she quit work. I acted jealous towards her being friends with this guy. One night we were at work and I wanted to kiss her goodbye in the back and she was acting cold towards me. The next day, I told her how it bothered me and she said that she would break off her friendship with the guy because she saw it was hurting our relationship.I kept bringing up the past. Also I had started spending too much time with her in that month. I started questioning if we still had things in common if we were not working together. I showed weakness (I was going through a tough time with my father going through chemotherapy but I have regained my strength and composure now). We go for a walk one day in her neighborhood and she starts criticising me and I become defensive and then I ask her if it is bothering her so much if she would want to break up and she says no. We went out later that week and the following week. We were still having sex like 2x a week.

 

Anyways, she wanted to see me on the day before the Yom Kippur holiday. I told her I couldn't and she kept begging to see me. I told her I would see her after the holiday was over. She was dog sitting at someone's place that night. I came over after the holiday. She was into herself. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she didn't want to talk about it. I kept pressuring her until she said that I think we should take a break/breakup. She says that she needs space to get over her past hurts that would reappear in her mind. A couple of times she asked for space but we didn't do it. I acted furtherly antiseductive by questioning her and becoming emotional. I asked her if I could stay the night, she said Ok if I didn't bother her. The next morning she tried to finish her homework that she couldn't finish the night before and she didn't get it done.

 

I dropped her off at community college and instead of going to my university, I came back after her class to bring her a flower and a note. I see the guy walking to her house. I come inside and she sees that I met up with the guy. She had told me two weeks earlier that she was going to discontinue her friendship with the guy because she saw how much it was hurting me. Anyways, I start getting angry and she starts saying to me how she is with the guy now. I got very angry and lost my composure. My girl used to flaunt around everyone how I was such a great boyfriend, she would tell me how she wanted to spend her life with me and all of those things everyone says. She invited me to come back east with her during Christmas to visit her family. She would be jealous of any girl that would walk into our office if they even said hi to me. Anyways, so she calls later that week to pick up her paycheck from work and I tell her she can pick it up and I slam the phone. She picks up her check the day I am not there.

 

I call the next monday to say that I am coming over to talk and she says she is uncomfortable and I say that I just wanted to say that I am sorry for acting unprofessional. We talk and the conversation ends. The next day, Tuesday, (one week after we broke up) she calls work. I tell her I am busy. The following week, I go to her sister's office and say hi to the sister (me and the sister are good friends and I am friends with the sister's boss. It is a similar business to the one I work for. The girl and the sister live together). The same night, the girl calls me. I tell her I am busy again. The following week, the sister calls me to ask me how I am doing. I act like everything is fine.

 

The next week, I call the sister from my work on tuesday but she doesn't answer so I don't leave a message. The sister calls on wednesday, but I was busy. I call back later in the day and we have a little chit chat about how is everything and all. At the end of the conversation, I ask how is the girl and I say that she should call me or I will call her. The sister says that I think she would like talking to you. The next day, thursday, the girl calls at 10:15 at night. She sounds scared in the beginning to talk to me but I act pleasant and cheerful. She asks me how are things at work and school. I say they are good and I ask her. She says they are good too. She tells me about how when she is at work, she thinks that I would be ashamed that she has gone to a lower paying job. She tells me how money has been tight for her. I acted very supportive and strong, but I did not show I miss her or bring up the past. We have a nice conversation and I realize as it progresses that she is more comfortable talking to me. She starts talking about the stars and creating a mood. I keep it light. She also tells me she has wanted to talk with me for a while. I finish off the conversation by saying that I enjoyed talking with her and she says the same. I tell her that I will talk to you later.

 

I called the girl the following Sunday, but her sister said she was out. I went out with the sister that friday out for coffee by her work in the afternoon. We talked about how the sister was planning to move back east when the two sister were going to visit home. The girl is planning to stay in student housing, when her sister leaves. The sister asked me what me and the girl talked about, I told her we just caught up with eachother. She said it was a good start. I waited until the following Tuesday to call again and the sister said she wasn't there. That saturday I called again and the sister said she was asleep. I called the next day to tell the sister to tell the girl to drop off my jacket at my house. The last time I called was a week later on Thanksgiving to wish the sister a happy thanksgiving and then I asked to wish it to the girl but she was out.

 

Since Thanksgiving, I cut off the calling to the girl. The sister spoke with me once and we wished eachother happy holidays. I went to the company where the sister works at for a job interview and I looked really good because I have been taking care of myself since the breakup by going to the gym, having fun with friends, and building my confidence. The sister was amazed to see me and she complimented how handsome I looked. I kept it very light and we did not bring up the girl. The next day the sister and the girl were planning to drive back east, which was about 1.5 weeks ago where the sister is planning to stay now and the girl is returning today to move into her student housing.

 

My ex is with this guy now and I want her back. He takes her to museums and the theatre, which she likes to go to, but we never did go to except on our first date and when we took a trip together and we saw the Festival of the arts. In the first two weeks when she contacted me, I wanted to show that I had self respect by not talking to her as most say to do right after the breakup. When we talked, I could sense she had some interest, but I goofed it up by calling those times after. I never sent her any flowers or notes after we broke up (I did when we were together) and I never acted needy in front of the sister about losing the girl except for the first 2-3 days when the sister would call me to see how I was handling things.

 

Should I continue the no-contact and hope that because now she will start to become very lonely from her sister (the sister is a mother figure for her) not being here that it will bring her to contact me. This girl doesnt have many friends, she would say that I was her best friend (she felt so comfortable communicating with me & we always were able to resolve fights) and my friends were good with her because we all worked together. I don't know where is the student housing she is moving to exactly and I dont have any phone number for her because she doesnt have a cell phone. The only way that I will be able to get in contact with her is to call her sister back east, which I won't. How should I act with her if she comes around? If it ever comes to her wanting to be with me again, how do I confront her about if she cheated on me with this guy? I confronted her when we were together about whether anything was going on more than friendship but she said that she was friends with this guy and his friends, but now there definately is a BF/GF relationship between them in the 2.5 months since we broke up.

 

BTW, my jacket is still sitting in the back seat of her car.

[mr_roggger]

I think you should continue the no contact for a while. Forget about your jacket for the moment! After a time of no contact, and you want to meet up with her and she wants to do the same, instead of meeting up just to talk maybe take her out to dinner or somewhere/something else where you can talk as well as doing something? I think you should not confront her about her cheating on you as that is in the past. I know it's hard to do, but what will it gain you in the long-run? I can't offer you any advice on how to contact her.

[LALuck]

I could care less about the jacket, it is just the fact that she is holding onto it for no reason. How long should I wait before I contact her? or is it better that I just wait til she contacts me? I think the problem with waiting for her to contact me is that it might never happen, but you never know. Abscence makes the heart grow fonder, supposedly? I remember I had one week off from work when we used to work together and she would call me morning and night because she missed me.

 

What I meant about confronting her about cheating on me, I meant if we ever were together again. Of Course I wouldn't bring that up just for the sake of no reason.

 

I am wondering, does the no contact really make a person start to miss you and will it erase some of the needy looking things? I noticed that for the first month that we broke up and she tried to call me 2x and I ignored her that when I finally called, she called me back right away, missing me.

[werty]

Originally posted by LALuck

I think the problem with waiting for her to contact me is that it might never happen, but you never know. Abscence makes the heart grow fonder, supposedly?

 

exactly... but what if she is thinking the same thing now?

[LALuck]

So then why wouldn't she return my last call which was a month ago? Also, I run into the situation of the fact that she is moving into student housing and I don't know how to contact her. The only way I can get a hold of her is through her sister who is back east. I dunno, it is an odd situation. I think I will wait a little while longer.

 

Also in regards to Mr Roggers' post, shouldn't you usually wait for the person who broke up with you to make plans?

[mr_roggger]

Yes, that would be good but in my case that didn't happen, and I set myself the target of improving myself before I contacted her. When we met, and it was time to leave, it was clear that she missed me/was missing me. Also, there is the fact that 4 weeks before I called her she was totally pissed off with me and wouldn't even talk let alone meet up, but 4 weeks later when I called we talked happily for over 30 mins and made plans then and there to meet up and catch up over dinner sometime! Time does work, especially if there is no contact!

Sionce we have been back in contact, she has made the plans as well as me, which truly is a nice feeling as you don't feel as pushy any more!

[werty]

i envy you

[mr_roggger]

who, me?

Trus me, I'd rather not be in this situation!