B-man Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 At least this is how I feel. I have to beg her to even touch me. We are both in our 20's and we have 2 kids but we should be the happier than what we are, or at least what I am. She says she thinks she is just having some kind of problem with in her self that she doesn't know why she doesn't want to be intimate. She just isn't in the mood, ever. I complimetn her as much as I can and tell her several times a day how much I love her and call to see if she needs anything multiple times a day but I am getting close to the end of my rope. She has been like this for 3 years now and I am now 26. I have had a ton of chances to cheat but not once have come close. In fact I have told her about most of them in order to try to make her jealous or show some kind of desire or interest in me. She just doesn't though. I figured this would happen some day but I thought I would be much older when it did happen like in my 30's or 40's. This is our 7th year together and like I said I am just at a loss. I know we married very young and looking back I would not have done it but in the same breath I would not have changed any of the wonderful things that have also come from this adventure as well. Are there any suggestions as far as tips or tricks on how to cope until she does come out of her "slump" so to speak? I find it unbareable to beg for attention of any kind. I just don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Hmmm...let's start with an easy question, of sorts. Is she taking any medications currently? The reason I ask is I was on Depo Provera (birth control shot) for two years a few years back, and what I know now that I didn't then is that over time it can be a sure-fire libido killer! A number of prescription meds do list changes in sexual drive among their side effects. The best way to find out is to check the Physicians Desk Reference. They are online, but I am not sure of the proper url - I think it's http://www.pdr.net Link to post Share on other sites
Author B-man Posted December 30, 2003 Author Share Posted December 30, 2003 No meds what so ever. She is a stay at home mother ATM and I know it is boring to her during the day but I always make sure to offer to watch the kids while she goes and does what ever. Soon I will be putting her through school and helping her make her goals to what she wants to do if she happens to decide any time soon. She is talking some plastic surgery but tell her constantly that it isn't needed and that I think and live her exactly the way she is. She doesn't see it my way. She wants to get work done to her self and I am afraid if I front for all of that there Igo right out the window. She isn't that kind of person but I have always heard that once a woman gets some kind work done like that they become a new person in more than one way. They want to begin to test the water. :\ (I am just recently getting over a huge ego prob and I am not the only friend she has type of thing, circa 6 months ago.) BTW thnx tremendously for the responce. I am at a huge frustrating point in my short lived life and want to make it through these troubled times. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 I would encourage her to get to the doctor ASAP and have her hormones checked. It could be that she has very low levels of testosterone (yes, women have that). Even though she's not taking any medications, she could still have a hormonal imbalance that's killing her sex drive. I strongly suggest you have her do that. If all that checks out okay, then there's clearly something going on inside her head. Have you two been able to sit down and openly discuss this? Has she told you why she has no sex drive? One more thing............when you approach her for sex, are you freshly showered? Have you just brushed your teeth? I know for some women it's a total turnoff when their husbands want sex but they haven't brushed their teeth since morning and they've worked all day. I'm not suggesting any of this is your fault........I just wanted to make mention of that just in case. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 (I am just recently getting over a huge ego prob and I am not the only friend she has type of thing, circa 6 months ago.) What's this? Something she said to you?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author B-man Posted December 30, 2003 Author Share Posted December 30, 2003 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO What's this? Something she said to you?? Well we had a fight about this and we have since resolved it. I am a lot more understanding now to the fact she doesn't have many friends and needs to get out once and a while. I didnt realize how important or more or less how little she actually got out. She says she has no idea why she is feeling the way she is. She says that I am still very attractive to her she just isn;t in the mood. She has an iron deficiency problem IMO. She used to be anemic I believe that is the term and I think she is now again. I try to get her to go to the Dr. but I believe she is to embarrassed. She said she is waiting for some kind of womens viagra to come out this spring and she is wanting to try that. We have tried talking about this severyal dozen times and I think she is embarrassed and hurt so to speak. I think I am a relatively attractive guy and I always shower and brush before time. Only curteous. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Depression can cause loss of interest in sex. I would urge you to get your wife evaluated for it right away, and get on some medications. (You have to be careful about which meds, because many of THEM also cause loss of libido.) It may be difficult to get her in to see a doctor, but it's worth it whatever you need to do or say. Please treat this problem as the serious issue it is. You are very frustrated, and I am sure she is unhappy too. This is a risk for your marriage. Sex is a sensitive area for most people, and feeling rejected or unwanted by your partner can be very painful and lonely. Please try to realize that this is NOT a problem with you, and you are not personally at fault. Hey, you're loving and considerate - perhaps more so than many - and you look and smell good. Instead, the problem is one that is affecting your marriage and the two of you can work on it together. Couples counselling may also help the two of you find ways to problem solve together. Also, I hope she will hold off on cosmetic surgery until other issues are resolved. Studies show that it likely WON'T make her feel better about herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Nice picture! Cute kid. She might be embarassed - but ask her to do it for you and for the sake of your marriage. There is something going on with her and it could be medical. You said you have two kids and it's been 3 years that you are lived with this. Post-partum depression springs to my mind. It can be helped. You have GOT to get her to a doctor for a complete medical workup and both of you into counseling. Even if the problem proves to be purly medical and can be treated I would suggest some counseling to go along with the medical treatment simply because whether you see it or not, the last few years of hurt and anxiety has had an effect on both of you emotionally. I have to tell you that I chuckled a little at your line: I figured this would happen some day but I thought I would be much older when it did happen like in my 30's or 40's. Um - 30's and 40's is not the end of a sex life. Women tend to be at their peak years in their 30's. Couples can have an active and healthy and satisfying sex life when they are in their 70's, 80's, not to mention 50's & 60's! Your wife needs some medical help and you both need some help to deal with this. It's out of your hands now and there is nothing you can do but to get her some help. If she still refuses - then get yourself to a counselor so that you can deal with the problem and get some in-person help to talk to her. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 If you possibly can, convince your wife to go to see a doctor. There already are treatments which are the equivalent of 'women's viagara', however she'd still need a prescription and she'd need to be evaluated for other possible causes first, anyway. She should not be 'embarassed' to see a doctor about it. She is one of millions of women with the same problem - and the only way to fix is is to see a physician!!! Here is one of thousands of sources of information on this. I hope you'll be able to persuade her that she's not 'odd' or 'wierd' and that seeing a doc is the very best thing she could do for both your sakes. http://www.merck.com/mrkshared/mmanual/section18/chapter243/243a.jsp Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Okay B-Man, I am not your wife and have no way of knowing how she actually feels. I can only use my own experiences (as a female) to try and relate to how and what she may be feeling. The only way to REALLY know what’s going on in her head is to get her to open up and talk. Be persistent if you have to, but don’t give up. And when she does finally talk, just listen to what’s she’s saying. Don’t try to convince her that she “shouldn’t” be feeling what she is, or that her reasons aren’t warranted, just acknowledge the fact that she is having them. First, in regards to her desire to have surgery: Body image is a VERY important thing to most women. If a female feels unattractive, then it will absolutely affect her sexuality in some cases. Particularly if there has been weight gain or stretch marks during a recent pregnancy. If she is reluctant to expose herself naked to you, or insists on having the lights off, you can bet it is because she is shy about her body. And it won’t matter how many times you tell her how attractive she is…she has to convince herself. Many women will assume their partner’s are just “being nice” which is why many look to get affirmation from other people --- sometimes even other men. But this is NOT to say that you should stop complimenting her. Don’t stop. She needs to hear that from you even if she scoffs it off. Nothing wrong with her wanting surgery, unless she has some form of body dysmorphia. If so, this will be determined by the doctor during her first consultation. Support her decision to take this step if it is important to her…but keep reminding her that you find her attractive just the way she is. The surgery may improve her confidence, but it won’t help resolve any deeper insecurity issues that may be lying underneath. Second, in regards to her continued education: I think its absolutely wonderful that you would not only support your wife’s decision to return to school, but that you are actually willing to pay for it and care for the children in order to give her the time and space she needs. You’re an absolute prince! There is nothing wrong with your wife wanting this self-improvement as well --- particularly if it will help with your mutual finances. But here’s where I think it gets a little sticky: Given the combination of ALL the things going on here --- your wife’s withdrawal, her obvious boredom with her life, her desire to go out and meet new friends, her wanting to change her physical appearance, AND wanting to become more self-reliant financially…I’d have to say this is a bit more than JUST wanting to make ‘some’ changes. It sounds like she wants a complete metamorphosis, and that butterfly may be getting ready to do more than just stretch her wings! I don’t want to alarm you too much, but I think you need to stay awake and very alert right now. I can tell you, ONLY from my own experience, that when a woman suddenly wants to make a lot of drastic changes, it is sometimes because we are preparing our safety nets to fly the coop. I would not even dare to plant this seed of doubt in your head if she weren’t already pulling away from you both physically AND emotionally (lack of sex, lack of communication). But I would imagine the doubt is already there, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting. Another thing you might want to consider is how much time is she spending out with friends while you are watching the children. And how much time is she spending on the computer? Are you aware of her activities during the day? These are all things to look out for, but until she gives you the answers you’re looking for no one will be able to say for sure. But in the mean time…KEEP HER TALKING! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 In fact I have told her about most of them in order to try to make her jealous or show some kind of desire or interest in me. PS.... DON'T DO THAT! If she's already insecure, that's one sure-fire way to give her enough reason to bail! Link to post Share on other sites
Aphrodisia Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 Enigma's post is very accurate. All the warning signs are there. She is contemplating leaving and having an affair -- she may have strayed already. It sounds like a serious situation, probably a good idea to get some relationship counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
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