I'm always the one contacting him for sex!

[boogieboy]

 

I really don't give an f--k, except when people start wasting my time.

 

He wasnt wasting your time, it was an FWB plus you were callin HIM. YOU were wasting your time, when you knew what was going on.

[xpaperxcutx]

 

He wasnt wasting your time, it was an FWB plus you were callin HIM. YOU were wasting your time, when you knew what was going on.

 

No, I wasn't wasting my time so much as finding things to do when my friends back out on me. He was wasting my time for making me chase.

 

As I've said before, I don't contact him until the weekend comes along ( that's when I'm actually free) and then only when all my friends are too busy to chill with me.

 

The only thing I know right now is I'm going to have to look for a new FWB.

[stillafool]

 

Even if I don't know him all that well, he hasn't set off any alarm in my end about sleeping with other girls. I know this because I've been to his place and met his roommate ( who I've gotten to know on a personal level) and from what I can tell, he has a typical bachelor pad.

 

And he would tell me if he's seeing someone else- he was clear on this point as was I when I told him that I just wanted to sleep around without the complications of a relationship.

 

I really don't give an f--k, except when people starts wasting my time.

 

Then don't make it complicated. You two will hook up when you both have time for it. You are right to look for a new FWB partner.

[boogieboy]

 

No, I wasn't wasting my time so much as finding things to do when my friends back out on me. He was wasting my time for making me chase.

 

As I've said before, I don't contact him until the weekend comes along ( that's when I'm actually free) and then only when all my friends are too busy to chill with me.

 

The only thing I know right now is I'm going to have to look for a new FWB.

 

Youre still projecting your blame on him, he didnt make you chase, YOU did. He didnt call you, you called him. All he had to do was nothing. The perception of him making you do anything is all in your head. The only one to blame is you.

 

if youre going to be finding another FWB, blame only yourself for chasing him....and not reading between the lines. Youre a woman, you know how to do that.

[xpaperxcutx]

 

Youre still projecting your blame on him, he didnt make you chase, YOU did. He didnt call you, you called him. All he had to do was nothing. The perception of him making you do anything is all in your head. The only one to blame is you.

 

if youre going to be finding another FWB, blame only yourself for chasing him....and not reading between the lines. Youre a woman, you know how to do that.

BB I believe in the idea it takes two to tango.

 

I never said he made me do anything, but he had the courtesy to at least tell me that he doesn't want to have sex. Instead he chose to play tag, a game I unwittingly joined.

 

And what " lines" are you talking about? Everything was clear, we see each other, we sleep together, we don't owe each other anything.

 

I'm not looking for an apology, I just don't like to chase.

[xpaperxcutx]

 

Then don't make it complicated. You two will hook up when you both have time for it. You are right to look for a new FWB partner.

 

You're right. It's complicated because I'm making it seem so. In fact, the only thing I know is that he's supposedly free on the weekends. But he's unwilling to be definite about plans. Hence the frustration.

 

Whatever.

[paddington bear]

papercutx, sorry for butting in on your thread...but my guy has just pretty much done the same to me. Called me yesterday (ok, now bearing in mind there are shared language difficulties..but still I don't think I'm reading this wron)...anyway, he called me yesterday and said hi and then said 'I'm really bored'. My instant thought was 'oh, I see, you call me when you are bored' - all those other times when I was bored, or doing nothing, not a peep out of you, now that there's nothing better to do, I get a call. Told him I was at my course (studying a language) but I'd be happy to meet up with him later. He said 'I'm really tired, I'm going to sleep now' - this at 2pm in the afternoon. I said 'well, I'm free from 5 onwards if you want me to call by or vice versa'. He said 'Okay, I'll call you later'.

 

This, in the past has meant that he does at least call, it usually means I can expect a visit, or I will pop over to his place. It does not usually mean that I come home, shower, tidy my place, change the sheets, put some fresh makeup on and then realise that it's nearly 10pm and the damn man hasn't bothered calling - even to have the courtesy to say 'I'm too tired/it's too cold/friends have called over' whatever. That would have been fine.

 

I am really rather annoyed I have to say. And I'm kind of glad I'm annoyed. I've been floating along with this for over 6 months now and I reckon this thing we have could quite easily just rumble along as it's been going and I'd never meet someone else who I could potentially fall in love with...but now I'm just thinking, I'm so sick of this, it's just not good enough any more. It's neither one thing or the other, and I don't take kindly to spending my evening waiting on some guy to call....

 

In any case I've arranged to meet some guy who contacted me through another forum regarding another topic just to well, get out and about and back in the saddle of conversing with strangers. I think I may resume the dreaded internet dating.

 

In any case to bring the thread back to you Paperx maybe it's a good thing that you are doing all the chasing. If it bothers you, there's a reason, the wanting to be desired thing or...maybe you don't need another FWB, maybe this is a reminder that a FWB is only supposed to be a stopgap until you meet someone you want to date and that you should try for that again.

 

I do feel with mine that I'm using him, not just for sex, but because he's another one of those unavailable men that I seem to subconsciously go for over and over (though at least this one has sex with me! - or used to, used to call as well...grrrrr:mad:)

[Mary3]

But I'm not selling myself out. I just don't like initiating all that much ( it really does feel like a power play).

 

The only reason I even like this FWB is because I can fullfill my needs without the need to worry about a relationship. There's no pressure and I'm actually quite happy.

 

Please don't kid yourself . This is very disrespectful to yourself to go through the FWB mode.

 

If you can get sex so easily and feel nothing for the person , then it should be easy for you to go out a find a more willing person. I don't advocate what you are doing to yourself. Its a cry for help.

[xpaperxcutx]

papercutx, sorry for butting in on your thread...but my guy has just pretty much done the same to me. Called me yesterday (ok, now bearing in mind there are shared language difficulties..but still I don't think I'm reading this wron)...anyway, he called me yesterday and said hi and then said 'I'm really bored'. My instant thought was 'oh, I see, you call me when you are bored' - all those other times when I was bored, or doing nothing, not a peep out of you, now that there's nothing better to do, I get a call. Told him I was at my course (studying a language) but I'd be happy to meet up with him later. He said 'I'm really tired, I'm going to sleep now' - this at 2pm in the afternoon. I said 'well, I'm free from 5 onwards if you want me to call by or vice versa'. He said 'Okay, I'll call you later'.

 

This, in the past has meant that he does at least call, it usually means I can expect a visit, or I will pop over to his place. It does not usually mean that I come home, shower, tidy my place, change the sheets, put some fresh makeup on and then realise that it's nearly 10pm and the damn man hasn't bothered calling - even to have the courtesy to say 'I'm too tired/it's too cold/friends have called over' whatever. That would have been fine.

 

I am really rather annoyed I have to say. And I'm kind of glad I'm annoyed. I've been floating along with this for over 6 months now and I reckon this thing we have could quite easily just rumble along as it's been going and I'd never meet someone else who I could potentially fall in love with...but now I'm just thinking, I'm so sick of this, it's just not good enough any more. It's neither one thing or the other, and I don't take kindly to spending my evening waiting on some guy to call....

 

In any case I've arranged to meet some guy who contacted me through another forum regarding another topic just to well, get out and about and back in the saddle of conversing with strangers. I think I may resume the dreaded internet dating.

 

In any case to bring the thread back to you Paperx maybe it's a good thing that you are doing all the chasing. If it bothers you, there's a reason, the wanting to be desired thing or...maybe you don't need another FWB, maybe this is a reminder that a FWB is only supposed to be a stopgap until you meet someone you want to date and that you should try for that again.

 

I do feel with mine that I'm using him, not just for sex, but because he's another one of those unavailable men that I seem to subconsciously go for over and over (though at least this one has sex with me! - or used to, used to call as well...grrrrr:mad:)

 

P_B, your advices and comments are always appreciated.

 

I empathize, I really do. I can't believe you managed to put up with his behaviour. Yes, it is frustrating because while the sex is fun, it almost feels like I'm in a relationship expecting the other person to read my mind ( which is obviously something that I don't want). It makes me clingy and needy and everything becomes psychotic for me.

 

I have to agree to disagree with the chasing. I dislike chasing after anyone but it has made me realize that if I'm doing so much chasing then obviously I placed myself in an ill- fitting position.

 

I can't say I'm too hung up on this one, which in my opinion is a good thing, because its a step up from when I used to get attached to just about anyone.

 

The bold part describes me perfectly. I often do find myself getting involve with unavailable men and expecting them to call, etc, etc.

 

I guess I still have alot to learn and change about myself.

[boogieboy]

BB I believe in the idea it takes two to tango.

 

I never said he made me do anything, but he had the courtesy to at least tell me that he doesn't want to have sex. Instead he chose to play tag, a game I unwittingly joined.

 

And what " lines" are you talking about? Everything was clear, we see each other, we sleep together, we don't owe each other anything.

 

I'm not looking for an apology, I just don't like to chase.

 

I shouldnt have said Lines, because what I meant was there are no lines. But its easier to say youre making it more complicated by wondering his reasons for not initiating, and posting about it.

 

I know you didnt want an apology, you want closure. Im sure you know what we say about closure around heya.

 

BTW you do like to chase, you were chasing him for a while. Im sure thats not the kind of challenge you really want though. Lets see if you dont chase the next FWB.

[xpaperxcutx]

B_B I really don't need closure, but I decided to text him today and I found out school started and he's busy with classes.

 

I forgot to mention he's completing his Masters and he has one more year to go.

 

So maybe I'm being selfish and I forgot he has a life outside of a FWB. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt right now. I'll be getting surgery in a month so I doubt I will see him for over a month or so.

[boogieboy]

B_B I really don't need closure, but I decided to text him today and I found out school started and he's busy with classes.

 

Ha, you dont see it, but you calling him for an explanation is the closure you needed...

 

You dont want to believe it, but he is boffing someone. Young guy like that has to get rid of the poison, or he REALLY doesnt like sex with you. School wont be a sex deterent for a young guy.

[xpaperxcutx]

Ha, you dont see it, but you calling him for an explanation is the closure you needed...

 

You dont want to believe it, but he is boffing someone. Young guy like that has to get rid of the poison, or he REALLY doesnt like sex with you. School wont be a sex deterent for a young guy.

 

I didn't call him. I texted him after an entire week of no contact. The thing is if I do want closure I would actually ask him straight out " Hey, FWB, are you ****ing someone?"

 

Honestly, if he was sleeping around with someone else ( aside from me) he would tell me, that's the only thing I can say I trust him completely on. Or it could really be the latter, he REALLY doesn't like sex with me. Oh great.

 

But I'm not that bad in bed.

[stillafool]

Ha, you dont see it, but you calling him for an explanation is the closure you needed...

 

You dont want to believe it, but he is boffing someone. Young guy like that has to get rid of the poison, or he REALLY doesnt like sex with you. School wont be a sex deterent for a young guy.

 

 

I'm sorry but this is so true. There is no way he is going to not have sex when it is available to him. I don't think he would necessarilly tell you if he is sexing someone else. Why would he or should he? You two have a FWB relationship and he doesn't owe you explanations to what he does when he isn't with you. I think you have fallen for this guy and I don't think you just want a FWB relationship with him. You may tell yourself this is the kind of relationship you want but most women who fall for this relationship usually get their emotions involved and realistically can't handle it. Women who can handle this type of relationship wouldn't give a damn what he does when he isn't sexing them. That's the way a relationship like this is suppose to work. Why don't you be honest with him as to what you really want from him and if he doesn't want the same just move on. Don't settle for this type of relationship again or you will not get the respect you need and deserve from a guy.

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm sorry but this is so true. There is no way he is going to not have sex when it is available to him. I don't think he would necessarilly tell you if he is sexing someone else. Why would he or should he? You two have a FWB relationship and he doesn't owe you explanations to what he does when he isn't with you. I think you have fallen for this guy and I don't think you just want a FWB relationship with him. You may tell yourself this is the kind of relationship you want but most women who fall for this relationship usually get their emotions involved and realistically can't handle it. Women who can handle this type of relationship wouldn't give a damn what he does when he isn't sexing them. That's the way a relationship like this is suppose to work. Why don't you be honest with him as to what you really want from him and if he doesn't want the same just move on. Don't settle for this type of relationship again or you will not get the respect you need and deserve from a guy.

 

I can actually say I can disprove the bolded part. I contacted him today about the " nature" of things. His response-

" I realized it's hard for me to just **** without that emotional tie. I dunno. Call me gay or emo, but I can do like 50 times better when I am with someone who I have that connection with. And also your sex drive kind of scares me a bit haha".

 

 

I was troubled by this because it confused me seeing as FWB needed no " emotional connections" to carry itself to term. So I asked him if he wanted to stop having sex with me.

 

He replied-

" I dunno maybe if we just hung out more for the sake of hanging out not for sex at night maybe it'll be better.Or maybe I should just wait til I get this stuff sorted out. ( stuff literally meaning his ex whom he broke up with back in October). It's not that I want to date you or anything. It's just my head isn't in it and that means my dick isn't either."

 

Was that a clear response? I still have to read between the lines. He couldn't respond with a well- defined yes or no, but instead decided to write a long text about wanting to sort out his emotions first. Yet, he doesn't entirely want to break things off with me instead optioning to wanting to get to know me better. He even asked me out to a movie tomorrow.

 

And to answer your question about falling for him, I'm growing rather fond of him. However to completely fall for him would be a disaster because a relationship would require a two person effort, and seeing how confused he is, in regards to what he wants in life, I doubt I would want to quickly jump onto that wagon.

 

I'm actually surprised at my own self restraint at this point.

[Mary3]

I can actually say I can disprove the bolded part. I contacted him today about the " nature" of things. His response-

" I realized it's hard for me to just **** without that emotional tie. I dunno. Call me gay or emo, but I can do like 50 times better when I am with someone who I have that connection with. And also your sex drive kind of scares me a bit haha".

 

 

I was troubled by this because it confused me seeing as FWB needed no " emotional connections" to carry itself to term. So I asked him if he wanted to stop having sex with me.

 

He replied-

" I dunno maybe if we just hung out more for the sake of hanging out not for sex at night maybe it'll be better.Or maybe I should just wait til I get this stuff sorted out. ( stuff literally meaning his ex whom he broke up with back in October). It's not that I want to date you or anything. It's just my head isn't in it and that means my dick isn't either."

 

Was that a clear response? I still have to read between the lines. He couldn't respond with a well- defined yes or no, but instead decided to write a long text about wanting to sort out his emotions first. Yet, he doesn't entirely want to break things off with me instead optioning to wanting to get to know me better. He even asked me out to a movie tomorrow.

 

And to answer your question about falling for him, I'm growing rather fond of him. However to completely fall for him would be a disaster because a relationship would require a two person effort, and seeing how confused he is, in regards to what he wants in life, I doubt I would want to quickly jump onto that wagon.

 

I'm actually surprised at my own self restraint at this point.

 

OMG this is the lowest of the LOW ! So you contacted this man whom you freely gave sex to as to the nature of where you stand...

 

He is saying he feels nothing for you and because he feels nothing he can barely have sex with you. Ouch !

 

It IS possible for men to sex a women they have no feelings for. It happens everyday. It troubles you ( as I suggested earlier ) because you do feel a bond with him and some feelings. You don't want to admit it and your brain wonders why when offering sex to man why he won't take you up on it. ?

 

He is SAYING that he has no feelings for you and if you hang out with him he might get some .Yikes ! But what REALLY happened is you both had sex too fast and now he feels uncomfortable with you and wants to be your buddy now.. OMG !

 

This clearly shows * Some * men need love and connection in the bed...

 

I would grab myself quickly dust myself off and walk away from this humility...

 

I hope you can stand back and start over in life from the beginning. If you want a R please don't sleep with a man too soon. Look what happened here...

[xpaperxcutx]

OMG this is the lowest of the LOW ! So you contacted this man whom you freely gave sex to as to the nature of where you stand...

 

He is saying he feels nothing for you and because he feels nothing he can barely have sex with you. Ouch !

 

It IS possible for men to sex a women they have no feelings for. It happens everyday. It troubles you ( as I suggested earlier ) because you do feel a bond with him and some feelings. You don't want to admit it and your brain wonders why when offering sex to man why he won't take you up on it. ?

 

He is SAYING that he has no feelings for you and if you hang out with him he might get some .Yikes ! But what REALLY happened is you both had sex too fast and now he feels uncomfortable with you and wants to be your buddy now.. OMG !

 

This clearly shows * Some * men need love and connection in the bed...

 

I would grab myself quickly dust myself off and walk away from this humility...

 

I hope you can stand back and start over in life from the beginning. If you want a R please don't sleep with a man too soon. Look what happened here...

 

You misquoted me. I didn't ask him where I stood, I knew perfectly well where I was standing from the beginning. By " nature " of things I asked him whether he had something wrong with him, since he acted like he didn't like sex.

 

Please don't pity me since I know perfectly well men can have sex with woman without emotional attachment. I expected as much. I was merely surprised that he decided to slam the brakes on me by telling me he'd rather have an emotional connection as opposed to none.

 

Being fond of someone doesn't automatically mean I will " love" him, but I like enough to tolerate what he had told me.

 

To be honest I really don't want to be his buddy and if he starts expecting me to open up, I guess I just have to say goodbye.

[Mary3]

You misquoted me. I didn't ask him where I stood, I knew perfectly well where I was standing from the beginning. By " nature " of things I asked him whether he had something wrong with him, since he acted like he didn't like sex.

 

Please don't pity me since I know perfectly well men can have sex with woman without emotional attachment. I expected as much. I was merely surprised that he decided to slam the brakes on me by telling me he'd rather have an emotional connection as opposed to none.

 

Being fond of someone doesn't automatically mean I will " love" him, but I like enough to tolerate what he had told me.

 

To be honest I really don't want to be his buddy and if he starts expecting me to open up, I guess I just have to say goodbye.

 

What did you hope to gain in the beginning by entering a committment free relationship where sex was served at his conveinance ?

 

Listen he likes sex but he doesn't like it with you. He wants feeliings and there are none there so he does not want to go there.

 

The fact that you can't tolerate being just his buddy tells me you are denying what your heart is trying to show you.

 

Not to be mean but when you finally understand how destructive FWB's are to your soul and your self worth you will have an * Aha ! * moment and eventually help other girls here who have fallen into that disrespectful lifestyle.

[Dolos]

I dont really see whats disrespectful about fwb situations. I think they end badly for most people due to one party getting more attached than the other, but i would hardly call them disrespectful. As for the op's situation, one of my friends exes was actually like your friend. He just did not enjoy sex unless there was some level of emotional attachment, to the point where he wouldn't do it without it. I didn't understand it at the time and i still don't.

 

Im not entirely sure what the guy in your case wants either. If i understand your situation correctly neither of you are seeing anybody else, obviously you are having sex with each other, and now he wants to spend time with you outside of anything physical and foster an emotional attachment. That is essentially dating to me, yet he says that's not what he wants.

 

Though tbh, it really seems like this is causing you more problems than its worth, so you might want to consider ending it. Im sure you know other guys who would consider themselves lucky to be in his position and not be intimidated by your above average sex drive.

[Mary3]

I dont really see whats disrespectful about fwb situations. I think they end badly for most people due to one party getting more attached than the other, but i would hardly call them disrespectful. As for the op's situation, one of my friends exes was actually like your friend. He just did not enjoy sex unless there was some level of emotional attachment, to the point where he wouldn't do it without it. I didn't understand it at the time and i still don't.

 

Im not entirely sure what the guy in your case wants either. If i understand your situation correctly neither of you are seeing anybody else, obviously you are having sex with each other, and now he wants to spend time with you outside of anything physical and foster an emotional attachment. That is essentially dating to me, yet he says that's not what he wants.

 

Though tbh, it really seems like this is causing you more problems than its worth, so you might want to consider ending it. Im sure you know other guys who would consider themselves lucky to be in his position and not be intimidated by your above average sex drive.

 

It is disrespectful to your body because women need to treat their bodies as a shrine. Something to be cherished and not let every man attempt to spread their legs. To be worked for- to achieve. To be valued as a woman as PART of who she is but not ALL of who she is in what resides between her legs.

 

How many men respect a woman who opens her legs very soon in the encounter ? NONE. How many men want something that likely everyone else had a CRACK at and he is including in this ? How much will he value and respect you ?

 

These things I say might give you a WOW to think about moment. I used to be where other FWB women were. I learned to love and respect myself and its been YEARS since I have been there

[Sharla]

OP I think the route you are taking is NOT FOR YOU. If you are going to place yourself in this type of situation, you have to realize and accept, that there cannot be expectations on either side.

 

It is just sex, that's it.

 

My girlfriend is going through something very similar, she met a bartender a couple weeks ago, he has like 900+ friends on myspace, girls leaving all these sexual type comments, I mean he totally fits the profile.

 

On their first date, they went out to dinner and then he invited her over and they were intimate (not sex, but close enough). The things he said to her that night were so explicit and sexual, it was disturbing to hear when she told me this.

 

She's completely bothered by the situation, as most people would be. But if she can't enjoy it for what it is (and it doesn't appear she can), then she needs to remove herself from the situation.

 

I would advise you do the same.

[xpaperxcutx]

OP I think the route you are taking is NOT FOR YOU. If you are going to place yourself in this type of situation, you have to realize and accept, that there cannot be expectations on either side.

It is just sex, that's it.

 

My girlfriend is going through something very similar, she met a bartender a couple weeks ago, he has like 900+ friends on myspace, girls leaving all these sexual type comments, I mean he totally fits the profile.

 

On their first date, they went out to dinner and then he invited her over and they were intimate (not sex, but close enough). The things he said to her that night were so explicit and sexual, it was disturbing to hear when she told me this.

 

She's completely bothered by the situation, as most people would be. But if she can't enjoy it for what it is (and it doesn't appear she can), then she needs to remove herself from the situation.

 

I would advise you do the same.

 

Of course it is just SEX. That's what I wanted.

 

But then now it's like he's inviting him to go to movies and hang out with him and his friends for pool.... which was what we did yesterday. The whole time, I felt like I was assimilating into his group of friends. Then we ended the whole thing at 3 in the morning when I just decided to head home ( because I was too tired) rather than taking the plunge of heading with them back to his place ( in Manhattan).

[boogieboy]

" I realized it's hard for me to just **** without that emotional tie. I dunno. Call me gay or emo, but I can do like 50 times better when I am with someone who I have that connection with. And also your sex drive kind of scares me a bit haha"[/b].

 

 

I was troubled by this because it confused me seeing as FWB needed no " emotional connections" to carry itself to term. So I asked him if he wanted to stop having sex with me.

 

He replied-

" I dunno maybe if we just hung out more for the sake of hanging out not for sex at night maybe it'll be better.Or maybe I should just wait til I get this stuff sorted out. ( stuff literally meaning his ex whom he broke up with back in October). It's not that I want to date you or anything. It's just my head isn't in it and that means my dick isn't either."

 

Was that a clear response? I still have to read between the lines. He couldn't respond with a well- defined yes or no, but instead decided to write a long text about wanting to sort out his emotions first. Yet, he doesn't entirely want to break things off with me instead optioning to wanting to get to know me better. He even asked me out to a movie tomorrow.

 

This was a clear NO. I cant believe you refuse to see it. He is pushing you away kindly.

 

If its not YES its a no.

 

I see what hes saying, he said that he wanted to use you as a rebound to get over his ex, and it didnt work. He's still thinking of his ex, so thats why he doesnt want to have sex with you anymore...its not working for him.

 

So he will be buddy buddy with you to eventually push you away, while he's still pining for his ex.

 

 

I hope youre walking away from this...youre growing fond of him, while he's pulling away from you.

[xpaperxcutx]

This was a clear NO. I cant believe you refuse to see it. He is pushing you away kindly.

 

If its not YES its a no.

 

I see what hes saying, he said that he wanted to use you as a rebound to get over his ex, and it didnt work. He's still thinking of his ex, so thats why he doesnt want to have sex with you anymore...its not working for him.

So he will be buddy buddy with you to eventually push you away, while he's still pining for his ex.

 

 

I hope youre walking away from this...youre growing fond of him, while he's pulling away from you.

 

Just to clarify ( because of semantic reasons), he never chose me as a rebound. I was the one that initiated and in the process of f-ing him, I became the rebound.

 

Yes, I agree, while my head has been putty for the last two days, I did come to the realization that " if not yes, then it's a NO".

 

I talked to my girlfriend about it. She met him this past weekend. Her impression had been that he's was fun and chill dude but I was as obvious as the next person- I can't be friends with him.

 

No matter how nice he is to me, I can't not seek a platonic relationship from some who I see as my " **** buddy".

 

So I will have now and eternally write him off on LS, as " the one who wanted an emotional connection".

 

Surprisingly, I'm not hurt, just very, VERY awestruck by the revelation that hit me.