How do i tell my husband i am leaving to go see MM in UK?

[oxfordsocks]

If any of you know from before my husband is aware of the affair--me and MM have not seen each other since JUne 2009-- but we finally have an opportunity to get together for a long period of time(5 nights) as opposed to 3 on any of our other visits.

I have made all arrangeents--food -daycare-housecleaning etcc to make the time away easier on everyone here(my two kids-)

I leave on the 29th of Jan and i still haven't told them

I want to tell my kids i am just going away--but i want to tell my husband of course the truth(he did ask at Christmas if i was going to go visit him)

My husband and i have made no forward mending of our marriage-he still sleeps in basement and has since July 2009--and we had our "christmas eve" intamIcy-but nothing since--

I know this is not going to be easy--part of me wants to just call him on the day i am leaving so he can't do anything about it--the other wants to let him know very soon.

I know kids will have lots of questions but i am not prepared to say--mom is going to UK --although my older one will likely have his suspicisons

i am sure this will expediate our separation --and I did ask earlier in the year if booking time to see my MM would put the final nail our coffin--my husband replied I don't know.....

Any advice?

[Passion4Life]

If any of you know from before my husband is aware of the affair--me and MM have not seen each other since JUne 2009-- but we finally have an opportunity to get together for a long period of time(5 nights) as opposed to 3 on any of our other visits.

I have made all arrangeents--food -daycare-housecleaning etcc to make the time away easier on everyone here(my two kids-)

I leave on the 29th of Jan and i still haven't told them

I want to tell my kids i am just going away--but i want to tell my husband of course the truth(he did ask at Christmas if i was going to go visit him)

My husband and i have made no forward mending of our marriage-he still sleeps in basement and has since July 2009--and we had our "christmas eve" intamIcy-but nothing since--

I know this is not going to be easy--part of me wants to just call him on the day i am leaving so he can't do anything about it--the other wants to let him know very soon.

I know kids will have lots of questions but i am not prepared to say--mom is going to UK --although my older one will likely have his suspicisons

i am sure this will expediate our separation --and I did ask earlier in the year if booking time to see my MM would put the final nail our coffin--my husband replied I don't know.....

Any advice?

 

i think u should just divorce ur husband & then tell him that u r leaving forever . what is the point in stringing along ur husband ?

[Fallen Angel]

Your husband knows of your relationship with your MM, so I think honesty here is the best policy. His concern about the relationship between you and MM seem to be more focused on the possibility of your getting hurt (emotionally) by MM rather than the destruction of your marriage, as you two seem to have already come to the agreement that the marriage is right now a marriage of convience only.

 

I will say though, that you should not wait until the last minute to tell him. Your absence, while you have already made arragements to make it easier on him, does affect his time while you are gone.

 

I say be upfront, honest and tell him your plans.

 

And I do think continuing on in your marriage like you two are attempting to do will eventually make for more uncomfortable moments.. perhaps it is time to start discussing division of property, child custody, support, who will maintain the house and who should move out etc etc, maybe the time you are gone will be a good time for your H to decide what he thinks is fair, so the two of you can discuss it and come to an agreement when you get back from your trip.

[Fallen Angel]

you seem to be very exited about this 5 nights of passion than you leaving your H....then why delay...file for D ....let him live STD free life

 

good luck for your 5 nights of passion

 

Her husband knows about her relationship, it is not some big dark secret and that she is sneaking around behind his back.. perhaps the best thing for you Scorp, is to have some clue as to the situations about which you feel the need to comment, commenting with no knowledge is making you look foolish.

[Fallen Angel]

i know it, i was the one who gave her advise on how to trace a Keylogger on her system

....so get your facts right

 

"How do i tell my husband i am leaving to go see MM in UK?"

i can't stop laughing over this....

 

I have my facts right.

The facts are that you are on these boards just to abuse people, and I am reporting you to the mods for it.. these places are for people to get help and support, nothing you say is helpful or supportive.

[Passion4Life]

Her husband knows about her relationship, it is not some big dark secret and that she is sneaking around behind his back.. perhaps the best thing for you Scorp, is to have some clue as to the situations about which you feel the need to comment, commenting with no knowledge is making you look foolish.

 

well i think u did not read her post , she still expects to be back with her husband after she spends 5 nights with her friend .

[whichwayisup]

Why lie? Your H knows the truth anyway, and he's hurting ALL the time - SO just be honest. Just tell him that you are going away to see your MM. It's what you want to do anyway, and nothing he does or says is going to stop you from getting on that plane, right?

 

JUST be prepared for what happens when you come home. BE 100% accountable for your part in this, and the fallout/consquences of leaving your husband and children behind. Don't put ANYTHING on your H as he's done nothing wrong here.

[Fallen Angel]

well i think u did not read her post , she still expects to be back with her husband after she spends 5 nights with her friend .

 

I have read her post, and all of her other posts before this thread. her husband knows all about her relationship with her MM. She and her husband are basically separated living in the same house. So while she "expects to be back with her husband after she spends five nights with her friend" it is not in the way that you seem to be imagining it.

[lkjh]

Why should your husband try to move your marriage forward if this is how you act? Why would anyone want to be married to someone who thinks like this?

[Passion4Life]

please go ahead,

you seem to have lot of problem hearing the truth and you are here to abuse the ones who tell the truth...

 

could you care to explain which part of my suggestion was unreal

 

now just stick to topic where it was.....

 

i agree with u on this point , any advice is helpful only if it is based on truths & not on what op wants to hear .

[anne1707]

Why lie? Your H knows the truth anyway, and he's hurting ALL the time - SO just be honest. Just tell him that you are going away to see your MM. It's what you want to do anyway, and nothing he does or says is going to stop you from getting on that plane, right?

 

JUST be prepared for what happens when you come home. BE 100% accountable for your part in this, and the fallout/consquences of leaving your husband and children behind. Don't put ANYTHING on your H as he's done nothing wrong here.

 

 

I think this says it all really. I do not know the OP's history but it does seem to me that the current scenario in the marital home cannot really continue long term without a strong possibility of a detrimental impact on all including the children. The OP needs to be honest and also be prepared that when she returns from the UK, it will not be to her current home. It would be totally unreasonable to expect the H not to feel incredibly hurt (even considering their current set-up).

 

Also to not tell the children will put the H in an unfairly difficult situation. If he tells them the truth, he is the one who sees them hurt and upset. The alternative is that he perpetuates the lie - why should he lie to protect the OP because of her affair?

[Holding-On]

I have not read any of your back story.

 

However, if you intend to attempt to live as roommates and parenting partners, you ought to at least extend your husband the same basic courtesy you would a roommate or partner in any corporate situation and let him know about your plans as soon as possible. In other words before you even booked a ticket. At this point, NOW.

 

 

Overall it seems like a controlling move. By waiting until the last minute you are removing all power from him to plan for this time away. Perhaps he would like to have friends over that he doesn't usually hang with. Perhaps his mother or father or siblings. Perhaps change the locks.

These are all hypothetical of course but the point is that he deserves to know of upcoming changes to his life.

[Passion4Life]

I have read her post, and all of her other posts before this thread. her husband knows all about her relationship with her MM. She and her husband are basically separated living in the same house. So while she "expects to be back with her husband after she spends five nights with her friend" it is not in the way that you seem to be imagining it.

 

FA what could be the other way of imagining it ?

 

i might be wrong , but from her previous posts it seems she & her husband are still trying to fix it. in this scenario what would u suggest ?

[whichwayisup]

If the situation was reversed and it was the husband leaving his wife and children behind for 5 days, what advice would be given?

 

EXPECT 1)to have papers served to you. 2)EXPECT to see ALL YOUR BELONGINGS boxed up and the locks changed. Just because you're the 'wife' in this senario, doesn't get you off the hook of consquences..man or woman, doesn't matter. You've chosen to intentionally continue your A. 3)EXPECT your H to contact MM's wife. If I were him, I certainly would in a heartbeat. 4)EXPECT to lose just about everything. And again, OWN IT, take full responsibility for all your choices.

[Fallen Angel]

FA what could be the other way of imagining it ?

 

i might be wrong , but from her previous posts it seems she & her husband are still trying to fix it. in this scenario what would u suggest ?

 

Well, then one of us is obviously wrong, perhaps myself, but I have been under the impression that she and her husband are not still "trying to fix it" , and that they are both just staying in the marriage as a matter of it being more convenient right now.

[jennie-jennie]

This reminds me of the first time I went to visit my MM. My SO (whom I was still having sex with) knew all about MM. My SO and I have 3 children together, but we live in separate cities. I asked him to come and take care of the kids during the week I was away and he agreed. But was he jealous - both before I left and after I returned.

 

This was the one and only time I have asked him to look after the kids while I visit MM. They are old enough to take care of themselves now.

 

Oxford, I think FA has given you great advice. Be upfront, tell your husband the truth, and in advance so he has time to adjust.

[oxfordsocks]

There has been no reconnecting of me and my husband-he still knows i am in contact with MM and he has never been sure since the affair was discovered that he wanted to reconnect(too many things--too much unhappiness through years etcc) the affair was kind of the last straw.

I do own it all.

i HAVE REPEATEDLY ASKED HIM FOR HIS INPUT INTO WHAT HE WANTED BEFORE I BOOKED THIS TRIP. ALL he says is I don't know.

Obviously this is going to make a broad statment and yes i have thought of the consequences . I have not hid anything --and the keylogger question was to inquire if i used the computer could he still see what i was doing--so that he didn't "discover " anything again.i wanted to be as upfront as possible but i have booked my trip on the 20th of Jan and am hesitating as i am afraid of the hurt and the fall out and having to own up to my children(possibly) that i am going to Uk to be with someone--(not sure that is fair to them to say that ) and that is why i wanted my husband to not say anything after all i have to be somewhat adult about it. and the kids knowing about MM already had been difficult for my 13 year old who knows about the first time i met MM on a trip. He doesn't know of anything further and for his 13 year old braiin i would like to keep it that way. My husband and I are trying to get the house in order to sell it--that is why the delay we can't afford to both move out before are house sells --the only thing left are the carpets to be replaced. However i don't need to justify what i am doing--I just want advice on how to let him know if the most human although hurtful way possible. I am afraid to that he will someone try and stop me from going--ie cancelliing the trip etcc on our shared credit card-taking passport who knows...i don't want to jeopradize my plans that way. I have my own money by the way for the trip--he is not expensing it....just in case anyone else thinks that--the card i put it on we agreed would be my part of the marital debt in the division of property etc.....

[whichwayisup]

I just want advice on how to let him know if the most human although hurtful way possible.

 

You have NO OTHER CHOICE but to be HONEST. Anything short of that is unacceptable.

 

Fact that your kids already know about MM, it won't take them long to figure out that's where you are on your business trip (best to tell them it's a work related trip).

[LucreziaBorgia]

we can't afford to both move out before are house sells

 

Telling your H the truth would be the best thing, but it won't help you much.

 

Given that, I doubt your stbxH is going to be happy that you can afford to go visit a MM on your and his dime. Is MM chipping in at all or are you expected to foot the entire trip bill on you and your H's dime?

 

With the amount of money you are prepared to spend at your and your H's expense, are you prepared for MM to have other women he sees in addition to you? Anyone with an active FF account who travels like he does, does not limit himself to just one woman.

 

Think carefully before you do all of this.

Edited January 23, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[whichwayisup]

i HAVE REPEATEDLY ASKED HIM FOR HIS INPUT INTO WHAT HE WANTED BEFORE I BOOKED THIS TRIP. ALL he says is I don't know.

 

And with that, IF your H had told you, 'I don't want you to go'.. What then? Would you have chosen NOT to fly out to see your MM? Something tells me reguardless of how your husband feels or what he may have said, would NOT have mattered to you, as the end result still would have been you on that plane.

 

Think about just ending your marriage completely. Get a divorce as quickly and painlessly as possible. The turmoil you're putting your H (yes and KIDS too), through is pointless. You don't love your H, you have no intention of fixing your marriage, have no intention of ending your A, so just do the right thing, divorce.

[oxfordsocks]

Lucrezia why do you think that his account is still active on AFF? He has been home and off work since September 2009--he had an opporunity for a months work -8 hours from home so he took it--as money is running low--I have been in touch with him constantly--i have seen him home everyweekend and during the week on cam--

He has not been travelling except for this week--he is even camming when he gets a signal from aboat in the middle of UK . As for funding the trip--it is my OWN money--that i have saved for ME--I don't drink like my husband -nor play poker -and i have given up a lot of treats for me--so that i could save for the trip. MM and i usually save and divide expneses--or if i fly--he pays accomodation and visa versa -but this time i don't expect him (yes for food of course) as this is his first month of work in a bit--I am the higher income earner to.

I have been suspicious too of things he has said or pictures i saw and everything has always been the truth.

This suspicion i have got is from reading all this stuff here as i never ever once doubted him.

Actually it was only because everything was so amazing that i thought this just can't be real.

I was on AFF--I am not on it anymore--was on it for 6 weeks of my life--you can sign up for free-and you can use it just for email/chat etccc- not necessarily a hook up. I went on there as i stumbled over the site on my sisters POF -he said he went on their to look at boobs--peek is what he actually said--and i went on there too to peek--but when we met online it became just us all the time--no need to go on there and we both got off the site. If he can spend 8 hours a day onliine with me--as that is what it was like since he worked out of his home(and there was not much work sent for him to be doing so he talked all day with me--

he is home at night-in the morning i have no idea where all these other people are that you think he has--when he was away on business"we would talk on cam from the moment he arrived at his hotel: till he went to bed--and he would leave his cam on so i could watch him sleep---and so that i could wake hiim too in the morning.

So again opportunity was there all the time for a LIVE girl. He went once a month to another destination in UK and it was the same routine all the time-work-hotel-cam-dinner-cam-wake-work-hotel-cam.

This month he is not working from home and i am free to call him anytime of the day or night---although mobile i must say is a bit iffy sometimes --but he goes to a payphone some days when reception is bad to call me.

I see pictures from the boat he is on--he cams from the boat when he can--where are these other girls????

I text him and call--and go on yahoo when we can..

I am being honest with my husband --and I knew that that one capital letter line would be taken the wrong way--i meant i have been asking my husband what he wants to do about our marriage(not the trip) and all he says is i don't know. I can't live like that any more--with or without MM right now my husband and I live separatly in the same house I just get to cook his food and clean his clothes and bathroom-i can soon just clean my own stuff --

[whichwayisup]

I am being honest with my husband --and I knew that that one capital letter line would be taken the wrong way--i meant i have been asking my husband what he wants to do about our marriage(not the trip) and all he says is i don't know. I can't live like that any more--with or without MM right now my husband and I live separatly in the same house I just get to cook his food and clean his clothes and bathroom-i can soon just clean my own stuff

WHY are you putting the decision on your H? You don't love your H, you don't want to be married to him anymore, so YOU end it. Don't wait for him to do so...You are the one wanting out, not him, so you bring up divorce.

[silverfish]

WHY are you putting the decision on your H? You don't love your H, you don't want to be married to him anymore, so YOU end it. Don't wait for him to do so...You are the one wanting out, not him, so you bring up divorce.

 

Maybe the Op doesn't want the responsibility of ending the marriage and taking positive action to do so by moving out and so on. Her H doesnt know because he doesnt want to be the one to put the final nail in the coffin.

 

OP did you say you & your husband are still sleeping together? Are you afraid that your children will blame you for ending the marriage and leaving? Have you & your H discussed living arrangements, visitation, maintenance or anything practical like that yet? I wonder whether your MM has discussed any of these things with you or his W yet?

[oxfordsocks]

I guess i just really want him to say that it is all over--even though i know its over you still have doubt--and him not vocalizing that makes me wonder if anything could possibily be salvageable even after all of this--but it hard to end a marriage not matter how unhappy you are--we are not fighting or hating each other . its amicable and pretty normal life other than me sleeping alone everynight.

I have even offered him to sleep together to try and make it "better: but he has refused--ok to have sex the odd time though. Nothing has changed for me or him to daily try to improve the situation other than we get along better. I agree this is no way to live and by booking and telling my husband yes i have made the decision.

[whichwayisup]

So, let's say your H told you, I want to work on the marriage. Would you stop your affair? End it, go NC and focus on fixing your marriage?

 

IF the answer is no, then YOU have to end it. Do not stay to apease him. That's just cruel. The sooner you two separate for real and divorce, the better off you both will be.