How do i tell my husband i am leaving to go see MM in UK?

[fooled once]

I guess i just really want him to say that it is all over--even though i know its over you still have doubt--and him not vocalizing that makes me wonder if anything could possibily be salvageable even after all of this--but it hard to end a marriage not matter how unhappy you are--we are not fighting or hating each other . its amicable and pretty normal life other than me sleeping alone everynight.

I have even offered him to sleep together to try and make it "better: but he has refused--ok to have sex the odd time though. Nothing has changed for me or him to daily try to improve the situation other than we get along better. I agree this is no way to live and by booking and telling my husband yes i have made the decision.

 

So what are YOU doing to improve your marriage? Having an affair with a MM is not something that I would consider 'improving' a marriage.

 

Why don't YOU just say it is over? Why do you want him to? Why can't you just tell him you want to make a life with this married guy? Does his wife know about you?

 

be prepared for your son to hate you. He isn't stupid. He sees what is going on at home and probably hears a lot too. I would bet he knows you are going to go see this guy.

 

You are NOT owning your part in all this. You are expecting your husband to tell you it is over. You are expecting HIM to make changes. Again, what are YOU doing to try to improve your marriage?

 

As for should you be honest and tell him now vs when you are basically at the airport - if he is so okay with you going, then tell him NOW. Quit sneaking around.

 

So if you are online all day talking to this guy -- when are you parenting your child? Do you work? When are you trying to repair your marriage?

 

Do you plan to have a life with this MM? When is he going to tell his wife? Nice guy that he is - has been out of work for months, with his wife supporting him and now he is going to spend money on his OW.

 

If I was your H, I would do exactly like someone else said.....when you returned, the locks would be changed, your stuff would be boxed up and he would file abandonment charges on you and get custody of your kids.

[silverfish]

I guess i just really want him to say that it is all over--even though i know its over you still have doubt--and him not vocalizing that makes me wonder if anything could possibily be salvageable even after all of this--but it hard to end a marriage not matter how unhappy you are--we are not fighting or hating each other . its amicable and pretty normal life other than me sleeping alone everynight.

I have even offered him to sleep together to try and make it "better: but he has refused--ok to have sex the odd time though. Nothing has changed for me or him to daily try to improve the situation other than we get along better. I agree this is no way to live and by booking and telling my husband yes i have made the decision.

 

You may always have doubt...I do 2 yrs on, although I didnt leave for another man. Its unfair to expect him to say its over, even though you're pushing him to do that. I doubt that he will tell your kids that it was all your fault if you are still getting along ok now.

 

Is the fact hat he seems 'ok' with your A bothering you a little? Why does it bother you that he won't sleep with you but he'll have sex? I wonder if something is salvageable here as you still have these feelings...do you think there is?

 

You say your H not vocalising stuff makes you wonder if its salvageable, but plenty of men and women in his situation might be fighting tooth and nail to stop their marriage falling apart...he doesnt seem to be doing that. Maybe he's depressed and hasn't got it in him right now - I wouldn't blame him if he was...if he is depressed arent you a bit worried about how he might react when you tell him you're going to come to the UK?

[whichwayisup]

Why does it bother you that he won't sleep with you but he'll have sex?

 

Excellent point. Many MEN can and DO separate love and can have unemotional, detached sex. Your H still needs to have sex, and since you are OK still sleeping with him, he's not going to say no. It's nothing more, nothing less than that.

 

Sleeping next to you is intimate, and that is why he doesn't want to. Its' that closeness he can't handle anymore.

[greengoddess]

This has got to be one of the cruelest pieces of deception I have ever read on loveshack. Still living with your husband asking him what he wants while you spend hour camming with your mm, including going to sleep with the cam on one another.

 

If that isn't cruel enough you made arrangements to fly off to see him without telling your husband or your kids? The cruelty in this astounds me. You are a coward of the biggest kind and you would rather kill someone with this awful deception than own up to the truth. Tell him. Tell him now.

 

It will ruin you though. You know that. Married men that play around on aff (site for SEX not dating) are not going anywhere. They are having fun.

This guy just has you pay to happily fly off to another country to play with him while he's working. Are you crazy?

 

If you want the kids to have any respect whatsoever for you you will not sneak off and let them watch their dad discover it.

[tami-chan]

Where is the deception? the husband knows about the affair and CHOOSES to stay in the marriage which allows her to be a cake-eater...

 

OP, tell your husband you want to go to UK to be with your BF, just expect the worst when you come back. You asking how to tell your husband indicates that you want to control his reaction..guess what? that's beyond you. So before you go, make sure all important documents are in a safe place...etc.etc....

[oxfordsocks]

I am not looking to control mu husbands reaction--i am scared to death about his reaction only beccause this seems to seal the fate of our marriage. i am choosing to openly go and visit MM unlike hiding it.

MM has visited me hear in Canada as well so its not a one way street.

BY the way I think that flying to Canada/Europe is a hell of a long way to go to have sex--when you can just find it anywhere locally or even just 2 or 3 hours away on that site.

You paint a picture of me horribly when i am trying to get advice on how to do it the best way possible(as perhaps someone out there may have been in the same situation).

I have read letters that MM has sent me to my husband--all is out in the open except me telling him the trip--mostly as i am afraid i think of him somehow stopping me.

Do you think he can be any more upset than when he found my flight iternary (and the affair) when i last when to UK and he didn't say a word for a month--he even let me go . I am making a decision here openly. I am hoping to keep the purpose of my visit out of it with the kids after all i think adults are allowed to have adult things kept from childs ears.

I think i have been brave in being open with this"affair" i guess if its that when everyone knows abaout it i haven't another word for it.

I have lived under the same roof talking daily to MM with my spouse's knowledge no deceit here, not a bit. I booked trip 4 days ago and leave on Friday.Will i be able to return home--yes i am sure of that--and i will be much happier having spent time with the person that i love. If that part of it ends up being a mistake than so be it but at least its a decision--I can't live wondering if we can patch things up and go about living as roomates one in the bsement one upstairs. The thing with the cam was in response by the way to MM having other people on his trips--so that appears to be not the case.

[RedDevil66]

Since you're a coward and cannot leave your husband, I HOPE your husband growns a spine and leaves you.

 

It's low and sick that you would sleep with a man and ask him to share your bed while you're planning a trip to have sex with some other guy.

 

I would give this advice to a women who's H was doing this to her as well.

I'm shocked at how the women in here are being so coddling about this. If she were a women coming on here saying her H was doing this, you would be telling her to leave his sorry butt!

 

Women always whine about double standards, well women, you create most of them

 

Tell you husband you're off to meet your married cheater and grow some self respect and self love and leave your poor husabnd so he can have a life too

 

ugh!

[RedDevil66]

if the situation was reversed and it was the husband leaving his wife and children behind for 5 days, what advice would be given?

 

Expect 1)to have papers served to you. 2)expect to see all your belongings boxed up and the locks changed. Just because you're the 'wife' in this senario, doesn't get you off the hook of consquences..man or woman, doesn't matter. You've chosen to intentionally continue your a. 3)expect your h to contact mm's wife. If i were him, i certainly would in a heartbeat. 4)expect to lose just about everything. And again, own it, take full responsibility for all your choices.

 

ditto ditto ditto!

[greengoddess]

Where is the deception? the husband knows about the affair and CHOOSES to stay in the marriage which allows her to be a cake-eater...

 

 

OMG are you kidding? Where is the deception? She purchased plane tickets to another country ahead of time with planning and forethought as she asks her husband what he wants to do about the marriage. Then she hires house cleaners and whatnot to make it easier for the kids. She is planning on leavining without saying goodbye to her children or her husband. OMG and you ask where the deception is?

 

This is CRUEL. Tell your husband so he can make plans for while you are gone and tell your kids. Don't lie to your children. They are going to have a hard enough time with this.

[oxfordsocks]

Green goddess i have not been askiing what my husband wants since i purchased the ticket. I may not be communicating properly i guess (if that even matters here). I made the decision to book after 7 months of wondering where things were going--even a week ago . All I get is i don't know.

So if he decides down the road that he doesn't want to move forward and try to reconcile the marriage than i have missed this opportunity to forward my relationship with the man i am in love with(and that is really what it comes down to is that I am in love with MM not my husband) and its been that way for a long time--but it takes time to dissolve a marriage. House-cottage-sports-moving-getting house ready-Christmas-it was decided the best thing was for me not to move out immediatly when affair was discovered and I am glad actually as we were both so mad with each other. Now we sit on the bed and laugh about me talking to MM and my husband tells me he wants a girlfriend to one day.(as he said laughing) He believes 100% about this MM and his legitimate turmoil about leaving a family and life in UK. He doesn't believe there are alterior motives.

This time has made us better friends but its still hurtful for me to actually come out and say it to him that i am leaving to go and visit. Yes i put myself in the reverse role and wonder how i could handle it.

I wanted to make -yes -my time away easier for everyone on a basic level--food clothing a tidy house --as i would nrmally do for any trip. but i realize that this is different so if i can make coming home from work and dinner time easier i will(normally i would just leave it up to him to take the kids out) i am not trying to keep the trip from him and tell him while i leave from the airport--

[Fallen Angel]

Oxford hun,

 

Chin up, girl!!

 

You know you are not being decietful, you owe these people no explainations. They are not here to give you advice, they are here to attack you.

 

I stand by what I said, you need to just sit down with H and tell him. It may be uncomfortable, but you and he both know the score. You are living as roommates and have been for sometime. You both accepted that, and you both are well aware that some of the conversations to come will be uncomfortable. But he loves you, like you love him, as a friend. He respects you, like you respect him, as a friend. The best path is that of honesty. If you leave without having been upfront and dealing with it first, you will regret it. You will be thinking about it during your vacation, and you will not be able to enjoy your time with your MM.

 

Talk to your H, and then go and have a lovely time with your MM.

 

P.S. I private messaged you last night, don't know if you got it.

[RedDevil66]

Oxford hun,

 

Chin up, girl!!

 

You know you are not being decietful, you owe these people no explainations. They are not here to give you advice, they are here to attack you.

 

I stand by what I said, you need to just sit down with H and tell him. It may be uncomfortable, but you and he both know the score. You are living as roommates and have been for sometime. You both accepted that, and you both are well aware that some of the conversations to come will be uncomfortable. But he loves you, like you love him, as a friend. He respects you, like you respect him, as a friend. The best path is that of honesty. If you leave without having been upfront and dealing with it first, you will regret it. You will be thinking about it during your vacation, and you will not be able to enjoy your time with your MM.

 

Talk to your H, and then go and have a lovely time with your MM.

 

P.S. I private messaged you last night, don't know if you got it.

 

You're joking!

Respect and honesty!? She's having an affair with a MARRIED MAN, where is the honesty and respect???

She cheated on her H. yeah ok, so now they are just room mates, yet she is scared to tell him she's off to sleep with a married man? Why is he is so cool with just being her buddy?!

 

Room mates sleep together? really!

 

People are NOT attacking, we are trying to make her see reality.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Lucrezia why do you think that his account is still active on AFF?

 

Do you have undeniable proof that it isn't? Regardless of whether he does or not, I have a feeling in the end that you will regret spending so much of your own time and money on this guy.

[Fallen Angel]

You're joking!

Respect and honesty!? She's having an affair with a MARRIED MAN, where is the honesty and respect???

She cheated on her H. yeah ok, so now they are just room mates, yet she is scared to tell him she's off to sleep with a married man? Why is he is so cool with just being her buddy?!

 

Room mates sleep together? really!

 

People are NOT attacking, we are trying to make her see reality.

 

The reality is that her husband is fully aware of the affair. The reality is that she and her husband have come to a place where they are just friends, to the point that they talk openly about her relationship with her MM. The reality is that yes, sometimes when two people are lonely, and they no longer have 'in love' feelings for each other, but they do love each other (and sometimes when there is no love left at all) they get together and have sex.

 

The reality is that you and many like you come to this board not to help anyone, but to attack them, and try to make them feel less than, so the drivel that comes from your fingers is very much like the Charlie Brown Parents talking "waaa waa waa waa waaa". I just keep wondering when they are going to change the description of this board from "support for" to "attack of".

[LucreziaBorgia]

Money comes and goes.. but time? Time wastes, and once it is gone it is gone and you may well find yourself wishing upon wishing that you could turn back time and get some of it back and go in a different direction.

Edited January 25, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[RedDevil66]

The reality is that her husband is fully aware of the affair. The reality is that she and her husband have come to a place where they are just friends, to the point that they talk openly about her relationship with her MM. The reality is that yes, sometimes when two people are lonely, and they no longer have 'in love' feelings for each other, but they do love each other (and sometimes when there is no love left at all) they get together and have sex.

 

The reality is that you and many like you come to this board not to help anyone, but to attack them, and try to make them feel less than, so the drivel that comes from your fingers is very much like the Charlie Brown Parents talking "waaa waa waa waa waaa". I just keep wondering when they are going to change the description of this board from "support for" to "attack of".

 

What you see as an attack is actually called Tough love, but you're also too blind to see it cause you're in the depths as well.

 

If maybe you listen to some of the "attacks' you can maybe heal your life.

 

Here's the reality, she's having an affair with a married man, meaning she is also hurting another man's wife, is wondering if she should lie to her room mate who she still has sex with.

 

You see the world as a mistress, I see it as a realist, so I'm offering up some reality instead of a continued world of pain

 

Take what you need and leave the rest

 

and the "many like me" who come here were in your shoes and grew from our pains and the pains we caused others. People like me have healed

[LucreziaBorgia]

n/m

 

nevermind, nevermind

[Fallen Angel]

What you see as an attack is actually called Tough love, but you're also too blind to see it cause you're in the depths as well.

 

If maybe you listen to some of the "attacks' you can maybe heal your life.

 

Here's the reality, she's having an affair with a married man, meaning she is also hurting another man's wife, is wondering if she should lie to her room mate who she still has sex with.

 

You see the world as a mistress, I see it as a realist, so I'm offering up some reality instead of a continued world of pain

 

Take what you need and leave the rest

 

LMAO.. heal my life?? LMAO

 

You know nothing of my life... you know what heals my life? When My MM holds me in his arms and kisses my forehead and tells me he loves me, and caresses my hair until i fall into blissful slumber with his warmth next to me.

 

What heals me is knowing that he will be here to kiss me tomorrow, and that tonight he has called me several times, and is looking forward to speaking with me again this evening. Knowing that right now he is thinking of me.. how do I know, cause he left me a message just a few moments ago just to let me know that he was. :love:

 

What heals me is knowing that while it may not last forever (most relationships don't) right now, I am his passion, his love, his heart.. and that he will spend the rest of his life (with or without me) LOVING ME.

[RedDevil66]

If you were healed, you would not need the crumbs of another woman's husband

 

nuff said

 

sorry for your pain

[Fallen Angel]

If you were healed, you would not need the crumbs of another woman's husband

 

nuff said

 

sorry for your pain

 

I don't get crumbs, I get the best of him. I get him always smiling. I get him always loving, I get him always laughing, I get him always wanting to be with me, I get him longing for me when we are apart... like I said, I get the best of him.

[RedDevil66]

I don't get crumbs, I get the best of him. I get him always smiling. I get him always loving, I get him always laughing, I get him always wanting to be with me, I get him longing for me when we are apart... like I said, I get the best of him.

 

are you trying to convince me, or yourself?!

[Fallen Angel]

are you trying to convince me, or yourself?!

 

LOL.. i don't have to convince myself, I already know..

[RedDevil66]

LOL.. i don't have to convince myself, I already know..

 

ok ...........

[greengoddess]

So if he decides down the road that he doesn't want to move forward and try to reconcile the marriage than i have missed this opportunity to forward my relationship with the man i am in love with(and that is really what it comes down to is that I am in love with MM not my husband) and its been that way for a long time--but it takes time to dissolve a marriage.

 

So basically you are in love with your mm. Have you told your husband this? Does he know you love him? Have you been that honest? So you don't want to miss out with the love of your life if your husband doesn't want to reconcile? This makes no sense if you love your mm. So what if your husband says tomorrow I want to try? Then what?

 

You need to tell your husband the truth. This is cruel.

 

How many times have you actually seen this mm you love in person?

We all love a fantasy with all the right words. The story book romance...

[greengoddess]

I don't get crumbs, I get the best of him. I get him always smiling. I get him always loving, I get him always laughing, I get him always wanting to be with me, I get him longing for me when we are apart... like I said, I get the best of him.

 

 

That's not a real relationship. Don't you see that? Don't you want the real man? Faults and all not the perfect personna he puts on.