RedDevil66 Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Crow, kudos! I like your no BS reply. To the point and again, REALITY! Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 The OP has already resolved her dilemna to her own satisfaction... and her husband...apparently...c'mon, it' not like OPs' H is imprisoned in the basement....he CAN walk away, you know. He has CHOSEN to stay, for whatever reason, I am sure it is not altruistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Crow9726 Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 As for your question if it triggered me somehow...the answer is yes... I also notice many threads that veer off topic or at least away from the OP's questions...so taking the step I did seemed like a logical progression... At least anyone who reads what I wrote knows my stance on such matters...no mixed messages emanating from me... Yes...I was cheated on in a 28 year marriage... Yes...I took the high road much like the OP's BS is seeming to do... But I've always been a high road kinda guy...sometimes/most times to my own detriment... What I want is the "ideal" for this world and the next...that's another pipe dream of mine...but I am far from being self delusional or self deceptive... It simply doesn't exist... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 As for your question if it triggered me somehow...the answer is yes... I also notice many threads that veer off topic or at least away from the OP's questions...so taking the step I did seemed like a logical progression... At least anyone who reads what I wrote knows my stance on such matters...no mixed messages emanating from me... Yes...I was cheated on in a 28 year marriage... Yes...I took the high road much like the OP's BS is seeming to do... But I've always been a high road kinda guy...sometimes/most times to my own detriment... What I want is the "ideal" for this world and the next...that's another pipe dream of mine...but I am far from being self delusional or self deceptive... It simply doesn't exist... Crow It was just a question considering you practically evoked every world religion to request a Special Hell for adulterers. I think the regular Hell will be more than adequate. Sorry. Not trying to belittle you or your pain. The post just stood out in its extremity. Link to post Share on other sites
Crow9726 Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 I know you weren't...but thanks for saying so... Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 I am not second, no matter how many times you all try to convince me otherwise. It is me that he MAKES AN EFFORT to be with. It is me that he WANTS to be with. It is me that he goes out of his way to contact irregardless of what else is going on in his life that day. He doesn't turn off his phone when he is at his house with his W, leaving it on for me to contact him anytime I choose. But when he is in my home with me, he turns his phone off, so that our time is not interrupted. It is me he plans things with. It is me he makes time for. I am the one he makes effort to please. I don't call that being "second" in relation to his wife's position. *shrug* I think there are some really crazy, harsh pots on this thread! But I did just want to add a (not so harsh) note on this post. It's sad FallenAngel, you deserve so much better. He gives you so little yet you are so, so happy with it. He lives with his W, he goes home to her every night, they have a network of friends, they share lives and families, they get Christmas, Valentines Day, Thanksgiving, vacations, blah blah, and you're just a secret, you get so little of his time, all he does for you is keep his phone on. That's nothing. You are 100% second best, but I know you are in total denial over that. I'm NOT flaming you - I wouldn't like to see any harsh posters going on at you - its just sad, that's all, if my friend was going through this I'd want to bash the guy for treating her so freakin badly!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 As for your question if it triggered me somehow...the answer is yes... I also notice many threads that veer off topic or at least away from the OP's questions...so taking the step I did seemed like a logical progression... At least anyone who reads what I wrote knows my stance on such matters...no mixed messages emanating from me... Yes...I was cheated on in a 28 year marriage... Yes...I took the high road much like the OP's BS is seeming to do... But I've always been a high road kinda guy...sometimes/most times to my own detriment... What I want is the "ideal" for this world and the next...that's another pipe dream of mine...but I am far from being self delusional or self deceptive... It simply doesn't exist... Why did you take the "high road"? (by that, what do you mean? I don't want to make assumptions). You obviously are not happy or have not worked out your anger about the affair....so you should reconsider your decision of having taken the "high road". Look, I understand how you feel...I was a BS, too...for more than a dozen years...stayed in the marriage and raise my child. But I redefined my marriage and set my parameters in the marriage...and I was ok with it. BTW, how long ago was D-day? maybe you just need time....and you are allowed that. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 lmao.. sorry, but it doesn't work on me anymore. I have come to a place internal peace about my relationship. It may very well turn out not to be a forever relationship, but right now, today, he makes me happy, and he makes me feel loved, and valued, and special, and beautiful, and I intend to enjoy every minute of it!!!! Oh, FA, I am so happy you have found this place too! It is nice here, is it not? ROTFL to your comments about the patterns, especially the "Push NC at her until her ears want to bleed..."! :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Why stay with your W now if you want her to go to a special hell when she passes? Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Wow, you are reading things i did not type.. i am sure I never once said that her H wasn't "up to par" in the marriage. Where do you get that? All I said was that they were both disappointed that the marriage was not what they had hoped for. You are twisting my words. Her H is sweet, he has been kind, and compassionate and understanding and a true friend to her. Again, what is hard to understand about that. Their marriage was obviously not working for either one of them. They both knew it, but they are FRIENDS. And yes, I will applaud him for having a truly loving FRIENDSHIP with the woman he married even though the romantic aspects did not work out the way they had both hoped. Perhaps you would understand it more if he had called her names, maybe beat her up a little?? I am the one who is confused.. it seems that you think he should hate her, for not being in love with him, when he clearly is not in love with her either. Suggesting that people would be somehow happier or feel vindicated if this husband beat the OP is taking things to kind of a ridiculous level, FA. I understand that you see your version and feel set upon by those who see another; personally I think the truth lies somewhere in between. While the OP seems to paint a picture of a man who is reconciled to his wife's wandering and amicable communication between them, I can't help but linger over some of her throwaway comments...that her husband installed a keylogger on her computer, that he didn't speak to her for a MONTH after her last trip to the UK, that he would rather live in the basement than sleep intimately beside her and can only answer that he doesn't know what to do when she pushes him to make some decision reacting to her philandering. To me, these paint another picture, that of a deeply, although quietly, unhappy man. While I do commend the OP and give her credit for bringing her affair into the light rather than gaslighting her husband into oblivion as many have done...believe me, I think honesty is always the best policy in these tangled, painful matters... I don't think it's an unreasonable interpretation to see her reading the MM's letters to her husband, planning trips to visit the MM while still living with her husband and deliberately keeping him in the dark until the last minute, as a woman twisting the knife. Frankly, I don't think she means to be, and I think her husband is reacting remarkably well, probably out of some respect for her honesty and in deference to her being the mother of his children. But it still seems to me that she has a serious empathy problem blinding her to her own behavior. FWIW, I think it's best for everyone involved if this marriage is dissolved as quickly as possible, while the amicable feelings are still in ascendancy. I am among those who think the OP is making a massive mistake in pursuing an unemployed married man who lives in another country whom she met on Adult Friend Finder--but she is a big girl and has already dismantled her own family, she might as well figure that out for herself. Oxfordsocks I hope you and your stbx figure out how to make this transition as easy as possible for your children. If any more questions like this come up where you are not sure how much of your behavior to disclose to your H, my advice will always be to be as honest and upfront with him as possible. It sounds like he certainly deserves that much from you, at least. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 I think this post has veered off onto other people situations and that isn't fair to the OP. If people want to criticize FA for HER choices, start another thread or PM her. Oxford started this thread about HER situation, let's try to keep it there. I do have ONE or TWO more questions OXFORD --- does your MM's wife know about you and him? Secondly, is he telling you he is going to leave his wife for you? Link to post Share on other sites
silverfish Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 Suggesting that people would be somehow happier or feel vindicated if this husband beat the OP is taking things to kind of a ridiculous level, FA. I understand that you see your version and feel set upon by those who see another; personally I think the truth lies somewhere in between. While the OP seems to paint a picture of a man who is reconciled to his wife's wandering and amicable communication between them, I can't help but linger over some of her throwaway comments...that her husband installed a keylogger on her computer, that he didn't speak to her for a MONTH after her last trip to the UK, that he would rather live in the basement than sleep intimately beside her and can only answer that he doesn't know what to do when she pushes him to make some decision reacting to her philandering. To me, these paint another picture, that of a deeply, although quietly, unhappy man. While I do commend the OP and give her credit for bringing her affair into the light rather than gaslighting her husband into oblivion as many have done...believe me, I think honesty is always the best policy in these tangled, painful matters... I don't think it's an unreasonable interpretation to see her reading the MM's letters to her husband, planning trips to visit the MM while still living with her husband and deliberately keeping him in the dark until the last minute, as a woman twisting the knife. Frankly, I don't think she means to be, and I think her husband is reacting remarkably well, probably out of some respect for her honesty and in deference to her being the mother of his children. But it still seems to me that she has a serious empathy problem blinding her to her own behavior. FWIW, I think it's best for everyone involved if this marriage is dissolved as quickly as possible, while the amicable feelings are still in ascendancy. I am among those who think the OP is making a massive mistake in pursuing an unemployed married man who lives in another country whom she met on Adult Friend Finder--but she is a big girl and has already dismantled her own family, she might as well figure that out for herself. Oxfordsocks I hope you and your stbx figure out how to make this transition as easy as possible for your children. If any more questions like this come up where you are not sure how much of your behavior to disclose to your H, my advice will always be to be as honest and upfront with him as possible. It sounds like he certainly deserves that much from you, at least. I agree with a lot of this. The one thing that has been playing on my mind is the H in this situation, I mean apart from the obvious hurt and pain he must be going through, I'm a bit troubled by his possible mental state. I think there may be more going on under the surface than the OP thinks and I would be worried about him, and how he will cope while shes away looking after the kids and everything....just all sounds a bit too good to be true. Does he have anyone to talk to other than you? Link to post Share on other sites
MizzBlue72 Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 To the original question: JUST TELL HIM!!!! You've said he knows, so ok. He knows. Really you need to decide: 1. ARE your WANTING your marriage to work? If so, marriage will not work with 3 people in it 2. ARE you willing to leave your H? If you are, you should never EVER leave for another person. You should leave for you. You may be doing so, but unclear on my end. D is a really REALLY hard thing to do. Assests split, etc. I think I read where your H has been out of work. This plays into it too. Do you still love your H? If so, drop the A and fix your marriage. If your marriage is over, then woman up, tell him so and leave. In house separations are very hard. If you are in the same house for the kids, I am sure they can pick up on the tension. Or - novel idea - ask your H if HE WANTS an OPEN marriage. Not sure if that is something you guys have thought about, but hey, some marriages roll like that. Good luck on what you decide .... and use condoms!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 "I think I read where your H has been out of work" no, her AP doesn't have one...well he seems to have better job than normal 9-6 job, probably good at what he does.... to me it is looking like her H definitely has some surprise planned out...who wants to be with a cheater anyways(good for him)... to me he doesn't have to do a thing.....she is already in a deep hole I think the OP should look into the kinds of things her H can do while she is away visiting her Adult Friend Finder MM. If I were this H, sure I'd be cordial if I knew my marriage was over, but I'd also do a few things to protect my interests by seeing a lawyer and finding out what my options are given that my spouse is openly cheating on me in such an irresponsible manner (AFF, means complete stranger, not someone things *just happened* with). Right now the OP seems to think that her H is just wishing her well, and totally accepting that their marriage is over and that his W wants to waste their money by visiting some strange man she met online over seas, but I doubt it. I think he has something very special lined up. Let's just hope its legal. He's already put a keylogger onto their PC. I think the OP is just so fogged up that she isn't paying attention and is only hearing what she wants to. All this talk about degrees makes not a bit of difference when common sense has taken a leave of absence. Link to post Share on other sites
Joe Normal Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 So, is this the guy you met on AFF?? A MARRIED man on AFF you are going to see? What do you think he has been doing for sex since you saw him this summer? Exactly. 99% of men on that site are either screwing multiple women, or trying their darnedest to. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 I don't get crumbs, I get the best of him. I get him always smiling. I get him always loving, I get him always laughing, I get him always wanting to be with me, I get him longing for me when we are apart... like I said, I get the best of him. But do you get him for holidays, Bar Mitzvahs and when the mortgage is due? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 IIRC this was a thread for oxfordsocks to ask for input on how to tell her H she was going to see her MM and NOT a thread where Fallen Angel asked to be beaten up for accepting less than what some posters consider an adequate deal. I'm sure if FA wanted a thread where she could be beaten up on, she'd start one, and not t/j someone else's... Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 IIRC this was a thread for oxfordsocks to ask for input on how to tell her H she was going to see her MM and NOT a thread where Fallen Angel asked to be beaten up for accepting less than what some posters consider an adequate deal. I'm sure if FA wanted a thread where she could be beaten up on, she'd start one, and not t/j someone else's... I haven't seen Fallen Angel for a while. Is this how we want the OW forum to be? A place where no women actively in affairs can find support without being harrassed? Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 If any of you know from before my husband is aware of the affair--me and MM have not seen each other since JUne 2009-- but we finally have an opportunity to get together for a long period of time(5 nights) as opposed to 3 on any of our other visits. I have made all arrangeents--food -daycare-housecleaning etcc to make the time away easier on everyone here(my two kids-) I leave on the 29th of Jan and i still haven't told them I want to tell my kids i am just going away--but i want to tell my husband of course the truth(he did ask at Christmas if i was going to go visit him) My husband and i have made no forward mending of our marriage-he still sleeps in basement and has since July 2009--and we had our "christmas eve" intamIcy-but nothing since-- I know this is not going to be easy--part of me wants to just call him on the day i am leaving so he can't do anything about it--the other wants to let him know very soon. I know kids will have lots of questions but i am not prepared to say--mom is going to UK --although my older one will likely have his suspicisons i am sure this will expediate our separation --and I did ask earlier in the year if booking time to see my MM would put the final nail our coffin--my husband replied I don't know..... Any advice? Okay, when I first read this I thought you had to be a troll, but now I wonder... Just tell him what you posted above, that you've carefully premeditated this tryst with your (married?) lover and made all the arrangements, but I can tell you how I would respond to this kind of news. 1. I would cancel your return flight and make your ticket a one-way. 2. I would pack up your belongings and ship them to MM's address in care of his wife 3. I would find the best shark of a divorce attorney I could afford and look into a charge against you for abandoning your children. 4. I would change all the locks in the house. GEL is right, this is cruel. If you want to fly off to hook-up with your married lover, have the common courtesy to END your relationship with your spouse first. I have a feeling you are just keeping your H around as plan B for when MM inevitably dumps you or comes up with some lame excuse for why he can't leave. For your husbands sake, I hope he has the balls NOT to be a consolation prize. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 Have you always had that biting sense of humor? Oh, and what was it I said,.....oh yes, your caustic replies, did I mention a sense of superiority mixed in? Why do you feel such a need to be so .........well lacking in niceness? Yes, I've always had a great sense of humor and I'm very, very nice. I just don't like selfish people who go around hurting others without remorse, and this board is chock full of those. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oxfordsocks Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 i am back and the door locks were not changed and my clothes are no where on the way to the wife of my MM. tHE KIDS enjoyed their presents and my husband and I are just fine. maybe a little more quiet. We spoke 3 times for quiet a while while i was away each time i called boys and also to talk to him about a few issues that i wanted his opinion on. This past weekend was the very first time i felt really and remorse or regreat over my husbands feelings(in a sad way) I wasn't on a high over on my trip --very grounded in reality--it was by no means a vacation like the other trips as MM was working during day so normal work schedule sort of for days. it was still wonderful to be together and spend lots of time talking and doing regular things. He will be off to Dubai to work soon and he has offered to PAY and bring me over there(someone had asked about who pays for what etcc,,,if that matters) i actually make more money than him and don't mind paying at all. He is not a rich man-and i am sure there are lots out there with opinions about money etcc in affairs but he certainly doesn't have a lot of money to throw around especially being off work the last 7 months so i view this positivelly. I am still surprised at how we can be apart for 7 months and fall right back so naturally with each other. I also believe that honesty with my husband has been the best thing. We ae still getting house in order to sell and we have become good friends over this to the point that we might not even sell a cottage property right away in our divorce but maintain in mutually for a few years so that we can both have better places to live upon separation. I think by not sneaking around i have made it better. i do owe him that much at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 I think by not sneaking around i have made it better. i do owe him that much at this point. I think so too. About Dubai and your MM paying, I say, I always let my MM pay. He is the reason we are still living apart, so why should he not cover the extra expenses for that. That's the way I look at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oxfordsocks Posted February 11, 2010 Author Share Posted February 11, 2010 jennie jennie your right--I never thought about it that way Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 i am back and the door locks were not changed and my clothes are no where on the way to the wife of my MM. tHE KIDS enjoyed their presents and my husband and I are just fine. maybe a little more quiet. We spoke 3 times for quiet a while while i was away each time i called boys and also to talk to him about a few issues that i wanted his opinion on. This past weekend was the very first time i felt really and remorse or regreat over my husbands feelings(in a sad way) I wasn't on a high over on my trip --very grounded in reality--it was by no means a vacation like the other trips as MM was working during day so normal work schedule sort of for days. it was still wonderful to be together and spend lots of time talking and doing regular things. He will be off to Dubai to work soon and he has offered to PAY and bring me over there(someone had asked about who pays for what etcc,,,if that matters) i actually make more money than him and don't mind paying at all. He is not a rich man-and i am sure there are lots out there with opinions about money etcc in affairs but he certainly doesn't have a lot of money to throw around especially being off work the last 7 months so i view this positivelly. I am still surprised at how we can be apart for 7 months and fall right back so naturally with each other. I also believe that honesty with my husband has been the best thing. We ae still getting house in order to sell and we have become good friends over this to the point that we might not even sell a cottage property right away in our divorce but maintain in mutually for a few years so that we can both have better places to live upon separation. I think by not sneaking around i have made it better. i do owe him that much at this point. Has he told his wife about you? Is he ever planning to tell her? If not, then you are still sneaking around. Because I am guessing that she would have a few things to say about her husband having sex with someone else. Until he tells his wife and they decide the state of their marriage, you are still sneaking around, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 To the original question: JUST TELL HIM!!!! You've said he knows, so ok. He knows. Really you need to decide: 1. ARE your WANTING your marriage to work? If so, marriage will not work with 3 people in it 2. ARE you willing to leave your H? If you are, you should never EVER leave for another person. You should leave for you. You may be doing so, but unclear on my end. D is a really REALLY hard thing to do. Assests split, etc. I think I read where your H has been out of work. This plays into it too. Do you still love your H? If so, drop the A and fix your marriage. If your marriage is over, then woman up, tell him so and leave. In house separations are very hard. If you are in the same house for the kids, I am sure they can pick up on the tension. Or - novel idea - ask your H if HE WANTS an OPEN marriage. Not sure if that is something you guys have thought about, but hey, some marriages roll like that. Good luck on what you decide .... and use condoms!!!! I think this is possibly the most straightforward and honest post regarding solutions to A's. Link to post Share on other sites
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