My boyfriend won't touch me, but he wants to move in. Can this relationship be saved?

[tart-tatin]

Time is running out here! My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. He was in the Persian Gulf during the war for six months so obviously during that time we were apart. He did not renew his military contract so he's now out of a job and now wants to move in with me February 1--meaning he'll have to give notice at his place on 1/1. I initially invited him, saying he was welcome to stay until he found another job, etc., but now I don't think it's the best idea since things are not really going that well between us. We LOVE hanging out together, and always spend time together, but our problems seem so insurmountable, I'm afraid that if he moves in I'll end up a bitter old lady before I know what hit me. There is literally almost NO sex (we had it once when he got back) and very little affection on his part, although we always hold hands when we're outside (whatever that means). Also, there are some pretty major trust issues stemming from his behalf that have recurred through out the relationship, cheating initially, among other things. The obvious thing is not to have him move in. However, as I see it, we would also have to break up--a subject which I have broached more than a few times, but we've somehow avoided because he desparately wants to stay together, and when I see how earnest he is, I do too. There's often assurance from him that we will "work on things" so I guess I remain somewhat optimistic.... but I have to decide within the next couple of days, whether or not we should move in together. I feel that if we don't the axe must fall definitively, and I just don't feel real couragous about that. Any insight would be soooooooooooooooo greatly appreciated.... I can't get a grip on this one.....

[moimeme]

Why can't you still go out while living apart? Why must 'the axe fall'? It is perfectly sensible to want to spend more time getting things sorted out before living with someone.

[DerangedAngel]

tart-tatin,

 

Have you talked to your boyfriend about the lack of attention/sexual interaction? If he used to be all over you before the time apart, and has suddenly stopped - I would see that as kind of weird and would want to discuss it with him. However, if he has always been like this, and you have enjoyed your relationship together for 2.5 years, I don't see how this is a factor in whether or not he moves in.

 

About the trust issues, if you still feel like you cannot trust him I think you pretty much have to make a choice to either break it off now, or trust him until you learn for certain he is doing something you wouldn't approve of.

 

The obvious thing is not to have him move in. However, as I see it, we would also have to break up--

 

If he has said anything to make you feel like you either have to put him up, or he will break up with you, he's not much of a guy. However, if these are only your feelings, I have to ask what made you think this way. If you all communicate well, you should be able to tell him you just aren't ready to have a live-in S.O. right now.

 

It seems like you don't really have much time to think, eh? Just don't be too hasty and get stuck with a jobless guy you'll have to take care of for who knows how long, unless you just want to kick him out. I understand that you wanna help out (even just as a friend to him), but at the same time are confused about your relationship. Talk to him! Tell him you guys need to start working on things as he promised right now, before the move. Good luck.

 

-Deranged

[tart-tatin]

Moimeme, you're totally right--we should still be able to go out even if we don't live together. I realized that the fundamental issue that I didn't really underscore is the trust thing. In my mind, if he's not interested in me, he's certainly not going to remain celebate (nor would I) and that eventually he's going to pursue a sexual relationship with someone or several someones and I'm terrified of finding out...

 

Deranged, I can't say that things were ever necessarily hot and heavy but there were intense periods.... Since he's hooked up with other people during our relationship (ugghhhh!!!) I definitely know he's into sex. Without getting too graphic, there's specific indications that he's into guys (but he's TOTALLY under the radar--remember, he was in the military and that is SO taboo). So I often wonder that maybe he's actually into guys, but then I know that he definitely likes girls... so I'm just totally confused. I'm realizing that there is no clear definition of sexuality and maybe people don't even know what's going on themselves. Honestly, I wouldn't be overly concerned about the being-into-guys thing except for the obvious AIDS (and I live in San Francisco!) and the fact that I'm being totally shut out by him sexually. So I guess for me, it boils down to, if I agree to have him move in, and we would have fun together for the most part, then I'm agreeing to accept that the sex thing is not a cut and dry issue and may not easily get resolved, if ever (he's pretty resistant to having really specific conversations about it--but he's more or less open to discussing it on some level). If I decide he can't move in because I don't perceive the trust/sex thing as workable, than I don't think the relationship is ultimately worth it. I'm certainly leaning towards that side, but if there's a way through this, I sure would like to find a way! Perhaps it's totally unrealistic to think that these issues can be resolved! Sometimes I get so upset, it really sucks.

[mandarincool]

Hi there,

 

You are really laying out a lot of very important facts, and you have gotten great basic advice from moimenme, which you seem to want to follow. Great.

 

The very important issue of your boyfriend's ambivalent, unresolved sexuality (i.e., orientation, identity, ability to commit, possible avoidance of intimacy), must be taken seriously. He doesn't simply sound like a happy bisexual guy. He sounds confused, ambivalent and though he says he's working on it, it doesn't sound like he's being honest. Either he is lying to you, or worse, to himself!

 

Sorry to say it, but he sounds gay. This must really frighten him, particularly because admitting it might mean losing his best friend: you. At least he may be thinking this as it seems he and you have constructed the situation such that either you move forward with committment and cohabitation, or you are through. Why can you not be best friends and recognize that the flame is gone? I suspect that in addition to the natural fear of loss of a valued relationship and all the hopes for the future you've both held, he is also hanging on because he thinks he needs you- for shelter and other material reasons. That is messed up.

 

By agreeing to collude with this you certainly will be a bitter old lady. Also it won't really help him in the long run to face his demons (sexual confusion, gulf war trauma), for you to foot the bill and make things too easy for him.

 

I hate to say it, but I see misery and resentment in your future, if you have him move in. Save the precious friendship and set him free to find himself and learn to care for himself. If he ultimately does make peace with his sexuality, etc., in a way that shakes out that he does want sex with you, then you can give it another go together at that point. But as it stands now, he seems to be relating to you as a supportive confident/sugar mama. I can see him sinking further in to confusion and dragging you down with him. Apply your strength to doing what you know is right for both of you.

 

Good luck.