Do I have to get over him, be emotionally available again, before I can start dating?

[Beach Gurl]

New Here ... so glad I found this at this difficult time of my life.

By way of introduction I am a divorced mom with one daughter (2 1/2 yrs old).

 

Have found quite a few pieces of advice or quotes that have rocked me to my core.

 

I have been the other woman for 2 years now. And yes, agree that my story could also be typed from a template so I won't even bore you with the details.

 

He has basically stated (although not in as many words) that he cannot leave his wife & family due to financial and support issues (the kids being the biggest pawns in his game).

 

Events of the last few days, which included my Married Lover bursting into my home and slapping a male friend through the face as he felt there was more going on than just coffee (although not true), have led me to try and DO THE RIGHT THING once and for all and END IT.

I have made it clear over the last 3 months that my life is moving on, but must admit I am guilty of not making a clean break. As much as he is guilty of wanting his cake and eating it too, so am I. I am scared I will never find another man who "rocks my world" like he does, in every way. The chemistry is unbelievable, the laughter, the companionship etc ... nothing different from all the other stories hey?!

 

Have browsed a bit, and no-one seems to raise the issue of "Is He Still Having Sex With His Wife?" ... this was (and still is) to me one of THE BIGGEST issues. I do not believe that two people sleeping in the same bed and going through the motions of day-to-day existence do not somehow become intimate. He claims it has not happened in well over 3 months.

And although mentally I am trying to make the break now, my mind keeps on wandering back to it. "It's just a matter of time" I say to myself, before they re-comsummate the marriage so to speak.

 

I am trying so hard not to contact him, yet hate him for not contacting me or trying to visit me just so I can turn him away. Screwed up I am!

 

It is very difficult, we work in the same office and while it is now holidays and I do not have to see him, January is just around the corner.

 

But, at the end of it all, the question I am grappling with is this:

Do I have to get over him, be emotionally available again, before I can start dating other men?

 

My reason for asking is simple, I have tried dating other men (no sex) and just end up feeling disappointed, panicky and emotionally numb. I know that part of it is because my Married Man has spied on me before, and become intensely jealous when I have gone out with other men, hence the feeling of being scared, wary, uncomfortable.

 

I guess I am trying to get to a point where HE LETS GO so I can go on with my life.

[Kat]

Do you miss him, or the kind of man he was? Do you hate him? or the man he was? Do you want him, or someone with the same features?

 

While yes, you can date and have that help you get over him, it usually helps if you are over the individual before dating (that is if you want it to be anything serious).

 

Note that that doesn't mean that you are over the relationship, or the things that happened, but that you are over him as a person

[Beach Gurl]

I definitely miss HIM, not the concept.

 

I have been living on my own, pretty much doing my own thing, going to functions, parties on my own so its not a co-dependency issue.

I suspect it is for him though. He says things like "I cannot imagine life without you".

I have never imagined that I cannot go on without him. I know I can. I survived being cheated on by my husband of 5 years, so this pretty much pales in comparison. But it is still difficult as he was a truly good friend along with everything else.

 

Tend to think being over him is the way to go, as I am looking for a serious relationship.

[DerangedAngel]

I don't really have a heck-uv-alot of advice for you here, but I'll send you my 2-cents anyway. Also, be warned, as some other posters are gonna jump you, seeing as you're "the other woman". Kidding aside, they will be giving you great advice!

 

But, at the end of it all, the question I am grappling with is this:

Do I have to get over him, be emotionally available again, before I can start dating other men?

 

Answering in one word, I would say: no. Details are needed as to why I think this, I suppose. If you have been involved with him for 2 years now, the feelings aren't just gonna go away in a couple of weeks, or a couple of months - so you can date again without thinking of him. I definitely do think you should start dating other guys, a bunch of them. Get out there and have some fun to make all this easier on you now. But, you will still remember "Married Man". And I'm sure you will miss him. It will fade with time, and hopefully you will find some one who ROCKS YOUR WORD equally, or even more so.

 

I know that part of it is because my Married Man has spied on me before, and become intensely jealous when I have gone out with other men, hence the feeling of being scared, wary, uncomfortable.

 

I guess I am trying to get to a point where HE LETS GO so I can go on with my life.

 

This, along with him coming in your home and 'slapping' a male friend of yours would have me worried. If you haven't already made it crystal clear that its over, you need to do so. And he should respect you enough to leave you to your own life.

 

Good luck!

 

-Deranged

[Kat]

There is no rule that says you have to lose him as a close friend. I would suggest to start to date (as much as you can with a 2 yr old ) and just have fun. Don't act deseperate, or even feel as if you really need a boyfriend. You either have two options then. Talk to him as a friend about what you are doing, or leave himn out of that loop.

 

I would suggest being open and honest with him. Tell him you are dating, tell him you want a man who can stay the night, be there for you and your child, and that doesnt have to hide anything (but not in a way that makes him feel guilty or that you are rubbing it in face).

 

Keep him as a friend if you want him as a friend. Breaking off a relationship doesn't mean you have to end everything (the amount of ex's my partner has as friends, I should know )

 

Good luck and remember. You have a beautiful child, anything else is just icing

[Beach Gurl]

Hi Kat

 

Have tried the friendly route, it doesnt work, it just leaves me wide open to verbal abuse, spying, lots of questioning.

 

I would like to remain friends, but do realise it will take time, from both sides. As much as I am ending it, I am also envious/jealous that he will eventually be happy with his wife.

 

 

I would suggest to start to date (as much as you can with a 2 yr old ) and just have fun. Don't act deseperate, or even feel as if you really need a boyfriend

 

Well, well, in my experience the men I meet are NOT commitment-phobic, in fact it is scary how quickly they start to talk about things like weekends away, living together etc. But that is another story for another forum ...

 

I am not desperate, in fact like my time and space - probably the reason this went on for 2 years as it suited me as much as it suited him.

 

Thank you for your advice.

[DerangedAngel]

Hmmm...

 

I survived being cheated on by my husband of 5 years, so this pretty much pales in comparison.

 

Your husband of 5 years cheats on you, pretty much breaks your heart I imagine... and then you begin a relationship with a married man? *scratch, scratch*

[Beach Gurl]

DerangedAngel ... agreed, my name should be something along the lines of INSANE GURL.

 

Have (had) lots of self-esteem issues, and along came this georgeous man that told me what I wanted to hear. OK, that sounds a bit cynical, but if he was always attracted to me (as claimed by him) why didnt he make his move sooner (known him for 4 years)?

 

He does love me, just not enough, or he is lying about his situation at home.

 

I know ALL THESE THINGS ... I just need to be emotionally strong enough to make things right and my life hopefully will fall into place.

[Kat]

All I can say is as much as you hear bad things about his wife (from my experience, and no not first hand, the other woman always hears the bad things about her) you were that wife, and you got hurt. Remember that

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by Beach Gurl

 

Have tried the friendly route, it doesnt work, it just leaves me wide open to verbal abuse, spying, lots of questioning.

 

 

I know this wasn't your question but... if this guy were single, the spying, verbal abuse, slapping of a friend, would be huge red flags to end it. Since he is married, they are collosal red flags! He's married - sleeping with his wife (he hasn't been intimate with her in 3 months, but you've been with him for 2 years!), and he's spying on YOU and waltzing into your place as if it's his and slapping an innocent party? I find it hard to believe you would even speak to him after that stunt. I hope you don't think that those actions demonstrate love? they demonstrate obsession. Read up on stalking and how that can terrorize someone.

 

As far as your actual question is concerned, everyone is different. You may need to spend some time alone and get over this guy before you date, if you're going to be comparing everyone to him. I tend to be like a cat when I'm hurt - I crawl into a space (my house) and spend a lot of time alone taking care of myself, reading, healing, doing what I want to do, spending time with friends when I feel up to it, and basically licking my wounds, before I come out and deal stressful things, such as dating.

[HokeyReligions]

Ditto FreeMe. Cease all contact with him. If you work together find a way to avoid him - move to a different department or something.

 

If he is your child's father get an attorney and get some child support. I would talk to the attorney also about his bursting in and assaulting someone in your home -- you may have grounds for a restraining order.

 

If he's been lying to his wife all this time, don't you think he's been lying to you too! ?

 

Date when you feel ready to date.