JustBeinBlonde Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 I've been married for a decade now and jealousy is a thing of the past, hubby and I are both very easy going in this area. But when I first got married I couldn't stand to see anything "she" the ex fiance, gave him in MY house. A few months after we were married it just so happened that I accidentally slipped his favorite hockey shirt, a hat and a few other momentos "she" had given him in with a box going to Goodwill. Oops, then I feigned innocently that I hadn't a clue where they had gone. I now have a friend in a similar situation. The man she loves has "gifts," from many previous "friends," all female. They're not married yet, but it really bothers her. My question is this, if and when should you approach your significant other about this? I know I was bad, has anyone else ever done that. Is it right to ask him to toss a certain gift or should she do away with it quietly? Any advice or experiences will help. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Luckily for me, my boyfriend has already ditched everything from the X's without any help or pushing from me. But, if he hadn't, I would have talked to him about it, telling him that it might be silly, but it upset me for him to have things 'she' had given him around the house. Of course, I would only have this talk with him after I had thrown out anything I had been given by an ex boyfriend. Anyways, if he thought I was being ridiculous and insisted on keeping those things, he would have probably noticed they were "missing" pretty soon. But I'm bad. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 My partner has things he got from his ex partners. He has an air horn in his car from he most recent ex which he loves. He loves the gift, not the fact that SHE gave it to him. Things like cards and photo's maybe, but remember, as hard as it is, that he had a past just as much as you did. The other week I was looking through old photos and I came across a picture of my partner and his ex (they were going out at the time). He was kissing her cheek and I just kind of went 'aww isn't that nice' and kept flicking. God knows I am not the one to preach that the past is in the past, cause I have issues just like everyone else, but if it is something you as his current partner knows he likes, why make him get rid of it?? If he likes it, I doubt he thinks about how she gave it to him and how nice she is. He has a toy and he likes it. Fullstop. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 I am of the opinion that people are entitled to their memories. Everything in their past has contributed to make them who they are today and there is absolutely nothing wrong in remembering the past fondly. So many people seem worried that somehow their partners will prefer the memories of the past over the future they are building. I just don't get that! I don't think they should keep old photos on the walls or anything, but let them keep them neatly stowed away out of sight. They are entitled to their lives, aren't they? Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 moimeme can always make me feel guilty for my ::evil:: thoughts lol -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme So many people seem worried that somehow their partners will prefer the memories of the past over the future they are building. I just don't get that! I don't think they should keep old photos on the walls or anything, but let them keep them neatly stowed away out of sight. They are entitled to their lives, aren't they? When you feel the wrath of this, then get back to me. Ever considered some people feel this way for a reason. Just because you haven't been burnt like others (in that way) doesn't mean their feelings are any less 'normal' Link to post Share on other sites
IvyPrincess Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Well, it is very easy to say that past is in the past and we should just accept it. But sometimes it is rather difficult to do... As much as I would love to accept my boyfriend's past relationships, they do bother me. And little gifts from his ex remind me of the fact that he was in love with someone else before he met me... However, I do not think it is fair to ask someone to get rid of the gifts. Even if gifts do remind him of his ex, maybe he keeps them just like he might keep his old clothes from high school. It seems that many men like to save everything (old shoes, receipts, etc.) so gifts from his ex might be just like that. Perhaps by asking him to get rid of gifts from his ex you are asking him to erase memories of the past, and that does not seem to be fair. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 moimeme can always make me feel guilty for my ::evil:: thoughts Not evil. Read good ol' Dr. Albert Ellis. He's got some good strategies for overcoming insecurities - and this is one. Ever considered some people feel this way for a reason. Just because you haven't been burnt like others (in that way) doesn't mean their feelings are any less 'normal' I said nothing about it not being normal whatsoever. There is no defiition of 'normal'. It is very common, but not all that healthy. People should not feel they can dictate others' behaviour or thoughts. If the reason for your worrying over your partner keeping memories is that you think he'll cherish them more than you, and that reason is not the case, then how is it fair to demand he behave according to your wishes? I have huge amounts of empathy for people who are insecure, and if somebody would only give me the magic wand to heal them, I'd do it in a millisecond, but I don't think it helps to feed into their insecurities. I think that they need support in learning to overcome the insecurities and the unrealistic beliefs that often lead to them. IMHO, for him to destroy his memories would simply confirm the idea that they were cherished more than you and so properly should be destroyed. If that's not the case (and it isn't) then to proceed with destroying them seems extremely unfair. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Ever watch that TV show Clean Sweep? They have to convince homeowners to get rid of old mementos. The memory is still there in the mind - just the material object is gone. Unless its something useful like tools or something - then why keep it? The memory isn't going to fly out of his head when the object hits the trash can. I used to keep little gifts when I was dating. When I got engaged I threw it all out. An object might remind me of a special place or something happy, but it reminds my spouse that I shared things with others. Its not new information, yes we all have pasts that made us what we are now - but the object isn't the past. So why keep objects around that will remind of us different things when we look at them and may hurt the feelings of the one you love. Its not all about insecurity. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 then why keep it? The memory isn't going to fly out of his head when the object hits the trash can. Because memories do fail. I keep mine figuring that if my own memory ever goes, I'll still have the mementoes to remind me Periodically, I'll go through journal entries and other stuff I wrote years ago. It really helps me to re-examine the ways I felt, the insights I got then, and all I learned - even more so in the light of what I know now. This includes looking at memories of past relationships. They are gone, over with, and not mourned for or wished back but they taught me valuable life lessons which, sometimes, have been forgotten and that I've needed to remember or relearn. I think the insecurity of the partner comes from the fear that s/he can never measure up to the idealized past partners - but I'll wager very few cherish longings for partners of old. What's past is past. It's of value in that it went into building your character, but that doesn't mean you want it back. In fact, some of the memories I keep are the ones which remind me why the relationships were bad and not good for me!!!!!!!!! They are an antidote to any possible wistful longings, should for some reason my brain go funny and I start thinking that way Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 justbeinblonde, i agree partners have the right to their memories. it's the question of display that has sometimes irked me. for decor purposes, i dislike clutter - it makes me claustrophobic to enter a house with gunk on every wall and photos of every person that person has ever known on the wall - it's weird, it feels to me like they are trying to prove they knew other humans, in case the alien council calls, or something. in any event, i consider it none of my business unless we're living together and it is made my business by occupying my visual environment. still, i would not insist on it, just explain how i feel and hope he understood. my now guy hates me keeping my ex'es paintings on the wall, so i took them down. onwards - i can always find new art but a man this great would be hard to find at a flea market Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 A guy who had a crush on me in high school had my cousin make a key chain for me. It said "Remember me always" ....and on the back, "Love, Tony" "Tony" and I later dated. Now, I'm married to someone else, but I kept that key chain (not on my keys, of course) but it just seems to precious to throw out. I know it's a gift from another man and not my husband, but I can't bear to part with it...I even felt it precious before Tony and I ever dated (five years after he gave it to me). I started to throw it out several times (and I've never showed it to my husband) but I just can't! I don't even think of Tony when I look at it, I just remember how special I felt when he gave it to me. Maybe that's why I keep it...hmmm. Needless to say, I would feel very insecure if I knew that my husband had something like that he kept. Go figure. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted December 31, 2003 Share Posted December 31, 2003 My perspective has changed since I was first married. I didn't like my husband having any mementos but I was only 18 and his "love affairs" weren't that mature in nature so looking back, I wished I'd allowed him to keep them and that I kept mine (he didn't like my having any mementos from former boyfriends either). Now when we get older and have very passionate love affairs, the mementos can mean alot more (than say an identity bracelet! LOL!!) so I think if I were in my mid-twenties dating a guy that had mementos from a person he was engaged to or madly in love with then I'd be even more inclined to want to do away with the mementos...but now here's something I've wondered if y'all have thought about...Why tell them about the mementos?? Do you have to hold each one up and tell the story behind it? I mean it's obvious if they are personalized but you don't have to tell your sweetie that the purple monkey was from your former bf......ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
DivaGirl Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Eight years ago I was in a relationship with someone I really loved. He gave me HIS leatherbound edition of <u>The Lord of the Rings</u>, which I absoluely love and still look upon with fondness. If my current boyfriend ever accidentally "lost" it, I would be furious with him. Not only is that my property, not his, but I see it as a very selfish and juvenile act. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFaithfulWife Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 I would be inclined to let my husband keep things from old girlfriends and not worry about them at all. If the relationship was before you were married or dating it is part of who he is now, BUT if my husband wanted to keep a momento from the @#$% he slept with during our marriage, then I would have to justify not only getting rid of the momento but also getting rid of him as well! The FaithfulWife Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 My partner has about 8 albums full of pictures and most of them are of him and his ex girlfriend. However they were taken when he went to visit her while she was in Japan and he keeps them because he loves Japan. It still feels strange knowing he has them, and that there are so many of them as a 'couple', but I understand that he keeps them for the place he went, not who he went with. I still have issues about things and this used to be one of them. Today I am not happy with him keeping them, but I understand it isn't to hold onto her. So I have come to accept it. There are worse things to worry about and think of, than old memories. I would worried about actions and words, rather than things Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Well look, speaking as one overcoming jealousy, I know where the worry comes from and can understand. Speaking as one who is feeling better, I have to say, let people keep their memories, just be tactful about where they are stored. My partner and I still have old pics etc from our exes, but we each have them stored at our respective parent's places...out of our home, where they could cause trouble or insecurity etc. We just keep OUR photos/love letters etc stored in our home. Link to post Share on other sites
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