HurtinginVA Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Well, me and hubby had, in my humble opinion, a GOOD talk last night. I told him that I needed to know some more details about his affair, because it was like he had this huge secret and married people arent supposed to have secrets.......well, secrets like that anyways. He only got as far as the first day, how they met etc... before I had to tell him to stop.....am I weak maybe? It just hurts too bad to hear it right now and to hear him say what was going through his mind.....somewhere along the lines of "I dont care what SHE(me) thinks, screw her yadda yadda yadda".......It sounds worse, I think, than it is, considering the past 6 years of ups and downs...... We started talking about "us" again......and one thing he said really got to me."If it had been you that cheated, I couldnt do what youre doing, I would not want to work things out" I asked him why and he said because it would have hurt him to the core, too badly......am I wrong for wanting to work things out? Or does it just mean I am a stronger person than him? We figured that a lot of our marital issues stem from trust, or lack there of. Ive never been a very trusting person (ugh gotta love those great childhoods LOL) It's almost like my lack of trust drove our relationship to this point. BEFORE you guys get all freaked out, I know and he acknowledged that the actual affair was nothing more than wrong choices he made, but myself, not saying this to him, I feel like I pushed him in that direction. He's willing to do what I need him to do to regain my trust, and I have to learn how to give him complete trust. Whew!! Not gonna be easy! Any suggestions? I dont want to talk the issue to death, but I know communication is a big key, but communicate about what exactly? I laid down a few boundaries last night and judging from his reaction they were more than acceptable... 1. Absolutely no sleeping with anyone 2. No kissing, making out, exclusive hanging out or basically emotional relationship with another woman. 3. Include me more in "going out" 4. Dont avoid telling me what youre doing just because you think I will get mad. Its a start right? Lemme stop writing my book now LOL But seriously, I WANT so badly to trust him and to make things good between us. He's willing as well. Where do we go from here? I have an appointment for counseling on 01-14 for myself, but I havent told him yet, I want to ask him to go with, but Im scared he wont, and then thinking maybe I should just go by myself, but then trust issues should kinda be worked out together.......or am I wrong?? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 First of all Vixen, lack of trust does not push anyone into having an affair. So get those self-blaming thoughts out of your head right now! Obviously, you had good intuitions about his character and his propensity towards cheating. There must have been some situations with him in the past which caused you to remain on guard…And it seems you were right on the mark. Second, you absolutely do not owe him unconditional trust at this point. He must take drastic steps to earn it gradually over time. He was the deal-breaker, not you. And earning back trust will require a whole lot more than just “talk.” It won’t do you any good if he’s just telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Not only must he come clean about all his past secrets, but he must remain absolutely transparent and honest with you from this point on. NO MORE LIES. NO MORE SECRETES. He must also go to great lengths to prove to you that he has cut all ties with this woman, even if it requires giving you access to his email accounts and cell phone records. Yes—It sounds drastic. It will be as if he’s on parole and he may not like it. But if he’s truly sincere about coming clean and saving your marriage, then he must do whatever it takes to ease your mind and remove your suspicions. If he’s reluctant to give up his privacy and open his life up entirely to you, then you still have problems. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html Meanwhile, I support you whole-heartedly in your decision to give your marriage a second chance. Although, like your husband, I don’t think I would have the strength to do that myself if in a similar situation. Perhaps its my incapacity to forgive certain things, or maybe I’m just too independent and proud to accept this kind of mistreatment. It’s funny, but my partner and I have had the same conversation several times. While I have never cheated myself, I told him that the ONLY way I might even consider forgiving someone for this kind of betrayal is if it happened at the beginning of the relationship and that person came clean and was honest about it. But even then, I would have to give it much thought and consideration. It would depend on how it happened, when it happened, and most of all ‘why.’ However, if someone held onto that secret for many years, and THEN I found out on my own, there would be no chance for reconciliation. For me, a lie is a lie even if its unspoken. And the longer you hold onto that lie, the bigger it gets. On the other hand, my partner, like your husband, said he could NEVER forgive someone for cheating on him, although he has been both the cheater AND “the other man” in the past when he was younger. And like you, I still find that so ironic. But I believe (and hold onto the hope) that some people can learn from their mistakes and change. But I think you have to have an intrinsic sense about people and human behavior--- almost a heightened awareness when it comes to personality types in order to distinguish the difference between those who can change and those who want to, but can’t. And even then, you may still run into one devious enough to fool you. Let’s hope your husband isn’t one of them… Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 am I wrong for wanting to work things out? Or does it just mean I am a stronger person than him? I remember reading that married men whose wives cheat are more likely to end the marriage. Men are perhaps more sensitive to the sexual rejection possibly implicit in the cheating. Guys are so insecure. I believe you are making a great beginning. Nor are you misguided in wanting to save your marriage. People are different and you are willing to subordinate your ego for your marriage. That's a good thing especially if children are involved. But it's your choice. Keep an eye on your husband. Make certain the affair is actually over, and just not on hiatus. And no one else is waiting in the wings... Finally, you are not to blame for your husband's betrayal. Studies indicate that even men in happy marriages cheat. Heal your marriage and watch your husband like a hawk. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 I have an appointment for counseling on 01-14 for myself, but I havent told him yet, I want to ask him to go with, but Im scared he wont, and then thinking maybe I should just go by myself, but then trust issues should kinda be worked out together.......or am I wrong?? The others have said what I would have, but I want to address this one point. First, go by yourself. If/when you get to a point where the counselor would like him to attend then you can ask him - but you need the counseling alone first. Second, don't keep it from him that you are going to counseling. You need to be open and communicate and you have made a start by talking with him, but you are keeping something important from him. If you demand honesty from him then you have to be honest too. Set an example. All you have to tell him is that you have an appointment for counseling for yourself because you need help in dealing with your own emotions about all of this. Third, trust issues need to be worked out alone and together. Start with yourself -- I'm reiterating my first statement here. You are not wrong in thinking they need to be worked out together - but one step at a time and your first step should be taking care of your emotional needs in handling this. Rebuilding trust is going to take time. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Studies indicate that even men in happy marriages cheat. Interesting. Perhaps the study had an unorthodox definition of the word "happy" or "marriage?" It would seem to me either would be an oxymoron given the context of "cheating." My guess is the study may have been done in a language other than English, and there's something lost in translating, say Tahitian? This would explain the Mutiny on the Bounty and why the French quickly colonized the island. But, I digress...... At any rate, it is not inconceivable that men having sex outside marriage wouldn't have the consent (even encouragement!) of their wife (wives?). But this wouldn't really be cheating, would it? Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Check out this link re Dr. Glass's belief that a happy marriage does not necessarily prevent an affair: http://www.shirleyglass.com/people.htm Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Check out this link re Dr. Glass's belief that a happy marriage does not necessarily prevent an affair: One person's theory does not make a general truth. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 One person's theory does not make a general truth. No one was speaking of a "general truth." Dr. Glass is a respected scholar in her field. If you disagree with her hypotheses, disprove them. That should not be too difficult for you. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 I'm sure others will and have done so. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Similarly, although cheating was related to relative marital dissatisfaction for both males and females, women who had engaged in it indicated less satisfaction with their marriages compared to men with such experiences. More than half the men who had engaged in extramarital sex rated their marriage as "happy" or "very happy," compared to about one-third of women who had. Apparently, for men, such actions are related less to marital dissatisfaction and emotional involvement with the sexual partner, and men may be more likely than women to separate sex from love when it comes to extramarital involvement. http://www.findarticles.com/cf_dls/m1272/2650_128/55149355/p3/article.jhtml?term= Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 UHGgggg So, it begins! Enough already, you two don't have to take long warm showers together! Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 you two don't have to take long warm showers together! I'm sure I'm the last person on this planet with whom m would want to take a "long warm shower." Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 you two don't have to take long warm showers together! Huh? Is this like a Dr. Phil-ism like 'that dog won't run' or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 31, 2003 Share Posted December 31, 2003 Hurting, I'm SO GLAD to hear everything seems to be turning around in your marriage! I know you guys still have a ways to go to patch up everything which was lost due to the affair. Even in the beginning though, I always thought your situation was different since he never really had a chance to go out and 'date' other people....but I doubted he would want to leave the only home he really knows. Counseling is a good idea. Ultimately though, I think it will be the great love and grace you have shown him which will get your marriage back on track. I really admire you for supporting him thru this, rather than beating him over the head with it. You did a great job J.!!!!! I've enjoyed PM'ing with you and LOVE YOUR PIC!!!! Your friend, Arabess Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts