Trust betrayed: My boyfriend read my posts on this site despite me asking him not to

[Samson]

Ok, Vixen here's to not "beating you up."

 

I've done something of the same thing, but never explicitly warned "anyone" about the site, and my posts, or my screen name, but did save a thread URL in my "Favorites" file. Perhaps I was just being lazy, not wanting to remember and drill back to the thread. At any rate it was found, and this thread involved the person in question. While it didn't contain derogatory remarks, it did contain a brutally candid opinion about our relationship that I had not been able to express in a more delicate way.

 

My point being, I wonder if some part of myself really wanted them to go to the thread. It's enough to make me, a skeptic when it has come to psycho-babble about the power of the unconscious mind begin to wonder: Perhaps there's something to it?

 

The story, perhaps like your own, might have a happy ending, since it has lead to marriage counseling. My opinion of this is the subject for another thread.

 

Perhaps under a new User name!

[lostforwords]

no one hates you here vixen no one is mistreating you.... i assume when you came on asking for advice you want to hear the TRUTH..... its unfortunate you didnt specify in your original post with these words "Please refrain from hurting my feelings by telling me the truth, if you could just agree and validate to me that what i did was indeed for the best of our relationship and that i did not treat him badly but rather he violated my trust" ..... my guess is if you had requested that in your original no one would have posted. And the only point i see your making by posting your IM conversation is that your friend feels the same way about what you did as we did. ?????? im not sure what your intention was when you posted your IM conversation. But i guess its showing and hopefully validating further what we have been telling you. accept it or not, its the truth. unfortunately you get what you asked for. hope everything works out for you......

[vixen]

i guess i just wanted you all to see how beaten up i am about this subject. but i must remember this one episode of Fillmore, (a great cartoon) where Fillmore is tipped off that a few students plan on stealing the answers to a hard math test, when Filmore tells the teacher this, she announces to the whole class that the test answers will be in her top draw unlocked and unguarded, for all to see. Fillmore is shocked, but the teacher says she believes in the good of people, that they wont pry, she believes in trust and honor, and that was the codes she was brought up on. I guess my trust was simply misplaced with my coworker. I trusted him not to pry, and yes i suppose i did bait him, for reasons i don't even understand, but i still have a right to be pissed that he betrayed my trust. I don't see how i don't' have that right. Someone mentioned a diary being left open on a bed, and the person announcing they would leave the room. I would not read that diary, i would stare at the wall till the person came back, no matter how many hours it would take, or I'd leave the room and close the door behind me, but i know for a fact i would not pry. And I'm sad to see so many people admit that they would, sure they are being honest, but i wouldn't and that's the honest truth, i swear it on my very soul. I trust people to do what's right, and i trusted him to keep his word that he would not go to this site. So i can't agree with those who say i shouldn't have told him about the site. I can agree that i should have told him about the other two men earlier, but i insist i had no proper opportunity, and i belive in doing things through and proper. It ended up that my morals for such said thing got in the way this time, but i would do it again if need be. There can be only one way to properly introduce someone to this sort of thing, Face to face. It's only the most respectful thing possible. Had i the chance to see him sooner, to tell him sooner then sooner it would have been. But that chance did not arrive. Can't anyone understand that?

 

And another thing I simply must address. This thing about my coworker liking me for purely sexual fantasy reasons, has got to stop here and now. It's an insult to him, he is not some base animal that is driven by his penis, he is an intelligent man, who thinks things out thoroughly, and often even over analyzes things. You can insult me all you please, but i must insist you don't insult him. That's just low. That's what angers me, mock mimic, degrade me all you like, no skin off my nose, but he's done nothing wrong to anyone, (save a few minor things to me) and he does not deserve any sort of ridicule. Understand me??????

[moimeme]

Vixen -

 

Everybody, including your IM pal, says you were not 'betrayed'.

 

As for being insulted over the coworker and his relationship, we can all fall into the trap of being shanghaied by our hormones - intelligence has NOTHING to do with it. Go read up on oxytocin sometime.

[vixen]

Mr X,

If you are reading this, you should realize that vixen is damaged goods. There is no future with her, and she is only wasting your time. Don’t confuse an erotic sexual fantasy with love, and don’t become her pet.

Opening you up. Maybe she is domesticating you.

 

no one hates you here vixen no one is mistreating you....

 

So what you are saying is that i am damged goods and i should just except it? That's not being mistreated?

 

i assume when you came on asking for advice you want to hear the TRUTH.....

 

2. i'm glad you understand that your assessment of one of your ostensible groupie's characters is limited by your insecure conceit.

 

this isn't judgmental, or hurtful, this is simple trueth??

 

I think your angst and bitterness is a kind of infection, and you are trying to spread it to these guys. You should try to cure it instead.

 

I finaly find someone who reminds me why i like people, and all of a sudden im bitter with angst, no it's more like confused with emotions. thanks for the face value serch.

 

 

 

You fed your lab rat the pellets and led him thru the maze.

 

No one is my lab rat, could it accure to you people i have a need to make people feel good about themselves when there the type to degrade themselves on a daily basis? I don't know why i am always drawn to week charichter males, i just am. They so no good in themselves and i only learn this when i take genuin intrest in them they go "why me?" I go because your fun to be around. "they sit in dumb founded silence and i end up going "here i go again" Trust me it's invigorateing when i fall for someone with alot of self confidence, but that seems to be rare. Don't ask me why, i couldn't tell you, i feel like i'm doomed to fall for these type of men.

 

aack - that sucks he invaded your privacy!!! arggh!

 

i thought you had said, however, that all your respective gents already knew about one another because that made your multi-relationships ethical and therefore celebratory? in which case there would not be a problem with what he read.

 

here we go:

 

quote:

As for the multiple guys thing, i tell them i am seeing other guys because i feel it is respectful to them to let them know i don't want to date anyone exclusively. They then make the decision, stay and make a bid for me, or decide to much work and settle to be friends. I don't think it warrants any mind games since i hate mind games and don't play them. I'm striate forward with everyone i know

 

 

 

and you confirmed that you told all of them in the multiplier XD thread, as well. i think multi-relationships are terrific and healthy, so long as they are straight up. and, if you're going to lie to them, at least be straight up about that.

 

Correct me if i'm wrong but wasn't this post pre-coworker? So all 4 gents in my life would indeed have known about each other. The coworker issue is less then 2 weeks old. Yes it's down to 3 peeps in my life now too.

 

This seems so arrogant! Are you a licensed counselor? Did you believe that there would be no future for him without your help? There will be a woman that will come along in his life and fall in love with him and won't tease him and try to "fix" him. Will he trust her after you? You say you are friends, but you don't want to scare him off. Scare him off of what? YOU needed to show him about dates--why? For his benefit or your own?

 

yes actualy i did believe he had no futur. He's 30, and has never had a date in his life. Never. Addmittedly so to me. Wouldn't you think that a bit sad? in both respects of the word, as in deppressing makes you want to cry, and as in a sort of pathetic thing? I sure hope some woman comes along in falls in love with him, how do you know it wont be me?? It might verry well be who knows, if it's not, then atleast he will know what to do when it does happen and he wont let it pass him bye like all the other opportunities he's addmitted to me that he's let slip through his fingers. I need to show him about dates because i think it would be good for him, and also because i want to spend time with him so i too nead him. So what if i nead him, so what if he neads me, what's the big deal anyway. When all is said and done, he and I will have experianced something more in life. How can that be a bad thing??? I ask you??

 

That probably taught him more than anything else you 'intended' to teach him

 

what about my divorce with adam, or my relationship with jon?? i could tell him those things on my own terms, but no, he read them here. on this board. verry personal private hardships i went through, and he got them secound hand from some echo of my pain. Is that how i wanted him to learn of what i've been through?? No, i'd say not. Those were my stories to tell him as i say fit, and he took them for himself. did you ever stop to think of that??? It's not just about him in here, or the other two, it's about me period. and all i've been through. all the pain hurt and tormiol i didn''t want to share, i didn't want him to feel bad for me. is that ok?? sheesh

 

So did i cover it all, your True critiques. i'm not even going to spell check this one. Why bother. So yeah, i feel a bit put upon, and misjudged. Like i'm some sort of cruel mind melding dominatrix. Try scared woman, who's just trying to figure out why she's so infatuated with this guy. HUH?? why not try that on!!!??!?!?!?!

[jenny]

mmm. i'll take your word for it on the co-worker time frame - my mistake. sorry!

 

i'm also sorry i was harsh. i'm frustrated only because i have seen this play out from the other end, and i feel manipulated as an audience. i expect you wanted praise, but i don't know why.

[moimeme]

Vixen

 

All you had to do to 'protect' yourself from him reading your stuff was to NOT give him the name of the board. There are a bazillion boards on the Web. He'd never have found it if you hadn't told him, now would he?

 

am always drawn to week charichter males

 

Well there's a touching evaluation of these fellows. Do you realize how much contempt and condescension you sound as though you have for these men? If you actually think the way you sound, you may need to get over yourself in a big way. I'm hoping it's just that you're not very good at expressive language because otherwise, I'd be aghast.

[vixen]

i am not good at expressive languedge, i have no better word for it. I like the guys i am seeing very very much, they are all fun to be with, talk to, i just think there great. But well MIT doesnt see why any woman would look his way. Army guy hets put upon by girls all the time, and coworker never has the cahones to approach someone he likes. cant you see an odd simularity, or is it just me??? I think there all really great, fun intelligent funny, just all around awesome, hell i dont know why they like me so much, they act like ther honored when really it should be me who is honored to get there attention. I don't know how i keep comeing off as i dont know egotistical? you all know i dont like love, it's painful, but i do like to have fun, so why not just have fun?? is there something wrong with that, can't i just enjoy there company. I dont get it? this dateing thing has been around for eons yet everyone acts like i'm pionering something new. (i couldn't care less about spelling right now) I mean sheesh, i just want to hang out with some faboulus guys who for some really odd reason i cant understand, always have other woman turn there noses up at them. maybe they are lieing and woman flock to them by the droves and they are just playing me for a sucker. XD but in all honesty i trust them when they say girls dont dig them, but i cant see why not, they are each in there own way totally terrific guys. sigh, that's what i think anyway. so i see it as i always end up attracked to men who claim they are underdogs. I didn't say it about them, they did. not me, i would not put them down i am repeating said statements. that's all. I guess it would come off like i said it huh? but it's just a quoat, nothing more.

[Errol]

yes actualy i did believe he had no futur. He's 30, and has never had a date in his life. Never. Addmittedly so to me. Wouldn't you think that a bit sad? in both respects of the word, as in deppressing makes you want to cry, and as in a sort of pathetic thing? I sure hope some woman comes along in falls in love with him, how do you know it wont be me?? It might verry well be who knows, if it's not, then atleast he will know what to do when it does happen and he wont let it pass him bye like all the other opportunities he's addmitted to me that he's let slip through his fingers. I need to show him about dates because i think it would be good for him, and also because i want to spend time with him so i too nead him. So what if i nead him, so what if he neads me, what's the big deal anyway. When all is said and done, he and I will have experianced something more in life. How can that be a bad thing??? I ask you??

 

Just because YOU believed he had no future does not mean that you are right. Now you are talking about needing each other. You "need" to show him about dates! He's 30 years old, working, you claim he is smart -- I'm sure he knows about dates! And because YOU think it would be good for him. Maybe because I am an adult, but I don't appreciate people trying to tell me what they think is good for me. I appreciate options and suggestions, but to have someone try to have a relationship with me because THEY think it would be good for me is beyond arrogant and I wouldn't tolerate it nor would I presume to tell anyone else what I thought was good for them relationship-wise. I would give opinions, suggestions, or amateur analysis ONLY WHEN ASKED SPECIFICALLY.

 

So what if he's never had a date and is 30 -- that would send big red flags up for me! If that was not a line and is true then, yeah, its sad -- but the choice was and is his. Either he didn't ask anyone out, or he didn't ask enough people out until he got a yes. It also makes it sound like you gave him a 'pity' date -- now THAT is really sad.

 

How do I know it won't be you that falls in love with him? Because YOU said so! YOU told him that there would be no relationship.

 

If you had opportunity to tell him all of these things then you had opportunity to tell him that you were dating others. No big deal as long as you are honest about it. Waiting for the right moment and then telling him that the information is out there on a public forum, but please don't look, is a tease.

 

You say you could ignore an open diary. But I'll bet you would be tempted to sneak a peek if it was written by someone you cared about, knew it was about you, and had the ominous warning "please don't look because its private" and I'll tell you later tossed at you. Sure there are some people who wouldn't look - but natural curiosity doesn't mean a person is dishonest. He promised and he didn't keep his promise, thats not nice - but under the circumstances its not that big a deal.

 

It seems from your recent posting with the conversation from Nicci that you have seen yourself and your actions from a different view and now perhaps wish that you had handled it a little differently. Well, welcome to the club -- we all learn from our mistakes and wish we could go back and change something. Now that you two are talking again maybe you can have an even better and more honest relationship/friendship with each other.

[katy_katt]

Sorry you're getting bashed so much here vixen, but they do have a point (even if some ppl go too far). When reading your post I feel sorry for the guy in more ways than one...and I wonder if he is reading this one, what does he think of you now that you've basically called him sad and pathetic?

 

What struck me as really odd in your first post was how you spent so much time bulding up this trust between you and him...BEFORE telling him "oh yeah, btw, I'm dating two other guys." You said you were up front and honest with him from the beginning. So would you have said "Remember how up front and honest I was by saying this relationship could go nowhere? What I also meant to say was 'because I'm dating two other guys." Sorry honey. For some guy who's never had a date in his life and possibly even falling hard for you...this would scare him off dating for another 30 years!

 

perhaps i was afraid he wouldnt want to just date, if he knew someone else was invovled and i dindt want to

 

Telling him from the beginning would've at least given him a choice before his emotions get involved...that has to happen before someone starts to trust someone else.

 

And about him looking at this board...everybody and their dog agrees: the best way to make sure he didn't look at it would be to just not mention it. Or even if you do mention by name, DON"T say "Oh don't go there, it's private!" I'm curious...how would he have even known what to look for unless you told him your handle or what you had posted about? I'm always aware of the fact that the person I am talking about might see when I'm posting...sometimes I just don't care.

[vixen]

just keep twisting every thing i say, oh yes it's so much fun.

[BlockHead]

vixen

I am not angry with you, but I am disappointed by your actions. I read several of your posts over the past few months, and I know that you were hurt in past relationships. I think those hurt feelings created something that is really ugly. How you deal with those feelings is your business, but try not to bring it onto others.

 

I was one of those suckers, and I know what it is like to be manipulated. In the end, you will leave them angry and bitter. People should not to be toyed with no matter how pitiful they may seem.

just keep twisting every thing i say, oh yes it's so much fun.

Sometimes it is not what you say but how you say it. For example, if I call you a mere human, then I seem to suggest that I’m somehow more than human. Maybe you aren’t very good at articulating yourself.

 

 

Mr. X,

Don’t confront her next time, and keep quiet about it. Think of this as warfare. If you tell your opponent where your spies are, they will disappear. Show her the holes, and she will plug them. If you are going to invest your time, money, and energy into something, you better know what you are dealing with. Play with fire and you will get burnt. Keep playing with fire, and you’ll lose all feeling because of your scars. Maybe there is hope with vixen, maybe not so you have to figure that out. You have limited time and energy before you die so try to make the most of it.

 

I am no expert in Transactional Analysis, but I think you could gain something from the book Games People Play by Eric Berne. That should give you more perspective on sex games, and games in general. At least you will know what to watch out for.

[Kat]

Originally posted by moimeme

Vixen -

Everybody, including your IM pal, says you were not 'betrayed'.

Speak for yourself. Not for me (reading the thread might help)

[jenny]

as an inappropriate side note: what does XD mean? is it the closing eyes tightly and laughing emoticon or something else entirely?

 

cheers! happy new year everybody!

[BlockHead]

what does XD mean?

He put out his eye, and now he is screaming in agony.

[monkey00]

bahdont blame yourself...it's not your fault, you tried your best, but in today's world...some ppl just cant be helped. or deserve to be the way that they are...ignorant as ever.

they are so ignorant in such a way that they arent open-minded to ideas and see you as trying to destroy them...those are the little evil ppl...shy guys piss me off sometimes, they 'think up stuff' and like to scheme things. whatever problems they may have, it builds up inside and makes them become more of a judger/thinker than a compromiser.

 

in this case, he brought it upon himself, so hey it's hiss loss not yours.

 

 

since he knows u post here, how about changing your name?

[somegilytosya]

i understand its alright and all that stuff, but what are you seeing 2 guys at the same time, even though you are not acutally dating either of them why do you see 2 guys at the same time then have sort number 3 floating around.

 

i am not a fan of seeing more then 1 person, even if its not dateing.

 

Then again i really dont know what you mean by seeing but still, i disagree.

[The Velvet Vixen]

You say you could ignore an open diary. But I'll bet you would be tempted to sneak a peek if it was written by someone you cared about, knew it was about you, and had the ominous warning "please don't look because its private"

 

Well...my BF has the link to my online diary. I didn't give it to him to tempt him, but just to show him some web pages I designed and banners I had made. I asked him not to read my diary, because I wouldn't feel comfortable writing certain things if I knew he was reading it. He knows I write about him in there, yet he's never peeked (although now he wishes he had not made that promise to me because he's really curious). I know for a fact that he hasn't snooped because I check my logs. He doesn't know enough about computers to know what an IP address is, and anyway, if he read it I'd be able to tell by his behavior. Not everyone is so lacking in self-control. If vixen's friend promised her that he would not look at her posts and then proceeded to do exactly that, then in going back on his word he proved himself dishonorable and untrustworthy. If he knew he didn't have the will to resist, then he should not have made such a promise to begin with. JHMO.

[jenny]

actually, something i read in another thread just struck a chord with me and shamed my response in this thread. (arabess's response to locogurl, check it out; it's brilliant.)

 

i think a lot of vixen's manipulation and grandiose 'helping' would be a lot more understandable if she was very, very, very, insecure, which i think she tried to foreground by mentioning how much she was neglected by jon and how painful his rejection of her was.

 

i think if i hadn't any guys after me for years, i might want quantity too, and i might fudge the truth slightly to make it appear as though i had it. lonely has got to be the most painful adjective...i also might lie to guys to get a sense of security in my own attractiveness. one of the things i remember about being very poor was how important it was to appear comfortably-off.

 

if this is the case, vixen, i owe you a HUGE apology. that's a tough place to be, and we're here to help you through it. if you drop the defenses of multi-guys, the 'i am changing them' aggression, and the 'i don't care about feelings,' communication will be a lot more expedient and productive.

 

y'know - people hurt; they make mistakes. i may have made a mistake in my response to you. if so - it's this easy: i'm sorry. because of issues of my own i was callow and harsh-quick with language, and i think it hurt you. it won't happen again.

 

see? that's how simple it would be to say this to one of your men, and more importantly, to yourself. the attitude you've got now will hurt you, i promise, it already is. and that sucks, when it could be so much better and well, realistic.

[Errol]

Well...my BF has the link to my online diary. I didn't give it to him to tempt him, but just to show him some web pages I designed and banners I had made. I asked him not to read my diary, because I wouldn't feel comfortable writing certain things if I knew he was reading it. He knows I write about him in there, yet he's never peeked (although now he wishes he had not made that promise to me because he's really curious).

This guy shes talking about is not an exclusive commitment. Hes just another guy she is dating. Totally different circumstances. Had they had a commitment to each other and were dating exclusively then making and keeping a promise not to invade the others privacy would be understandable and trusted.

 

To throw out some hints about information and then give the website name is just a tease.

 

i think a lot of vixen's manipulation and grandiose 'helping' would be a lot more understandable if she was very, very, very, insecure, which i think she tried to foreground by mentioning how much she was neglected by jon and how painful his rejection of her was.

 

i think if i hadn't any guys after me for years, i might want quantity too, and i might fudge the truth slightly to make it appear as though i had it. lonely has got to be the most painful adjective...i also might lie to guys to get a sense of security in my own attractiveness. one of the things i remember about being very poor was how important it was to appear comfortably-off.

 

Being hurt and bitter is tough, but Vixen contradicts herself in her posts. She might not recognize that what she is doing is manipulation and using someone else without consideration for their feelings. She thinks this guy would have no future without her and that he wouldn't know what dating was about without her -- that's a lot of insecurity and selfishness and false bravado wrapped up in a "awe shucks, (kicks toe in dirt), little 'ol me" package called 'good intentions.'

 

First she tells us that she had no intention whatsoever about forming a relationship with this guy, then when she's confronted with her arrogance and manipulation she backpeddals and gets defensive and starts sputtering about 'how do we know she won't have a relationship with him?'

 

She knows she made some mistakes -- some of us were pretty harsh with her. For my part it does not mean that I think less of her, or devalue any of her other posts, or think that I am in some way better than her. I'm older and I've made my share of mistakes -- some of which hurt other people and thankfully I learned from them. I'll still make mistakes until the day I die. We all will. I hope vixen sticks around and continues to post.

[BlockHead]

The Velvet Vixen

I didn't give it to him to tempt him, but just to show him some web pages I designed and banners I had made.

Sounds like a test.

The Velvet Vixen

I asked him not to read my diary, because I wouldn't feel comfortable writing certain things if I knew he was reading it.

Is this a joke? Everybody can read it except you.

 

I hope your boyfriend likes to test you.

jenny

she was very, very, very, insecure

Deep down, they are all cowards. Bullies, liars, manipulators, and arrogant people are all the same. There is no excuse for what they do.

 

Please provide a link when referring to another thread.

jenny

if you drop the defenses of multi-guys

The defenses never dropped because she is still emotionally unavailable. Call it a slipup because that happens from time to time when a person is trying to hide something.

 

Imagine that you are a police officer, and you pulled somebody over for speeding. “You were traveling this much faster over the speed limit, but I will let you go with a warning.” “That’s great officer. I’m glad that you didn’t check my trunk.”

Are you the unassuming type that would let him go, or would you investigate?

Notice, something doesn’t fit.

 

Am I the only person that thinks “don’t go to that website because I don’t want you to read what I wrote” is suspicious.

Where would that fit?

[jenny]

(for BlockHead)

righty right right:

 

it's from this thread:

 

This is so odd, i remember when i was dating Jon, and everyone was like, dump him you deserve better your a sweet kind girl go out and meet more guys, now that I'm doing just that, I'm a bitter damaged goods woman, whose is egotistical and selfish, there's just no pleasing everyone

 

some of the backstory is here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t27203/?highlight=jon

 

i'm not sure when they broke up. last time i tuned in she was pleased with his earning capacity and defending their union? i should go catch up now.

 

o! here we go. here is the break-up:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t24021/?highlight=jon

 

it is eternally to Curt's credit that he does not say he told her so at this point; that's very cool and noble.

[BlockHead]

jenny

I meant "arabess's response to locogurl"

Sorry for being vague.

[jenny]

lol! whoops! here we go:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=139314#post139314

 

man, as i re-read the vixen break-up threads, i'm so struck by the pattern of this - she was desperate to prove that jon adored her despite so much evidence (that she provided) to the contrary.

 

we're all silly and clumsy and longing. how awful it would be to be unable to have enough strength to face rejection.

[meanon]

Well said Jenny. For some of the rest of you - the tone of some of the posts on this thread are such that they are likely to be taken as an attack on character rather than advice. Please ask yourself if this is this an appropriate way to respond to someone seeking advice. Would you listen to the content of what someone said if they spoke to you that way? No one is perfect - if they were the site would serve no purpose. Only my opinion but it seems incredibly rude to treat someone who has expressed vulnerability with such a lack of respect, even if you fundamentally disagree with what they say.