Commitment phobe v. he's just not that into you

[phoenix1]

I have been a part of several conversations here about commitment phobes and break ups, and have been going through a break up with a CP. For the lonest time I really felt like he loved me, but he just wasn't ready/willing to do the work to get past his issues and be with me.

 

Somehow I was able to, eventually, accept this and start moving on. However recently I have started to think that maybe this is just a nice little story I tell myself to make my self feel better. After all, if he loved me that much, wouldn't he do the work that would allow him to be present?

 

I have many pieces of logic that go against the fact that he "just wasn't that into you", not just my own head, but others that knew us and were close to us, and see him around now. But I just can't stop thinking....

 

He told me he loved me, but just didn't want to be in a relationship right now, not ready to settle down. He has been seeing this one girl for awhile, not exclusively for a few months, but now I'm unsure. From what I hear from others it's a pretty unhealthy relationship on both parts. I feel like he's just grasping at something/someone. He actually told me (before this latest bout of NC) "She's definitely not the one". And I remember thinking, and obviously I'm not either? But, again my thought process is: You told me you didn't want to be in a relationship, and now you are in one. So obviously you just don't want to be in a relationship with me.

 

This thinking has really set me back in my moving on, and it's making me crazy. I tell myself to let it go and stop thinking about it, because it doesn't matter, but it's so hard! I feel so rejected, somehow I didn't as much before all these haunting thoughts. Sorry it's a little scattered, having a hard day.

 

So is CP just BS, or are you just not the one? Thoughts?

[curiousnycgirl]

Does it really matter? Result is the same regardless of the answer to your question.

[D-Lish]

Does it really matter? Result is the same regardless of the answer to your question.

 

Well it probably matters to the OP. The scenario that someone isn't capable of loving you vs. just not being interested enough in you would impact your ego in two different ways. It might also sway how you grieve.

 

I agree though- regardless, either scenario requires moving on.

 

I think we all have to frame a break up in a certain way in order to move on while keeping our ego intact.

 

To really understand if someone is a CP, there is more to it than how they act toward you. You have to delve into their past history or patterns as well.

 

Has your guy ever had a long term commited relationship?

Did he focus on a particular time, relationship, or incident that might cause you to believe this is how he is in general vs. how he was with you specifically? One thing I have come to realize about all CP's is that they all hit a wall that they can't move past- and they do it consistently with every romantic relationship they get involved in. Things seem fine until it gets too intimate. That in itself doesn't define the person as a CP- but it's a commonality.

[stillafool]

I don't think it really matters about what's going on with him and the other girl. The point is she is the one he is spending time with. He told you he loves you but doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. My question is how does he love you? Like a sister or a friend? If he was in love with you he wouldn't be dating this other girl he would be with you. Don't try to read things into what he is doing but instead focus on what he told you and believe him. The girl he is with now may not be "the one" but it seems neither are you. Go forward and meet your mate. Don't waste another second on this guy.

[Catseye8]

He told me he loved me, but just didn't want to be in a relationship right now, not ready to settle down. He has been seeing this one girl for awhile, not exclusively for a few months, but now I'm unsure. From what I hear from others it's a pretty unhealthy relationship on both parts. I feel like he's just grasping at something/someone. He actually told me (before this latest bout of NC) "She's definitely not the one". And I remember thinking, and obviously I'm not either? But, again my thought process is: You told me you didn't want to be in a relationship, and now you are in one. So obviously you just don't want to be in a relationship with me.

 

If he's a CP, it's not being in a relationship that'll bother him; it's being in a relationship that gets past his panic-and-run point. And if this is a pretty unhealthy relationship with someone that he doesn't think is the one, then hey, built-in safety barrier!

 

I used to think 'commitmentphobic' was just fancy self-help psychobabble for 'doesn't want to get married... to you.' I spent several years of my life being totally uninterested in a serious relationship, and upsetting quite a few men along the way. I was always up-front about not wanting anything serious from the men I dated, don't get me wrong - but if they started wanting more than I was happy to give, and a surprising number of them did, I was gone in a cloud of dust. A few years later, when I did meet the right person at the right time, I fell head-over-heels for him and settled down into a serious, committed relationship. Commitment 'phobia'? Ha! I thought I had it all worked out.

 

Then a real CP broke my heart, and now I tour schools warning teenagers of the dangers of seriously messed-up men. (Okay, I don't. But I sometimes wonder if that's a career path I should explore.)

 

CPs exist; they are deeply psychologically screwed up; and they do not act like normal people in relationships do, even normal people who Just Aren't That Into You. It is the biggest mindf*ck I have ever experienced. I have no idea whether your ex was CP, obviously, but it sounds like you did a lot of thinking and talking about the situation to get to the point of saying he was. So, what are you gaining from doubting all that now, apart from setting back your own progress and causing yourself pain? You thought about it; you came to those conclusions from an informed place; you started moving on. Things that block the way along the moving-on path are just mental gremlins out to sabotage your progress. Kick the gremlin out of the way, and keep walking.

 

Also... this might just be me, but I'm really reluctant to ever trust in "if he loved me, he'd do/not do XYZ." The flip side to that is that you start thinking "well, I know he loves me - therefore XYZ aren't happening or don't matter or aren't as bad as I think they are, etc etc". Been there, with a seriously screwed-up ex with PTSD way back in my past. The best lesson I took away from that is that love isn't magic fairy dust; someone can love you like crazy, but if they were a mess before, they're still going to be a mess afterwards.

Edited January 25, 2010 by Catseye8

[phoenix1]

@Catseye, thank you. Yeah, I think this realationship for him is OK, because there is no risk of becoming too emotionally involved. He truly did love me, I absolutely know that. And when I think of it, his last relationship she was a runner and he was a chaser- the other side of the coin. I see him and he looks sad and I know there is some feeling there...he just can't let himself go there. And, I know it's not my fault.

 

 

Everyone else, of course I know the reason is not changing the outcome, just trying to understand some things here.

 

Ours was the longest relationship he's ever had...and probably the healthiest. He pretty much split when things were moving to a place they do at 3 yrs, moving in together etc. And all that was his idea. Once I kind of said OK, be panicked and bolted.

 

And yes, a break up with a CP is the ultimate mind ****.

[Catseye8]

He pretty much split when things were moving to a place they do at 3 yrs, moving in together etc. And all that was his idea. Once I kind of said OK, be panicked and bolted.

 

Were we dating the same man?

[phoenix1]

Lol, thanks for making me laugh, sorry you had to go through the same thing, I know how painful it is.

[Serena2009]

Hey Phoenix1,

 

How ARE you???? It's great to hear from you again. I remember your posts from the threads on CP when there were about 5 - 7 of us posting regarding our experiences. I really DON'T think you're just dreaming this CP stuff up in your head to make yourself feel better about the breakup. Because, after all, does it really make you feel better that he has CP and THAT was primarily responsible for the breakup?? I doubt it!! The fact that he's in an unhealthy relationship now speaks volumes. I don't know if you remember, but in those past threads we all discussed how EVEN if they go running off and into another relationship, it won't be a healthy one unless they resolve their CP issues.

 

Having said all that, I also find myself at times, questioning and thinking, maybe he just wasn't that into me or maybe he's just a jerk etc. But I know logically that the only thing that fits is CPism. Sometimes I think I do it in an effort to try to find something concrete, like jerkism, or not being into me in order to see the breakup in the context of something acceptable. It's VERY difficult to accept that someone you loved, loved you so much that they had to break up with you. It's all so bass ackwards!! But that's the way with CPs. When they fall in love, and you love them back, they can't handle that level of intimacy and feel out of control so they freak and run.

 

I think what's really important is where you stand in regard to the relationship now. In other words, are you still holding onto any hope, however slight that a future with him is a possibility? Or, have you given up any hope and are trying to understand and process it and in order to put it fully behind you.

 

Great BIG ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) going out to you Phoenix!!

[threebyfate]

In both a situation of a commitmentphobe and also someone who's just not that into you, it's ultimately the same thing, since he cared more about himself. When a guy is just not that into you, he's not going to consider your needs. Same goes with a commitmentphobe. In both scenarios, his needs or fears come first.

 

In both scenarios, it's better for you, personally, to be out of the scenario.

[curiousnycgirl]

In both a situation of a commitmentphobe and also someone who's just not that into you, it's ultimately the same thing, since he cared more about himself. When a guy is just not that into you, he's not going to consider your needs. Same goes with a commitmentphobe. In both scenarios, his needs or fears come first.

 

In both scenarios, it's better for you, personally, to be out of the scenario.

 

As usual TBF is dead on - but that doesn't make it any easier.

 

Apologies for how terse I was in my first post on this thread - but I've just gotten out of a relationship with a committmentphobe as well and trust me I have all the same thoughts and agonize over everything.

 

Tomorrow will be 8 weeks, and I'm still weepy

[TheLoneSock]

However recently I have started to think that maybe this is just a nice little story I tell myself to make my self feel better.

 

That's exactly what it is. A guy, even if he's a CP by other people's 'standards', will in fact commit for the right girl.

 

Look for a guy that will fall for you hard and adore you, not just be kind of interested in you. Just make sure that when you do find that guy, you don't lose interest in him merely because he wants you.

 

Because if you do, you may have the type of personality that only wants what they can't have.

[Catseye8]

The CPs are the ones who 'fall for you hard and adore you', TheLoneSock. That's what makes it such a mindf*ck when they freak and run.

[Serena2009]

That's exactly what it is. A guy, even if he's a CP by other people's 'standards', will in fact commit for the right girl.

 

Look for a guy that will fall for you hard and adore you, not just be kind of interested in you. Just make sure that when you do find that guy, you don't lose interest in him merely because he wants you.

 

Because if you do, you may have the type of personality that only wants what they can't have.

 

Hey there LoneSock,

 

Your statement that a CP will commit when he finds the right girl is the equivalent of saying that an Eisoptrophobe (fear of mirrors) will look, once they find the right mirror. Irrational fears and phobias of all types do exist, and I have no doubt that this condition exists as some type of an attachment disorder/phobia that manifests in adulthood.

 

Like Catseye said, these guys (or girls) DO fall hard, get to a distinct level of attachment and intimacy, and then panic, freak and run. It's like being left at the peak of a movie, and all of the sudden the lights come on, and you never know what happened. These relationships don't deteriorate and then end like normal relationships. They end not due to rational or logical reasons. They end at the peak of mutual love and bonding, all due to the irrational CP freak out. It is truly the biggest mind-f**k of all!!

 

Here's a statement from my CP ex-bf that kind of sums it up:

"I can't believe you want to continue because what if it deteriorates??!!"

 

Good luck trying to find some logic in that reasoning!! With a CP, its all bass ackwards!!

 

Cheers,

Serena

[phoenix1]

Thanks Serena and Catseye, nice to hear from people that really understand this particular insanity.

 

I have no doubt this man loved me deeply, probably more than anyone in his life. And he remains conflicted. Although leaving temporarily relieved the anxiety of being with me, now he feels anxious that he will lose me forever. He has even actually told me this. That's why we have broken up and got back together more than once, and it is always him that comes back.

 

But I've done that, and it didn't work. And at this point I think just too much has happened. I am moving on, just trying to process, understand and learn from my past actions. At times just hard to accept that someone that loves you so much, can't be with you. Defies logic.

[Serena2009]

Thanks Serena and Catseye, nice to hear from people that really understand this particular insanity.

 

I have no doubt this man loved me deeply, probably more than anyone in his life. And he remains conflicted. Although leaving temporarily relieved the anxiety of being with me, now he feels anxious that he will lose me forever. He has even actually told me this. That's why we have broken up and got back together more than once, and it is always him that comes back.

 

But I've done that, and it didn't work. And at this point I think just too much has happened. I am moving on, just trying to process, understand and learn from my past actions. At times just hard to accept that someone that loves you so much, can't be with you. Defies logic.

 

Hey again Phoenix,

 

It is hard to accept because it does defy logic but unfortunately, it is what it is, bass ackwards. I respect your decision to move on from this and forward with your life which is no easy task when it comes to CPs. The trouble with CPs is that they keep on bouncing back to us and behaving in ways to revive our hope for the relationship, only to snatch it away once again due to a CP-freak out. They give, we submit, then they take it back, we distance . . . they give, we submit, then they take it back, we distance . . . they give, we submit, then they take it back, we distance in an endless cycle of CP behavior. Unfortunately, in most cases, we are the ones who have to break the cycle by ending the relationship, no easy task for us when what we really want is a future with them. Do you have concrete actions in mind that you will take in order to end your role in his cycle?? Because you know, in all liklihood, he's going to do everything he can in order to keep you hanging on, because the thought of having lost you is just as frightening as the thought of commiting to you. I'm currently in the same boat you are. I've come to accept that ending being part of his cycle is most likely going to have to come from me. I think they have a pattern in the way they come back and resurface too. In my case, because he knows me, and he knows I adamantly refused to continue in anything but a monogamous romantic relationship, he waits until he thinks I'm sufficiently cooled down about his behavior to resurface and then goes all out with his attempts to recaptivate me. If you can isolate the pattern, you can better prepare yourself so as not to get sucked back in and do what you need to do to set your boundaries and move forward.

 

Stay strong. We'll get through this!!

[Serena2009]

PS The CP cycle keeps the relationship stagnant and in one place moving around in circles rather than moving forward in a linear process.

[phoenix1]

Thanks Serena, yeah, I have pretty much gotten it through my head that it is never going to work. That was the one good thing that came out of breaking up and getting back together. I just remind myself how much it didn't work..and how painful it was. Try to remember the painful memories when I felt my mind reminiscing about the good times.

 

What I'm really struggling with, especially today is the fact that he didn't want to be in a relationship, but now he's in one, just not with me. I was able to let it go for the last week or so, but today it's wrecking me. I mean I understand the logical reasons, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt soooo bad. I would be much better able to manage if he was just dating, somehow that didn't bother me. It makes me think everything he said wasn't true, all his feelings for me. The few recent times I have talked to him, before going NC again, he was just so cold - like I meant nothing. I mean I know it's over, but why not even warm friendliness between two people that loved each other so much at one time. How can he just turn it off? I wish I could. I know I need to stop thinking about this, just having a very hard day.

 

It's so hard to, because we have all these overlapping, mutual friends, and she came in as a friend of those friends, and now I see her literally, taking my place. Additionally, I have to constantly think about where I'm going etc, if I don't want to run into them. I don't know how to manage this. Over 50% of my friends on FB are mutual with him. Do I get all new friends? Ughhhh. It would be so much easier if I didn't have to constantly think about them and what they are doing and where they are going.

 

It was so much easier in our other break ups when he was just dating whoever, not in our circle of friends, and I didn't have to see it or think about it. I was much more able to move on. This just feels like torture.

 

Sorry I;m just going on and on. Having a very hard day.

[Serena2009]

Thanks Serena, yeah, I have pretty much gotten it through my head that it is never going to work. That was the one good thing that came out of breaking up and getting back together. I just remind myself how much it didn't work..and how painful it was. Try to remember the painful memories when I felt my mind reminiscing about the good times.

 

THIS is a good idea Phoenix!! It's natural to idealize a partner and a relationship when there's loss, and its good to remind ourselves that it really wasn't all a bed of roses!! There's a lot of crap that goes along with being in a relationship with a CP and all their crazy cycling!!

 

What I'm really struggling with, especially today is the fact that he didn't want to be in a relationship, but now he's in one, just not with me. I was able to let it go for the last week or so, but today it's wrecking me. I mean I understand the logical reasons, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt soooo bad. I would be much better able to manage if he was just dating, somehow that didn't bother me. It makes me think everything he said wasn't true, all his feelings for me.

 

If I remember things, your relationship went on much longer than his new one has right?? If he's truly CP, he's not going to find the "right woman" and be magically cured of his affliction, even if he thinks he is!! If he's CP and he's with a woman, he likely hasn't gotten to his trigger point of intimacy and attachment that sets him off into overwhelming anxiety resulting in freaking, distancing and running. Or, if he's CP and he's in a relationship, he's comfortable somehow because there's built in distance such as maybe SHE'S emotionally unavailable which keeps him safe. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if he was/is CP, and from everything you've posted it certainly seems like he was/is, he still IS CP and not in a relationship bed of roses with this new woman. If he didn't get help to work through his issue, he's still got the issue!! Let me put it one more way, if an individual has Narcissistic PD or Borderline PD or a substance abuse disorder or PTSD or arachnophobia or any host of other things and they are in one relationship, breaking off and going into their new relationship is not a cure for these issues. It's NOT a cure for CP either. Untreated, they carry their crap into the new relationship with them and this goes for CPs too!! I'm guessing there's LOTS of drama in his new relationship. What do you think? Don't let yourself get dragged down by thinking he's in some great relationship. He's not because he's not capable!!

 

 

The few recent times I have talked to him, before going NC again, he was just so cold - like I meant nothing. I mean I know it's over, but why not even warm friendliness between two people that loved each other so much at one time. How can he just turn it off? I wish I could. I know I need to stop thinking about this, just having a very hard day.

 

He can't really just turn it off, but he knows you've been there for him and so he feels entitled to be a jerk because he thinks no matter what he does, you'll still be there for him. I wouldn't maintain a friendship with him under any terms. And . . . guess who he's going to come running back to when his current relationship goes sour . . . you got it . . . YOU!! And . . . I hope you tell him where he can stick it when he does come running back!!

 

It's so hard to, because we have all these overlapping, mutual friends, and she came in as a friend of those friends, and now I see her literally, taking my place. Additionally, I have to constantly think about where I'm going etc, if I don't want to run into them. I don't know how to manage this. Over 50% of my friends on FB are mutual with him. Do I get all new friends? Ughhhh. It would be so much easier if I didn't have to constantly think about them and what they are doing and where they are going.

 

I don't know how to help you with this one and I'm sure its very difficult!! I'm sure that someone on LS has had the experience with having lots of mutual friends and how to deal with the FB thing. I have a core group of long time friends and newer friends that haven't shifted as a result of my relationships and I don't do FB because I value my privacy. I'm sure many on here have lots more experience in this area than I do so please . . . someone else chime in here!!

 

It was so much easier in our other break ups when he was just dating whoever, not in our circle of friends, and I didn't have to see it or think about it. I was much more able to move on. This just feels like torture.

 

I'm sure its more difficult this time and is torture because it's in your face due to him being involved with someone in your circle of friends. Again, someone else needs to chime in here because I haven't had this "in your face" experience with a guy and I'm sure it causes some serious anguish! The only thing I can advise is to distance yourself emotionally from him and work your butt off to become indifferent!! No easy task, I know!!

 

Sorry I;m just going on and on. Having a very hard day.

 

There's nothing to be sorry for!! The pain you're experiencing is completely understandable. Be strong and keep your chin up Phoenix. I know you'll get through this. No guy is worth the kind of suffering that he continues to put you through and you're going through.