Having feelings for FWB...she got angry when I brought it up with her

[Cpunch75]

Currently in a FWB relationship with this girl,

my question is to the girls in this forum,

 

If you were FWB'ing with a guy, and you had just come out of a 2 year hurtful and painful relationship, what traits would you not want to see in someone you were hooking up with on a regular weekly basis? Certaintly Clinginess is one Trait....any other suggestions?

 

for example, after sex, is it ok to hold someone, or should you just not act like you have an attachment to her......and just sleep?

 

Im developing feelings for this girl, and last night we had a fight b/c i slipped a few of these feelings for her, but If that's what it is, then that's what it is...

 

I don't know how to act around her, any advice?

[Tony T]

I'm not a female but I can tell you, a contract is a contract for some people. If you told this gal up front that this was a sex only deal and that's the way she's been strictly playing this...then she would get pissed if you tried to reform the contract midstream.

 

If you're having feelings for her, just tell her you have to conclude the friends with benefits thing because of feelings which have developed. She will either decide to mutually broaden the relationship or get out of it. But let her make that decision. Right now you are just out of a relationship and she knows that. She's smart enough to know she doesn't want to be your rebound.

 

As far as what the two of you do, holding hands, cuddling, etc., that's got to be discussed. Don't leave anything to chance.

 

If she got pissed because you discussed having some feeling for her, then you need to have another discussion soon at which time you will have to make decisions with the FWB you want to be more. If it's not mutual, you will have to move on. Staying in something like that when you have feelings and keeping them trapped inside is being very, very cruel to yourself and will work heavily against you in finding true love at a later date.

 

I also really don't see how you can get over your last relationship when you're having regular sex with somebody....that somebody now for whom you have transferred those feelings from your ex.

 

Resolve this soon and be prepared to move on.

[jenny]

friends with benefits is a messy lawless playground, hey?

ok, here are a few guidelines which you are free to reject or adapt at your will:

 

1. the cuddling issue: by all means holding, kissing, murmuring and purring post coitus is fine. it's part of the act for many of us, and does not mean you've strayed into relationship territory. if she has been recently badly hurt, you may have to consistently initiate said cuddling. indeed, cuddling will make the FWB experience better. this is not clinginess, this is human contact.

 

1. amendment a. clinginess IS: calling too much, expecting an instant return to your call or email, needing approval, etc. do be courteous - call for a hang-out date at least four days ahead of time, but don't call just to chat. the biggest rule in the FWB: only expect returned courtesy and pleasure.

 

2. the best FWB's still have amazing gentlemanly manners: they still make sure one has coffee, breakfast, and a way home in the morning. in a relationship, you might stay together the following day, but the FWB usually goes home in a timely manner. alternatively, you can go together for breakfast at a pancake house or diner, followed by a walk to her car or bus.

 

3. if you are developing feelings, and it is starting to hurt to see her leave, you might want to break it off, now. she is no emotional position to have a relationship. if you can cool it off a bit, though, and hang in there - sometimes relationships can spring out of FWB's, but usually not. start mentally detaching NOW. the FWB area is an easy place to get manipulated, hurt, or run over because the guidelines are so hazy.

 

4. IF you think you would a relationship is possible with this girl, try the following things:

a. move the dates out of the bedroom. invite her to plays, movies, museums, dinner, and walks outside. if she's defensive, let her pay.

b. let her meet your friends, family, or school chums

c. take an interest in her family, friends, and hobbies

d. talk with her about important issues: news, cultures, books, etc.

e. state of the union address: discuss the boundaries of your relationship at some DISTANT point - does she mind if you are seeing others, etc?

 

sometimes i have only known i'm in a relationship because i have been informed that i am, but we are a casual bunch. it's really up to you how good or meaningful you want this relationship to be - it is not a good relationship to have with anyone who is melodramatic, tearful, into scenes and recriminations, or into improving their partners.

 

keep us updated! cheers -

[Errol]

If you have feelings for her then tell her and discuss it. If she wants to break it off then accept it and move on.

 

FWB is a concept - I've never seen it work for very long and usually one or both parties leave it with their feelings hurt.

[Cpunch75]

She certaintly has melodrama in her life, and I remember seeing her a week ago after her ex-bf was in town, she looked liked she was crying for quite some time but was covering it up b/c she was expecting me.

 

She's just coming off of this terrible relationship, and now she is realizing her freedom and wants to explore the possibilities....That is her main premise to everything, FREEDOM. I have to grant her that freedom, and right now my only role is pleasing her in bed, which is ok and it is a lucky thing you could say. However, this newly branded luck will eventually make me feel worthless, but then again this is FWB.

 

We are going to visit a museum this wknd or sometime soon, so perhaps this will be a testing ground for her. So Jenny, thanks for the FBW ethics, I will seriously take your input as a FWB guide. who knows where it will end up, I have many other interested parties anyways, If not her then someone else.

 

Cpunch