Boundary Problem Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 How do you tell a guy that you are self-conscious about a certain part of your body? I have this friend who constantly ridicules a part of my body and it has made a 'problem area' that I was working on, into a bit of a horrendous self-consciousness issue. The body part: my baby tummy. Yes I have 10 lbs to lose, but there are no stretch marks. And my tummy was always a little rounded, even before baby. But anyways, my confirmed bachelor friend who likes to date 20 yr old girls keeps telling me to go to the gym and do stomach-crunches. I agree with him that I have to go to the gym. But how do I tell him that he is hurting my feelings. There were some abuse issues in my marriage and my body self-image is recovering (I have a lovely body, aside from this problem tummy). So I don't know what to do. I know I need to lose the weight, and I will. I think he doesn't realize how sensitive I am about it and how deeply the self-image problems in my marriage went. So basically there is no point in just going to the gym, I kind of need support to fix the self-image problem re body as well. They go hand in hand. And him teasing me is making it worse. I put this in the dating section because how do I deal with this when dating. According to my friend this tummy is going to be a deal-breaker for men. But as I go on more dates, and keep going to the gym, I think this problem will go away. help. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Your "friend" is behaving like an insensitive ***** Unlike the images you get in magazines etc, women have a tendency for rounded tummies - it's perfectly natural and is all part of being a woman. Men like curves Link to post Share on other sites
Author Boundary Problem Posted January 25, 2010 Author Share Posted January 25, 2010 Thank you. I know men like curves (and I have lots). I think his point is just not tooooo many curves. But he is used to these 20 yr old girls and I have to figure out how to warn him that women mature, have babies and it is still an attractive body even if it isn't a playboy type body. But he's right about the last 10 pounds. Even my gay ex-husband thinks I need to lose the last 10 pounds. So they agree on that. Anyways, I'm off to the gym. Thx for making me feel better. People underestimate the power of our minds to influence change. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Don't internalize other people's comments into your own personal hell! Comments like your friend's make me crazy. My best friend is a recovering anorexic. I have seen her at 90 lbs struggling to come to terms with her body. Over the past 2 years she has put on about 40 lbs, and looks healthy and gorgeous- so much better than she did. Some of the guys we hang around with have taken to teasing her about "her pregnancy", grabbing her belly and asking when her due date is. She's now sliding backwards- starving herself and obsessing again. The guys obviously have no clue about the impact of their words. I recently lambasted a couple of them in private. He doesn't realize how deeply he is affecting you- so I think you have to let him know in no uncertain terms how his words are scarring you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Boundary Problem Posted January 25, 2010 Author Share Posted January 25, 2010 He doesn't realize how deeply he is affecting you- so I think you have to let him know in no uncertain terms how his words are scarring you. Well he is trying to help. I don't think he intends to hurt me. But sometime helping can go too far the other way. I kind of like it when he nags me to go to the gym, because frankly anything that gets me going to the gym is a good thing. I just think men can be clueless about how us women need positive reinforcement about our bodies, particularly when there has been abuse. We need positive reinforcement (only if it is genuine and honest) and men need space (lots and lots of it). Link to post Share on other sites
sagetalk Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 You're friend is right, tummies are bad on girls. Is he being insensitive? Well, I think he's trying to help you in his own way. You may see it as him being mean, but he may see it as him helping you get a ton of guys coming after you. Give him a break, and start becoming less sensitive. You're life will be a living hell if you let little things like this get to you. If he means well, which I think he does, tell him, "You could use some bigger guns yourself" and laugh. Have fun with life, don't let it little things (especially from well meaning people) drag you down. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Well he is trying to help. I don't think he intends to hurt me. But sometime helping can go too far the other way. I kind of like it when he nags me to go to the gym, because frankly anything that gets me going to the gym is a good thing. I just think men can be clueless about how us women need positive reinforcement about our bodies, particularly when there has been abuse. We need positive reinforcement (only if it is genuine and honest) and men need space (lots and lots of it). I agree, I don't think he knows it's hurting you, and I think his intention is to help. As I said- many guys don't realize how sensitive women can be about their bodies. Link to post Share on other sites
doushenka Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 How do you tell a guy that you are self-conscious about a certain part of your body? Flat-out: "Dude. You're being a douche. Quit picking on my belly. I'm not twenty and I don't want to be, and why does it matter to you anyway?" *shrug* I wouldn't listen to a guy about ten pounds either way. Bodies fluctuate naturally by a margin of ten, and who would actually notice? Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Flat-out: "Dude. You're being a douche. Quit picking on my belly. I'm not twenty and I don't want to be, and why does it matter to you anyway?" *shrug* I wouldn't listen to a guy about ten pounds either way. Bodies fluctuate naturally by a margin of ten, and who would actually notice? ^ This. Doesn't matter that he's just trying to help. He is hurting your feelings and making you more self-conscious and that negates whatever good intent he might have, IMO. I think you need to tell him that it's upsetting you. A good friend will understand. Link to post Share on other sites
sagetalk Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 ^ This. Doesn't matter that he's just trying to help. He is hurting your feelings and making you more self-conscious and that negates whatever good intent he might have, IMO. I think you need to tell him that it's upsetting you. A good friend will understand. It most certainly does matter what his intentions are. Being overly sensative to what people say is an equal crime as not being sensative when you speak. Being playful with the situation is a much better play than getting upset about it. An average girl would get upset and mad over a comment like that, but an amazing girls would let it roll off her without a thought. If I told a girl what he told you and instead of getting mad, she gave it right back. My jaw would probably hit the floor in awe of her awesomeness . Don't let people change how you feel about yourself, let your positive attitude stay a constant and not fluctuate based on whether people are kissing your butt or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Dog Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 The girl I'm crazy about has a few extra pounts, on her stomach, thighs, and butt, but to me, its just another thing that makes her HER, and it drives me crazy just thinking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Sure, everyone ought to be tough enough to take it and give it back. But I don't think men realize that giving a woman sh*t about her body is the absolute worst way to get her to change. So if his intent was to help, it isn't going to work, it's just going to hurt. Personally, I don't care what anyone says I "need to do" in order to get a man. But weight is a hugely sensitive issue for women, and I think that merits a bit more sensitivity. Link to post Share on other sites
doushenka Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 It most certainly does matter what his intentions are. It matters equally how she's perceiving it. Communication, two ways, all that stuff you probably snored through in Psych 100? Yeah, funny how humans get along better when they take it into account. He should think before he opens his mouth, and she probably needs to tell him how she feels about a topic that obviously means a lot to her. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Even if tummies are bad for girls and just about anyone ( stomach fat = heart disease) your friend went about it the wrong to " encourage" to work it off. Personally, I'm very sensitive to people making comments about my body ( since I used to be fat) and I work out (alot) just to stay in shape. I don't take well to compliments either, so I shy away from it. I think the point I'm trying to make is that if you're unhappy with your body, you do what you have to do to get yourself fit. Other people are never part of the equation. Only how you feel about yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 This is why males and females cant be platonic friends... He treats her like a guy and she cries like a girl. Link to post Share on other sites
sagetalk Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 It matters equally how she's perceiving it. Communication, two ways, all that stuff you probably snored through in Psych 100? Yeah, funny how humans get along better when they take it into account. He should think before he opens his mouth, and she probably needs to tell him how she feels about a topic that obviously means a lot to her. Yes, but you said it doesn't matter what he intended, that is not a two way street. I'm not the only one napping during Psych 100 . He should think before he speaks and she needs to lighten up and not be so easily offended. Link to post Share on other sites
craigeo Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 I think you answered you own question. You said "But as I go on more dates, and keep going to the gym, I think this problem will go away." your right. Link to post Share on other sites
Coach_Katherine Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Dear boundary problem, it sounds to me like your friend is violating your boundaries whether he "means it well" or just being a jerk. If it doesn't feel good to you to hear what he says you need to just tell him straight up. The question is, do you really enjoy and do you want to continue to hang out with him if he keeps saying things like that to you? It may be a good idea to just let him know that if he doesn't stop making comments about your body you will not hang out with him. That is the best way to set boundaries with people. Otherwise you will just resent him. Link to post Share on other sites
doushenka Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 I'm not the only one napping during Psych 100 . No, just Reading 101. His intentions need to be clearer, and he needs to think before he speaks in order to get them across better. If he's really concerned about her health, there are better ways to say that. If he's just picking on her, um, maybe he could wink at her or say "Just kidding!" or something. I don't tend to hang around with people who pick on each other like that, so I'm not sure what else he could do to help the OP feel less attacked. If his intentions really are to attack the OP, well, that's terribly rude, and I'm not sure why anyone needs to put up with that sort of rudeness. Link to post Share on other sites
sonicranger Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 So...why is it a "problem" area? Because YOU said so, or because this dickhead friend of yours makes fun of you for it? Or because the stupid, know nothing media say it's a problem? My girlfriend is a young, hot, 22 year old with a "problem tummy" as you describe. 10 FRIGGING POUNDS? Gimme a break, if YOU are happy with the way you look then thats all that matters. I think my girlfriend is HOT and SEXY and I rub, touch, fondle her "tummy" and all her other girly bits ALL OF THE TIME. It's only a "problem" if you believe it is. I don't believe that you believe it is...follow me. Get it out of your head. If it REALLY, REALLY bothers you then go ahead and starve yourself, start running, doing crunches and other cardio, high intensity workouts. P.S. Crunches alone won't work...just google it, theres about 100,000 websites that'll tell you that. Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny M Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 But anyways, my confirmed bachelor friend who likes to date 20 yr old girls keeps telling me to go to the gym and do stomach-crunches. I agree with him that I have to go to the gym. But how do I tell him that he is hurting my feelings. Instead of telling him that he's hurting your feelings, follow his advice and go to the gym. The guy is doing you a big favor by providing the much needed motivation (because it's clear that you could never motivate yourself). Seriously, just start working out already. You don't even need to join the gym - you can do crunches at home. In fact, you could be doing crunches right now instead of sitting in front of the computer. Stop making excuses about 'abuse issues' and 'self image' and feeling sorry for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
DiscoChick Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 The only person opinion I really care about, in concerns for my body, are my own and my doctors'. I take medication that adds weight to me, so my weight is on a constant roller-coaster. I haven't been a toothpick since I was eight. I have many male friends and they make jokes about me; I make jokes about them. I know when they are serious about something; they tell me in private or agree as a whole. They told me to stop wearing v-neck tshirts because it draws attention from how smart I am and makes guys focus on my boobs... I love my guys. Sometimes they will say things that they mean well by but completely screw it up by saying it in a off-handed way. They are always so grateful that I don't overreact and I know what they mean. I dunno if I helped at all... Link to post Share on other sites
Satisfaction Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 gym, exercise and ignoring cakes, chocolate and biscuits help alot. I hate it when people take the piss like the way he is doing. You could show him how you really feel when he says that. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 If he's honestly a friend, you should be able to discuss this with him, in a non-confrontational manner. If he continues to press the issue, point out the flaws in his body, over and over again. If he has personality flaws, don't forget those. Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 I have a friend like yours. He is a 30 year old guy and he constantly makes negative comments about me. I have recently turned 31 and he keeps telling me that I am "over the hill", "a cougar now" and points out 50 year olds and tells me to go for them. It might sound funny, but then he says things like "a woman over 30 can go straight to a trash can" and he only dates 22 year olds and under. So he IS actually serious about those comments (and I am very sensitive to getting older). When I gainied a few pounds, he looked me up and down and said "you sure have gained a few. fat and old is not a good look." I also have an Eastern European accent when I speak English and he makes fun of that too. He imitates my voice and accent and repeats everything I say in exagurrated Russian accent. It might not seem like a big deal to some but: I am insecure about my age. I am insecure about my weight. I am insecure about my accent. Any outing with him involved puts me in a bad mood and feeling low about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
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