Finding porn magazines--Is he fantasizing about other women? How do I believe in us?

[jessie]

I (27) have been married to my husband (31) almost three years now. Our sex lives have been wonderful since and it has been quite regular. Yet within the past 2 years, I have found porn magazines in the house (where we lived with his family) and in his office. Whenever I’d confront him after that, he denied having any. Despite having conversations with him about the fear of other family members, co-workers, and future children finding the magazines, I found them again on several occasions—once in the bathroom at his office on our last anniversary. Although, it has been at least 5 or 6 months since I last found any porn and found myself shivering uncontrollably, the thought still scares me. He promised me then that he would never hurt me again, saying he loves me and could not imagine his life without me. Yet he had lied to me enough times before about having any porn. How do I trust him now? As our anniversary is approaching again this holiday season, I am saddened and feel the need for some sort of fulfillment from him to believe in our marriage. Promises mean nothing to me anymore. We are both keen on having children soon, but how can I be a good mother if I don’t trust my husband? I myself don’t know what it would take for me to trust him again as the thought of him fantasizing about other women lingers in my head. Is he imagining someone else when we have sex?

 

As many people suggest, I have watched porn movies with him a few times. I don’t see how this should help the situation. Although he is a television addict, he reacted indifferently to the porn movies when watching them with me and did, in fact, turn it off to turn to “make love” to me. If my husband believes that what I don’t know won’t hurt me yet he can carry out his fantasies in private, he might as well have remained single and saved me the hurt. Since I’ve known him, I had always whole-heartedly done things for him—loving him completely—putting him before me—wanting to fulfill any lack of love he may have felt through having divorced parents. I have become exhausted of giving and feel I have become selfish since encountering porn in his life. There were times within the first year or two of our marriage that I felt I was at the top of the world because our relationship was perfect. That feeling has been completely shattered. Although I have men ogling over me all the time when I am out, my self-confidence and ability to love has decreased. I want to have faith in our relationship because besides this factor, my husband is a wonderful man—very caring, giving, loving, and innocently silly. How do I stop suspecting him and start believing in us completely once again?

[Tony T]

First, I would print out your post above and show it to your husband. He needs to know in very clear terms how you feel about his past involvement with porn. You have to talk about it. He needs to know exactly how you are affected by this now. He needs to know the damage it has done. The two of you have to develop a mutual strategy for working through this.

 

Humans are a lot more complicated than you can imagine. Try to understand the meaning these magazines have for him. Most men enjoy looking at pictures of naked women. It does become a problem when it's an obsession but it doesn't sound like an obsession in your husband's case.

 

Now consider that he could not have the magazines around and just be thinking about naked women, undressing every female he sees, in his mind and you would have no idea. Hell, I have no idea what the answer is but I do not that many, many men look at these kinds of magazines with various degrees of impact on themselves, their relationships and their wives. However, I do feel that once a woman has expressed displeasure and described the horrific impact of such magazine use on their lives and on the relationship, a man has to make a clear choice.

 

If you haven't seen your guy with a magazine, or discovered them around, in the last six months then maybe he understands what he did. So when you let him know how you feel, go easy on him. But trust me, if a guy wants to look at naked pictures of women, he will. And if your husband does so, don't take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. The President can get blow jobs in the Oval Office while his wife is 200 feet away in the Rose Garden. It's not right, but it happens. People are human. Men succumb to temptations and desire for a variety of visual stimulation. If you were happy and totally content with your home and hometown, you'd never desire to take a vacation. It's nice to see unfamiliar surroundings on occasion but most of us always return home.

[AprilFool]

In fact, I've posted numerous threads about it. I found a magazine, threw a fit, and asked him never to look at naked women again. He listened for a little while, until we got a computer. Next thing I know, he's looking at it again. I was devistated, and like you, went into a trembling fit. I begged him not to look at it again, and he said he wouldn't.

 

A few months later, I again found porn. I was so angry, that I just didn't even tell him I knew about it. What was the point???? He wouldn't give a crap about how I feltl; he hadn't yet. I started looking at porn myself. I found myself viewing it out of curiosity and bordom (once I got past the initial disgust). Finally, I decided that if I don't want my husband to look at it, he's just going to do it and lie about it. So why fight it. I decided that it came down to allowing my husband to look at it, or leave him. I decided to try and get over it.

 

Once I did my best to let it go (even though every time I find out he's looked at it, I still get mad and sick, but I'm still a work in progress) our marriage improved. I guess he felt accepted, and not like I was trying to control or change him.

 

I know it's a big deal....IT'S A HUGE DEAL TO ME STILL. I just realized that if I didn't accept it, I'd be forcing him to either lie, or wish he could do something that I wouldn't let him do, which would make him resent ME.

 

I know it's frusterating, but YOU married him for better or worse, and it looks like he's going to do this no matter what. I'd rather my husband look at dirty pictures than LIE to me. Also, I began looking at porn myself, and find it to be no big deal, so I assume that it's not a big deal to him either....even though he INSISTS on doing it whether I ask him not to or not. If I'm looking at a naked man, I don't get turned on at all....it's just a naked man. If I watch a porn movie, I get turned on, but I'm not fantasizing about the man in the movie, I'm wishing that my husband were there doing what they're doing with me

 

I don't know if my husband fantasizes the same way, but I chose to assume he does.

 

Hope something I said helps. Sorry...I know what you're going through...TRUST me.

[moimeme]

If I watch a porn movie, I get turned on, but I'm not fantasizing about the man in the movie, I'm wishing that my husband were there doing what they're doing with me

 

Exactly! You look at what's going on and imagine doing that with the person in your life. The activity is interesting, not the people portrayed carrying out the action.

 

I'd be very surprised if this wasn't the case for most porn consumers but I'd be glad to hear differing opinions.

[jmargel]

Why are you so upset about him looking at porn? He is ONLY looking. Nothing is wrong with that (at least to me) Him looking at it, or wanking to it doesnt mean he is disrespecting you, or doesnt love you. Its human nature to find other people attractive, even if you are committed to someone. The big difference is when you ACT as in find someone else to sleep with, than just looking.

 

If you 'forbid' him to do this then you are just forcing him to do this underground which will cut communications between you two. Accept that he likes looking at it, and try to get some ideas from it. To me watching porn together is something not only nice to watch, but brings a couple closer together. It shows you don't have jealous in having a mate look at another person, and it also gives you ideas on how to do things differently. Just because you are married doesn't mean you have control over what this person likes to do. Yes there are boundaries and as far as you know he hasn't slept with anyone else. Don't confused watching or looking at porn with cheating!

 

Maybe my viewpoint is different. My gf and me goto strip clubs together and she is bi curious. We talk at times about a 3 some, well knowing that we are not jealous & secure with each other.

 

There is also nothing wrong with you looking at male porn. Maybe you might get into it if you give it a chance. What reaction would he have if you told him you were looking at some? Try to keep things spicy.. jeez..

[gingerelle]

Jessie, I am/was very much like you are. I am 28 and have been married for 3 1/2 years and the first time I found my husband's "porn stash" I was incredibly PO'ed and hurt and I felt like I wasn't good enough or attractive enough for him. I felt like he preferred the women in the magazine. And I was even more upset that he "whacked" off to this stuff. I just couldn't understand how he could do that when he has a real female right there to do things with.

 

But....what I have come to learn and accept is that it really is NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

[gingerelle]

cont.

 

It is not at all what we wives make it out to be. We imagine that they are thinking about the women in the magazines when they are making love to us and that they prefer those women. Through talking to my husband about this over and over again, I have come to realize that that is not what it's about.

 

Men, as we all very well know, are in fact visual creatures and any red blooded hetrosexual man is going to look at naked women any time they get a chance. It does not mean they do not love their wives/gf or that they do not find them attractive enough. My husband explained it to me that it is not that he would rather masturbate to these magazines than to be with me or that he thinks those women look better than me. It's just that the wives/gf are not always there and it's just a release... done out of boredom and nothing more. And I gurantee that when our husband make love to us, those porn stars are the furthest thing from their minds.

 

It is just a way to express their sexuality with themselves and everyone should be able to do that and know how to do that with their own bodies. I can't imagine that there are very many women who don't masturbate to fantasies in their minds, I know I do. And I wouldn't like it if my husband told me I couldn't do that anymore.

 

I admit that if I had a choice of him having porn or not, I'd have to go with not...but that is NOT MY CHOICE to make. You can not tell your spouse that he/she can't have this or can't do that . It will only lead them to resent you. And resentment will only lead them to someone else, and if the choice was porn or cheating...then I think the answer is obvious!!

[jessie]

Thank you all for your replies and comments. I do look at porn myself and enjoy it, thing is that I probably like it for the attractive women, though I've not had any sexual relationships with any females. Although I am quite open and accepting to different ideas, I am reluctant at the same time to things such as a 3-some. I know for a fact that I could not handle seeing my husband's hands upon another woman. And likewise, he is possessive at the same level as me for he would not want another guy touching me. It would just violate the sanctity of our bond. I know for a fact he would be very upset if he found me masturbating to pictures of naked men. And by telling me that he is looking at porn magazines for the act is b.s. since looking at most any one of the mags, there are naked women all over them, sometimes performing acts, yes. But it is definitely the women that lure one into porn addiction. The magazines are not filled with pages of couples having sex, except in certain issues. And believe me, jmargel, I've had a great share of looking at and enjoying porn. We have much spice in our lives. I have hardly seen anything new in any adult magazine or video that has not already been tried.

 

I am glad to know gingerelle that your husband actually communicates with you on the issue. At times when I've found the porn, my husband would become extremely helpless. I could see it in his eyes. He was afraid of losing me when it last happened. His reason was simply that he is a porn addict. Yet I don't know what would define one as such for I could call myself that too. And if he is calling himself an addict, does that mean he is needing to "whack off" every day at work after his boss leaves despite the fact that we enjoy sex most every day? I don't know. If he had told me it is a "release" after a hard day of tedious work, I may have understood. Yet I'd still wonder (after all, he's lied to me time and again). But he seems unable to give me a reasonable answer to why. And that is why it still bothers me. The fact that I have not found any porn in the last few months does not mean he does not have any. From what I've gathered from reading many postings by women in similar situations is that men get better at hiding porn through each time they lie about it. Being that it took about 6 months between the last 2 times I found the porn, it could take much longer now.

 

I did buy a Playgirl mag. few months back--probably more out of revenge than anything else, never used it for anything more than just to flip through pages. I'd probably display it if I found any of my husband's again, although I've been tempted to do it on our anniversary just as was done to me. Yet my rational side tells me that is not going to resolve anything.

 

What hurts most is that he would lie to me constantly, letting me know that he would lie about anything he thinks I may disapprove of, whether it's a night out at a strip club or gambling. There were moments in the past when I found the magazines that I somewhat accepted it. Somehow, it's harder now not having honest answers from him and his inability to communicate on the issue with me.

[AprilFool]

EXACTLY!!! I ordered Playgirl to "get back at him" too It'll be here in February

 

Now, I've really gotten over it, I think. My husband got really good at hiding it, but I finally convinced him that I didn't care if he looked at it. Now, he doesn't bother hiding it. If I were you, I'd just accept it. You've said that you, like me, look at porn yourself, and enjoy it, but you don't want him looking at it.

 

When I convinced my husband that I was ok with porn, he joined a porn site for $30 a month. I was p.o.ed that he was going to be paying for it, but asked if I could have the password. He gladly shared it with me.

 

Porn has been something fun for us lately. I still haven't givin his playboy magazine back to him, though...I'm not that comfortable yet

 

My husband got to the point where he was whacking off, instead of making love to me. That's when I started really getting ruffled. My needs weren't being met. I decided that if I can't beat him, I'd join him. Every time I would find porn on the computer...even for 15 minutes, I'd stay up after he went to bed (which he doesn't like me doing any way...I guess he likes me there when he sleeps) and I would look at it until I got sleepy....sometimes for hours. Yes, I would masterbate too. Hey, I had to get my release somewhere...my husband wasn't meeting my needs.

 

The funny thing happened the other day. My husband knew that I was opposed to him looking at porn, but he did it any way any time he wanted, in spite of my numerous beggings not to. Saturday, we got into a deep discussion, and he said he respected me enough to stop looking at porn, if I would stop. I told him that porn didn't bother me any more, and that he could look all he wanted, as long as he met my needs....*ahem* I am his wife, I feel that I should be top priority.

 

The next day *Sunday* I went to church for about an hour. When I returned home, we were laughing about how he used to break things when he got mad, and how well he was doing controlling his temper lately. He said, yeah...but I broke the mouse. He had broken the mouse on an old computer we had, so I assumed that was what he was talking about.

 

Apparently, while I was at church, he was trying to get on the computer, got angry, and broke the mouse. He said it was because the computer was moving so slowly...I think he wanted me to stop looking at porn

 

It looks like when the tables got turned, and I was the one indulging in porn all the time, dear hubby didn't like that one bit.

 

The reason I think it had something to do with me looking at porn, is because the day before, he offered to stop looking at it if I would....which strikes me as funny. Then, while I'm gone, he breaks the mouse so neither of us can use the computer. The clincher is that he hasn't asked me to go get another one to replace the one he broke! The old husband would have been very cautios of his precious porn tool, and not broken anything. The old husband would want me to immediately run out and replace the broken mouse.

 

This new husband couldn't care less that he can't access his precious porn.

 

If I were you, I'd do my darndest to get over his porn addiction. It sounds like it's something he really wants to do. Once you get over it, though, make sure he knows you're over it, and do your best to become involved in it too. Once he realizes that he can happily share his porn with you, and not be judged, he will become much happier *since he can do something he enjoys with your blessing* and you will be happier too *because your husband feels comfortable enough to share something he used to keep secret with you*

 

I don't think that I would keep forbidding him to look at it, even if I wanted him too, because you will always be wondering if he is doing it. If you give him your permission though, and STICK TO IT, then you won't have to worry if he's being dishonest with you, because you told him it's ok.

 

Trust me, it's hard, but I've been there, and letting it go seems to me to be the most logical step. If you are not willing to leave him, then try to accept him for who he is...otherwise, you are going to make yourself miserable.

 

Just my 2 cents...and 2 cents ain't worth a lot

[vida]

Why do men have to look at other women? I am married and take care of my husband and our kids. i am open and honest with him. he used to tell me the truth after he got found out then he went into denial and now lies to me.

 

Why do men lie about looking at other women if they can't help it? Should I feel sorry for him? I feel really bad. I want to leave him. I don't want him or any other man to ever touch me again! I can never respect him for him lying to me and starting a family with me so I have no choice but to stay with him!

 

If men can't help but look at other women, then women should benefit from it. Then porn should be encouraged. That is not the case because porn is trash.

 

If men can't help but look at other women, then why does it take away from the wife? How can a wife respect her husband if he is just a dog?

 

Is it too much to ask my husband to not get excited if he sees an attractive woman? Or is it beyond his control?

[VivianLee]

My post isn't about being for or against porn.....I'm just asking...what good does porn do? What wonderful place does it truly have in our society other than a paycheck for some interesting (for lack of better words) people and for men/women to get off by?

 

I know, I know men are visual...blah, blah, blah....let em visualize the woman they have beside them! To me, when a man gets an erection when looking at the naked woman, he wants THAT woman...unless he is completely somehow replacing her face, body and vagina with his wifes (and most of your average wives don't have the privilege of airbrush and implants to enhance things), he's lusting and wanting to have sex with THAT woman.....the same goes for a woman looking at a man and getting aroused....

 

Now when looking at couples, I think it's safer to say that it's the act they are in that arouses the person to want to act that sexual act with their partner, maybe that can work for a couple.....at least that's the case for me if I see couples in the act, I'm aroused by the act not the couple...

 

However, people had no problem having some seriously good sex wwwwwaaayyyy before porn or easy access to nudes were ever around....

 

To me, from personal experience to reading the heartache of others on the forum.....what good is porn for a relationship or marriage other than just trouble???

[AprilFool]

Except causing jealousy and problems. If a man can look at porn out of boredom, then why can't he read a book out of boredom. Why can't he watch TV for fun, instead of a porno.

 

I don't particularly care for nude guy pics, but I look at them, because my husband looks at nude women pics. I figure if he's going to look at it, then I am too, even if I don't want to...that way, I don't have to feel betrayed, because I do it too.

 

I also get turned on by the act of porn. My husband doesn't seem to get turned on by nude women, but rather sex acts depicted in movies and pictures. He said that he looks at it out of boredom. I say look at something else!

 

However, it's a free country, and men can do what they want as long as their wives let them. The only control we have over our husbands is whether or not they have us as a wife. That's it; that's the only control we have. Therefore, since I don't feel like this is bad enough to leave him over, I chose to try to accept it and move on. What can we do? There have been numerous protests agains porn and pictures....Playboy even overcame such a protest just recently. As long as men want it, they'll get it. We can throw a fit, and go into depression, but it's not going to change anything as far as I can see. If we leave our husbands, they'll just find someone else, and we'll find someone else that looks at porn.

 

I say if your husband is good in every other husbandly aspect, try to let it go.

[InLoKo]

As a heterosexual woman, I can honestly say I enjoy porn. I've never had a problem with it nor with my partner watching it. I think it's healthy. Although I know most women don't think like me. I find it very liberating to enjoy porn as much as my partner. A few years ago, I deliberatley set out to view porn on the internet, as prior to that, I only found "straight" porn acceptable. I used to wince at anything else. Now, I have seen it all, weird and whacky alike. Some of it does nothing for me at all, but I can now appreciate even more that we are all different and anyway, who am I to judge.

[UCFKevin]

How many of these frigging posts are there going to be? There must be at LEAST ten other "He's looking at porn! He's cheating!" posts in this place. Read those! There is NOTHING new to be said or asked!

[moimeme]

The 'oh, no, my husband is looking at porn' threads are outnumbered only by the 'is my penis too small' threads and the 'could I be pregnant' threads.

[jessie]

Originally posted by UCFKevin

How many of these frigging posts are there going to be? There must be at LEAST ten other "He's looking at porn! He's cheating!" posts in this place. Read those! There is NOTHING new to be said or asked!

 

The other threads are great supporting topics. Similar, yet each is unique. A doctor would not necessarily prescribe the same medication for 2 heart patients with completely different histories.

[AprilFool]

I'll post a topic about porn, then a week later, I feel bad about him looking again. I am getting better, but I'm not cured. I will go back and read all the other porn topics, but if it doesn't help me to rid myself of the bad feelings, I post another thread. Posting a problem, and reading other people's responses is the best way for me to let things go.

 

If you don't like it, don't read it!

 

Personally, I'm glad that so many other women are posting about their husbands and porn...it is really helping me.

[InLoKo]

Originally posted by AprilFool

If you don't like it, don't read it!

 

 

Very well said!

[BadMan]

I think you women have major insecurities. Get over it. Porn isn't going away. I myself don't check out porn. I love good looking women on tv and stuff though. They don't need to be naked for me to appreciate them. I feel bad for you women who can't handle it. You won't be married long.

[vida]

If women would not let porn make them feel insecure, would they still respect men who use porn? The men are just as insecure because they have to live in a fantasy world where they won't get rejected. Maybe these couples are together for a reason and that is to work through and help each other. If a woman surpresses how she feels about porn or other issues it will come out in another form. They must talk and communicate with each other! How can anyone have a real relationship with porn involved? That is why it is called love-making, not f_ _ _ _ _ _.

 

Doesn't it seem that men who look at porn seem to be attracted to women who hate it and feel degraded by it? They should communicate to help each other and understand each other's pain. They should be able to trade places and feel what the other is feeling. Both husbands and wives should keep telling their spouses how they feel. If you can't be honest and don't feel heard by your spouse, then what kind of a marriage do you have? Can you really depend on them? and them on you?

 

If all men look at porn and degrade women, then women should marry for money if they can not have a real loving and totally faithful and positive sex-life and marriage. Even when people marry for money, they are never happy and still search for something better to fill up their lives.

 

Why don't women go to strip clubs to pick up men? Because they don't want to know what really goes on at those clubs. If that is what men do and it has no affect on their character, then why isn't everyone open about them? Why is there always crime around strip clubs? Why are women that act sexy targets for being victimized? If wives saw how their husbands acted at strip clubs and what they were talking about, would they still be proud of their husbands?

 

There is not one answer for everyone. Everyone has a brain and a conscience. They must use it to decide what they can control and focus on changing what they have control of.

 

You should start with yourself. If you can't be truthful with yourself, then how could you expect anyone else to trust you?

 

You shouldn't deny how you feel. You should analize your feelings and question why you feel the way you feel. Insecurity doesn't just make you feel bad about porn, some women accept it because they feel no other way. I do not know of anyone who has used porn to help their marriage long term. It does more harm than good.

 

Also, anyone think about the people who make porn? Are any of them happy and spiritually healthy? All of them have an abusive past and money is a motivator. I hear of people who use their talents to help other people, do porn stars ever do charity work using sex for the better good of humankind?

 

Please think about these things.

[VivianLee]

That is a very interesting approach to the whole "porn business"....I wonder if we had a poll called "Porn: Helps or Hinders a Marriage?" What the results would be. Plus I'd like to hear from some couples (at least 5) that have been married at least 15 to 20 years and have had no problem having porn as a part of their lives....

[JustBeinBlonde]

These men are too busy thinking with the wrong head. They're looking at silicone inflated, fake baked, dyed hair, liposucioned, empty headed women. Its just a bunch of unreal ink blots on paper. Men who look at porn are dumb.

 

Go in and draw mustaches on these airbrushed chicks, black out a few teeth or draw an arrow through one of her big fake boobs. Deflate his adolescent fantasy.

 

Grow up and live in the real world men, if indeed you are men. Women need to stop putting up with this immature crap. Its a waste of time and our money. Put the magazines to good use, use them as kinling or smash flies with them. Put them under you painting projects....ooops a big drip on her........ Whack your man over the head with them, you can anchor it into his nervous system that.... "Porn equals Pain."

[BadMan]

I'll say it again. Porn isn't going away. Get over it or get used to it.

Or complain for the rest of your life. What ever works for you.

[coldheart]

Porn good. Nosey Wives bad.

[JustBeinBlonde]

Originally posted by coldheart

Porn good. Nosey Wives bad.

 

A fine example of immaturity

 

Instead of buying porn, use that money to buy your wife a rose and get some real love.