Help, my wife is having an affair

[corp17]

Hello, I found out 2 days ago that my wife is having an affair. I have known in my heart things have not been right for quite a while, but she says the affair just started. I am having a very tough time dealing with this. We have been married 4 years and have been together for 7. We have a 2 year old child and just bought a house in Oct. We, like any relationship, have had difficulties in the past that we have worked through. I suggested we go to counseling and proceeded to make the appointment. She says she really really wants a divorce. I love her, and I know we have our problems. But to me marriage is very sacred. We were in love once, and that's why we vowed to spend the rest of our lives together as husband and wife, and that is why we brought a child into this world. For his sake, I believe we should at least try to work this out. However, I am very mixed on what I want. I believe we SHOULD be able to rekindle the love we once had. I have also lost love that I once had for her. Should that be a reason to stop trying to make it work, or should I dig deep and pull these feelings back out from where they've hidden? Or, being that she doesn't seem to want to even try to make it work should I just move on with life? Help me please, I do not know what to do. Thankyou in advance.

[Errol]

I'm so sorry that this is happening. If she wants a divorce and does not even want to try to work things out then for all of your sakes - let her go and move on. Don't drag out the pain. Love your child and be there for him - find a good attorney right away.

[wolvie]

she is unfaithful. she is open about it. You deserve better. dump her....quick.

[D-Lawyer.]

dump the bitch. go get a good lawyer. get proof of adultery. make her look bad and act like the jilted decent guy who is stuck with a tramp. Dont act angry. act morally outraged. act like your world has fallen apart. the court will buy it. Make her look like the wicked witch of the west. There wont be a dry eye in the jury.

 

you'll win the case.

[SoleMate]

To work on your marriage (yes, it is possible), try http://www.marriagebuilders.com.

 

Counselling is also an option.

 

And to the other posters...this woman, with all her mistakes, is his wife and the mother of his child, and he does love her. Calling her names does not equal providing supportive advice. Divorce may be where this ends up, but I would recommend that even divorce be pursued with respect and the best interests of the child at heart.

 

Good luck, corp17. Please post again and we'll try to round up some helpful advice and support for you.

[look forward]

This is awful and you must be devastated and your confusion is only natural but surely this is worth at least trying to salvage..

 

Consider counselling or some sort of marriage therapy because at the end of the day you took those vows which meant something to both of you.. surely its worth trying..

 

I hope things work out for you :-)

[Slybird]

Corp17, I have been where you are. Kind of still am.

 

First of all, no matter what, this isn't the end of the World. Nobody died. That sounds flip, but it's not. With that in mind, anything is still possible. In my case, I decided it was worth it to me - based on MY wants and what I thought was best for my kids - to try and keep it all together. Whether or not she wanted to stay did not come into it for me; I have no control over that.

 

I did not rush anything. I think as humans we want a quick resolution to all of our problems. And why not? They hurt, and we want it to stop. This can be counter-productive, though. It took a while for it to get to this point, and will take a while to get back out, right? Do not throw your anger in her face, do not constantly remind her of what she did wrong. That is all pointless: if she is smart, she already knows; if she ain't, she never will.

 

It's more all about being who you are, and who she is liable to lose. She needs to realize that losing you will be bad for her. Sounds pretty simple. eh? Well, it sounds a whole fook of a lot easier than it actually is. She may not realize it. She may be already "gone". The point is that you cannot control her or what she does. As soon as you try, you will lose. Remember that cheesy-ass line from that make-me-barf peom about "If you love someone then let them go, and they will return"? Well, it's TRUE.

 

You kind of sound like me. I really love my kids, really love my wife, although I screwed up a lot of things. Those things I did my level best to fix - and was mostly successful. I just went about being me. Sure, there were days when I lost my focus and didn't "let it be" like I wanted to. Remember that nothing has to happen RIGHT FORKING NOW! Anything major actually wait one more day. Certainly, you should not make any decisions - or allow any to be made - in an emotionally heated moment. Tell her that you will not participate in that, if it happens.

 

Get her into counseling. It is pretty damn essential. Make sure you get a good one. If you live near Chicago, I can recommend the one we used. A good counselor will be able to sort through your stuff, and will be able to tell each party when they need to possibly re-think something (that means "wrong", but without actually saying wrong). Remember that here, everyone's feelings are VALID. Yeah, she messed up by having a fling, but that is a symptom, not a cause.

 

During all of that for me, I kind of thought of myself as having the higher moral ground because I did not do what she did. It made me feel like I was the stronger one. It made me trust my heart and my head better. And I still believe it to be true.

 

So, this may or may not work for you. You may have decided it's not worth it. That is OK. It is your decision, after all. She may already be gone. Maybe she has lost all interest. You can't control that. In those cases, the earlier advice is the best: get it over quickly.