Am I crazy?

[Pocahantas]

Here goes.Sorry if this is long and rambling,but I need to paint the whole picture.I have been in a long term relationship for over 15 yrs to a sweet and loving man. Live together.No children. Committed and loyal to each other.In fact, the couple others always look to as the ones with the great relationship.And I felt that way also, love him, and never considered we would not be together for the rest of our lives.

My other half and I quite active and involved with a mtn. biking club and get together with the same group of people about once a month or so to race,try out new trails, hang out,camp, etc.We consider these people to be some of our dearest friends and spend a lot of time with them

One of the friends,I’ll call F, is single male, my age.He is not involved with anyone,never married, and has not been in a relationship, or dated for a number of years.In general, he is shy and quiet, but is friendly and engaging around friends.He does have a lot of friends, but is mostly estranged from his family.He is very guarded about his life and feelings, & shuts down & clams up easily and quickly.Even though he has many friends, he is not forthcoming about himself and tends to be a loner.One of our mutual friends(that has been friends w/ him much longer than I ) commented to me recently about how F can just shut you off if you get too close.

Over the past year or so, F and I have become very close and he does confide in me much more than he does other people.He has shared with me some of his past that was very painful and its helped me to understand why he shuts down in such an immediate way.I don’t think he has been this close or trusting of another person in a very long time,if ever.He told me some of the things he talks to me about he has not shared with his best friend from childhood.

So its not my imagination or fantasy that F and I are very close.There are things I have shared with him that I don’t talk to other people about

About 10 months or so ago,our friends were together for a w/end and out of the blue, it hit me, like I hit a wall, holy smokes, I have real feelings for F.I tried to put it out of my head, and ignore it.For several months.Then after my feelings continued to intensify, I decided I needed to let those feelings develop.It was a heart wrenching decision for me because I want to be true to my other half(OH) but if I was honestly having feelings for someone else I needed allow that possibility to exist because never in any way shape or form had I experienced anything remotely to what I was experiencing so I needed to be true to myself.

I did not say anything to F, and just let the friendship move at its own pace.I felt that he had developed feelings for me and I was willing to let him move at his own pace as well.F always behaved differently and treated me differently than other friends in our group, and way different than other females.The tone of his voice usually changes when he’s talking to me, he always makes it a point to sit by me, bike behind me,etc.When I get cold, often he brings me an extra sweater(his) or adds wood to the fire.When we all meet for a w/end he brings me(& only me) all sorts of things from cupcakes & books to new wool socks & dvd’s he wants me to watch.

Over the past year or so, we email daily, many, many emails.He emails me when he gets home, and more.He emails me and asks me to call him.And we talk on the phone for hours and hours, as often as 5 hours.Usually at least 2 or more, weekly.

We do live 5 hrs apart but he lives a 1.5 hrs from my parents and when I visit them, he wants to meet and go for a hike or something.

Sometimes when he emails me,I see a pattern in that maybe I am not as responsive, I am busy, or he is just consumed, but many,many ,many times he has emailed me 10 times in a row,things I would be interested in,links to sites,etc.Poetry,etc.Sometimes just emails he is sharing about his life, but over and over.So I know that I must be on his brain, he wants to share with me.Sometimes his emails are more provocative and slightly indecent, videos of naked women swimming in a place I want to visit, a few pictures of naked women that turn him on, and some very erotic literature.

Some of our phone conversations, F has moved the conversation in that direction, but has never gone too far or gotten out of line.Not that I would have minded.

So, I realized a few months ago that I am actually in love with F.I decided to tell him about 7 weeks ago after he seemed to want to get closer to me.When I told him, he said he had no clue, not even a little that was how I felt.(I did not use the L word, just said very strong romantic feelings.)He backed off and became distant during the call, and then warmed right back up.Asked me when,how, why, I felt this way.He also said it wasn’t going to go anywhere with us, he would never take another man’s girl and he had chosen to be celibate for now and would not involve himself with anyone.But he asked a lot of questions, and laughed, and wanted to know if I ever had fantasies about him.During the call, he also said that he wondered if our other friends thought something was going on between us, and he did not want any drama, and others to find out,and I said if this isn’t going anywhere, why would there be drama.After the call that lasted hours, I wrote him a letter and emphasized my very strong feelings and thoughts.I did not ask him nor did he offer, how he felt about me.I already knew the answer, he felt the same.Since my confession, our relationship has not changed.The calls and emails and gifts continued.I have seen him since, I thought he would tell me in person how he felt.But he did not

Well, the other day, I thought, you know, am I just love-struck and crazy or does he have feelings for me?So I called him and asked him.He clammed up and said he already told me we were not going anywhere from here and his life is on hold and he does not want to be involved that way.I told him that I know all that but he needed to tell me if he had true feelings for me, that we are adults, and we could deal with the decision we make about where to go from here, but he needed to tell me how he felt.He said in no way does he have romantic feelings for me, we are only friends and how could I think he felt otherwise?I did not say to him, but my thought was “well, you come up behind me, play with my hair, want to know why I smell good, squeeze me & pull me tight when you hug me,lower your voice to this sweet tone when talking to me,put a hat on my head when it rains, and come up and button my coat when the wind blows, that’s why!!!

He told me that when he has feelings for a girl, he puts it on a shelf, and when he is around that girl, he keeps his distance.And he keeps his distance emotionally from her.He said he thought that since I was attached, I was safe to be close with.I thought “what about the other 8 women that are attached that we hang with, you don’t button their coats!”

I pressed him about it, and told him that I thought he was a)not willing to admit it to me because he thought he may get hurt(like in his past) or b) he had not even admitted it to himself.

Needless to say, it was a very strained and difficult conversation.Several weeks ago, I jokingly said to him something about unrequited love(talking about me loving him) and yesterday he said to me “I can tell you what this is not, because I have been there, and that’s unrequited love.”I said for me it is, and he said “uh, oh yeah, for you it is, but not for me.”

He did stress several times that he does not have feelings for me and never once has he thought that way about me and girls he has feelings for will never ever know it because he won’t let them.And I am not one of those girls because he pays attention to me.

I don’t know where I go from here.I don’t know how I could be such a fool as to think that someone that I have traded over 2500 emails with in 10 months and sends me videos with animals saying “I love you” does not actually have any romantic feelings for me.

Of course, my heart is broken.And I am more confused than ever because I allowed myself the freedom to love someone else based on only our friendship and he does not fee the same?I don’t know where to go from here.If I did not have responsibilities , I would just move to hut in Mongolia away from this pain.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Unless you are planning on leaving your SO, it is incredibly unfair of you to coerce "romantic feelings/love" out of someone else. Let's say he is in love with you, and tells you. Are you going to tell him that you love him but can't ever leave your SO? I have to be honest here - unless you are leaving your SO, you don't really have that much to offer and he is right for keeping you at a distance until you actually do.

[Pocahantas]

Please know that I am not trying to coerce anyone, I only want to be sure that he is being forthcoming with me(because he often shuts down totally.)

Would I leave my SO?I don't know,maybe yes, and I am trying to figure that out and how to move ahead and make the best informed decision, that's all.I am very confused.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Making an informed decision cannot happen until all parties are informed.

 

Your SO needs to be aware what you are doing, so he can make his own informed decision.

[Pocahantas]

Thank you for your help,but right now, that is not going to happen,

[SadandConfusedWA]

I read your story (paragraphs would be helpful in the future), and it sounds like your friend has very similar personality type to me (note: I am a girl though).

 

You really need to consider that he may be telling the truth and that he doesn't have romantic feelings for you. In my case, I always found it much easier to relax and open up to men that I had no attraction to than those that I do. I had male friends that I was very close to, yet felt no romantic interest for whatsoever. If for example I am at a party and there are two guys there, one that I have romantic feelings for and other that I am just friends with; I will always spend my evening next to the guy that I am just friends with. Simply because I am more comfortable and less anxious around "just friend". Other people and even "just friend" would generally read this wrongly and think that the guy I am around the most is the one I want (which is completly not the case). It seems like this is what your friend is telling you.

 

As for why he is not as close to other females in your group: it could be that he simply can not relate to them or even that they are not as open to friendship as you are. For me there are three groups of people: people I can only relate to on a supeficial level, people that I can be close friends with and people that I have romantic interest in. Perhaps your friend thinks that other females in your group belong in the first category and you in the second.

 

I can completly relate to how painful it is to have unrequited feelings for someone, but you need to accept reality and take what he is saying at face value.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Thank you for your help,but right now, that is not going to happen,

 

That is unfortunate. Are you holding on to your SO in case this with the OM doesn't work out? Wouldn't you want to know if someone was using you as a backup plan in case they couldn't be with the person they really wanted to be with?

 

At any rate, what you are doing to OM is as unfair as what you are doing to your SO. If you want OM to show you how he really feels, you are going to have to show him that you are serious about how you feel and gently break things off with your SO (which would probably be a good idea - if you love him, don't you want him to be able to find someone with whom he would be the first choice and not the default?) and then tell OM that you are truly available and want a relationship with him.

 

Even if OM says 'no' you still would have done the right thing: cut your SO loose so that he can find someone who will hold him at a higher priority, and you will cut yourself loose so that you can find someone who will be a higher priority to you.

 

Holding on to one man while leading on another is not going to help any of you.

[Pocahantas]

Again, thank you for your reply.

 

I am not holding on to my SO in case this doesn't work out.I am with my SO because I love him.Of course I do not want to hurt him but I am in a place I never knew I could be,ever, and trying to deal with it the best way I can.

 

In some ways, I think you may be judging me too harshly.I have always been and continue to be a loving partner to my SO.I have not ever had an type of inappropriate thought about another person since we have been together much less anything else.I want to do what is best for all of us but I don't know what that is.So please bear with me and help me understand one situation at a time.

The possibility of leaving my SO is different than understanding the feelings and actions of F.

[Pocahantas]

Sad & Confused, thank you for your reply.

 

While I understand F. may feel closer to me than other female friends in general, what about the other sutff?

He is close to some of the othre females in our group and has known some of them much longer than I.He interacts and talks with them, does not hold back being outgoing.

What I don't understand is why he is stands 6 inches from me(when others are not close) and buttons my coat,zips my sweater,rubs up against me, trys to get physically close to me.

I don't want you to think I have blinders on, I know he may be telling me the truth.

But he does have a large problem with being very emotionally closed off.There are things he does not share with the group that most people could not imagine a person would not share with close friends,things like he went to medical school & decided it wasn't for him.He was in the Peace Corps.Those kind of things you share with close friends and he doesn't.

So if he doesn't share that, would he tell me how he feels if he was scared of getting hurt.

He almost married a girl and she left him for a coworker.I think that is a great deal of his pain but he also has a chronic(manageable) disease and I think that may affect his outlook also.

And to your male friends, would you send erotic poems to them or play with their hair?

[westrock]

What I don't understand is why he is stands 6 inches from me(when others are not close) and buttons my coat,zips my sweater,rubs up against me, trys to get physically close to me.

 

What you are describing in your postings is an emotional affair. Usually an emotional affair occurs because you have unfilfilled emotional needs that your SO is not meeting but instead F is filling those needs. Ask yourself what is your SO not doing for you at an emotional level that F is doing. People who love their SO as you claim would immediately object to that kind behavior from a third person. How would you feel if some woman was acting that way with your SO?

 

I have always been and continue to be a loving partner to my SO.I have not ever had an type of inappropriate thought about another person since we have been together much less anything else.I want to do what is best for all of us but I don't know what that is.

Does your SO know about the 2500 emails you have exchanged with F? If not, you need to sit down and have a talk with your SO. Although F is filling some emotional need for you, you need to acknowledge that F is toxic to the well being of your relationship with your SO. If you love your SO as you claim, then you should avoid F at all costs and instead focus all that energy towards working on your relationship with your SO.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

In some ways, I think you may be judging me too harshly.I have always been and continue to be a loving partner to my SO.I have not ever had an type of inappropriate thought about another person since we have been together much less anything else.I want to do what is best for all of us but I don't know what that is.So please bear with me and help me understand one situation at a time.

 

I do not feel you have been judged too harshly at all... If you truly wanted to deal with one situation at a time you should have posted only about your relationship with F. Oh, but your SO does play a role in F's ability and desire to move forward with however he (may) feel...

 

YOU MUST FINISH ONE RELATIONSHIP IN IT'S ENTIRELY BEFORE STARTING ANOTHER!

 

At this point, it's honestly totally irrelevant if F is interested or not. You should either:

1) eliminate all contact with F ASAP;

2) tell your SO about EVERYTHING thus far so that you and SO can determine how to proceed (it's really not too bad thus far in my opinion, it's just that you want it to go further); or

3) leave your SO and after completely severing that relationship, determine if a relationship with F, or any other man (believe me there are literally thousands of fish in the ocean of eligible men).

 

I can see no other choice where you can maintain your integrity from here going forward; you integrity is already questionable since you let it get this far, but obviously very salvageable with just a little honesty and the decision to take a step in the right direction.

 

I must say that attraction to the opposite sex is totally natural, and the position you are in is not all that unusual; what you choose to do from here is the true test. There are no chance experiences in life; EVERYTHING happens with a purpose. There is a reason you posted here.

 

Good Luck!

[fiatflux]

Pocahontas,

 

I think he does have those feelings for you--he just is either in denial or hiding his feelings from you purposefully because of the very real barrier that exists. I think getting further involved with you must be completely against his moral code and that's why he feels he can't be honest with you about it.

[Pocahantas]

The more I have pondered this over the last week, the more I think he does also.Personally I believe that sometimes actions speak louder than words.

[SadandConfusedWA]

The more I have pondered this over the last week, the more I think he does also.Personally I believe that sometimes actions speak louder than words.

 

People have a VERY hard time resisting what they passionately want to do. If it was "against his moral code" he would have put up a barrier a lot sooner and wouldn't have gotten so emotionally close. Obvously he felt safe in getting close, probably because he is not physically/sexually attracted to you.

[O'Malley]

So where are you planning to go with this? Do you believe your boyfriend will not sense that you're withdrawing from him?

 

He told me that when he has feelings for a girl, he puts it on a shelf, and when he is around that girl, he keeps his distance.And he keeps his distance emotionally from her.

 

and girls he has feelings for will never ever know it because he won’t let them.

 

I would not discount the above as merely due to fear of getting involved with someone in a relationship. You've given him opportunities and he rejects them. It appears to be indicative of his life in general.

 

Attraction doesn't mean a desire for a romantic relationship in his case and you may realize that all he's willing to give you is what he provides now.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Also, don't you think that if really had feelings for you and it bothered him that you are with someone else, he would have said something along the lines :"if you were single, things might have been different". Yet there was no hint in his words of anything other than he just doesn't have feelings for you.

 

And when words and actions don't match the rule of thumb is to listen to more negative of the two. Actions only speak louder than words when words are positive but actions lack. When words are negative, you shouldn't even be looking at the actions. Words and actions must MATCH for you to really have something.