Never let a girl you date hang out with men

[Green]

If she's out with a mixed group of people from, say, work at some sort of after work function, that's one thing; however, setting aside one-on-one time is asking for trouble. People bond socially when they're together, and when it's male-female there's always the chance it could go farther than just casual conversation. Biology never takes a break; it's always trying to hook people up even when the mind says it's not a good idea. Of course the danger isn't that anything would happen right there in broad daylight; the danger is that the social bonding might become so addictive that it might lead to more clandestine encounters.

 

But H1N1 what if hanging out in a group isn't enough shouldn't gf/wives have the right to demand alone time with their male friends both new and old... lol

[meerkat stew]

I am kinda focused on my surroundings and actually having lunch than pulling the guy I'm having lunch up from his chair and shagging him on the table (excuse my crudeness).

 

The straw man is funny, but doesn't really add to the discussion. Every sexual liasion other than a ONS begins with a pattern of non-sexual contact.

 

No GF I've ever had has ever been comfortable with me spending time with -any- other woman alone (they don't ban me, they just make my life miserable), friend or no, so why should my GFs be able to hang with their male "friends" alone? I'm going more to the Green camp the more I read here and think about it.

[tami-chan]

The straw man is funny, but doesn't really add to the discussion. Every sexual liasion other than a ONS begins with a pattern of non-sexual contact.

 

No GF I've ever had has ever been comfortable with me spending time with -any- other woman alone (they don't ban me, they just make my life miserable), friend or no, so why should my GFs be able to hang with their male "friends" alone? I'm going more to the Green camp the more I read here and think about it.

 

 

It's not that they did not trust you, Stew....they did not trust the other women...!!!!

[BG1985]

I agree with you Meerkat. I thought that Green was being a hater at first, but some other people have made great arguments to sway me toward siding with Green. I suppose it sucks not seeing your friend of the opposite sex as much when you are in a relationship, but a true friend would be happy and would want to avoid sabotaging any relationships.

[Green]

I agree with you Meerkat. I thought that Green was being a hater at first, but some other people have made great arguments to sway me toward siding with Green. I suppose it sucks not seeing your friend of the opposite sex as much when you are in a relationship, but a true friend would be happy and would want to avoid sabotaging any relationships.

 

Meerkat along with others much better articulated and defended my points. To see some of the people arguing me was shocking like it was Pinktoes I believe who had no problem with her bf haveing weekly alone time at some womans apartmen. said her spidey senses didn't tingle.. lol

[threebyfate]

I just don't see why people feel the need to go to lunch with a member of the opposite sex when they are in a relationship. If I know a girl is in a relationship, I wouldn't platonically ask her to go to lunch with me. It's inappropriate. If you want to see an old friend that badly, then just bring your bf/gf with you and they can meet. Would you want a boyfriend to exclude you from hanging out with him and his long-time "friend?" Would you want your boyfriend to block out two hours on one night per week so that he and his "friend" can do whatever it is they do?

This happens often, within a business environment. Not only do you go for lunch, you go for drinks and also for dinner, particularly if you're networking or wooing a new client. It's not only expected, it's necessary.

 

I honestly can't fathom having difficulties separating business from pleasure, platonic from romantic and being unable to keep it in my pants. It's called Maturity 101 and maintaining personal boundaries of respectful behaviour within a committed relationship.

[Green]

This happens often, within a business environment. Not only do you go for lunch, you go for drinks and also for dinner, particularly if you're networking or wooing a new client. It's not only expected, it's necessary.

 

I honestly can't fathom having difficulties separating business from pleasure, platonic from romantic and being unable to keep it in my pants. It's called Maturity 101 and maintaining personal boundaries of respectful behaviour within a committed relationship.

 

networking and going to a private social lunch are very easy to seperate. Its not dificult to separate. maybe if you work at a strip club its imposible to seperate, but if your at a business there will be a clear difference. Seriously the problem with you is you just expect magical boundaries or are unwilling to admit to the boundaries that should exist

[meerkat stew]

It's not that they did not trust you, Stew....they did not trust the other women...!!!!

 

You know what they really say? "It's not the sexual prospect, but you being emotionally connected to another woman." Guess I'm not as good in bed as I think I am

[BG1985]

I understand with business, and with business you often don't have a choice. As for having a platonic lunch, I just don't see why a single guy or a single girl would think it's appropriate to be meeting a married woman or man out for a one-on-one lunch. Why take a risk in having something develop?

[Itzo]

I'm sorry, but I disagree. I have made many friends with attractive people who share common interests while still keeping to my code of relationship ethics. When I "feel it" it is in the form of needing to make sure they know there is no chance in hell.

"I'm feeling I need to set this guy straight about my status before he makes an complete ass out of himself"

 

Cheating is also a choice. I know it feels nice to the ego to believe you can make someone ignore their standards, but if you were achieve this, all you'd be gaining is someone who never really had standards to begin with. It was never your ability to attract or make someone "lose control", it was that they had no control and you pushed their buttons necessary to indicate you didn't care they jump from one person to the next.

 

Whatever you think is right, it is in your reality!

Wherever you set the boundaries to your reality is where my beigns.

I study psychology & human behavior, I've experienced some of the concepts I shared with you ... and I know they work. I am keep testing this stuff, because it fascinates me.

 

Some men can MAKE a woman to be interested in them, it is a skill that can be developed over the years. It is fun!

There are patterns of behavior that is common to all women. It is like a code or another language of communication ... sub-communication if you will.

 

So do not tell me that you have control over your attraction mechanisms, if so you really need to get in touch with yourself, because you may not understand your true nature, because of social conditioning.

[carhill]

So do not tell me that you have control over your attraction mechanisms, if so you really need to get in touch with yourself, because you may not understand your true nature, because of social conditioning.

 

 

 

 

[Citizen Erased]

If I know a guy is attracted to me, that the potential is there for them to try and make a move, I don't hang out with him if I have a boyfriend. Clearly that's no friendship and it's disrespectful to my bf to tolerate that.

[Itzo]

If I know a guy is attracted to me, that the potential is there for them to try and make a move, I don't hang out with him if I have a boyfriend. Clearly that's no friendship and it's disrespectful to my bf to tolerate that.

 

Being faithful is always nice

If you weren't in a good relationship with your bf, then you would hang out with that person, if you feel the attraction.

 

You can be in love with more than one man ... even if you are happy with that person you are right now, you will still find somebody to be attracted to. This is where confusion takes place ... the one with stronger influence on you will MAKE you be with him*

[Itzo]

Citizen Erased: If I know a guy is attracted to me, that the potential is there for them to try and make a move, I don't hang out with him if I have a boyfriend.

 

I agree, but I am not talking about if A GUY IS attracted to you ...

I am talking about when YOU ARE attracted to that GUY.

[Citizen Erased]

I agree, but I am not talking about if A GUY IS attracted to you ...

I am talking about when YOU ARE attracted to that GUY.

It is inevitable that we find others apart from our SO attractive, I have faith in myself and I'd hope the guy I'm with would trust me to never put myself in the position to get close to another guy. It's not just about if physically you are attracted to them, it's if you allow things to progress further beyond that. The whole point of having a boyfriend is that you have them to satisfy you emotionally, and sexually of course. No amount of sex appeal will steer me away from someone I am wholeheartedly in love with. I suspect those that do cheat in that manner weren't that in love with their SO to begin with.

 

Again, I would not put myself in that situation, to be alone with another guy especially if I am attracted to him, as it is disrespectful to my guy. I'm pretty black and white on this type of thing.

[Itzo]

It is inevitable that we find others apart from our SO attractive, I have faith in myself and I'd hope the guy I'm with would trust me to never put myself in the position to get close to another guy. It's not just about if physically you are attracted to them, it's if you allow things to progress further beyond that. The whole point of having a boyfriend is that you have them to satisfy you emotionally, and sexually of course. No amount of sex appeal will steer me away from someone I am wholeheartedly in love with. I suspect those that do cheat in that manner weren't that in love with their SO to begin with.

 

Again, I would not put myself in that situation, to be alone with another guy especially if I am attracted to him, as it is disrespectful to my guy. I'm pretty black and white on this type of thing.

 

Agree, it make sense!

I was not refering always to sex though ...

I am not trying to convince you about anything... I do not have to

Perhaps you never was in a situation when you are attracted to another person while having a successful relationship with your bf. I do not wish such confusing thing to happen with ya.

 

All I am just saying here is that this sometimes happens. If the attraction to your bf is stronger, and this is satisfying your emotional & sexual needs, you will not cheat, because threre is no reason for it.

But if there is something that you do not feel satisfied in your relationship, you WILL LOOK for it subconsciously in another place. This is inevitable!

 

There is an interesting book about this topic called, Sperm Wars - Infidelity, Sexual Conflict, and Other Bedroom Battles by Robin Baker.

It is an interesting book, perhaps not for you, but for other people who are reading this post

Edited January 27, 2010 by Itzo

[sally4sara]

Whatever you think is right, it is in your reality!

Wherever you set the boundaries to your reality is where my beigns.

I study psychology & human behavior, I've experienced some of the concepts I shared with you ... and I know they work. I am keep testing this stuff, because it fascinates me.

 

Some men can MAKE a woman to be interested in them, it is a skill that can be developed over the years. It is fun!

There are patterns of behavior that is common to all women. It is like a code or another language of communication ... sub-communication if you will.

 

So do not tell me that you have control over your attraction mechanisms, if so you really need to get in touch with yourself, because you may not understand your true nature, because of social conditioning.

 

There is no reason to insult me for having standards.

And NO, no one can MAKE anyone do anything they wouldn't do in the first place. This is just more of this new trend I keep seeing of people who want to believe they are special for no apparent reason. All you're doing is dealing with unscrupulous individuals if you're getting results. You would have to be behaving slimy to try for folks in relationships and you are trying for folks that would cheat anyway. The people who wouldn't respond wouldn't lend you the time to try because we are NOT naive and can SMELL you.

[Itzo]

There is no reason to insult me for having standards.

And NO, no one can MAKE anyone do anything they wouldn't do in the first place. This is just more of this new trend I keep seeing of people who want to believe they are special for no apparent reason. All you're doing is dealing with unscrupulous individuals if you're getting results. You would have to be behaving slimy to try for folks in relationships and you are trying for folks that would cheat anyway. The people who wouldn't respond wouldn't lend you the time to try because we are NOT naive and can SMELL you.

 

Apparently you cannot be loved by everyone!

There will be always people who are against your ideas, concepts & experiences. It is inevitable.

 

Having STANDARDS is a pure social conditioning. I do not trust them.

You must look beyond the critical point to understand where I am coming from.

 

That's funny, you can smell me? You can never be so far from the truth!

[sally4sara]

Apparently you cannot be loved by everyone!

There will be always people who are against your ideas, concepts & experiences. It is inevitable.

 

Having STANDARDS is a pure social conditioning. I do not trust them.

You must look beyond the critical point to understand where I am coming from.

 

That's funny, you can smell me? You can never be so far from the truth!

 

I just mean that I can tell when a guy is attracted to me and trying to undermine my relationship. That wouldn't be a friend and for that reason, there would be no point in hanging out with them, alone or otherwise. People are not really subtle. Some like to think they are. Others pretend the signs are subtle to be polite or to avoid conflict. I would delight in calling a tomcat out for trying. Let him look for his next meal elsewhere......

When a guy knows I'm in a relationship and tries anyway, it pisses me off. It is a direct insult to my character and my partner.

 

Why on Earth would someone like myself stick around to look beyond this very critical point? I am not some helpless twit having the vapors.

[Itzo]

I just mean that I can tell when a guy is attracted to me and trying to undermine my relationship. That wouldn't be a friend and for that reason, there would be no point in hanging out with them, alone or otherwise. People are not really subtle. Some like to think they are. Others pretend the signs are subtle to be polite or to avoid conflict. I would delight in calling a tomcat out for trying. Let him look for his next meal elsewhere......

When a guy knows I'm in a relationship and tries anyway, it pisses me off. It is a direct insult to my character and my partner.

 

Why on Earth would someone like myself stick around to look beyond this very critical point? I am not some helpless twit having the vapors.

 

You do not 'listen' to what I am saying.

 

I just mean that I can tell when a guy is attracted to me and trying to undermine my relationship.

 

I am NOT talking about when a guy is attracted to you ...

I am talking about when YOU ARE attracted to a guy while still you are in a relationship.

 

It may happen, because you think you get to choose your partners ... well you are not really doing it. You choose your bf based on the way he makes you feel, this doesn't mean you are making a choice, simply because feelings change over time as well as people. Perhaps the word I used "choose" was not the one I was looking for, but ALMOST EVERY guy can make you feel in a way your boyfriend did. AND ALMOST ALL OF THEM do not know how in the first place. My word here is that there is NO such thing as a 'special person.' It is a concept, something people agree to believe in. It doesn't mean it is true. Perhaps you were conditioned from a little girl with stories & romantic novels about the PERFECT MAN that rides on a white horse or whatever

 

According to this:

When a guy knows I'm in a relationship and tries anyway, it pisses me off. It is a direct insult to my character and my partner.

 

People look after things they cannot have. If you were them ... you would do the same thing, it is a different thing, if you do not want to admit it to yourself. If fact they act needy ... this has nothing to do with building attraction in women. Perhaps it pisses you off, because you feel insecured about yourself & your relationship ... and when it pisses you off, you have this mixed feeling of anger & worry about that it might happen again. People use anger, because they are afraid of THAT THING to not happened again in the future.

 

If you look beyond the critical point, you will see another perspective & your beliefs will begin to change. In fact, most people do not know, but the beliefs should be flexible, if not ... they will stopping you from achieving things that are outside your own reality.

 

The only limits people possess are the ones they set to themselves, in a form of standards, styles, point of view, even fears & frustrations.

[H1N1]

It is inevitable that we find others apart from our SO attractive,

 

This is true, in my opinion, and I don't necessarily think it's alarming in and of itself. But it's because of this reality that we ought to exercise caution.

 

I have faith in myself and I'd hope the guy I'm with would trust me to never put myself in the position to get close to another guy.

 

I think a lot of people do trust their partners on one level; it's the biological and psychological reality that people should not trust. This has come up before in my current relationship. A mutual female friend of ours - actually the one who introduced us - wanted to take me out to lunch on more than one occasion. I don't think she wanted to make a move on me; I think that she was going through some hard times and she just wanted to confide in me about some things because we used to talk more before she introduced me to my current partner. In any case, I always made it a point to invite my girlfriend. It's just disrespectful not to.

[Green]

Sally4Sara completely misses the point in this thread and argues silly absolutes I never put in question. I think I agree with Itzo but he takes the concept past what I was willing to think about. I think it would take a miracle to get all the Sally4Saras of the world to look past what you call the critical point. She does come from a stance of anger and fear.

[sally4sara]

You do not 'listen' to what I am saying.

 

I am talking about when YOU ARE attracted to a guy while still you are in a relationship.

 

YOU do not listen. I am perfectly capable of policing my own actions even around attractive people. I stated earlier that I have made real friendships with attractive people who I share interests with WITHOUT being a slave to my nether region.

It is called having standards, integrity, being true to your word.

If I met someone who was so truly compatible with me that it made my current relationship pale in comparison, my SO and I would have a serious talk and end things. I would not cheat. I do not sneak and no one scares me so bad that I will lie to them. We all seek someone truely compatible with us. If that isn't our current partner - we are not suppose to continue wasting their (or our own) time because they are not ready to seek a more appropriate partner than ourselves at a time convenient to our having met someone better suited to ourself.

 

This is what I said earlier. You cannot WILL compatibility and relationship success. You cannot ensure it by removing any perceived competition. You have either met the most appropriate person for you and they you, or you have not. If they are not, someone who is would be a better fit - even if someone else wishes they were the better fit.

 

Ca Sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future is not ours to see.....

so don't try to control what you never had control over in the first place. Control yourself - you will find more success.

[sally4sara]

Sally4Sara completely misses the point in this thread and argues silly absolutes I never put in question. I think I agree with Itzo but he takes the concept past what I was willing to think about. I think it would take a miracle to get all the Sally4Saras of the world to look past what you call the critical point. She does come from a stance of anger and fear.

 

You come from anger and fear. You think you can control everything and everyone around you and orcastrate life's outcomes. You cannot.

I already know this and find peace in accepting it. Nothing to fear because whatever happens will pass too.

[Green]

YOU do not listen. I am perfectly capable of policing my own actions even around attractive people. I stated earlier that I have made real friendships with attractive people who I share interests with WITHOUT being a slave to my nether region.

 

Yes he has listened. This thread isn't about a girl not capable of policing her own actions. Unless your definition of a real friendship is emulating a significant-other relationship minus sex/kissing then great.

 

It is called having standards, integrity, being true to your word. If I met someone who was so truly compatible with me that it made my current relationship pale in comparison, my SO and I would have a serious talk and end things. I would not cheat. I do not sneak and no one scares me so bad that I will lie to them.

 

Yes I agree standards, integrity ect. are important. If you met some one who was truely compatible that made your current relationship pale through social alone time that is CHEATING. If this is even a posibility then you are using your current relationship as a platform because with this attitude you will meet some one who in your mind is better eventualy.

 

We all seek someone truely compatible with us. If that isn't our current partner - we are not suppose to continue wasting their (or our own) time because they are not ready to seek a more appropriate partner than ourselves at a time convenient to our having met someone better suited to ourself.

 

If you are still seeking some one truely compatible I sugest you shouldn't be in a marriage or seriouse relationship, just break up at that point.

 

This is what I said earlier. You cannot WILL compatibility and relationship success. You cannot ensure it by removing any perceived competition. You have either met the most appropriate person for you and they you, or you have not. If they are not, someone who is would be a better fit - even if someone else wishes they were the better fit.

 

This thread isn't about ensuring or removing competition. A girl who refuses to stop alone time should just be dumped. If she agrees to that you havn't removed the competition just beat it. I mean you can be married to a woman for years and then all of a sudden she wants to go on private outings and meals with Ed from the gym. The competition is never gone just because you set a boundary it just removes uneeded drama.

 

Ca Sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future is not ours to see.....

so don't try to control what you never had control over in the first place. Control yourself - you will find more success.

 

You can't control the future but you can make plans in the present, time exists in more places then one, relize this for more success