FryFish Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 You have no understanding of this.I have a great deal of understanding in this. We might have a common interest in something. Imagine that. So? That doesnt change anything. You can pursue that interest without emulating dates or the need for any alone time. Do men have unattractive female friends? This just about sums it up... the only unattractive female friends I have ever had were "forced" or "friends by default" friendships due to them being friends of whoever I was dating... Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 My thinking is if I have a boyfriend, why do I need a male friend? I'm not talking about co-workers or men you visit with but always in groups or always in public. I'm talking about a one-on-one relationship with a man. I don't think a woman in a relationship should be spending time alone with another man. Yes, this applies to men also. I've never had a male friend who didn't want to transition to something romantic or sexual. When I said "I'm not interested," they all stopped being my "friend." So shouldn't I conclude that was their intent all along? Is that what other men are doing when they befriend women. Do men have unattractive female friends? I've also never understood the purpose of being friends with exes. That's your experience though. There are many platonic opposite sex friendships which work because they are based on friendship, and that alone. If I'd had a friend who happened to be male, for 'x' number of years, who I saw on a one-on-one basis I wouldn't want to stop being friends with said person because I got a boyfriend. That's like saying 'I'm no longer single, so you're of no use to me.' It's wrong on all levels. Many people remain friends with exes because they broke up on a mutual understanding, that while they don't work on a romantic level, they do work on a friend level. Sometimes, they enrich your life in ways that you can't just turn them away from your life, and why should you? Because someone else wants to lay their insecurities at your door, and act like it's your fault they feel said way? Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 In your world everybody is an alpha or a beta, right? I'm an alpha-beta or you can call me a gamma.Silly beta. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 If I'd had a friend who happened to be male, for 'x' number of years, who I saw on a one-on-one basis I wouldn't want to stop being friends with said person because I got a boyfriend.Who said anything about having to stop being friends with him? Your relationship just has to stop emulating the relationship of a couple. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 I've also never understood the purpose of being friends with exes. Double your age, add in some kids and grandkids, shake well Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Who said anything about having to stop being friends with him? Your relationship just has to stop emulating the relationship of a couple. Most people who are friends do not act like a couple, you act like friends. In the end, provided all people involved (not outsiders looking in) know the truth, it doesn't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Its understandable that you dont see the issue clearly but that is because your "friendships" have been with male backburners... That is, betas who go out of their way to make YOU feel special... Guess what... You are the object of their desire and the "enrichment" is not a two way street... 99.9 percent of the time anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Can any guy here HONESTLY say that they actually enjoyed the last time they got to sit and listen to some girl bitch and whine about this or that? That's a straw man, I have many female friends, very attractive, whom are every bit as funny and good in conversation as I am, who never bore me with whining (nor vice versa), and who are just a blast to be around. I find them attractive, some of them are stunning, but once you get to a certain age and experience, you don't immediately condition all your interactions with the opposite sex on raw sexuality, and it's not a matter of diminished capacity, I'm horny as I ever was. There's some thinking, sometimes lots of thinking, between simple sexual attraction and the desire to act on it for many people, men and women. Thinking that men are in permanent leg humping mode, constantly a slave to our sexual desire, is insulting and stereotyping to men. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 That's a straw man, I have many female friends, very attractive, whom are every bit as funny and good in conversation as I am, who never bore me with whining (nor vice versa), and who are just a blast to be around. I find them attractive, some of them are stunning, but once you get to a certain age and experience, you don't immediately condition all your interactions with the opposite sex on raw sexuality, and it's not a matter of diminished capacity, I'm horny as I ever was. There's some thinking, sometimes lots of thinking, between simple sexual attraction and the desire to act on it for many people, men and women. Thinking that men are in permanent leg humping mode, constantly a slave to our sexual desire, is insulting and stereotyping to men. LOL...STEW!!!! gosh.. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 That's a straw man, I have many female friends, very attractive, whom are every bit as funny and good in conversation as I am, who never bore me with whining (nor vice versa), and who are just a blast to be around.And how many of them are not attractive at all? The point isnt that men cant control themselves... The point is that if males and females could have REAL friendships that arent at least partly based on attraction then you would enjoy the time you spend with the uglies just as much as wit hthe beauties... Very few men can honestly say that they dont have an attraction to their female "friends"... and just because you are less likely to act on it than a person like me doesnt mean that it is something other than what it is. edit: for the record, I dont play a "backburner" role with any of my female "friends"...Im honest about why I hang out with them... Link to post Share on other sites
thegreatmoose Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 My thinking is if I have a boyfriend, why do I need a male friend? I'm not talking about co-workers or men you visit with but always in groups or always in public. I'm talking about a one-on-one relationship with a man. I don't think a woman in a relationship should be spending time alone with another man. Yes, this applies to men also. Maybe becuase you've know him for a long time. Maybe because you have a common interest or hobby. It's not like I'd go on romantic dinners with other women if I was dating someone, but I'm not cutting them out of my life either. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Moose, Why do you think cutting the "private one on one" part of the relationship out of the picture is the same as cutting the person out of your life? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Yes, it's true, men at my age and older, even into their wheelchair years (just ask the nurses at my mom's facility) still have erotic thoughts and desires. Those thoughts and desires do not have to rule us. It's a pretty amazing experience to go through the levels of understanding and decision-making. Of course, women do this every day, don't they? Even in this age of sexual freedom and lowered inhibitions, attached women manage to keep their skirts lowered and panties in place when around those oh so delectable male friends. I wonder how they do that? It couldn't be. No. Maturity? I think, if I get married again, I'm going to put a GPS chip in my wife. Follow her activities on the internet. @roads for relationships. Maybe build a taser chip into it. Can't be too careful. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Y I think, if I get married again, I'm going to put a GPS chip in my wife. Follow her activities on the internet. @roads for relationships. Maybe build a taser chip into it. Can't be too careful. LOL ...carhill! absolutely! Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 I find guys who pretend that they are mature to be hilarious. Kicking your demon out of the drivers seat doesnt mean you are mature... it means you are afraid of the drive. Link to post Share on other sites
thegreatmoose Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Moose, Why do you think cutting the "private one on one" part of the relationship out of the picture is the same as cutting the person out of your life? So it's only ok if when I talk to female friends only if others are around? Better not get in a car with her, right? Better not go over to her place for any reason unless others are there? Of course I'd never do anything inappropriate such as aromantic dinner. It's not that hard to set reasonable boundaries, is it? Maybe it is for you. Silly beta. I'm done debating you. Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 And how many of them are not attractive at all? I have plenty of those too, the point was that many men find it easy to be real, true friends with women they are sexually attracted to without necessarily having bedding them at the front of their minds. Is the possibility of sex there? Sure. Also, it's unfair to characterize every male-female friendship as the man sitting around listening to the woman whining. That's insulting to women, and those are what the -fake- friendships consist of, a woman using a man as her "emotional tampon" I believe the slag goes. The point is that if males and females could have REAL friendships that arent at least partly based on attraction then you would enjoy the time you spend with the uglies just as much as wit hthe beauties... I have a friend known for 25+ years. She fluctuates between being "hot" and being "heavy," about 30 pounds back and forth on an average frame. When she is hot, her body is in Vic Secret land, when she is fat, she's pretty darn fat. Looking back at the relationship honestly, I'm no nicer to her when she is hot than when she is fat. After a certain number of years, you just don't think that way with long-term friends, despite that you may feel inherent attraction, it's not the main focus. Maybe this is a partial age thing, saying again, I'm 45. Have never bought into the Harry Met Sally paradigm of male-female friendships. It may be true for college aged kids and younger, but not for adults. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 So it's only ok if when I talk to female friends only if others are around? Better not get in a car with her, right? Better not go over to her place for any reason unless others are there?For the record: This is actually a strawman argument. Of course I'd never do anything inappropriate such as aromantic dinner. It's not that hard to set reasonable boundaries, is it? Maybe it is for you.The boundary I set is that their relationship cannot emulate that of a couple... not even for ten seconds. I'm done debating you.Let me know when you start debating me... instead of the straw men. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 So meerkat... you arent friends with ANY uglies... edit:btw I chose ten seconds because that is about how long it takes me to go from "he is just a friend" to "we have to talk"... Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 I have plenty of those too Sorry, wasn't clear here. I have several female friends who are not attractive, most of them due to overweight. Ratio probably runs 70/30 attractive to un. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 (edited) Before I put too much into this, how often do you put effort into these "friendships"? Is the effort different when comparing the uglies to the beauties? edit: and as it relates to this thread, how many of these friendships include private one on one time? That doesnt mean incidental time like driving to the store or whatever moose was on about but more intimate time... The alone time talked about by the OP. double edit: because if its not much more than zero then your "friendships" dont really fall into the category that many deem to be inappropriate and therefore arent relevant. Edited January 26, 2010 by FryFish Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny M Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 This forum is full of real life examples of why it's a bad idea to let your GF hang out with other men. Here's but one example: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t175077/ Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 LOL, now that's the kind of woman I'd love to date to test out the GPS chip Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Before I put too much into this, how often do you put effort into these "friendships"? Is the effort different when comparing the uglies to the beauties? edit: and as it relates to this thread, how many of these friendships include private one on one time? That doesnt mean incidental time like driving to the store or whatever moose was on about but more intimate time... The alone time talked about by the OP. double edit: because if its not much more than zero then your "friendships" dont really fall into the category that many deem to be inappropriate and therefore arent relevant. Not willing to sit and put quantifiers on all my friendships with women, sorry, but they are real friendships, I may see some of them once every couple weeks and some once a year, I'm a busy middle aged professional and so are they, or they have kids. Time is at a premium, doesn't mean we aren't "real" friends. I -like- some of the unattractive ones more than the attractive ones, just due to basic nonsexual human chemistry, we -get- each other. And I spend one on one time with lots of them. Stop trying to disqualify my friendships to make some point, if they weren't true friends, would I admit it anyway? Incidentally, I'm not talking about a whole other group of female acquaintances with whom there are real sexual possibilities that could get moved forward if the time were right and certain things gelled. Two totally different groups with very little overlap. I keep in touch with the friends while in a relationship, the others? no way, would disrespect my GF and our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 LOL, now that's the kind of woman I'd love to date to test out the GPS chip or the GPS targetted, laser-guided missiles for that matter. Link to post Share on other sites
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