Heroes or villains?

[OWoman]

This is a spin-off from another thread where the MM was a firefighter. There have been a number of other MMs discussed on these boards who were firefighters, and, of course, there is that scene in Friends where, after leaving the girls on Valentine's, the one firefighter asks the other, "so, are you going to tell her you're married?" and the other replies, "no way - not even my girlfriend knows I'm married!" So there seems to be a bit of a stereotype of Firefighter-as-WS out there.

 

On that thread someone posted about a correlation between people whose lives were "out of control" choosing careers where they were in control, eg police, firefighters, etc. I wonder if there is some correlation between career and marital incontinence?

 

If it's not TMI, what type of career did the MM / MW in your triangle have? Do you think that had any bearing on their having an A? (And, if so, how?)

[NoIDidn't]

You forgot military servicemen/women. Another group known as widely for their heroism AND philandering.

 

Many of my neighbors are firefighters and policemen, and I feel so sorry for their wives. I really do.

 

The yelling from the latest discovery of a new affair. Or the fallout continuing from old ones. And the way it affects their children. Its awful.

 

Of course, there are some in these fields that don't cheat, but they get so overshadowed by the ones that do. And with reason too! For every ten people I know in these fields, only about 1.5 aren't cheating in some way. Peer pressure and the personality it takes to get into these jobs seem to be the culprits.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with "control", but with adrenaline. These are fields where adrenaline flows like water, all the time. Affairs offer a rush.

[I Miss the Kiss]

Since this thread is a spinoff of my own (my MM is the FF, and I know of one other LS member whose xMM is a FF), let me tell you: I never made the connection at all. I really didn't. My MM is an officer, so more control, more prestige. He is VERY good at his job. He is like a machine when he is needed to organize in a disaster. I've asked him how it feels to walk up to the scene of a horrible accident... I would be scared to death. He says he feels little to no apprehension. I wonder if this is how he can destroy the lives of people he "loves" with little emotion... He can just disconnect, turn it off.

 

He doesn't brag about his position of power within the firehouse, but when it DOES come up, you see his ego go through the roof.

 

Here is my take on my MM: I am absolutely 100% certain he has never had an A before. Please don't question me as to why i feel that way, it is the truth. But.... he has mentioned that in his life he has "been around a lot of beautiful women, and a lot of them of course I think to myself 'I'd like to bang her', but I haven't acted on it, much less had anyone accept."

 

I wasn't drawn to my MM because of his career, because it wasn't until we had talked for more than four hours on the night we met that I even knew what he did. I was already hooked. Yes, he was that powerful over me. And I can still say in all honesty that I'm not one of those owmen who have a "type". I have no weakness in particular for firefighters or otherwise. But this one sure did a number on me. Now every time I leave my house, every single car seems to have a firefighter license plate, or I see fire trucks everywhere. It is haunting!

 

Sorry to ramble. I know this wasn't the answer to the original question

Edited January 25, 2010 by I Miss the Kiss

[carhill]

You forgot military servicemen/women. Another group known as widely for their heroism AND philandering.

 

I wish Gunny, Owl and Lakeside would offer up their perspectives on this.

 

In my situation, both in the past and more recently, we were/are both just regular folks. No spectacular, popular, exciting (to others) careers. Regular people, just like I would presume the vast majority of affair (EA or PA) partners are. From my observations of other men my age, the ones I'm sure have cheated, especially repeatedly, have generally been in positions of power, like business owners (with employees) and public officials/servants (that would include the firefighters like in the OP). My hypothesis is that such personalities are driven to succeed in all aspects of life, including success with the opposite sex. More is better. Their funerals seem to be well-attended

[OWoman]

I don't think it has anything to do with "control"' date=' but with adrenaline. These are fields where adrenaline flows like water, all the time. Affairs offer a rush.[/quote']

 

I find this very interesting.

 

All my As have been with guys in "boring" jobs - surgeons, professors, nuclear physicists, economists, writers, etc. If the firefighters / cops / armed forces were seeking to amp their lovelives up to the excitement levels of their careers, why weren't my MMs looking to smother theirs down to career-equivalent levels of boring predictability?

[Devil Inside]

Hmmm..very interesting topic. I was the MM in my A...and I am a psychotherapist..so there is definitely some control issues there. One of the biggest reasons I was drawn into the field was to make sense of mess that I am.

 

What I would hypothesize is that there are certain personality types that are more likely to lead to infidelity, and that these are the same personality types that make people good at certain professions that involve being in a position of control and power.

[angie2443]

I think it makes that certain occupations have more cheating people in them. In the military, you often have situations in which the married partners are seperated for long periods of time. There is a distance between the H and W and the one in the service is working very close with other people. It's a recipee for an affair. As far as policemen, I think many of them just feel privileged. I think many of them join the force so they can have some control of other people. Many of them want to feel "above" other people. This kind of attitude can lead to affairs.

 

As far as these people bieng "heroes"- I wouldn't call many of them heroes. At least the people I've know in the service or the police force were doing pretty normal, safe jobs like ticketing cars at a local University or filing paper work at an office. Yes, some of the jobs are dangerous in these fields, but not all. From my obversations, the safety of the jobs do not stop the people in them from cheating. As for firemen, I've only known one so I don't know.

[OWoman]

I have no weakness in particular for firefighters or otherwise.

 

I must admit, I was quite surprised to discover (at some fairly advanced age) that firefighters were supposed to be "sexy". I'd grown up around them - have a couple in the family - and always regarded them as rather boring and a little too drunk most of the time. Same with cops, armed forces, etc - a little too "Village People" for me

 

But I have met individuals from those careers who are just, well, a little more interesting....

[NoIDidn't]

I find this very interesting.

 

All my As have been with guys in "boring" jobs - surgeons, professors, nuclear physicists, economists, writers, etc. If the firefighters / cops / armed forces were seeking to amp their lovelives up to the excitement levels of their careers, why weren't my MMs looking to smother theirs down to career-equivalent levels of boring predictability?

 

As a former "scientist", ie "boring" careerist, I can say that you have no idea of what makes us tick or causes our adrenaline to flow!

 

For us, its about breaking out of the boring shell, not trying to get back into it further.

[Devil Inside]

I think it makes that certain occupations have more cheating people in them. In the military, you often have situations in which the married partners are seperated for long periods of time. There is a distance between the H and W and the one in the service is working very close with other people. It's a recipee for an affair.

 

Excellent point. I would say the distance is a huge factor.

 

I was also thinking. Having worked with people that have the potential of violence in their careers...these fields can be very traumatic. One way to deal with this trauma is through the "high" of a new relationship.

[OWoman]

My hypothesis is that such personalities are driven to succeed in all aspects of life, including success with the opposite sex.

 

Perhaps. All of my MMs were at the top of their game, I guess, so that would be consistent with my experience... though, in my case, none of these guys were looking for an A. None had ever had an A or considered that they would have an A, until one hit then on the head and dragged them off, kicking and screaming....

 

(My reading of that - and I'd be intrigued to see what DI makes of my reading - is that they were so used to being in control all the time, that when someone came along, completely unimpressed by their titles and their awards and their connections, and started bossing THEM around and expecting them to do all the work, and delivering to MY agenda as and when it suited me... that it was new, and fun, and exciting....?)

[OWoman]

As a former "scientist", ie "boring" careerist, I can say that you have no idea of what makes us tick or causes our adrenaline to flow!

 

For us, its about breaking out of the boring shell, not trying to get back into it further.

 

Ha ha I'm a researcher myself, though I've had a very varied and unusual career path which is anything but normal or boring... which is probably why I go for "boring"-type guys. I want to know what's inside of a boring shell, and what makes someone go in there in the first place (is it anime porn?)

[I Miss the Kiss]

I must admit, I was quite surprised to discover (at some fairly advanced age) that firefighters were supposed to be "sexy". I'd grown up around them - have a couple in the family - and always regarded them as rather boring and a little too drunk most of the time. Same with cops, armed forces, etc - a little too "Village People" for me

 

But I have met individuals from those careers who are just, well, a little more interesting....

 

 

LOL Honestly, I seem to notice firefighters all around me now, when before I never took a second look. And the ones who are in my area are NOT my cup of tea! So as of now, the only one I have ever known to be sexy is my xMM, and yes, he is very sexy. Built, strong, hot But the rest of them? Not so much...

 

I don't know any cops... well, I take that back. I do know one I went to high school with. He had an A and his wife got arrested for hitting him over the head with a skillet!

[OWoman]

Hmmm..very interesting topic. I was the MM in my A...and I am a psychotherapist..so there is definitely some control issues there. One of the biggest reasons I was drawn into the field was to make sense of mess that I am.

 

Isn't that the classic reason - to find out about yourself, before everyone else does?

 

What I would hypothesize is that there are certain personality types that are more likely to lead to infidelity, and that these are the same personality types that make people good at certain professions that involve being in a position of control and power.

 

Interesting... so calm, analytical, rational types with the drive and initiative to get to the top of their careers are more likely to... yield when hit on by in-your-face woman who wants a new sex toy?

 

(Something else has just struck me - at least three of my fMMs were M to therapists of various flavours. I wonder if that's significant?)

[OWoman]

I was also thinking. Having worked with people that have the potential of violence in their careers...these fields can be very traumatic. One way to deal with this trauma is through the "high" of a new relationship.

 

I taught school for a while. Great potential for violence... Luckily it didn't inspire me to any new Rs....

[carhill]

at least three of my fMMs were M to therapists of various flavours. I wonder if that's significant?

 

Perhaps they wished to live a relationship rather than analyze it (or be analyzed), if their spouses had a propensity to bring their profession home with them.

[Lizzie60]

Nope... never had a FF... in all my life.. I never saw one who was good looking enough to even bother.. the stud FF is a myth...

 

I had a few RCMP officers.. one right now is bugging me, I only met him once.

 

I had a few paramedics.. mostly businessmen... and other professionals (engineers, etc.)

 

A good friend of mine worked all her life for the police force.. and she said there is NOT one police officer who hasn't strayed...

[NoIDidn't]

Ha ha I'm a researcher myself, though I've had a very varied and unusual career path which is anything but normal or boring... which is probably why I go for "boring"-type guys. I want to know what's inside of a boring shell, and what makes someone go in there in the first place (is it anime porn?)

 

 

 

"Boring" types have more pent-up passion that doesn't get displayed on the job?

 

I dated a med student and a physical therapist before. They had a wonderful knowledge of human anatomy just waiting to be used in situations outside of the medical.

 

Maybe for these guys, all of them, boring and adrenaline driven, its about ego? <shrugs>

[Fallen Angel]

You forgot military servicemen/women. Another group known as widely for their heroism AND philandering.

 

Many of my neighbors are firefighters and policemen, and I feel so sorry for their wives. I really do.

 

The yelling from the latest discovery of a new affair. Or the fallout continuing from old ones. And the way it affects their children. Its awful.

 

Of course, there are some in these fields that don't cheat, but they get so overshadowed by the ones that do. And with reason too! For every ten people I know in these fields, only about 1.5 aren't cheating in some way. Peer pressure and the personality it takes to get into these jobs seem to be the culprits.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with "control", but with adrenaline. These are fields where adrenaline flows like water, all the time. Affairs offer a rush.

 

I find this an interesting theory, because it is in such opposition to the make-up of My affair.

 

My MM is retired military. He did 20+ years in an adrenaline rush job, and the job he does now is quite dangerous physically as well.

 

I do not see our affair as him seeking yet another adrenaline rush, but as him seeking a place where he can allow himself to relax, be comfortable, feel safe, and emotionally vulnerable. To watch the difference in him from the minute he shows up at my door, to the way he is after an hour just relaxing with me in his arms. It is like he is a new man, calm, refreshed, content, happy... and with me he is able to let himself go and be silly, unpredictable, and emotionally demonstrative.

[NoIDidn't]

I find this an interesting theory, because it is in such opposition to the make-up of My affair.

 

My MM is retired military. He did 20+ years in an adrenaline rush job, and the job he does now is quite dangerous physically as well.

 

I do not see our affair as him seeking yet another adrenaline rush, but as him seeking a place where he can allow himself to relax, be comfortable, feel safe, and emotionally vulnerable. To watch the difference in him from the minute he shows up at my door, to the way he is after an hour just relaxing with me in his arms. It is like he is a new man, calm, refreshed, content, happy... and with me he is able to let himself go and be silly, unpredictable, and emotionally demonstrative.

 

 

Regardless. I'll still add him to the tally. Military cheaters +1.

[Lizzie60]

Oh ... I remember one MM I used to meet in a downtown hotel.. he was a military (high rank)... on business trip ...

[silktricks]

They aren't villains...

 

Maybe sometimes they're heroes - but quite often if they're labeled heroes, then they're dead...

 

Mostly I think they're just normal folks, but folks who spend a LOT of time away from their spouses, and have a fair number of chances with women who have a strong attraction to uniforms.... what is it about some women and uniforms, anyway????

 

I personally think most cops are ****s with an out of control need to boss other people around, and I don't really understand why anyone would be interested... but that's me

[OWoman]

what is it about some women and uniforms, anyway????

 

Perhaps school wasn't traumatic enough for them?

[angie2443]

I personally think most cops are ****s with an out of control need to boss other people around, and I don't really understand why anyone would be interested... but that's me

 

I kind of agree about the cops. I think there is often a case of fantasy versus reality when it comes to men in uniform. The fantasy is that these men are strong, moral, in control, etc. Some men match up to this. Many do not, but the fantasy is strong and many women can't see through this.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm being lazy by not posting the links (Google: 9/11 firefighters divorces).

 

Didn't a lot of firefighters engage in affairs with the widows of their fallen colleagues?

 

Speaking of the cops: the Blue line comes to mind. There are lots of things behind that line, I guess.

 

And although not included in this thread, doctors and lawyers are known for philandering as well.

 

Is it more "power" vs. "control" at play here?

 

There was a poster here, not too long ago, that was having an affair with her therapist. Another group that shows up in OP threads. I know D.I. is here, but I have to wonder about the control and manipulation aspect of a therapist sleeping with those that they are supposed to be counselling. And this isn't gender specific, it happens both ways.