My boyfriend's best friend.

[bethykins]

I have been in a serious and committed relationship with a man that I have known since 1999, we've been together and live-in partners for 5 years now. He is acting stepdad to my daughter, and he and I have a son together. We've had many ups and downs, including him cheating once and some drama while I was pregnant, but we're still together despite all that. I love him unconditionally.

 

Enter problem. Just a short while ago, his best friend came back into the picture. Let me just inform you that best friend and I have a history that goes back before my current boyfriend. He was my very first boyfriend, first kiss, took my virginity. He completely broke my heart when I was 16, but I moved on. He seemed okay with us being together 5 years ago, but over the last year when my boyfriend and best friend hung out, he seemed a little regretful. I ignored this because best friend wasn't even really coming to our house. He only just recently started coming back around. And all the little things about his personality are getting to me again.

 

He's great with my kids, funny, attractive, and motivated. My boyfriend is extremely paranoid, even though I have never cheated and do NOT plan to. But I cannot help but develop a stupid crush on my ex. It's so pathetic. I still want to marry my boyfriend (we made very tentative plans but can't afford the big shebang), but I'm seriously worried that this will become a problem.

 

I know I can't just not be around him, because my boyfriend really REALLY wants to reconnect with him after so long. They've been through a lot to support one another through hard times, so their dynamic is great. I totally noticed a major change in my boyfriend's moodiness when his buddy started to come around again. I want him to be happy, but I do not want to sit back and crush over him. I feel insanely guilty.

 

What should I do???

[Bryanp]

This is a tough one since your boyfriend wants to be friends with him. It is therefore up to you to establish clear boundaries with your ex. Tell him if he flirts or engages in any inappropriate behavior you will immediately inform your boyfriend. Don't let your ex mess up your life now and in the future. I wish you luck.

[bethykins]

Thanks. I know that the crush probably is misguided, because we have backed away from old friends since we no longer have enough in common with any of them. We're practically married and have kids, and have different priorities. Best friend and my boyfriend are the consideration. Best friend has made the conscious effort to visit him because they miss the "good old days" when things were easier and they were around each other constantly.

 

I have already told my boyfriend that I would absolutely never "go there" but he's still worried about that because he knows about our history.

[nddb]

I understand your feelings and though feelings are hard to control, you CAN control the situation to minimize temptation.

 

Your boyfriend most likely sensed your ambivalence already. Most men are very sensitive to potential threats to their family (and with five years invested and a kid, he likely would have that feeling). It will shake his confidence, and make him question your loyalty and steadfastness.

 

If I were him, I absolutely wouldn't ask the best friend to stay away. Why? Because in my mind, I want to see how my wife handles it. If you can't handle this crush and learn to cut off your feelings, that is a bad sign of things to come. Besides, he shouldn't be the one forcing the issue. It's your issue.

 

Tell your boyfriend you are uncomfortable with the guy being around. View him as a threat to your relationship, your kids, and your future and act accordingly. Even if he hadn't done anything wrong and he may be great, what he represents and can bring up is a real threat, and has the potential to hurt your family and kids. You are fighting for your kids and family here. Fangs need to come out.

 

After all, you would want your boyfriend and possibly future husband to do the same if an attractive, friendly, seemingly great female starts sniffing around.

 

I have a simple rule for ex'es. Once they are gone--they are gone. Period. They can be mother Theresa in temperament and Heidi Klum in looks, it doesn't matter. They are not welcome.

Edited January 25, 2010 by nddb

[bethykins]

 

I have a simple rule for ex'es. Once they are gone--they are gone. Period.

 

I just wish he could have STAYED gone, because I hadn't even laid eyes on him for over a year. But he wants to be around all the time now. I have promised my boyfriend though that I will flat out refuse to be alone with him, not because I will cheat, but just to respect my boyfriend and his worries. I would expect him to do the same for me.

 

Now all I have to do is find a way to kick this crush.

 

I think the little feelings started because he's a (sort of) fresh face and maybe, just a tiny bit of me misses him and remembers the past and how long it took for me to get over him.

[bethykins]

I'm pretty sure if I told my boyfriend I didn't want his buddy around, it'd be a huge HUGE problem. It would likely end up as a fight, possible break up. That's how important this is to him. They have a pretty weird loyalty to one another.

 

I think it would be easier to deal with him if he had a girl attached to his arm. Which I hope he does so I can focus my attention where it is appropriate.

[nddb]

I just wish he could have STAYED gone, because I hadn't even laid eyes on him for over a year. But he wants to be around all the time now. I have promised my boyfriend though that I will flat out refuse to be alone with him, not because I will cheat, but just to respect my boyfriend and his worries. I would expect him to do the same for me.

 

Now all I have to do is find a way to kick this crush.

 

I think the little feelings started because he's a (sort of) fresh face and maybe, just a tiny bit of me misses him and remembers the past and how long it took for me to get over him.

 

What the other guy wants doesn't matter. Think of the misery this situation can represent to your children.

 

You need firmer and more openly hostile boundaries. This is potentially a devastating deal for everyone.

 

Also, if I were your boyfriend and I detect your feelings, my reasonable conclusion is you are not ready to be married TO ME.

 

The dating years and the years before marriage are supposed to be when people are most devoted, romantic, and that's when most try their best. If this issue crops up now, his reasonable projection is that they are even more likely to do so after 10-15 years of routine marriage and dealing with life's ups and downs, when things are routine and boring.

 

We all have ex'es and regrets in past relationships. Facebook accounts are replete with ex'es saying "hey, what's up." The smart spouses or spouses-to-be don't take any chances. Cut it off cold, and be hostile if needed be.

[nddb]

I'm pretty sure if I told my boyfriend I didn't want his buddy around, it'd be a huge HUGE problem. It would likely end up as a fight, possible break up. That's how important this is to him. They have a pretty weird loyalty to one another.

 

I think it would be easier to deal with him if he had a girl attached to his arm. Which I hope he does so I can focus my attention where it is appropriate.

 

If you lay it out as something very important to you, and you don't want someone to come to your house, and your boyfriend is willing to break up with you over this, are you sure you want to marry him?

 

seems like you have a lot of things to mull over.

[bethykins]

Yeah. This is where our relationship get pretty iffy. I'm usually the one that ends up baffled. How committed is my boyfriend to me? Why are we not married already? Why is my focus shifting? I know I love him, but does he even care about my feelings? We've fought about whether marriage is right for our relationship, with me stressing the importance and him steering clear of it altogether. Sometimes I wonder if breaking up would be beneficial for both of us, but there is so much at stake that I can't afford to be wishy-washy.

[Dexter Morgan]

He's great with my kids, funny, attractive, and motivated. My boyfriend is extremely paranoid, even though I have never cheated and do NOT plan to. But I cannot help but develop a stupid crush on my ex. It's so pathetic.

 

then your bf isn't paranoid. the problem isn't him....its you.

[road]

This why there must be NC for life with exlovers.

 

Lying by ommision. Is still lying.

 

You are lying to your BF because you are hiding the truth. The truth that his best friend wants to bang you. Is OM the dad to your first kid?

[bethykins]

This why there must be NC for life with exlovers.

 

Lying by ommision. Is still lying.

 

You are lying to your BF because you are hiding the truth. The truth that his best friend wants to bang you. Is OM the dad to your first kid?

 

I'm not exactly sure why I'm a liar because of that. Does it make me a bad person? My boyfriend, who has refused to marry me despite making "plans" tells me flat out he would nail his ex's if he saw them again. Just because he's honest means that it's okay? I internalize it because I don't want to piss him off. Yeah, his best friend happens to be my ex. We hardly get to hang out with friends, so I think I was just super thrilled to hang out with someone I haven't seen for a long time.

 

Just so you know, I don't know if best friend even harbors those ideas about me. And no, he is not my daughter's father. That was another relationship.

[BG1985]

I don't know if y'all have been paying attention on the Dating board, but there's a thread about guys not letting their girlfriends hang out with other guys. This is thread has a very compelling argument about limiting contact.

 

And OP, didn't you mention that the ex-boyfriend is feeling regretful now? You are treading on thin ice here.

[bethykins]

 

And OP, didn't you mention that the ex-boyfriend is feeling regretful now? You are treading on thin ice here.

 

Doesn't matter anyway. I've kicked him from my friendship pool, and refuse to let him over anymore.

[AAlike]

I don't know if y'all have been paying attention on the Dating board, but there's a thread about guys not letting their girlfriends hang out with other guys. This is thread has a very compelling argument about limiting contact.

 

I can't even imagine being in a relationship with another adult under the premise of "limiting contact."

 

I am a firm believer in the fact that if your GF is able to fall out of love with you or cheat on you just because she is in proximity with another guy, then she was bound to fall out of love with you anyway. "limiting contact" is just delaying the inevitable.

 

Just as I am a firm believer that if OP is not over her teenage love, she either isn't ready for a relationship, or doesn't have the right guy.

[BG1985]

I'm not saying you can permanently keep someone from cheating, but there is no need for someone to hang out with with an ex who ditched him or her. If my girlfriend or wife still kept in touch with an ex who dumped her, I would definitely question why that's going on.

[AAlike]

I'm not saying you can permanently keep someone from cheating, but there is no need for someone to hang out with with an ex who ditched him or her. If my girlfriend or wife still kept in touch with an ex who dumped her, I would definitely question why that's going on.

 

ah maybe I misread, OP's post was a little confusing - I was under the impression that her BF was bringing him around. of course if she's the one staying in touch with him that is no good.

 

regardless, I think my point is that OP is not completely over her teenage love, and while I agree that having him around is probably inhibiting her getting over him, just simply getting rid of him is not going to solve that problem.

[Template]

If you feel your relationship is strong enough, and due for marriage, why don't you just tell him the truth; that you are developing a crush on his best friend. Talk about it, decide as a couple what you are going to do. Work together as a couple to get through this, and build that trust and foundation. As a someone said, lying by omission is lying and nobody has the right to judge other people if they aren't ready to be judged themselves. Do NOT work on this "yourself". If it concerns your relationship, he has every right to be involved in the decision making process as you.