Reality vs Emotional (Head vs Heart)

[Arizonaheart]

In a LDR for nearly 11 months with the most amazing man I have ever known. 1800 miles separates us although we have been 5 times since the start (we will be together for a weekend in a wk). This is my 1st LDR- grade school sweethearts reunited.

 

I am divorced 10 yrs w/4 children 13-21 yrs. Stable decent paying job, close knit family. I live a mile away from my dad who is struggling at the time due to the economic downturn.

 

He is never married, no kids. Works a family business w/his brother. He lives near his 87 yr old grandmother who depends on him occasionally for help (one of the many things I love about him).

 

Even before we met I had wanted to move to his state once my kids are grown & on their own however not necessarily his city. My 3rd child graduates H.S next year (2011). He & I have spoken of the possibiity of my youngest & I moving at that time (my ex would probably be ok w/that as he is not very active in the lives of our children). The romance of it sounded great at the time but now I step back and question if I can really do that. As a mom I feel like I would just be leaving my older 3 kids who will be barely out of the nest to fend for themselves unless they choose to relocate. My oldest just got engaged & planning a wedding in a couple years. My kids & I have lived in our town since my divorce, they have made this home. I also am carefully considering purchasing my dad's house since it can help him through his financial crunch(Dad will be living with me). The remainder of my family lives about 30 miles from me. We get together on a fairly regular basis.

 

I have in the past told him how difficult it would be to leave all this behind. He of course is in the same situation but because of the family biz can not/will not relocate. If/when I face reality it could be at least 5-7 yrs before I can comfortably move away from my town, job, kids, family although I'm sure it will still be difficult

 

Is it better to face reality & perhaps end this relationship or continue on in the dream that one day we will be together? The mere thought of ending it brings me to tears but the heartache of waiting 5-7 yrs is almost to much to bear.

[hoping2heal]

This is a really difficult situation you are in. Seeing as how you are the one with the children he should pick up his granny and move to you; BUT then there is the issue of the business he runs; he can't cut and run on his brother and he may not be skilled or qualified to do anything else. If this job is his passion cutting his livelihood would also be a doozy.

 

So I don't know, no one else can decide if they can spend 5-7 years with this arrangement, and you don't know if HE would even still want the RS if that were the terms.

[Flavour]

It is the right thing to do to be a good mother, but not sacrificing yourself on the altar of motherhood. Your children for first would not want you to do that. Before you know it they will be out living their own life, as it should be. And you?

You should talk with them in my opinion. And plan a step at a time. And even if it will take longer than you planned-okay, love is worth the waiting.

 

Don't be so impulsive. There are ALWAYS options. And do not make yourself the last of your priorities, or you will become angry and bitter-and noone will be grateful to you for that......

[Mei Mei]

In a LDR for nearly 11 months with the most amazing man I have ever known. 1800 miles separates us although we have been 5 times since the start (we will be together for a weekend in a wk). This is my 1st LDR- grade school sweethearts reunited.

 

I am divorced 10 yrs w/4 children 13-21 yrs. Stable decent paying job, close knit family. I live a mile away from my dad who is struggling at the time due to the economic downturn.

 

He is never married, no kids. Works a family business w/his brother. He lives near his 87 yr old grandmother who depends on him occasionally for help (one of the many things I love about him).

 

Even before we met I had wanted to move to his state once my kids are grown & on their own however not necessarily his city. My 3rd child graduates H.S next year (2011). He & I have spoken of the possibiity of my youngest & I moving at that time (my ex would probably be ok w/that as he is not very active in the lives of our children). The romance of it sounded great at the time but now I step back and question if I can really do that. As a mom I feel like I would just be leaving my older 3 kids who will be barely out of the nest to fend for themselves unless they choose to relocate. My oldest just got engaged & planning a wedding in a couple years. My kids & I have lived in our town since my divorce, they have made this home. I also am carefully considering purchasing my dad's house since it can help him through his financial crunch(Dad will be living with me). The remainder of my family lives about 30 miles from me. We get together on a fairly regular basis.

 

I have in the past told him how difficult it would be to leave all this behind. He of course is in the same situation but because of the family biz can not/will not relocate. If/when I face reality it could be at least 5-7 yrs before I can comfortably move away from my town, job, kids, family although I'm sure it will still be difficult

 

Is it better to face reality & perhaps end this relationship or continue on in the dream that one day we will be together? The mere thought of ending it brings me to tears but the heartache of waiting 5-7 yrs is almost to much to bear.

 

 

Dear Arizonaheart,

I can echo your feeling. My So and I are staying in even longer distance. We each have our kids to care. My small one is only in primary. And neither he or me is easy to get our ideal job in each other's place. Hence we perceive that we can only have full stay together after we retire, so farrrrrrrr away a time! But we are still staying positive all along since we are often making plans come closer by bits. We feel each others' effort in making sorts of communication though with the constraints, with more reality contacts each year till the full stay to come.

 

I always think that we are in worse situation than many LRD pairs. Anyhow, my heart is so sweet with this love and I feel the relationship is stronger with our commitment/trust/real love demonstrated through our joint effort to overcome barriers to meet.

 

Thus, I think only if we are with shared goals, both can stay sweet and happy in hearts by overcoming the distance and time limit since we have already been an united one.

[nrmommie]

i very recently have found myself in a similiar situation. ever since my marriage ended i have tried very hard to keep my kids in the same schools, to keep as much as i could the same and even for them. it has been hard and the ex did not feel the same need to do that, so it has been up to me.

 

but, now i find myself in a relationship that is both long distance and uncertain- he is military. luckily he is only 2 hours away, but he is to deploy next year. we don't know where or for how long, or exactly where he will end up after.

 

i have been fighting this relationship because it just feels like there is no way i can make it fit.... i "decide" on a pretty regular basis that i need to end it now before it goes farther. this usually happens midweek when i am at my weakest and missing him the most.

 

the heart really doesn't give a crap for what the head is saying!

 

this is what struck me with your post. like me it sounds like you have lived your life for everyone but you! and you are continuing to plan to do that.... buy your dads house to help him financially, stay for your kids who are out of college.... i am sure you list goes much further than that.

 

but when do you start living for you? most people like us are tied to everyone elses decisions.... what about yours? if it affected no one else, what would you do tomorrow?

[Arizonaheart]

This is a really difficult situation you are in. Seeing as how you are the one with the children he should pick up his granny and move to you; BUT then there is the issue of the business he runs; he can't cut and run on his brother and he may not be skilled or qualified to do anything else. If this job is his passion cutting his livelihood would also be a doozy.

 

Thank you for making this point H2H. I found that a time or two I would get a bit irritated wondering why he couldnt just come here, even if just for a few years. I never really thought about it as cutting off his livelihood. That wouldn't be good for either of us. Yes it is what he knows, all he has done for 20 plus years.

 

 

You should talk with them in my opinion. And plan a step at a time. And even if it will take longer than you planned-okay, love is worth the waiting.......

 

My kids are amazing & to make matters more difficult they absolutely LOVE & ADORE my SO. Yes one step at a time. You are right- love is worth waiting for. My fear was he might not be willing to wait. We spoke last night (and we are IMing now as a matter of fact) putting everything on the table and facing reality. Sometimes reality is difficult to grasp. Love is patient...

 

 

Anyhow, my heart is so sweet with this love and I feel the relationship is stronger with our commitment/trust/real love demonstrated through our joint effort to overcome barriers to meet.

 

Thus, I think only if we are with shared goals, both can stay sweet and happy in hearts by overcoming the distance and time limit since we have already been an united one.

 

I absolutely love this "my heart is so sweet with this love". I can definitely relate! The mere thought of not having him in my life brings me to tears. The irony is that he is not necessarily a physical part of my life but this is the strongest I have ever felt for anyone.

 

 

i have been fighting this relationship because it just feels like there is no way i can make it fit.... i "decide" on a pretty regular basis that i need to end it now before it goes farther. this usually happens midweek when i am at my weakest and missing him the most.

 

the heart really doesn't give a crap for what the head is saying!

 

this is what struck me with your post. like me it sounds like you have lived your life for everyone but you! and you are continuing to plan to do that.... buy your dads house to help him financially, stay for your kids who are out of college.... i am sure you list goes much further than that.

 

but when do you start living for you? most people like us are tied to everyone elses decisions.... what about yours? if it affected no one else, what would you do tomorrow?

 

I shamefully admit that sometimes I am guilty of fighting it too perhaps because this is a love unlike any I have ever known. As wonderful as it is the uncertainty can be so frightful. I know how deep my feelings go now after not even a year, how can I bear losing him after 2 yrs or 3 yrs once my love for him has grown even deeper?

 

I am a bit more confident today after many hours crying & talking with him that it will all work out...eventually. I feel strongly about making sure things are cared for before I up and leave. He is willing to wait.

 

Thank you for the much needed feedback. When you post on a forum you are uncertain what to expect. I truly needed what was given. I needed to sit back and realize how much this means to me. I needed to hear from him that he is willing to wait. I needed to evaluate how much self sacrifice is too much.

 

In speaking with him he did bring up a great point that I hadnt considered. By purchasing my dad's house my kids will have a place to come back to during college breaks right in the familiar neighborhood that they grew up in. My dad will be there and I could come back for visits at the same time. Although I am sure they will want to visit my new state, this here is what they have grown to know as home.

[zebracolors]

Sometimes reality is difficult to grasp. Love is patient..The irony is that he is not necessarily a physical part of my life but this is the strongest I have ever felt for anyone.

 

Very insightful Arizona. Much of what you say sums up my feelings spot on being in my own LDR. I have plans for my life to try and better it, (going back to school, in England, getting a grip on a career) I'd like for them to include my English guy, but I don't know yet if they can. But I told myself the day I made the decision to do this, that while he was the one who lit a fire under my butt to do it finally, I am doing that with or without him.

 

I still love him, but I have known I need to do that for myself first, and him second.

[Nikki88]

I can relate to your situation. My SO and I live 3 hrs apart...which definitely isn't that bad...but still hard. We both have young children and both are active in their lives. We are so in love though and we know that one day we can be together. It's very hard to stay strong but we both reassure each other and we get through the hard time.

 

I'm not sure what will happen in the end, but for now we take things one day at a time and hope for the best!

[Arizonaheart]

Very insightful Arizona. Much of what you say sums up my feelings spot on being in my own LDR. I have plans for my life to try and better it, (going back to school, in England, getting a grip on a career) I'd like for them to include my English guy, but I don't know yet if they can. But I told myself the day I made the decision to do this, that while he was the one who lit a fire under my butt to do it finally, I am doing that with or without him.

 

I still love him, but I have known I need to do that for myself first, and him second.

 

Good for you!!! Continue to focus on what you need to do for you til the time you are together. As with any relationship you don't want to lose sight of yourself or your goals.

 

 

I can relate to your situation. My SO and I live 3 hrs apart...which definitely isn't that bad...but still hard. We both have young children and both are active in their lives. We are so in love though and we know that one day we can be together. It's very hard to stay strong but we both reassure each other and we get through the hard time.

 

I'm not sure what will happen in the end, but for now we take things one day at a time and hope for the best!

 

Part of my self inflicted turmoil is I feel I am making myself so vulnerable. I consider myself a very independant woman much like you appear, whose main focus has been family over the last 10 years. I have worked to rebuild after an abusive marriage. Here I am with the hope of relocating 1800 miles away from everything I know with the complete trust that it will work out. IF it doesn't I am on my own to rebuild again. That is vulnerability & yes a bit scary. Yes, I am also guilty of over analyzing...

 

One day at a time!