mark1210 Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) Hi Gang... So for those of you who have been following me, I have been having relationship issues shortly after becoming engaged. For example, she was saying she wanted to marry me only to say she didn't, or she wasn't sure. The on again and off again was killing me but I attributed it to wedding jitters and pregnancy hormones. As you all may or may not be aware my fiance does a lot of traveling as she is in the pharmaceutical business. Long story short, I found out after much prompting and reverse psychology "by texting her...I know what you've been up to" even though I didn't have the slightest clue. I just knew she has been acting odd for weeks. She confessed that for the past two months she has been in constant communication with her ex-bf. The text messages were all inappropriate and ranged from things such as "this should be you and I having a baby" "I think about you constantly" "I love you" While she was in Midland, he drove out to her hotel and he stayed the night. She claims they only kissed and cuddled..but I doubt that. They also met up for lunch when she got back. She then told me I needed to hang out with my guy friends more (I assume to give her more time) Needless to say, I've since said the wedding is off- period. She claims she wants to make it work and is going to seek professional counseling as she has always ran back to her exes when things got stressful in a relationship. Her parents and I have sat down and had a very candid discussion. I told them I cannot marry her at this time regardless of the $16,000.00 they put down on wedding materials and items. They wanted to put on the cards going out that we needed more time and the wedding is postponed. I told them I was not comfortable with that and the cards needed to say the wedding is cancelled. They asked me why I wanted to put "cancelled". I said because we may not overcome this hurdle and we may not get married and I do not want to send out another card in the near future saying its cancelled. Rewind to last week...they now want to use the same date of March 20 and turn what was supposed to be a reception to an engagement party (I suppose thats one way to use the money they spent). Problem is...I don't know if I want to be engaged. All my friends tell me that when she gets bigger from the pregnancy that she is going to be pestering me to want to get married. Fact of the matter is, I cannot marry her at this time and quite frankly I don't feel the inclination or desire to get married at all. I've lost about 20 lbs and have added a good deal of muscle (I wasn't fat, but I needed to shape up) and now she has made hints of me going out too much and staying out too late. What gives? Should I cut and run...is this hopeless? Btw..the ex is a deadbeat..no job, drug problem, etc. And yes, I don't know if the child is mine but a paternity test will happen once its born. Edited January 25, 2010 by mark1210 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Crap. Cut and Run. If the child is yours, you wont be able to run too far anyway. But all of this is her own selfish doing...from the cheating to the not wanting to make any changes after the baby arrives. NOT a good partner. Her parents are hoping to still pass her off to you. Do NOT make the reserved reception an engagement party...you will only end up embarrassed. If they are concerned about the deposit, tell them to use it for a baby shower. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mark1210 Posted January 25, 2010 Author Share Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) How will I end up embarrassed? We are still technically engaged at this time...but I haven't been able to discuss my thoughts with her, her counselor and the pastor just yet. What do you mean her parents want to pass her off to me? Edited January 25, 2010 by mark1210 Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 How will I end up embarrassed? We are still technically engaged at this time...but I haven't been able to discuss my thoughts with her, her counselor and the pastor just yet. What do you mean her parents want to pass her off to me? I think 2sure means that her parents will pass their problematic daughter and all her issues off to you so they no longer have to deal with them. Now instead of them having to deal with her wishy-washiness it will be you. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 I would tell her to contact you when it is time to do a DNA test and that you do not want any contact with her until the results come in. If the baby is yours, then go from there - arrange for child support and custody if you wish. If the baby is not yours, consider it one hell of a dodged bullet and you can move on with your life. As for the parents, let them know that you aren't sure if the baby is yours, and why you think that. That might give them a perspective that they didn't have before. Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 As difficult as your situation is now, it's preferable to finding out in the months or years following your marriage. You need to determine what relationship you want with the child (if it's conclusively proven to be yours). Let your girlfriend deal with her pastor and counselor. Screw the wedding invites and the money spent. Be completely honest with her parents; they may be as unaware of her actions as you were. I honestly don't see anything worth salvaging in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lionblade Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Do her parents know why you don't want to marry her and that the baby might not be yours? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Rewind to last week...they now want to use the same date of March 20 and turn what was supposed to be a reception to an engagement party …. Problem is...I don't know if I want to be engaged. son, they're trying to railroad you into doing this, and you don't have to go along with their plans. they might think it's better that you leave her AFTER the baby is born and y'all are married, but frankly, that'd be a stupid move considering you don't want to be married to her. call off the engagement, tell her that you will be in touch when the baby is born so that you can order a test to establish paternity, then walk away. Regardless of what kind of money she convinced her parents to dump into her "dream wedding," the problem is theirs, not yours, to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
Natsumi Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 How come you didn't ask her for a DNA test to prove it's your child? I just wanted to add that maybe you should not be so hasty to dismiss her. If she has a lot of personal issues (as you said) and on top of that she is pregnant and rather young, she might feel not ready for a committed relationship, motherhood and marriage. If that is the case it is your responsibility as her partner and potential father of her child to confront her with this. She sounds like she needs help. Is she getting appropriate medical attention? Do her parents know about what she has been up to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mark1210 Posted January 26, 2010 Author Share Posted January 26, 2010 (edited) Yes, her parents know about her actions, that she is pregnant and that I demand a paternity test. They also tell me I act uninterested in the baby, baby news or doctor visits. They don't get it - my happiness has been taken away since there is now a cloud of uncertainty over the entire mess because of all the lies. Regardless, I told her on Monday that I'm done and that I checked out. Next thing you know I have her dad calling me asking me numerous times to give her a chance and go with her to see a therapist. I don't get why her folks are so adamant on me sticking around and trying to work through this. She is getting medical attention / pre-natal care...I've been taking her there myself and going with her..even with all this BS. Edited January 26, 2010 by mark1210 Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 sounds like they want someone to be responsible for her actions: If you marry her, then it's on YOU; if you don't, it's on THEM. And I imagine her behavior will really reflect badly on them should you not go through with the marriage and she's a single, pregnant girl ... then again, it could also be about having you provide for your child, despite the fact there's a 50 percent chance you're the daddy. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 I don't get why her folks are so adamant on me sticking around and trying to work through this. A few possibilities: they don't want her to be alone they don't want to be financially responsible for her they don't want her ending up with the druggie jobless deadbeat Link to post Share on other sites
Crazy Magnet Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 I do remember your other thread. This girl is starting to sound quite tragic. You are not obliged to marry her at all, I don't care how much $$ her parents have plopped down. She's CHEATING on your with her crappy ex boyfriend. That's not going to go away just because she walked down an isle. Take the time to really sit and think about what YOU want to do in the situation. Ignore what everybody else wants you to do, and focus on yourself for a bit. Marriage is supposed to be for life, don't take a gamble on your life! Yikes! Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 Yes, her parents know about her actions, that she is pregnant and that I demand a paternity test. They also tell me I act uninterested in the baby, baby news or doctor visits. They don't get it - my happiness has been taken away since there is now a cloud of uncertainty over the entire mess because of all the lies. Regardless, I told her on Monday that I'm done and that I checked out. Next thing you know I have her dad calling me asking me numerous times to give her a chance and go with her to see a therapist. I don't get why her folks are so adamant on me sticking around and trying to work through this. She is getting medical attention / pre-natal care...I've been taking her there myself and going with her..even with all this BS. It's because her parents know no one in their right mind will marry their daughter. So they hope since you have history they can get you to marry her. Link to post Share on other sites
SuburbanOblivion Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 Keep going to the doctor visits with her, because if the baby is yours as you suspect, you will hate yourself later for having missed them. Beyond that, call off the engagement officially. An engagement is a promise to marry, and right now you have no intention of doing that. You can always get engaged again later if you work things out. I would tell her she needs to show some commitment to fixing things by going to therapy regularly, which you will join her in after a period of time. Only then would I even start to think of working things out. Chances are she does not have the motivation and dedication it will take to make things right. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 Mark, your ex-fiancee's name wouldn't be tabitha, would it? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=219197 Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 Mark, your ex-fiancee's name wouldn't be tabitha, would it? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=219197 Man, this is priddy close....and also reminds us that there are two sides to EVERY story!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 Two similar posts explaining the same story in their own version. Mark was about to get married to his pregnant ex fiancee and at the same time, Tabitha was engaged to her ex fiance. Maybe it's a coincidence but who knows. The world is so small isn't it??? Link to post Share on other sites
ella23 Posted February 2, 2010 Share Posted February 2, 2010 Two similar posts explaining the same story in their own version. Mark was about to get married to his pregnant ex fiancee and at the same time, Tabitha was engaged to her ex fiance. Maybe it's a coincidence but who knows. The world is so small isn't it??? Tabitha did say that this story was a little different from hers. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 OP you have soo many wonderful bits of advice from the readers here ! There were so many good ones I couldn'y click on all of them Bottom Line : DO NOT marry her ! DO NOT remain engaged to her . The MAIN reason is that she seems to be addicted to the ex. It would not surprise me if this baby is his ... It could be your baby too so ... The parents are trying to pawn her off and recoup the wedding costs....RUN!! Link to post Share on other sites
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