Am I reading too much into this, is there hope????!!!

[Mathias93]

Hello all! I have been browsing this forum for quite a while and have found the advice to be both helpful and at times inspirational. I broke up with my girlfriend about 2 months and 1 week ago. We dated for 2 and a half years. The reason we broke up, quite simply, is that she felt I would never be able to get it together enough to find a career, stick with it, and be a breadwinning husband and father.

 

I was in medical school but got to the point where my study mechanisms were overcome by my disorder. I have attention deficit disorder and was battling deep depression (which I did not realize at the time.) I also had some resentment towards her because she kept talking to her ex boyfriend even when I told her it bothered me. This is really not important to me now as I am trying to win her back, and am fairly certain that he is just a landing cushion and a dead end for her.

 

I am taking medication for my ADD and depression now and am seeing a therapist to help me become a better and stronger person. I took my medical boards and did extremely well on them. What a difference the medication and therapy has made! I am doing all of the things I had set out to do.

 

I took the LSAT for law school and have been applying and interviewing for a spot with a pharmaceutical company. My goal is to get a pharmaceutical position and then pursue finishing my MD or getting a JD and working in corporate law. Paradoxically, my progress is very frustrating. Why couldn't I see this while she and I where together??? Sorry about the long intro, just thought some background would be helpful.

 

We lived together for a year and I was devastated when we broke up. I sincerely believe that we are a great fit and now that I have had some time to step back, I really know that I want this to work. I observed the no contact rule strictly. We had two dogs between us and my dog would often go and stay at her apartment during the day while I worked. She would leave me little notes that were just about business like stuff that needed to be picked up etc.

 

I left her a birthday card on Dec 18 and about a month before a congrats card (she got into grad school). She called me on Friday and we really got a chance to talk. I told her about what was going on with my life and she caught me up. When I told her about my progress she asked why I didn’t do it when we were together. All I could tell her is that I was not thinking clearly and did not understand the damage I was doing to us as a couple. My cell phone was losing charge so I asked if I could call her back. She said yes.

 

I did not call and she called back again on Sunday and we talked again. She said that her dad was devastated that we had broken up and that he thought I “hung the moon.” I was very nice and let her know that I did not blame her for breaking up at the time, I had nothing to offer her. She said that I was so intelligent and talented and could do anything I put my mind to. I asked if we could meet and talk and she said that she was still feeling “tender”.

 

My questions are many! How do I keep from screwing this up? I am so in love with her and want so badly to be together but realize that I must be patient and consistent. How do I know when to make a move? I was thinking that when I get one of these pharmaceutical jobs that I could ask her on a date and take it very slowly if she agrees, and not live together again until we are married if it even gets to that point. Her favorite musical Oklahoma is coming to town at the end of January and I asked if she might want to go. She replied ”Well, I do love Oklahoma.” Not yes and not no.

 

I got a call from my friend who said that my ex had shown up at the park with her dog. This is the park where I walk everyday after work with my dog. I was still at work though. She called me last Friday and we started off with small talk and eventually moved a little into "us" as in her asking why I didn't make these improvements in my life while we were together. She called again on Sunday and I talked to her briefly yesterday. My question is, am I just reading into this too much? Do you think there is some hope?The last time she came to the park was just after we split two months ago! Any advice would be welcome!!!

 

Please help me out here folks. Is it unhealthy to harbor hope? Is there still a chance? What steps should I take? I read a couple of books regarding getting your ex back but would love any additional advice!

 

Thank you so much for reading through this epic!

[HurtinginVA]

We lived together for a year and I was devastated when we broke up. I sincerely believe that we are a great fit and now that I have had some time to step back, I really know that I want this to work. I observed the no contact rule strictly. We had two dogs between us and my dog would often go and stay at her apartment during the day while I worked. She would leave me little notes that were just about business like stuff that needed to be picked up etc.

 

I left her a birthday card on Dec 18 and about a month before a congrats card (she got into grad school). She called me on Friday and we really got a chance to talk. I told her about what was going on with my life and she caught me up. When I told her about my progress she asked why I didn’t do it when we were together. All I could tell her is that I was not thinking clearly and did not understand the damage I was doing to us as a couple. My cell phone was losing charge so I asked if I could call her back. She said yes.

 

I did not call and she called back again on Sunday and we talked again. She said that her dad was devastated that we had broken up and that he thought I “hung the moon.” I was very nice and let her know that I did not blame her for breaking up at the time, I had nothing to offer her. She said that I was so intelligent and talented and could do anything I put my mind to. I asked if we could meet and talk and she said that she was still feeling “tender”.

 

My questions are many! How do I keep from screwing this up? I am so in love with her and want so badly to be together but realize that I must be patient and consistent. How do I know when to make a move? I was thinking that when I get one of these pharmaceutical jobs that I could ask her on a date and take it very slowly if she agrees, and not live together again until we are married if it even gets to that point. Her favorite musical Oklahoma is coming to town at the end of January and I asked if she might want to go. She replied ”Well, I do love Oklahoma.” Not yes and not no.

 

I got a call from my friend who said that my ex had shown up at the park with her dog. This is the park where I walk everyday after work with my dog. I was still at work though. She called me last Friday and we started off with small talk and eventually moved a little into "us" as in her asking why I didn't make these improvements in my life while we were together. She called again on Sunday and I talked to her briefly yesterday. My question is, am I just reading into this too much? Do you think there is some hope?The last time she came to the park was just after we split two months ago! Any advice would be welcome!!!

 

Please help me out here folks. Is it unhealthy to harbor hope? Is there still a chance? What steps should I take? I read a couple of books regarding getting your ex back but would love any additional advice!

 

Thank you so much for reading through this epic!

 

Hope is not unhealthy!! What do we have if we dont have hope? Sounds to me like she wants to believe that you have changed things around in your life but she cant be sure. Maybe she's a little distrustful ("tender"), a little worried that maybe you might slip back into old habits (they ARE hard to break). I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by letting her come to you, so to speak, and letting her take things at her own pace. Maybe once you guys talk in person, face to face, you can let her know how you feel about her and how you would like things to work out between you etc... but I would bring up not living together until youre married or whatever, that might scare her a bit. (to know you are thinking that far ahead when she's going day to day, ya know?)

 

I wouldnt totally let her make ALL of the contacts though, let her know youre interested and that you enjoy talking to her, ask her again about Oklahoma, closer to the time so it doesnt make her feel like she's committing to something "so far away(time wise").

 

Hope all that made sense to you. I definately wouldnt give up, not yet anyways!

[moimeme]

I think you are doing it exactly perfectly. It sounds as though she wishes it could have worked out. If you can show her that the meds and therapy have helped you make real changes, I'm guessing she'll want you back. It will take time to undo the damage that may have been caused and to prove that the changes are genuine. Slow and steady, I think, will win you the course this time.

[mr_roggger]

I agree with both the replies! I would usually recommend no contact for a while (that's what I did and it appears to be working) and then let her initiate contact, but as she has already initiated contact with you I see no harm in calling her every once in a while. Still give it enough time between calls for her to have missed you and you will also have plenty to talk about with no awkward silences. I think the musical is a good idea, but it is no use for talking if you want to do that too! It's good that she said "well it is my favourite musical"!

[Mathias93]

Thanks to all of you for your replies! Okay, so how long to wait between contacts? I have always tried to keep it upbeat and friendly. Do you think that there will be a clear indication that she wants to come back? If there is a chance in the future, I DON'T WANT TO MISS IT!!!!

[InLoKo]

It seems to me that she is starting to move towards you. All the signs are there. I believe that if you have hope and remain positive, like attracts like. You have the bonus of her father supporting you, which is an enormous plus inyour favour. She must still have feelings for you. Keep up the good work you have been doing on yourself. That will impress her (as long as you don't fish for compliments about it from her). She's not a fool...she can see for herself how well you're doing, no doubt. I would initiate contact once a week at this stage, keeping it pleasant and friendly, as you have been.

[Mathias93]

Thanks InLoKo, I am so nervous! I am just going to continue to better myself and hope for the best!

[mr_roggger]

I believe the key is to do things to improve yourself that she can see for herself, rather than trying to make her see these things!

[SorryBastard]

Ok, Mathias, I've never posted before, but I felt compelled to give you some advice since your situation is somewhat similar to mine. My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me a few months ago also. At first I asked for her back, told her I'd changed, I still loved her, all that nonsense. Of course it didn't work.

 

Anyway, I started reading some books also, realized that I had to be happy and strong and confident in order to win her back. I had already changed fundamentally, so that wasn't an issue. Anyway, we ended up hanging out one time, so I applied all those techniques and she began to warm up to me. All of a sudden she agreed to seeing me again and seemed excited about it. Called me that night to say some nice things. We hung out again and I still did well, but not as well as the first time. Still it ended nicely with her expressing some regret that our relationship didn't work, which I took as a good sign. Again we left on good terms.

 

Now, I made the biggest mistake of all. I got cocky. I didn't psyche myself up before seeing her the third time. She has been seeing another guy since we broke up, and until that day I was able to convey that I was happy for her, without sounding too ridiculous (since my being completely over her would have been too much of a stretch). Anyway, I found myself not following my plan, saying dumb things, arguing with her a little, trying to reason here and there. Just huge mistakes. Then she mentioned a couple things about her new guy friend, and it killed me (even though it was hardly news to me). Eventually, I flipped out. Lost control, told her to **** off, etc. Basically I had an opportunity and blew it big time.

 

So my advice is simply this: STAY STRONG. Do not let the fact that she seems to be interested again go to your head. Whatever you do, treat her as if every time you see her is the first time since breaking up. No pressure, no anger, nothing but positivity and happiness. Let your happiness to be seeing her permeate you. Whatever you do, don't get jealous (probably doesn't apply in your case), resentful or spiteful. No disapproval. No criticizing. Nothing she did was that bad. Breaking up was understandable. You get the idea. You seem to be doing well so far, so I would keep that up.

 

But DO NOT pressure her to start seeing you more than she's comfortable doing. I know I had to ask a few too many times for that third "date" with her, which was a mistake. At the first sign of reluctance, my response should have been, "ok, well if you're busy, that's no big deal." Or "if you're unsure, then we'll just do it another time. Don't worry about it." Et cetera.

 

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, man. Those two days with her were easily the best and happiest of my entire life. Don't allow yourself to lose out on a lifetime of that feeling for one moment of stress-relieving rage, or as a result of laziness or complacence. Good luck.