Starting NC

[alg24]

So after MM finding my cell phone with text messages to W (they were getting

 

divorced/ already separated), oh wait then going to her house to attempt to

 

get my cell phone back, he officially despises me and wants nothing to do with

 

me. We have had NC now for three days... I know your right Fooled Onced- I

 

am looking into getting professional help. But everyone this really hurts,

 

before when we did NC or whatever I knew he didn't hate me so much. Now

 

its official... When he saw me two days ago driving he flipped me off... He

 

was using me for a place to stay before, and now that he is staying in

 

housing at work he has no reason to try to come to me... Which does not matter.

 

But it really hurts.. He was the first man I "cared about." Went away with,

 

did things with, spent the night, "fell in love with." We had broken up and

 

gotten back together MANY times... Now it done. It hurts so bad... My

 

question is NOT will he come back but how do I make this pain easier. I

 

don't stare at my phone, I will NOT text/call him, I continue life... But today

 

ALL I did was cry... I miss sleeping next to him, him cuddling close to me,

 

his smile, doing things together... As I mentioned a previous thread my best

 

friend is coming tomorrow... Living with me for a month... I am sorry for

 

posting all the time. It just hurts everyone. I am crying now. We spoke 3-4

 

times a day, saw each other everyday.. Now nothing.

[fooled once]

So after MM finding my cell phone with text messages to W (they were getting

 

divorced/ already separated), oh wait then going to her house to attempt to

 

get my cell phone back, he officially despises me and wants nothing to do with

 

me. We have had NC now for three days... I know your right Fooled Onced- I

 

am looking into getting professional help. But everyone this really hurts,

 

before when we did NC or whatever I knew he didn't hate me so much. Now

 

its official... When he saw me two days ago driving he flipped me off... He

 

was using me for a place to stay before, and now that he is staying in

 

housing at work he has no reason to try to come to me... Which does not matter.

 

But it really hurts.. He was the first man I "cared about." Went away with,

 

did things with, spent the night, "fell in love with." We had broken up and

 

gotten back together MANY times... Now it done. It hurts so bad... My

 

question is NOT will he come back but how do I make this pain easier. I

 

don't stare at my phone, I will NOT text/call him, I continue life... But today

 

ALL I did was cry... I miss sleeping next to him, him cuddling close to me,

 

his smile, doing things together... As I mentioned a previous thread my best

 

friend is coming tomorrow... Living with me for a month... I am sorry for

 

posting all the time. It just hurts everyone. I am crying now. We spoke 3-4

 

times a day, saw each other everyday.. Now nothing.

 

This is the best thing for you, it really is. I know you are hurting, I really do. But he is NOT right for you, not the man for you and he doesn't love you.

 

I know you put a lot of faith and trust in him and got hurt. In a couple years, you are going to look back and realize what you felt for him was NOT love.

 

*hug*

 

Please, please STICK to NC. You just posted the other day that you were starting and now, here we are again.

 

I am actually glad he 'hates' you -- it will make it easier for you, it really will. Please please please -- call and get that counseling appointment set up

 

I DO wish the best for you -- you are so young and you have such a full life ahead of you. Please do your best to not think of the past, wallow in the memories, etc. Please. When does your friend arrive? I am so glad you are going to have someone there to keep you occupied. Give yourself 1-2 days to tell her it all, then PUT IT ASIDE and don't dwell on him. Talk to her about her life. There is nothing worse than a friend feeling like he/she doesn't care because the other friend is full of self pity and selfishness about their life.

 

Plan things for you and your friend to do.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!

[alg24]

Hey fooled once...

Thank you

 

I have been keeping the NC since my previous post, but it hurts SO bad. NC now has been for.. Happened thursday night, friday some contact... 3 days NC. I know its not much but I will NOT. I repeat NOT text/call him. When I say it hurts so bad, I don't want to go back to him but is this normal to be such a mess? I have truly never been in a breakup before in my life where I actually was so "attached?" to the guy... Yesterday I cried ALL day.. Last night I went to be fine, but this morning from 5am-7 crying and crying. I keep thinking about the memories, how I really did betray his trust in speaking to the W= he should hate me, (I am aware of all the bad things he did).. As I said to my best friend I knew it had to end... But ending this way... I hoped we could have made it through the next three months, then we would both leave this small seasonal town. I see him EVERYWHERE, and I promise I am not stalking haha. Our work is a mile apart... Live ten minutes away from each other... But its over. I am seeking professional help... But when does it get easier? I know I shouldn't focus on this, but he doesn't feel the pain. He was already sep./getting the divorce now he blames me. (We live in a no fault divorce state.. He is to stupid to understand anything) I don't want to be a crying mess and all about me when my best friend comes...

[alg24]

I should have renamed this thread... I was looking for advice on when NC starts is it normal to be such a "wreck?" Or the first couple days of NC very difficult.

 

He and I have broken it off a million times. Fooled once, you are not stupid... Part of me wants to go back. I no that is wrong. But him not wanting me.. Its messed up. If he called and I got a chance to ignore him, then I could see he at least "cares." Stupid thinking. So what, we go the next 3 months and he never tries to contact me? Is it that easy for him to throw me out?

[jennie-jennie]

NC is pure hell period.

[Brokenlady]

, how I really did betray his trust in speaking to the W= he should hate me

 

Funny, it was ok for him to betray his wife and you, yet he feels it's ok to be all indignant at what you did. The reason he's pissed is you ended his fun little game. You closed the circle and the jig is up. He's acting like a toddler whose toy got taken away. You want a man, not a toddler. The fact that he's being so juvenile about this speaks volumes about his character.

[alg24]

True. The W I think has really acted no different from when he returned until now. Even after all of this sick drama. She is done with him and if he can be sane/ suitable father he can see/spend time with his kids. She has made it clear to both of us that she doesn't care what he does as long as he does not bring the crap into his family. I felt awful for her. And she was so amazing to me, which she didn't need to be... Even the next day she texted me to make sure he was leaving me alone and I was okay-- (he was calling friends etc)

 

It just hurts so bad. I would not go back, but in a way I wish he would call.. I won't lie about that. When we got into a huge fight during my birthday.. Car chasing... Sick sick stuff. I left... During that week he would not talk to me... I texted him once... Got a **** you written back to me.. But in the end when I went back who picked me up at the airport? Yep MM. I was stupid... He told me that its crazy but he missed me during the week.

 

i know he does not care, he does not miss me. But does he miss the routine we both had? I went every morning to his work bringing coffee, helped him a little, did what i needed to, spent time in the afternoon, etc.

 

I know he is done this time. This is the end... But wow does it hurt. I have NEVER cried so much in my life... But I know its for the better. But I did care a great deal for him. He makes me feel like its all my fault.

[alg24]

I must also add.

 

Seeing how he treated the W.. It is sinking in. She is this amazing woman. Works so hard, provides for her family, and such a lady. Look what he did to her. Last year the broken promises he made to me. What he told me this summer...

 

A couple weeks ago he told me he couldn't handle the fighting... Fighting all the time with me, fighting with the W, he couldn't handle it... What did I want from him? Was I waiting to be with him? Open your eyes... (This summer he told me HE wanted to be with me, I said it was impossible) He was sorry for being so crazy, and I am such an amazing girl. He didn't want to keep hurting me, and breaking my heart more. His life is ****, my life as well, but he is scared and doesn't know what to do...

 

But now I truly think the final straw was finding out/seeing me in the driveway with his W. Seeing all the text messages... Anyone in a similar situation? Now that we live in this seasonal town will things get worse? Or just keep NC and he will do the same. Its so painful we are right next to each other.

[fooled once]

I should have renamed this thread... I was looking for advice on when NC starts is it normal to be such a "wreck?" Or the first couple days of NC very difficult.

 

He and I have broken it off a million times. Fooled once, you are not stupid... Part of me wants to go back. I no that is wrong. But him not wanting me.. Its messed up. If he called and I got a chance to ignore him, then I could see he at least "cares." Stupid thinking. So what, we go the next 3 months and he never tries to contact me? Is it that easy for him to throw me out?

 

Sweetie, it IS hard. It hurts to the bone, to the core of your soul. I was going through it with an 8 year old I had to take care of.

 

It will get better ~ I PROMISE.

 

He is so sick and twisted .... honey, you don't want him 'wanting' you. He will only try to suck you back in. I know he still cares about you; but he doesn't need to call you to confirm that.

 

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG --- STOP blaming yourself. STOP. You didn't disrespect him. This man verbally, emotionally and PHYSICALLY hurt you. He had no right, NO RIGHT, to do that to you. Telling his wife of his games, of his manipulation, of his lies doesn't equal what he did to you.

 

You WILL get over him. This is your first 'real' relationship and what a dozzy it was But you will get over him.

 

((((((hugs)))))))

[alg24]

Thanks fooled once... You seem so wise and strong...

 

He sent me a blank text messaged today. Don't care...

Saw him today... He sorta looked/stared at me... I looked at him briefly with blank expression and kept going. But no phone call from him... And I will NOT call/text.

My best friend just moved into my apartment for the next month or so.. She is in her later twenties but VERY mature. She does not approve of this "relationship" and views it as very toxic and dangerous.

 

So yea.. It REALLY hurts. But I am taking it step by step...

 

I cried my eyes out today... A little calmer now...

 

Taking it day by day... Still looking for professional help...

 

This still hurts.

[fooled once]

How are you doing today?

 

Are you enjoying your time with your friend?

 

(((hug))))

[alg24]

Hey! Today is the first day I have not cried. I have had my moments of sadness, but no tears. Yesterday and the day before I was bawling. So far 4 days NC. (He sent me a blank text message monday?) I saw him yesterday leaving my barn and he looked at me with a blank expression and sorta watched me but I trotted my horse away. Today I rode near his barn (like I normally do) There was a moment we were very close (a canal of water between us) but no hello, nod, etc.

 

Friend is great. Amazing having her here. She is so positive and just a great influence. She is in her later 20s. Very mature and has a good head on her shoulder. Tonight I cooked us a nice dinner and we watched a movie. Tomorrow night we might go out to a local place and have drinks... Trying to stay busy and social.

 

I think what hurts me the most about MM is I did crazy things. The last 2 yrs were crazy. At the end the bad was more than the good. I know it does not matter what he thinks, but he is going to remember me as this crazy girl he was with for two years. I think about what if I did this differently. But I know what I did wrong-- for development purposes and learning. But I truly know that regardless of how much I "changed" (haha) It would have been the same **** with him. Right now I am calm. If he called to tell me its over, or I saw him with a girl I would have a melt down. But now I am just calm. I don't look at the phone expecting him to call. It does hurt...

[pureinheart]

So after MM finding my cell phone with text messages to W (they were getting

 

divorced/ already separated), oh wait then going to her house to attempt to

 

get my cell phone back, he officially despises me and wants nothing to do with

 

me. .

 

Hey alg24,

 

In reading your thread I am so glad you connected with FO, that is so important during this time...oh man JJ...pure hell I think is an understatement. Anyway, may I ask if you and almost exW were friends prior. I understand if you feel this an imposing question. I realise I could be crossing boundries here so forgive me if I am...k...

 

In reading I saw things were getting better for you a bit.....

[alg24]

Hi-

 

W (soon to be exW) and I were never friends. She tried to contact me a couple times... I contacted her last May in regards to him giving me herpes-- not my business if they will work things out or head for divorce but he has this.. (She never knew, and pretty sure she doesn't have it) When MM and I both came back to seasonal town (W lives in seasonal town all year round) we got in contact again. I think before she viewed me as this evil whatever... Then realized I was very young and he was manipulated me etc. (Me being 21 and she 40.. He is 38) So yea... We are not friends... But she has been so beyond kind, diplomatic, and nice towards me... After everything blew up she even texted me the next day to make sure I was okay and he was leaving me/friends alone.

[alg24]

I think she also saw that everything I said added up. Fit the puzzle pieces. I had no desire to hurt her, but was honest.

 

This NC hurts so bad... I saw him yesterday... He sorta glances at me but you can tell wants nothing to do with me... It just hurts.. I know its for the best, its over, but its killing me.

[Meaplus3]

NC is pure hell period.

 

Jennie is spot on here. But, its within this period that the healing begins. Emotional connections are broken.. and one can begin to think and see in a much more rational way. Stick to NC.. and watch it's amazing power take hold. You can do it.

 

Mea:)

[fooled once]

I am glad your friend is there to keep you occupied.

 

Keep doing what you are doing -- NOT responding to him He is trying to get a reaction out of you and he figures by acting like a jerk or sending you an empty text (is he 3 years old) that you will respond, at least with anger, because then he can claim you can't stay away from him

 

Sweetheart, I know this is easy for me to say...but who gives a flying F what he thinks of you. I guarantee you he isn't wondering why he treated you so poorly. I bet he isn't thinking he did screwed up. I bet he isn't taking any blame for anything.

[Samantha0905]

Funny, it was ok for him to betray his wife and you, yet he feels it's ok to be all indignant at what you did. The reason he's pissed is you ended his fun little game. You closed the circle and the jig is up. He's acting like a toddler whose toy got taken away. You want a man, not a toddler. The fact that he's being so juvenile about this speaks volumes about his character.

 

This is what jumped out at me also. Hell, I've been a WS and I agree -- he has no reason to be indignant.

 

Plus OP, although I don't know your situation completely -- just this thread alone -- with him having passed on herpes, flipping you off, texting **** you, etc. This is a 38 year old man? You sound more mature than him and you are 21.

 

Please remain in no contact with this person. I wouldn't worry at all about what he thinks or does.

 

I'm glad you had a no tears day. I'm sure it's extremely hard at first. Stay strong.

[alg24]

Hi-

 

Today I saw him driving and he gave me the finger... I was having a bad day and it hit a nerve... Whatever, I was stupid and text messaged him. I sent it to the phone that was ONLY for us. I wasn't nasty but just said it was not necessary to give me the finger blah blah. Lets just respect each other and pretend we don't even know each other.

He has his AT&T phone for everyday use etc. I did not call him or text him on that. The verizon phone was only for us- he has never used it for anyone else. I don't even understand why he still has it on, let alone checking the text messages etc. Anyway, he text messaged my friend and said tell (my name) to stop text messaging me. I will call the police. She has caused enough problems.

I know I should not try to understand this. I was so beyond stupid in messaging him. I will continue the NC tomorrow. I doubt he will call/text me but I need to avoid and pretend he is not living in the same town, etc.

If this is finished why doesn't he get rid of the phone? I should not be texting him, yes I understand that, but why is he even checking phone?

He just really hurts me. But I know this is not healthy etc. His bosses daughter, we are friends, and invited me to the barn where he works... I make an excuse and told her I cannot-- really busy lately... I am not making excuses or ways to see him. I just want it to be done and leave each other alone. It really hurts, and I hate how hurtful he is.

 

Thank you everyone.

[MizzBlue72]

Oh - you go ahead. You are grieving, and yes, it hurts like hell, but you will get over it.

The time will help. Days will get easier.

Keep busy. Keep active.

 

If you don't have a hobby, find one. Find something to immerse yourself in.

 

HUGE hugs .....

[pureinheart]

Hi-

 

W (soon to be exW) and I were never friends. She tried to contact me a couple times... I contacted her last May in regards to him giving me herpes-- not my business if they will work things out or head for divorce but he has this.. (She never knew, and pretty sure she doesn't have it) When MM and I both came back to seasonal town (W lives in seasonal town all year round) we got in contact again. I think before she viewed me as this evil whatever... Then realized I was very young and he was manipulated me etc. (Me being 21 and she 40.. He is 38) So yea... We are not friends... But she has been so beyond kind, diplomatic, and nice towards me... After everything blew up she even texted me the next day to make sure I was okay and he was leaving me/friends alone.

 

Wow, saying I am so sorry all of this has happened to you just doesn't seem to be enough, you know....the pain and heartache...my thoughts are with you, I wish there was something I could really do....words just do not seem to be enough.....

[fooled once]

Hi-

 

Today I saw him driving and he gave me the finger... I was having a bad day and it hit a nerve... Whatever, I was stupid and text messaged him. I sent it to the phone that was ONLY for us. I wasn't nasty but just said it was not necessary to give me the finger blah blah. Lets just respect each other and pretend we don't even know each other.

He has his AT&T phone for everyday use etc. I did not call him or text him on that. The verizon phone was only for us- he has never used it for anyone else. I don't even understand why he still has it on, let alone checking the text messages etc. Anyway, he text messaged my friend and said tell (my name) to stop text messaging me. I will call the police. She has caused enough problems.

I know I should not try to understand this. I was so beyond stupid in messaging him. I will continue the NC tomorrow. I doubt he will call/text me but I need to avoid and pretend he is not living in the same town, etc.

If this is finished why doesn't he get rid of the phone? I should not be texting him, yes I understand that, but why is he even checking phone?

He just really hurts me. But I know this is not healthy etc. His bosses daughter, we are friends, and invited me to the barn where he works... I make an excuse and told her I cannot-- really busy lately... I am not making excuses or ways to see him. I just want it to be done and leave each other alone. It really hurts, and I hate how hurtful he is.

 

Thank you everyone.

 

Stop it, stop it, stop it!! I am gonna come and bonk you on the head

 

You are obsessing about him. Stop it.

 

For all you know, he uses that phone for everyone else now. It isn't the phone for " you guys " anymore. There is no more you guys.

 

Put your phone down -- better yet -- erase his number from your phone. And how and why does he have your friend's phone number? Both of you BLOCK him.

 

And no more texting him -- PROMISE me!!!????!!!!

 

Al ((hug)) I know you are hurting, I DO understand that. But you are still trying to 'understand' him or get a reaction from him that he still cares for you.

 

It is over -- really -- over. It has to be for YOUR sanity, for YOUR mental health. Honey, please, please, please stop thinking you two can be friendly, civil or decent to each other.

 

YOU can only control YOUR actions and YOUR reactions. Stop letting him consume you. Stop obsessing over him.

 

I know part of it is your age and your youth (I mean that in a nice way). Part of it is because you are so inexperienced in relationships.

 

But this is NOT a healthy relationship and never has been. You are giving him POWER over you. Take your power back!!

 

Stop breaking NC and saying "he isn't going to get in touch with me" when you and I both know, in your heart, you are wanting that. It is okay to want that, but it isn't okay to fret about it, to do the reverse psychology on yourself "if I think he won't, then maybe he will".

 

GRIEVE. CRY. BE SAD.

 

But then pull your big girl panties on and deal with it. (hug)

 

Have you gotten any further in your research for a counselor?? What are your weekend plans? I think it is too early for you to go to 'his' barn. You aren't ready for it - emotionally. You can't handle.

 

I only wish happiness for you and if you let yourself, in time, you will be happy again!!!

[alg24]

Hi-

 

I won't contact him.

 

He saw me today and gave me the finger AGAIN. Whatever.

 

The W and I spoke today. She told me that he called her yesterday and today telling her that she needs to tell me I need to leave him alone. Stop texting him, following him, and harassing him. (Umm.. I only texted him yesterday-- the last 6 days prior I was not texting him) Our barns are very close to each other... Across from each other but a canal in the middle... So we travel the same road. When he gives me the finger I don't response... Today I was wearing black sunglasses and did not do anything when he flipped me off- actually I was on a business call... I don't follow him or stalk him. I travel that road 3-4 times I day to go to MY barn. I will NOT go to his barn. His bosses daughter always invites me, I make excuses saying sorry I can't go... I will not open that can of worms... I just want to be left alone, I will do the same for him....

 

Supposedly has really gone off the deep end though. Freaked at W telling her that she is such a bitch and that is why he has cheated on her blah blah. And she called the police on him yesterday. He has been sleeping in the tack room at the barn. On a cold night he called her 12AM asking if he could please come inside the house, she is like where are you? (she kicked him out 9pm after putting kids to bed) He was sleeping in the truck in the driveway! Whatever not my business or concern. This morning he went to a barn where they keep their personal horses (she controls everything and trains them, he has no business touching them) He took two of them.. PS- threatening her a week ago he would steal the horses.

 

I guess I am lucky I am done with him.

 

It does hurt. But I realize if he never found the phone then he would be continuing to use me and pull me down. He is out of control, very sick, and dangerous. I feel bad for the W and happy he hates me. It does hurt, but each time he flips me off makes me hate him more. I don't seek him out during the day, and have actually changed my schedule around in hopes of avoiding him.

 

Put a call into professional help. Hanging out with my best friend too (who lives with me) Thank you everyone

 

Funny and sick how he calls his W to tell her to tell me to leave him alone. He told her, tell your friend (my name) to leave me alone, I can't stand her. (Telling soon to be XW to call XMistress and tell her to leave MM alone.. Hmm...)

[alg24]

Thank you everyone again. I know I am obsessing etc. I need to stop focusing on him. I have been hanging out with my friends more. Dinners etc. Doing social things that I really haven't done in awhile. I want my life, my happiness, and sanity back. I do wish MM the best, and ready to step away and keep away. This is not healthy in anyway shape or form. I know we can never be friends, and don't need to be friends. I can't control him but I can control myself. I will keep ignoring him and continue forward.

[Hazyhead]

Thank you everyone again. I know I am obsessing etc. I need to stop focusing on him. I have been hanging out with my friends more. Dinners etc. Doing social things that I really haven't done in awhile. I want my life, my happiness, and sanity back. I do wish MM the best, and ready to step away and keep away. This is not healthy in anyway shape or form. I know we can never be friends, and don't need to be friends. I can't control him but I can control myself. I will keep ignoring him and continue forward.

 

Good for you Alg Keep on doing this and it will get better, I promise. When I first started NC and everyone said that I would feel better in time, I honestly didn't really believe them; I thought 'but I'm too in love with him to not be in contact. That will feel so much worse!' but I was wrong. Every day is a little easier. Every day I think of him a little bit less. He does not own my thoughts and motivations any more - I do. Your MM sounds like a real douchbag and you are so, SO much better off not being involved with him. I would be very surprised if he did not end up with his wife either - he doesn't deserve either of you.

 

Continue moving forward and start to enjoy your life without him.

 

Good luck Alg ((((hugs))))