Starting NC

[alg24]

Thank you... I'm trying very hard... This hurts so bad. For the past three days now I have been very depressed. (Won't do anything stupid, but just sad and feel like my life has no purpose/meaning) I sleep all night, but when I wake up all I do is cry... Not is a very good place. Don't worry- will not call him (he has already rejected me so what is the point?)

 

What makes me feeling better is that the W hates him... I no they are 100% getting the divorce. I am beyond sorry for her pain. She did not deserve this. But it would kill me if I knew she took him back... Just how I feel, not my business. I hate how she lets him stay in the guest room, takes pity on him because she does not have a "cruel bone." MM calling her a bitch and telling her thats why he cheated on her, then when she kicks him out hours later she lets him back in because its cold outside? (He was sleeping in truck in driveway) Not my business, need to not focus on that, but its so hard not to think about it and obsess. How do you stop obsessing? It hurts so bad. I should NOT focus on him, but it does not hurt him at all. I can't do this for the next three months.. But I can't leave.

 

I know that when I was with him I wasn't happy. But the pain was less with him than without him, hence why I stayed. But I am in such an unhappy rut.

 

And I feel like I am obsessing BEYOND believe. Hey, at least I can admit it.

[fooled once]

Thank you... I'm trying very hard... This hurts so bad. For the past three days now I have been very depressed. (Won't do anything stupid, but just sad and feel like my life has no purpose/meaning) I sleep all night, but when I wake up all I do is cry... Not is a very good place. Don't worry- will not call him (he has already rejected me so what is the point?)

 

What makes me feeling better is that the W hates him... I no they are 100% getting the divorce. I am beyond sorry for her pain. She did not deserve this. But it would kill me if I knew she took him back... Just how I feel, not my business. I hate how she lets him stay in the guest room, takes pity on him because she does not have a "cruel bone." MM calling her a bitch and telling her thats why he cheated on her, then when she kicks him out hours later she lets him back in because its cold outside? (He was sleeping in truck in driveway) Not my business, need to not focus on that, but its so hard not to think about it and obsess. How do you stop obsessing? It hurts so bad. I should NOT focus on him, but it does not hurt him at all. I can't do this for the next three months.. But I can't leave.

 

I know that when I was with him I wasn't happy. But the pain was less with him than without him, hence why I stayed. But I am in such an unhappy rut.

 

And I feel like I am obsessing BEYOND believe. Hey, at least I can admit it.

 

Couple things...

 

You said in your earlier post

 

But I think he is 100% finished with me. I crossed a line that cannot be fixed.

 

I don't want you to be mad at me, but I hope to God he is finished and I hope that line you supposedly crossed stays in his mind. I fear you aren't strong enough YET to reject him.

 

I think in a couple weeks time, you will be much stronger. But not right now ((hug))

 

You are doing great! I really am proud of you.

 

Try to embrace your sadness. Grieve it. BUT then I want you to pull up your big girl panties and realize there are much worse things out there.

 

In about 1 month, it will be the 1 year anniversary of my 3 year old niece's sudden death. It makes me cry to just think about it. I cannot image my bro and SIL and how they are dealing.

 

As sick as this sounds, realize you don't have it nearly as bad as someone else. You are alive, you are healthy, you will go on and love again. You will hurt, you will cry, but you will become stronger with each passing day.

 

Be gentle on yourself, it took you a while to develop feelings, it will take a bit for those feelings to go away.

 

Just remember that he is NOT a good person -- he is sick - literally - in the head. It isn't your job to fix him, it isn't your job to comfort him.

 

We each have to OWN what we do in our lives - take personal responsibility. You are doing that. He isn't. That isn't your responsibility to help him come to terms with what a nut he is.

 

Try to not focus on him...when you see that you are, get up and do something. Turn on some music, shake your fanny, call a friend...change what you are doing so that you have to refocus.

 

((hug)) slowly, you will begin to feel good again --- I PROMISE ((hug))

[alg24]

FO I am so beyond sorry about your niece's passing. That is just beyond horrific. The pain you and your family must be feeling... Wow, I am so beyond beyond sorry. This must be a very difficult time right now- you are in my thoughts. So sorry.

 

"I don't want you to be mad at me, but I hope to God he is finished and I hope that line you supposedly crossed stays in his mind. I fear you aren't strong enough YET to reject him."--- Fooled Onced

 

I am not mad at you. It makes it a lot easier if he hates me. I was just stating that he hates me and i doubt he would ever want to have contact with me again... I am very weak. BUT if he contacted me, I would not response. There is nothing to say. Would only hurt more.

 

"As sick as this sounds, realize you don't have it nearly as bad as someone else. You are alive, you are healthy, you will go on and love again. You will hurt, you will cry, but you will become stronger with each passing day."-- Fooled Once

 

So beyond true.

 

 

 

 

FO it just hurts a lot. Today I was riding and literally ran into him. My best friend was standing on the canal with me and she told me to ignore him and keep riding. He would not look at me, and I did not look at him. I rode right past him a couple times focusing on what was ahead and my horse-- not him. It just hurts so bad....

 

I know this is wrong to ask... But is this just that easy for him... Never talk to me again or contact me?

[ladydesigner]

I know this is wrong to ask... But is this just that easy for him... Never talk to me again or contact me?

 

alg24 I sooooo remember thinking this same thought. I still do. Sometimes I think why isn't he breaking NC? Well duh that's why I initiated it. Arrrggghhh these things are so so very hard. You will start to get better. I am a year and a half out of the A and there are still times when I hurt about it. I think eventually it will just fade away...I hope.

 

You know what I think. I think it is easy for them otherwise they would contact, but what good is that going to do but put you right back where you are again. Does it really matter what they think? Nah What matters is YOU.

 

Be gentle on yourself, keep holding strong. One day you will move past this and be a much stronger person. Next time there hopefully won't be a next time and you'll make wiser decisions. I know I plan to.

 

Hang in there.

[fooled once]

FO I am so beyond sorry about your niece's passing. That is just beyond horrific. The pain you and your family must be feeling... Wow, I am so beyond beyond sorry. This must be a very difficult time right now- you are in my thoughts. So sorry.

 

"I don't want you to be mad at me, but I hope to God he is finished and I hope that line you supposedly crossed stays in his mind. I fear you aren't strong enough YET to reject him."--- Fooled Onced

 

I am not mad at you. It makes it a lot easier if he hates me. I was just stating that he hates me and i doubt he would ever want to have contact with me again... I am very weak. BUT if he contacted me, I would not response. There is nothing to say. Would only hurt more.

 

"As sick as this sounds, realize you don't have it nearly as bad as someone else. You are alive, you are healthy, you will go on and love again. You will hurt, you will cry, but you will become stronger with each passing day."-- Fooled Once

 

So beyond true.

 

 

 

 

FO it just hurts a lot. Today I was riding and literally ran into him. My best friend was standing on the canal with me and she told me to ignore him and keep riding. He would not look at me, and I did not look at him. I rode right past him a couple times focusing on what was ahead and my horse-- not him. It just hurts so bad....

 

I know this is wrong to ask... But is this just that easy for him... Never talk to me again or contact me?

 

 

He is angry at you so he is using that to hurt you and he KNOWS it hurts you so he will continue. He is waiting for you to contact him...again And you aren't .... right???? He is punishing you. He is a jerk and I hate how he is playing games with you.

 

Sweetie, I need you to find, for now, a different place to ride your horse. Is it fair that you need to do this? No, but you really do. I just worry that one of these times, there is going to be a confrontation. I am not worried for you physically but emotionally. Can you find somewhere else to ride?

[alg24]

Hey FO-- your so amazing...

 

Its literally impossible to not see him... It sucks... My roommate/ best friend even said it... And she is 27 normal and does NOT approve of this guy.

 

Heres a visual... When I drive to my barn I need to make a right turn onto this small dirt road... Barns are on the left hand side... Once I pass his barn on the left I go a little way up, pass a canal on the left, then I make a sharp left and there are barns left and right... My barn is two barns down once you make that left (on the left hand side) Once you pull into my barn if you look out the backyard there is grass (enough for a car to travel down) then the canal then his barn property. The barn is set off to the left but the track (where they ride the horses is literally right across from my barn) Our riding ring is in front of the barn- but to get to the horse shows I ride down the canal. Or if I need to prepare my horse I gallop him up and down the canal.

 

I would love to move (trust me I thought about it!) but I live in a seasonal town BUT pay off season rates at this barn because I left my horse there for the summer while I traveled. And we are talking couple thousand difference a month....

 

Its just the WORST. I don't think we will get in a fight when we see each other riding... He isn't that stupid. I try to avoid at all costs. I just got home from checking my horse and giving him a injection... When I was about to pull onto the dirt road he was ahead of me. I actually passed him. He was in a truck and I was in my car. I dare not look anyway... It just REALLY sucks. (I SWARE I am not following-- 100% no way I would have known he was traveling to the barn...)

 

I will not contact him. I don't think he is waiting for me to contact him, which is a good thing. Or is this just a sick game for him?

 

Regardless this really hurts...

 

I sat in my horses stall for a good ten minutes... I didn't cry but I just kept thinking how bad all of this hurts... Everyone says I was such a different person two years ago...

[alg24]

FO

 

I know this guy is bad for me. 100% bad. He has affected my physical and mental health. Does not change the fact that this hurts beyond belief. I do NOT want to be back with him, but I want this pain to go away. I would not try to contact him again... I will not call or go out of my way in attempts to see him. I truly do not think I will hear from him again. BUT if he ever did contact me I know it would have a beyond horrific negative effect on me and would set me way back. I cannot speak to this man-- I do know that. So I would never answer a call from him if he put me in that situation. Right now I am just trying to get through these next couple months... I will be A LOT easier to heal once we are in different states-- not having to see him a coupe times a week in passing. I am not be stupid either. I respect him in the sense that I just want to leave everything alone. I got all my stuff back a long time ago-- he wears some of my gym shirts or night shirts while riding-- I would NEVER text him and tell him I want them back. As far as I am concerned they are his now not mine. I would not contact his friends or attempt to hang out with them. Luckily he does not go out much. Socially we are in different circles. And honestly my friends find him old and creepy.

[fooled once]

FO

 

I know this guy is bad for me. 100% bad. He has affected my physical and mental health. Does not change the fact that this hurts beyond belief. I do NOT want to be back with him, but I want this pain to go away. I would not try to contact him again... I will not call or go out of my way in attempts to see him. I truly do not think I will hear from him again. BUT if he ever did contact me I know it would have a beyond horrific negative effect on me and would set me way back. I cannot speak to this man-- I do know that. So I would never answer a call from him if he put me in that situation. Right now I am just trying to get through these next couple months... I will be A LOT easier to heal once we are in different states-- not having to see him a coupe times a week in passing. I am not be stupid either. I respect him in the sense that I just want to leave everything alone. I got all my stuff back a long time ago-- he wears some of my gym shirts or night shirts while riding-- I would NEVER text him and tell him I want them back. As far as I am concerned they are his now not mine. I would not contact his friends or attempt to hang out with them. Luckily he does not go out much. Socially we are in different circles. And honestly my friends find him old and creepy.

 

Honey, I know you are hurting. I truly do. But you will get past it. You will. It just takes time. If I could wave a magic wand and take the hurt away from you, I would.

 

But, you are growing you are learning, you are changing. This is a new path, a new journey. Embrace it, even when it hurts. Feel it, don't try to stuff it down.

 

But it will get better, I promise!!

 

(((hugs))))

[alg24]

He is waiting for you to contact him...again And you aren't .... right???? He is punishing you. He is a jerk and I hate how he is playing games with you.

 

FO I don't understand that... Truly don't.. I know I need to focus on ME not him... But please explain.

 

I view it as he finally hit a point with me.. I crossed a line.. Its a blessing I do know that. But he is done with me... When he sees me now he ignores me, maybe looks at me when I don't know... So why would he want to contact me? Is it still a game for him? My best friend said its done for him and the next three months he will leave me alone UNLESS he has a negative response to give me. I have this unsettling feeling in my stomach that something with happen before he leaves as far as contact on his end... But perhaps my sense is off because how I feel.

[alg24]

I know it will get better. I promise FO I will NOT call. I will NOT text. Taking it each day... Thank you so much... You have been such a MAJOR MAJOR help. Your advice and wisdom. Really thank you. You have put everything into perspective, really helped calm me down, etc.

[fooled once]

FO I don't understand that... Truly don't.. I know I need to focus on ME not him... But please explain.

 

I view it as he finally hit a point with me.. I crossed a line.. Its a blessing I do know that. But he is done with me... When he sees me now he ignores me, maybe looks at me when I don't know... So why would he want to contact me? Is it still a game for him? My best friend said its done for him and the next three months he will leave me alone UNLESS he has a negative response to give me. I have this unsettling feeling in my stomach that something with happen before he leaves as far as contact on his end... But perhaps my sense is off because how I feel.

 

What I mean is -- he is a control freak. He has used his power over you in the past -- mentally and physically -- to get you to do what he wants. He isn't done; I can almost be positive about that.

 

He is expecting you to go running back to him, begging him for forgiveness. And when you don't - because YOU WON'T -- it is going to drive him crazy!! That is what I mean.

 

I am not saying he wants to get back with you ----- not at all. But he likes to control you and that is what he is going to have an issue with, not being able to control you.

 

You are really doing great! Keep focusing on you, keep healing. I know you can do it!

[alg24]

FO

 

When all of this happened a good friend of mine, practically my second mom called MM (She is in her 40s with kids, divorced) and said its over, we are very unhealthy, etc. together and please leave me alone. Anyway, after this he called her a couple times freaking out. Then started sending text messages. She told me he seemed very unstable and make sure to give him a wide girth... The other day when he texted her she texted him back and pretty much said I do not care, leave me alone. (All of this in spanish-- which I do not speak/write)

 

Anyway, the other other day the W had contacted me etc. I have been nothing but honest and straight up with her. I don't attempt to hurt or stir the pot. But come on, W told me that MM said to her FACE she isa bit*** and that is why he cheated her all these years. I told her I don't appreciate MM texting/calling my friends and telling them stuff about me and her-- which he has.

 

So yesterday my friend got a text message from MM. Its upset me because this friend is under a MASS amount of stress and having a great deal of problems (Mom, 2 kids- one is autestic (spelling), and she just found out her mom who lives with them has cancer and looking at 3-4 months left if that to live) MM texted friend- tell -- to leave W alone.

 

I texted W and W told me that MM told her that I texted him that SHE was bad mouthing him to everyone and telling personal business. WHAT THE HELL! TALK ABOUT MAJOR DRAMA! I mean I am 21 MM is 38 she is 40? W then threw in his face funny, she told me the same about you (MM bad mouthing W) She then told me she does not know who is trying to play her but she is over this and does not care. I texted MM on verizon phone we had ( I no FO bad idea) and just requested he leave my friend alone. The first text message went through-- verizon to verizon gets a check mark. Then after a while I texted 2 more messages-- regarding I want this behind me, have no desire to text/ speak to W ever again etc. and those text messages did not go through. Left a voicemail on other phone (Yes FO can you come and screw my head on straight...?)

 

So thats that... VERY screwed up. VERY stupid... I am miserable

 

I am depressed. I slept all night, but I wake up so depressed.

 

This all hurts. I miss him a lot but yet I don't. I miss his smell so much FO... I really don't cry anymore but I am just so sad.

 

I am over this drama though. Truly. Yes I need to not feed into it.

 

I had a dream last night that we were together... I had the most visual dreams and it hurts so bad. I did really care for him... And he just hates me. And I keep re-opening the wounds. I have a appointment with the shrink tomorrow. But he does not care, he does not want to control me, he wants me out of his life. And I need to stop feeding into the drama and missing him. Why do I miss someone who can so easily dismiss me and does not miss me?

 

FO your the bestest. How are you?

[alg24]

I am so angry at myself for contacting him. In a sense I basically put myself out there. I won't lie- I am so stupid. I basically put myself out there, showing him I would take him back. Thats what I pretty much did. And with his language barrier he would 100% view it as me wanting him back. **** look what I did.

 

How do I stop missing him? How do I stop obsessing.

 

FO I don't want this person back. I come from a good family... Different backgrounds... My family hates him (not because of background, but how he treated me) But this hurts so bad.

[fooled once]

Honey, STOP texting him. STOP IT. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.

 

You are continuing this cycle. Stop talking to the wife. She doesn't need your drama that YOU are creating

 

I am going to be tough on you now because I don't think you are getting it.

 

STOP IT.

 

Put all the phones down. Stop using others phones, stop calling him, stop texting him.

 

YOU are continuing all this - YOU. Not him - YOU.

 

Who cares what he says to anyone? No one listens to him or likes him. Who cares what he says!!!! Enough of this.

 

You are 21. Step away from all this. It is obvious to me now that you are very immature and you love all this. If you didn't, you wouldn't keep instigating it.

 

Your 2nd mom (your friend) doesn't need to run interference for you. She has her own issues. Step outside of yourself and realize she doesn't need this. YOU need to be a support to HER, not the other way around.

 

You are trying anything to get him back; that is obvious. You will do anything. Stop trying to convince me that isn't true. Stop trying to tell everyone around you that you don't care.

 

Stop worrying about that 'he hates' you. SO WHAT. Truly Alg, SO WHAT.

 

You have your health.

 

You have friends.

 

You have a good job.

 

You can support yourself.

 

LOOK at all the blessings in your life. This man is a monster; yet you still keep trying to contact him.

 

He has asked you to leave him alone - SO DO IT. Leave him alone. I don't think he can be more clear with you - leave him alone. You are making yourself look like a fool - not only to HIM, but to your friends who you keep telling you are done with him.

 

((hug)) I don't mean to be so tough on you; but dang it -- stop acting like a teenager. You are 21 now. I realize you don't have a lot of experience, but trust me, you are turning into a stalker who won't leave someone alone. He could call the police and have them talk to you about leaving him alone. Do you want that? Talk about humiliating!!

 

Miss him. That's fine. Be sad. That's fine. But STOP contacting him.

 

The ONLY way for the hurt to stop is TIME. You won't give it time, you are trying to rush it, you are trying to side step the pain. That won't work. Face it -- head on. Embrace it, let it wash over you.

 

THEN, pick yourself up and MOVE ON -- without contacting him. All this talk of "its done" and "I won't contact him anymore" lasts maybe 24 hours and then you either contact him or have one of your friends contact him.

 

His wife is a grown woman who doesn't need your drama. She doesn't care -- stop bothering you. Stop telling her "he said xxx about you". She doesn't care. She is trying to move on with her life; something you need to do also!

 

((hug))

 

Good luck at the shrink tomorrow. He isn't going to be able to 'fix' you; only you can do that. You have to WANT to move forward, and I am not sure you do.

 

((hug))

[alg24]

FO you are 100% right.

 

I never run to the wife and said ..... The wife was the one who would contact me after all of this. Does not matter though. I will never contact her again.

 

I just created an online account for my cell phone... I blocked MM's two numbers and Ws number from my cell phone. I have no control of my house phone, but I don't normally answer the phone unless I know someone is suppose to call me.

 

I don't enjoy the drama, I no it may not seem like it, but I don't. I am in just a great deal of pain.

 

Today I was working and I had a couple moments for myself and was really thinking... I need to get everything back on track... I've been going out a lot, hanging out with my friends (When I have been going out-- dinners, drinks, etc. I do not talk about MM) But I need to go the next step... Make more of an effort. Consume myself in my school work again-- I've been doing it but need to push myself harder. Plan for the future.

 

After last night... I left my phone in the car... Today same thing... I just need to put all of this to a halt. It does not matter what MM says or does. I need to not engage in anyway shape or form... I think this time its sinking in.. Before more words, but now sinking in.

 

I just need to stop all of this bull****....

 

Thank you for being tough FO...

 

I don't like to think about me becoming a stalker... And I don't think I am (I don't look for him, follow him, etc.) But I have let it consume myself in a negative way. I mean even when we were together I let him control me all of the time...

 

So yea... Truly I do not want to be with this man. Really FO. He was abusive, liar, cheater, and just plan mean. It would come down to him or my family. I love my family and the last 2 years have been very tough on them. English is a second language for him... He does not have the best bedside manners...

 

I remember even when we were living together yes it was nice coming home to him, but I woke up a couple times in the middle of the night just looking at him thinking what the hell... I don't want this... Then if I would go down to my car to get something he would follow me down shortly after accusing me of taking my cell phone and lying...

 

I did get use to the drama... Something my shrink pointed out... I got very use to the drama. And no matter how much bad stuff we both did to each other he was always there for me. I come from an amazing loving family. My dad and mom are happily together NEVER abused me or hit me. But we are loud, dogs running everywhere, and sometimes can treat each other with disrespect. With this MM there were zero boundries or respect, but I got use to it. The first bad thing that happened with us it should have been over. But a million very bad things happened and I let it keep going.... Stupid me... I guess in some ways I tried to fix it, I was use to the drama/roller coaster ride, and in other ways he made me feel like he was the only person who would want me..

 

I also think the herpes is really getting to me... I've been having a outbreak since all of this. Regardless I need time to heal and would not want to be with anyone sexually, but its hard knowing I have this... In a wk and a half it will be 1 yr...

 

And to sum it up I think its hard because regardless of this beginning an affair, he was the first person. I was with one other person before this a couple times casually, but MM was the first. The first person I went away with, slept with a lot, lived with, said i love you, etc.

 

Sorry FO-- I promise this will all be halted. Not a promise to you but for myself. I need to go forward with my life. This guy is a bad guy. Life went on before him happily, it will go on after him happily.

[alg24]

So FO I was just driving down the dirt road from the barn... Sitting at the stop sign to make a left onto the main road but there was a lot of traffic. I was thinking about all the posts you have replied to and what you told me. I need to stop. 100% stop. Stop the drama, stop the problems. It does NOT matter what MM does. It matters what I do. When we broke up before I/ME went back. Now its over and I/ME need to leave it alone. Don't try to dig the coffin up... Let it stay in the ground. I say this and then 24/48 hours something happens and then... Stop stop stop... So while I am sitting there he pulls up behind me with another guy from the barn.

 

I looked in the mirror and see this dirty looking older guy in this ****ty ranger truck in the worst condition. Materials items are not everything. Looks are not everything. But viewing him in that truck and looking at his 17 years OLDER face in that mirror I said to myself-- yes you still have feelings, but say no. He is a bad bad guy. On the no where track going no where. You are 21 years old sitting in your BMW (not trying to sound like a snooty bitch) and have your whole life ahead of you. It would have been impossible with this guy even if he was terrific, but look at how he treated you... Move forward... I have my horses, education my parents are paying for... I have the chance to live a great life... With this guy it would have been a limited life...

 

Yes in 2-3 days its going to hurt. NOTHING will make the hurt go away. BUT I cannot contact him. Attempt to see him. At least I am not stupid and attempting to go to his barn and talk to him.. Never would do that... I will not go to his barn even with his bosses daughter. Need to leave it alone. Fine I will obsess but obsess in my head..

 

So yea...

[fooled once]

Honey ((hug))

 

Come here and talk it out, come here and post instead of letting it all sit in your head. That is what we are here for. (hug)

 

You DO have a lot going for you and BE PROUD OF IT. Be proud of your education and FOCUS on it. Be proud of the material things your hard work has gotten you (not a BMW fan, I like my SUV ) but BE PROUD of it.

 

He is much older and you two do not have the same things you want/like in life. You and he are in different places. You are just starting your journey through life; he is almost halfway through.

 

Regarding the herpes, you know that stress will make your break outs worse, right? ((hug)) Millions of people have it; there are some good support groups online. Maybe check out some, for advice, support, comfort, etc.

 

I am glad you knew my words weren't meant to hurt you, but to 'wake' you up and make you look at your life. You deserve goodness and joy in your life. Fight for it. Strive for it.

 

You own your life. The choices you make are your choices. The decisions you make are your decisions. Make ones that you are proud of. Make ones that show what a good person you are.

 

(((hug))))

[alg24]

FO thank you! Really you are the best. You have beyond helped me.

 

 

I do know that stress makes the herpes outbreak worse.. I need to center myself and relax... Its awful! I need to start accepting I have it. Being with MM I was able to kind of put the herpes aside.. Now I need to start accepting it. Unlike him ( I am sure the next woman he sleeps with he will not tell her he has herpes-- not my business don't care) but I would never want to pass it to someone.

 

Your words did not hurt me. It was a huge wake up call... I need to stop dwelling. I deserve better. Its been two weeks now. I need to get my life back on track. It does NOT matter what MM does. I was stupid and said what I said yesterday but that needs to stop. Really no more. Today was day #1, tomorrow I will focus on just that day and get by. I left my cell phone in the car tonight.

 

The last year especially, was involved two years, I really became a person I did not like. I lied a lot when involved with him. I remember in July I told my mom when I was north I was going home to florida for the week to visit my horse... I went to visit MM elsewhere. It was awful when she called to check in. I did not like that person.

 

Thank you again. It does NOT matter in the next three months if he contacts me or not because I will be leaving this alone. Instead of looking at it as ''3 MONTHS'' I am just taking it each day. Luckily I don't look at my phone waiting for him to call or checking messages. I don't expect him to call. So thats good.

 

And regardless of what he does... I will not respond.

 

Your the bestest FO.. Really..

[alg24]

Thank you BB07! Yes, I realized I need to stop talking to W. It does not matter. I am out of this situation and not looking back. I really don't foresee her messaging me again-- she is trying to move forward as well and knows he and I are over, but if she does I would just politely tell her I don't want anymore involvement. Sorry and good-bye.

 

As far as crossing the line.. MM was always very good at putting blame on me. The beginning when he came back (November-December) It was always my fault. I never changed, I pushed, its my fault we are broken. When I said I crossed the line-- I feel I did. Looking at how I behaved from a growing stand point, well first off never have an affair, there were things I should have never done. Talking to the W behind his back was wrong. Now I am not blind to the MANY MANY things he did to me. It does bother me how it ended, but I know its a blessing. If I had taken my phone with me he would have never found the text messages, and probably continuing to use me, be abusive, living with me, etc. It needed to end and really didn't matter how it did in some respect. Before this the "line had been crosseD" MANY MANY MANY times on both ends.

 

But I know my thinking needs to be changed. These are still words, sinking in VERY slowly but it does not matter what MM thinks of me...

 

It hurts a lot but yet it doesn't hurt...

 

I can truly see he is a bad guy... I do feel, and perhaps this is stupid he isn't the worse person in the world. What he did yes, but as a person no... Don't know if that makes sense. I don't want association with him though. When I first meet him he was quiet and more of an observer. You could tell if pushed hard he would have an anger issue or temper, but you would need to really push. Starting it two years ago he would tell me he feels guilty, we would leave each other alone for awhile then he would start coming around. Last year he did all the chasing, he was the obsessed one. Mid summer he got tired, then when he came back this time in October the reality of everything sunk it. He ruined everything. But he told me before that he never knew what it was about me, he was hooked.. I am not flattered by it now, I was stupid. We were just so different, and I hate to sound like a bitch but in this small town a girl like me, from the background, etc. would NEVER give this guy the time of day. Why did I then? He was different. Latin argentine polo groom. Sexy and different... Hey I was 19 at the time! But anyway I really do think HE just let things get way to out of control. At first he would tell me we are impossible, then he told me he loved me but we were still impossible, July divorce is common he wants to be everything for his kids, August he wants to be with me please wait for me, December what do you want from me? New Years he told me that I need to find someone who will truly love me 100%... Can be everything for me. He loves me but his life is ****.. Anyway, its done now.. But I just think MM had many different sides... He is just a sick confused puppy. Now manipulating everyone around he because he is so out of control.

 

But thank-you, and yes FO is the absolute best! Really

 

Shrink at 2:15 today.. I know its not going to be a magic pill but it helps me see and put things into perspective.. When it comes down to MM yes I did "love him." I bent over backwards for him in attempt to get that affection in return... It was beyond unhealthy and toxic. He was out of control. Dragging me down with him. I cannot call/speak to him in anyway.

 

xoxoxxo

[fooled once]

How did it go with the shrink???

 

I don't have much time but will check in with you tomorrow.

 

XOXO

 

((hug))

[alg24]

FO you are truly the best...

 

Went well with the shrink.. I actually started crying...

 

-We discussed again that there is not way around the hurt... Need to embrace it...I contact MM when I am trying to erase the hurt... I need to accept it...

 

-Things weren't that great... Most of the time, especially towards the end it was awful. Being with him I was in tons of pain...

 

-It really hurts how everything ended. But its a blessing in disguise. MM and I needed a bad ending in a sense. Its good that he hates me. If things didn't end badly it could have been a vicious cycle that would have never ended. I could have still been with him next year, wasting my youth. I canNOT control him, but I can control myself. I need to be strong. I need to say YES its over. I do miss him but he was the wrong wrong WRONG person. And he treated me awful.

 

-Another thing was it was back and forth all the time... I wanted the control, but he ended it... Ego wise its like how can you not want me.

 

I was use to the up and down all the time. Yes I contacted his W/see contacted me so that was the final straw for him BUT!! all the awful things that happened in this "relationship." Much worse things happened. Regardless of what we did to each other. The hurtful things said, abusive stuff, crazy, and out of control it was always a never ending pattern. I got use to it.

 

 

Its weird because I miss him SO much right now but yet I don't miss him. Physically I am not interested in anyone right now.. But I miss him but yet I don't..

 

Really hurts..

 

Thank you.

[alg24]

Thank you!

 

Today I am in a lot of pain. A LOT A LOT of pain. I cried when I woke up this morning, and cried a lot while I was driving. I keep trying to tell myself how bad he was... That its good its over. If I continued to stay I would waste my youth in this toxic out of control "relationship."

 

I won't call/text I promise. Not to mention it will only lead to rejection. Its not about him. But ego wise I will not call/text because I know I will get rejected.

 

But wow, the pain. Its intense.

[Hazyhead]

OK Alg......maybe it's time for some tough love.

 

I know you are hurting, but you've got to quit wallowing in it. Get busy with life, things you enjoy. Allow yourself to feel the pain but in small doses. Find things that you used to enjoy and do them. When your mind goes there, make it stop, you can do that and you do have control over it.

 

You have to feel the pain in order to heal but yet you can't let it take over your life and take your joy away. Don't let him have that.....OK.

 

Hugs......

 

Excellent post BB! I agree completely. You have the power to heal yourself, alg. Sure, you should let yourself feel pain. But, healing will also come (in fact moreso) from finding fun and enjoyment too. If you've lost some of your old interests or activities find them again, or take new ones. There is happiness to be found amongst sadness. If you look for it, you'll find it and, if you allow it, it will overtake the overwhelming sadness.

[alg24]

Very true. I have been keeping myself busy and when I am not working/ doing homework doing things I enjoy. I have been going out socially, and spending a lot of time with my best friend. We actually borrowed horses from a friend today and went out for a long ride.. We had a blast.. If I was still with MM all of this would NOT be possible. Yes it hurts, and I have been letting my self hurt but then I get busy again. The worse is when I see him. I don't jump, get all crazy, or look at him- but after the fact it hurts. I still have been obsessing in my head.. Is that normal? Its been 2 1/2 weeks (just under) but the first week, week and a half I was so full of anger I that I wasn't at the healing stage. I think this week is where the healing will begin and I am starting.. I don't know if that makes sense...

 

Today I rode my horse out on the canal... His barn is across from it (water aka the canal is in the middle and a big strip of flat ground) When I say the barn is across from it, its not right next to it but close... There is a field for playing polo right across... Then his barn is to the left of that towards the back.. (But its close enough you can see people etc.) Anyway, I rode later today in hopes that he would not be around... About twenty minutes into my ride he appeared on the polo field riding his horse. I had dark sunglasses on and did not watch him at all. Finished my ride and left.. But things like that hurt afterward. But it is what it is. Small town!

 

But I am organizing my school work. Planning for the future, etc. It just hurt a lot... But in doses... I will be fine for awhile then it hits me.

[alg24]

Again thank you everyone. You have truly been a huge support/help. FO especially thank you. You don't even know me and have been so amazing. I am so thankful.