My wife left after four years

[seibert253]

The Homer approach worked for me and here it is in a nutshell:

 

1) NC or LC if you have kids

2) Stop working on marriage, work on the divorce

3) Pick a night to go out and have fun, every week

4) Start a new hobby, or activity that has nothing to do with her interests

5) If you do talk, keep it under 10 mins and you end the conversation

6) Date other woman, yes this is a must

7) Act happy around them until you don't have to act anymore

8) Go buy some new clothes, even just a new pair of jeans can help

 

The separation may seem like a curse, but that's because you are viewing it as a curse. I think my wife's A was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am a way better person because of it. I found out that if I change, everyone around me changes as well. Give it a shot and tell me I'm wrong, I dare ya. You can message me if you want BTW.

 

Have to 2nd T's advice here. Very simular to the 180 I pulled when my FWW was "confused" and "unsure". I gave her 7 days to make up her mind then implemented the above, except dating other women. I added drawing up D papers and "allowing" her to preview them, and walla, fog lifted, confusion gone.

[tnttim]

I know everyone has problems with the dating other women part, I know I did. I thought, "but if I want her back, why would I see another woman." If you thought NC and pushing the D lit a fire under her a*s, wait till you see what dating does to her. Plus, if she is seeing someone else, why wouldn't you?

[new_soul]

tnttim, dude I want to thank you for the support and advice my man. I actually follwed exactly what you said. basically no contact with her, actually she helped out in her way because she had told me that she would have to make a choice by last Thursday between me an OM. I gave her an ultimatum again that was one of your advice. The piece of trash did not even contact me when I contacted her on Thursday she did not pickup or answered my call. So that's when I said ok the divorce starts today I haven't called or texted her since then.

 

I went and started working out get some new clothes and just buy myself things that I feel like I needed to make me Happy. I have to tell you my whole view on this breakup just changed. I just realized that man! God just save my life from getting this woman out of my life. By the way I went to a gala with a buddy of mind and as soon as I got there there was another young lady who started having eye contact with me and man I have to say I spent the whole night just laughing and having a good time. I gave her my number she gave me hers and so far we have been texting each other and I have to say wow that feels good!

 

I have to say tnttim's advices were pretty good. DATE OTHER PEOPLE!!! Trust me it works. I also don't have as many ties as you guys have because I am in my mid 20's and I have no kids, house and all that other stuff but I have to say that dating and socialized with other people does help. I just realized that the hardest thing about the break-up was just being alone. I don't even think that I really loved that woman. She was a liar, cheater and clueless about anything in life. Plain stupid!! I stayed with her because I thought she was a nice person at heart but I've lost respect for her. I'll keep you guys updated on my progress but so far I am feeling really good and my spirit is up. Thank you so much LS !!

[new_soul]

Here I am back again, It's been a while since I've been on here but I wanted to give you guys an update on my situation and help other people in the process. The wife and I are still no longer together and I think reality is starting the hit her pretty bad. I removed her on all my personal bank accounts, remove her on my insurance and basically remove all ties that we had together.

 

In the last two months, I've been dating a beautiful girl and although we are not serious things are going pretty good. On the other hand, she is still dating this guy and she calls or text me once in while but no real conversations between us. Latetly she's been crying saying that she misses me and that she still loves me and asking me questions on who I am dating and everything.

 

It's been a month since I've seen her and Yesterday, she called me crying again saying that she misses me so much and that she is sorry for what she has done. She also wanted to meet up sometimes this week just so we can talk ( not sure about what tho). She tells me that she is still with the guy, but she doesn't think that she can love two people at the same time, but she never mentioned anything about getting back with. Not that I want that now anyways, I am going to see how things work out with that new girl I am seeing.

 

I am supposed to be meeting her today, what do you guys think I should do? I think she is now realizing her mistake and she also realized that I have moved on and she is all confused. Please give me your inputs

[Gunny376]

Based upon hard earned experienced? I would keep on truckin' leaving her in the dust. She's still with the OM, and thus she's not serious about a reconciliation. She's just wanting to make sure she's got you on the hook as Plan 'B'

 

If she was serious about a reconciliation? She be at your door, on her knees begging for you to take her back.

 

I don't understand what it is about your makeup that you would tolerate such blatant disrespect?

 

For all the time, effort, energy and money you would spend in getting this one ungrateful, disrespecting, lying, cheating, two-timing, unfaithful, flaky, ditsy broad back would net you ten more grateful, caring, sharing, loving, appreciative women.

 

I know you probally didn't get the memo? But there's no shortage of women in the world. The world is covered up with them.

 

Quit being so damn selfish and give some other women a shot at ya!

[2.50 a gallon]

Listen to Gunny

 

Thirty years ago I was in similar shoes. A month after the break up she came back and wanted a new start. Lots of tears, "What have I done?", "I'm so sorry!", "I made a mistake!" Sound familiar?

 

You see she figured out that I was already dating. Thank God I was dating, as I was able to tell her it was over. I remember one of my lines to her was something along the line of when we took our vows, "What part of 'forsaking all others' didn't you understand?"

 

Telling her no was even harder on me emotionally than the day I caught her kissing her OM, as she was my wife and I did love her. But I had to do it.

 

Looking at the overall picture. The world was full of exciting, good looking women. When I started a relationship with one of them we started at zero and worked our way up.

 

To reconcile with my XW, meant we started at minus 9 or 10, and that was too high of a hill to climb. And the question in the back of my mind, was, would I ever totally trust her again. I did not want have to spend the rest of my life looking back over my shoulder. Plus the fact that we would likely have had a family in a few years. Wouldn't that have been a mess?

 

It was time to cut my losses and move on in life

 

As you have already discovered there are other foxy ladies out there who are interested in a finding a good man. Someday you will find a winner, and your wife has already proven to be an untrustworthy loser.

 

Think about it, she left you when you were away for a few days, if you reconcile, can you ever leave her home alone again? Will you be coming home from work each night wondering where she hasn't backed her bags and moved out again.

 

On last question. I beleive in your first post you mentioned that the OM was a co-worker. Have you ever spoken to the HR department?

 

PS: Getting a divorce was one of the best things that has ever happend to me.

Edited March 24, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[XerxesInBloom]

Divorce is such a nasty emotional rollercoaster, lots of unanswered questions and lots of clinging hope.

My Ex and I had some bad times and some awesome times, married 4 yrs, but in the bad she always shut down and the last time she shut down and didn't have the "strength or the energy" to work on the marriage, telling me her mother had a broken hip and she needed to help her, it was crazy, which was fine, but it all was an excuse and she was just running because that seemed easier, which we all know is just an illusion.

I did the whole "I'll do anythign to make the marriage work, come home, give me the chance to take care of you, your kids" (not my kids hers frm another relationship)stuff but she was set on just giving up.

So I then just realized I had to move on as well. But reality didnt settle in with her, her mother lived right down the road, I could walk there if I wanted so I was still around in a sense, as I began to cut ties, got her a vehicle, etc she began to change. I would have friends come over to handle little stuff for me, like bringing my dog in or whatever, then I'd get texts asking why i didnt ask her to do it....

it was confusing, but the fact is people make emotional decisions good and bad, sometimes the reality of the decisions made dont settle in till the thoughts of you moving on or slowly fading from contact begin to settle in...My wife showed me nothing, no emotion, she was in shutdown mode, but she had to begin to deal with reality, and each reality she had to face began to crack her in half....made for a difficult time, because sorrow, redemption, forgiveness come pouring out and you have to resist it all because in the end when you look back and see what was done to lead you to this place you realize you have no choice but to keep moving on....it's never easy.

In some situations where a divorce was pushed by another spouse, its usually that spouse who ends up regretting it, which is irony....

People make serious decisions without contemplating if they can truly live with them until they're forced to....

Just stay strong, the days will go by, time will pass, when one door closes another opens, just dont find yourself standing in the doorway looking back.....just close that door.

[new_soul]

I am back again for an update and confusion....

I am happy to say that I am doing way better thnx to the LS family, but my ex has once again put me thru some confusion and I have to say I think she is going thru a mental period. My wife comes from a family with mental issues so i thought maybe she's having an episode. So please people bear with me and let me know what you guys think.

 

Since my wife left me in Jan for this other guy at work, we've been very nasty to each other but sometimes she texts me or call me crying saying that she misses me and what she did is eating her inside. I thought well that was a good thing because I was really wishing bad for her. 2 weeks ago she calls me telling me that she had lost her job and just basically was giving me an update on her life, she told me that her new man was going to see his family and she wanted to see me. I have to say at this point I was feeling bad for her and I said well let's meet up for coffee.

 

She ended staying over at my place last Friday and Saturday and we made great love and the whole time she seems very Happy and was very emotional but she basically still wants to try things out with the other guy... YEAH I KNOW CRAZY!!! I am at a point where I have already somehwat moved on, but I am wondering what is really going on thru her mind? I've come to accept the fact that she likes or love this guy but why would she sleep with me and she still showing signs of vulnerability.

[linwood]

She ended staying over at my place last Friday and Saturday and we made great love and the whole time she seems very Happy and was very emotional but she basically still wants to try things out with the other guy...

 

Wow, in a few short months you`ve gone from being her husband to being her OM.

lol

 

I think you`re doing fine.

 

Just don`t ever believe a word she says and you`ll be ok.

[Trimmer]

I am back again for an update and confusion....

I am happy to say that I am doing way better thnx to the LS family, but my ex has once again put me thru some confusion and I have to say I think she is going thru a mental period. My wife comes from a family with mental issues so i thought maybe she's having an episode. So please people bear with me and let me know what you guys think.

 

Since my wife left me in Jan for this other guy at work, we've been very nasty to each other but sometimes she texts me or call me crying saying that she misses me and what she did is eating her inside. I thought well that was a good thing because I was really wishing bad for her. 2 weeks ago she calls me telling me that she had lost her job and just basically was giving me an update on her life, she told me that her new man was going to see his family and she wanted to see me. I have to say at this point I was feeling bad for her and I said well let's meet up for coffee.

 

She ended staying over at my place last Friday and Saturday and we made great love and the whole time she seems very Happy and was very emotional but she basically still wants to try things out with the other guy... YEAH I KNOW CRAZY!!! I am at a point where I have already somehwat moved on, but I am wondering what is really going on thru her mind? I've come to accept the fact that she likes or love this guy but why would she sleep with me and she still showing signs of vulnerability.

 

Look, because she's with the other guy doesn't mean she rejects everything that was good about you. And this is what makes it hard for her to choose. If she chooses him, then yes, of course, she knows she's giving up something GOOD in you. So to the degree that she can have BOTH, she will take what she can get from both.

 

Next, I'm going to b***h-slap you hard about the head and shoulders... You just handed her your balls, dude. Listen to this, and yes, I'm going to put it in all-caps, and yes, I know that's the internet equivalent of shouting, because that's what I'm doing. AS LONG AS SHE IS WITH THE OTHER GUY, AS LONG AS SHE IS "TRYING TO DECIDE", SHE IS STRINGING YOU ALONG, AND AS LONG AS YOU FAIL TO SET A FRIM, UNBREAKABLE BOUNDARY, AND AS LONG AS YOU GIVE HER ANYTHING AT ALL, YOU ARE PARTICIPATING IN YOUR OWN DEMISE, AND CONTRIBUTING TO YOUR OWN PAIN.

 

OK, now let me calm down... Let's see - why would she be showing vulnerability? Because she has screwed up in a major way, and she knows it, and that sucks for her. But look: she's the one who put her hand into the fire, and she's the one still holding it there and complaining about how much the flame hurts. But unlike the fire metaphor, you can't reach over and pull her out - only she can do what she needs to do to move forward. Don't fall prey to trying to save her, or help fix her - she's put herself here, and she's kept herself here, and you can't pull her out.

 

As a matter of fact, some might say that by providing some kind of comfort, you are only enabling her to stay in that place longer. Now, I don't think her issues at this point are your responsibility one way or the other, but my concern is for you, and irrespective of concerns over her own mental state, I think that by doing what you did, you mind-f***ed yourself, and re-damaged yourself when you might have been making forward progress instead. Now, don't beat yourself up about it - we're all human, and it was hard to resist, I'm sure - but learn from it. Look forward, and move forward. The woman she once was, the one you were in love with, and the one you believe you still have feelings for, is an image from your past - a real memory perhaps, but a memory to be sure, and not the woman who is living in the here and now.

 

Don't forget that all this time, while she has been periodically checking back in with you, whining about missing you and feeling bad, and so on, she has been working and sacrificing to build a life with someone else, yet keeping you strung along as the backup plan. You aren't the husband, or even the best friend: you are the last cookie in the jar, the last sip in the bottle, the safety net. You are what happens if everything else fails to go well. Do you really imagine your place in her life being "the one she came back to because the other stuff didn't work out"? (And it's not lost on me, either, that she is "cheating" on her current guy with you, her "husband." How twisted is that? What is she trying to build? Who is able to trust this woman in any way?)

 

Bottom line - I can imagine - early on, perhaps - keeping the door open for her, if she truly needed some time on her own to figure some things out, but AT ANY MOMENT that she's with the other guy, and thinking about building a life with him, you are just the backup plan.

 

I'm not usually this brutal, but I advise you to SAVE YOURSELF, and don't give her the time of day.

 

For a long time, this was my posting signature here on LS, when I was going through similar s**t to what you are now:

 

Start imagining what your life could be; now get working on it.

Edited May 20, 2010 by Trimmer

[seibert253]

Your second string my friend, sitting on the bench. When her new guy is not performing up to par, your the substitute.

 

She's playing you like a fiddle, and you're letting her.

 

Stand up for yourself. If you want her back give her an ultimatium:

Come home, or never contact me again.

[cyabye]

Look, because she's with the other guy doesn't mean she rejects everything that was good about you. And this is what makes it hard for her to choose. If she chooses him, then yes, of course, she knows she's giving up something GOOD in you. So to the degree that she can have BOTH, she will take what she can get from both.

 

Next, I'm going to b***h-slap you hard about the head and shoulders... You just handed her your balls, dude. Listen to this, and yes, I'm going to put it in all-caps, and yes, I know that's the internet equivalent of shouting, because that's what I'm doing. AS LONG AS SHE IS WITH THE OTHER GUY, AS LONG AS SHE IS "TRYING TO DECIDE", SHE IS STRINGING YOU ALONG, AND AS LONG AS YOU FAIL TO SET A FRIM, UNBREAKABLE BOUNDARY, AND AS LONG AS YOU GIVE HER ANYTHING AT ALL, YOU ARE PARTICIPATING IN YOUR OWN DEMISE, AND CONTRIBUTING TO YOUR OWN PAIN.

 

OK, now let me calm down... Let's see - why would she be showing vulnerability? Because she has screwed up in a major way, and she knows it, and that sucks for her. But look: she's the one who put her hand into the fire, and she's the one still holding it there and complaining about how much the flame hurts. But unlike the fire metaphor, you can't reach over and pull her out - only she can do what she needs to do to move forward. Don't fall prey to trying to save her, or help fix her - she's put herself here, and she's kept herself here, and you can't pull her out.

 

As a matter of fact, some might say that by providing some kind of comfort, you are only enabling her to stay in that place longer. Now, I don't think her issues at this point are your responsibility one way or the other, but my concern is for you, and irrespective of concerns over her own mental state, I think that by doing what you did, you mind-f***ed yourself, and re-damaged yourself when you might have been making forward progress instead. Now, don't beat yourself up about it - we're all human, and it was hard to resist, I'm sure - but learn from it. Look forward, and move forward. The woman she once was, the one you were in love with, and the one you believe you still have feelings for, is an image from your past - a real memory perhaps, but a memory to be sure, and not the woman who is living in the here and now.

 

Don't forget that all this time, while she has been periodically checking back in with you, whining about missing you and feeling bad, and so on, she has been working and sacrificing to build a life with someone else, yet keeping you strung along as the backup plan. You aren't the husband, or even the best friend: you are the last cookie in the jar, the last sip in the bottle, the safety net. You are what happens if everything else fails to go well. Do you really imagine your place in her life being "the one she came back to because the other stuff didn't work out"? (And it's not lost on me, either, that she is "cheating" on her current guy with you, her "husband." How twisted is that? What is she trying to build? Who is able to trust this woman in any way?)

 

Bottom line - I can imagine - early on, perhaps - keeping the door open for her, if she truly needed some time on her own to figure some things out, but AT ANY MOMENT that she's with the other guy, and thinking about building a life with him, you are just the backup plan.

 

I'm not usually this brutal, but I advise you to SAVE YOURSELF, and don't give her the time of day.

 

For a long time, this was my posting signature here on LS, when I was going through similar s**t to what you are now:

 

Start imagining what your life could be; now get working on it.

 

FAN EFFING TASTIC!. If you don't adhere to Trimmer's advice here (and I've put MYSELF in your shoes more than once) then YOU are the only one damaging yourself here. FORGET her and move on. NOTHING good and I mean NOTHING will come from her.

 

cya

[trippi1432]

FAN EFFING TASTIC!. If you don't adhere to Trimmer's advice here (and I've put MYSELF in your shoes more than once) then YOU are the only one damaging yourself here. FORGET her and move on. NOTHING good and I mean NOTHING will come from her.

 

cya

 

Cyababy - I love your signature...because that is where all the **** is...I typically had to have our septic tank pumped every three years due to all the **** my ex flushed down the toilet. LOL!!

[Gunny376]

You'd best be glad my man Trimmer got a hold of you before I did ~ and even then I've got a few words to add.

 

A woman walks on you ~ she needs to get to keep on steppin' because I've don't have the time to waste on some flaky broad!

 

She' out scrogging another guy! Some two million Americans came down with a STD last year, and half of them didn't even know it, (there are more than a thousand ~ and a lot of them are not curable)

 

She' not only made you her back up plan, she in essence her mental, emotional, and yes even sexual c__________, (Its so disgusting I'm not even going to type it.)

 

Then there's the old "I pregno ~ and its yours" BS line. Somewhere between 20 to 25 % of men are raising, supporting, fathering children that aren't even theirs!

 

And any woman will tell you that if not anything? Women can be are manipulators.

[cyabye]

Cyababy - I love your signature...because that is where all the **** is...I typically had to have our septic tank pumped every three years due to all the **** my ex flushed down the toilet. LOL!!

 

Trip,

 

 

Cya

[Passion4Life]

I am back again for an update and confusion....

I am happy to say that I am doing way better thnx to the LS family, but my ex has once again put me thru some confusion and I have to say I think she is going thru a mental period. My wife comes from a family with mental issues so i thought maybe she's having an episode. So please people bear with me and let me know what you guys think.

 

Since my wife left me in Jan for this other guy at work, we've been very nasty to each other but sometimes she texts me or call me crying saying that she misses me and what she did is eating her inside. I thought well that was a good thing because I was really wishing bad for her. 2 weeks ago she calls me telling me that she had lost her job and just basically was giving me an update on her life, she told me that her new man was going to see his family and she wanted to see me. I have to say at this point I was feeling bad for her and I said well let's meet up for coffee.

 

She ended staying over at my place last Friday and Saturday and we made great love and the whole time she seems very Happy and was very emotional but she basically still wants to try things out with the other guy... YEAH I KNOW CRAZY!!! I am at a point where I have already somehwat moved on, but I am wondering what is really going on thru her mind? I've come to accept the fact that she likes or love this guy but why would she sleep with me and she still showing signs of vulnerability.

 

So because the OM wasn't available your wife used you as temporary replacement while telling you she still wants the OM , & you feel bad for her ?

ever heard a word call doormat ?