TO ALL DUMPEES - It's been 4 months now... (dumpee via FB by an abusive girl). READ.

[bananaboat11]

Ah, you thought this would be another 'I'm down, help me up' thread. In a way, it could be - but what good can come out of relapsing day in and day out? I'm hoping YOU, the dumpee, can get something out of my situation. My story has gotten across these boards... I was miserable for a solid two to three months and the lot of you have REALLY, REALLY been amazing. For that, I am ever so grateful. Emotions come in waves... especially through traumatic experiences and I still experience ups and downs (as I'm sure you all do). I'm pressing forth through a cathartic cleanse to eliminate any emotional baggage and create new boundaries that will allow me to mingle in a healthy environment.

 

...how? Simply by moving forward. It seems it's so fresh in my mind. And I'm one who tends to wear my emotions on my sleeve. ****, if it's on my face, it's on my mind. Whether you choose to believe me or not.. I am very confident in life (there was a period POST-break up I wasn't...) and possess those 'alpha male' qualities. I try to be as humble as can be... and sometimes suppress my arrogance (healthy-type) by mild self-deprecation, but passively. And in one swift facebook message... it was all taken away from me. My pride... my ego... my confidence... my ability to trust... my capability to love. I was thrown into the mud. I was able to recognize the red flags in my 'relationship', but I was not able to see them.

 

I'm sure, as dumpees, we are searching for that one true love... the one we can fall head over heels for. Someone who can fall head over heels for us and love us like crazy and we can love them the same way. To give our world to them and theirs to us... to risk it all and want nothing back, and they can do the same...

 

It's a nice thought and yes, it does exist. At least, we ALL tell ourselves that thus creating the illusion thereof. I've learned a relationship is trust, friendship, hard work, dedication, and above all else... companionship. If you can't find that in your partner you are cheating on them. Hands down.

 

I fell hard for the ex... and luckily for me, I do not expect to ever hear from her again. Most of the time, that void... the emptiness... the anguish you feel in your heart (which is completely normal) mends. Time doesn't change things... DOING THINGS changes things over time. Use this time, as I have, to better yourself. Talk it out with your close friends, with those of us on LS who care (and a lot of us do), become proactive in your community or education. Pick up a hobby and/or start going to the gym. Make definite change! Soon, those wounds will heal. The emotional torment will be subdued... and those tears your cry at night (as I once have, too) will collect (metaphorically) and shine right through your soul and you will once again radiate all the colors you once had. Thus allowing the outside world to see YOU.

 

...meanwhile. The lost lover... the selfish significant other who thought only of themselves. They begin to sense a loss. They look over their shoulder wondering where you are. They don't find comfort in their new lover as they once had with you... there is a GOOD reason why they were with you to begin with. Depending on the personality type, the majority will no longer feel that temporary comfort... and those niceties they found in their new partner will vanish. And all they will know of is you...

 

Time is a rigid construct, yet there is no definitive set of time it may take for this to happen. It happens. I am a former dumper and dumpee... and truly after every relationship (LT OR ST), I never thought I'd care about 'them' again... or hear from them. Yet, we always go back (or they always come back). Good breakup, mutual breakup, bad breakup, left without saying goodbye breakup, immature breakup, catastrophic breakup (these are a case by case basis - ie, my last breakup LOL)....

 

...we are ALL human (clearly). Human emotion envelops each and every one of us in this wealth of sentiment, zeal, drive, pride, anger, despair, and the list goes on... WE feel. I was with you... he was with her. She was with him. They were together.... why? Because there was clearly something there. There was an attraction... and I find any relationship lasting longer than 1-2 months... it was more. As much as you, the dumper or dumpee WANT to believe the other is over you and has moved on. YOU are so wrong... I don't give two ****s whether you admit it or not. Unless you have mental issues... your heart and your thoughts dictate your actions. Sometimes we have total control, while still, other instances we are encumbered by our minds and our passions.

 

Take comfort in these words now... you, the dumpee are not broken. Unless you've cheated on your s/o and they left you (or did something entirely ****ed up), they are the one with the problem. They left. Keep that in mind.

 

I've found since my breakup, I've taken notice of my surroundings more. Engaging in life, slowly, I rebuild who I was once, but better. I can finally rest my head at night and not be afraid of being alone... but I am not whole. Not yet. I know, one day, as I walk the busy city streets I will find myself glaring into a department store display window and find myself again, but I can only take each day as it comes. I cannot rush these things as I try to find myself. And neither can you...

 

Spend this time to empower yourself to be better... do not take shelter in negative influences. They will only set you farther back than you belong. Love is not a fairy tale... and I do not believe in soul mates. But I do believe in 'the one'. There are people out there... MANY of them who possess the qualities you are searching for and they, of you. BUT... do not go seeking them out. If you do.. you will be blinded by your own reflection as you will not see past yourself in your own arrogance. Be yourself, be honest, open, and true. Protect your heart, but be mindful of keeping it open just a nudge... and the day they find you... and you.. them. In the moment... will define the rest of your days. Let it be as it should... do not force it. Be the best person YOU can be... learn from your past, but do not dwell.

 

Lingering on what once was... second chances may be possible, but always remember that baggage will ALWAYS be there (why you broke up in the first place). As much as you wish to push it out and despite both parties saying it's completely behind them... it will never TRULY be. It will always be there. Both the dumper and dumpee must work so hard to make it work and go forward... once you bend a sippy straw.. or a paper clip... or something pliable... it never reforms its original shape. Be mindful of that... relationships... love... infatuation... dedication... companionship are brittle.

 

Find yourself. Be yourself. Love yourself.

 

...and live.

 

To the dumpees, good luck. I believe in you.

[dyzfunctioned]

Great post man...

 

I'm certainly not at the stage you're at where you can view the other as flawed.. I can't help but blame myself, afterall I was the one that invested so much emotion into it.

 

But hearing these words can't do anything but help, and in time, hopefully I'll see things the same way.

[sunrae]

:bunny:

 

BB,

Another great post... Youre such a good writter...

[ella23]

Wtf........you were dumped via facebook?

How cheap is that.

[USMCHokie]

Very well done. I'm glad to see this. And I hope others will look to your example and make the necessary changes of their own to move forward in their lives.

 

And you'd be amazed what I can do with a paperclip...

[bananaboat11]

Wtf........you were dumped via facebook?

How cheap is that.

 

Oh you have no idea...

 

that's why I won't hear from her again. She's a mental wreck

[bananaboat11]

Very well done. I'm glad to see this. And I hope others will look to your example and make the necessary changes of their own to move forward in their lives.

 

And you'd be amazed what I can do with a paperclip...

 

 

Hahaha oh boy. And Kel, thanks for being there for me, man!

 

:bunny:

 

BB,

Another great post... Youre such a good writter...

 

Great post man...

 

I'm certainly not at the stage you're at where you can view the other as flawed.. I can't help but blame myself, afterall I was the one that invested so much emotion into it.

 

But hearing these words can't do anything but help, and in time, hopefully I'll see things the same way.

 

Thanks guys. Dyz, just keep being positive about yourself man. It gets easier!

[ella23]

Oh you have no idea...

 

that's why I won't hear from her again. She's a mental wreck

Judging from your other threads and this one, she sounds like a lowlife.

Good riddance!

[bananaboat11]

Judging from your other threads and this one, she sounds like a lowlife.

Good riddance!

 

She grew up with Lindsay Lohan... party type girl with low self esteem seeking comfort and confidence in men, partying, drugs, alcohol. She was 'different' when she was with me... but the second she dumped me... back to her old ways I heard.

 

She's from the Hampton's on LI... rich bitch

[Bulldozed]

great Post BB - There's so many great people on here, I'm thankful that I've allowed myself access. Truly, great words of wisdom by many. I realized a lot about the ex, that regrettably I was oblivious too until she was gone...serial monogamist comes to mind, as well as highly passive-aggressive and just all-around horrible character... realizing they weren't who you thought they were is a real blast to ones ego and pride...and in my case, my bank account as well.....

[ella23]

She grew up with Lindsay Lohan... party type girl with low self esteem seeking comfort and confidence in men, partying, drugs, alcohol. She was 'different' when she was with me... but the second she dumped me... back to her old ways I heard.

 

She's from the Hampton's on LI... rich bitch

She used to hang out with Lindsay Lohan?!

That explains everything, then!

[annxxdisaster]

I am very confident in life (there was a period POST-break up I wasn't...) and possess those 'alpha male' qualities. I try to be as humble as can be... and sometimes suppress my arrogance (healthy-type) by mild self-deprecation, but passively.

 

What are these 'alpha male' qualities? I hear everyone ranting about alpha male this and beta male that. Explain?

 

Other than that, thank you for the post.

I like knowing that sucker will miss or is missing me. Jerk.

[LikeABirdWhoFlew]

What a wonderful post. I bookmarked it so I can read it again and again when I feel down. Thank you!

 

p.s. The EX coming back after their new flame wears thin is so freaking true!

 

D

[Dark_of_the_Moon]

Awesome post. I am very glad I read it, thank you for writing it.

[Always A Lesson]

Banana, you nailed it once again....

 

You completely expressed what I couldn't on paper....

 

 

I've been through soooooo much in my 40+ years, thought I pretty much knew it all, but this breakup just k-n-o-c-k-e-d me off my feet, I took it soooo hard, wasn't even sure if I'd recover....I felt like I turned around and was sucker-punched.

 

I'm a visual person, so let me indulge myself a minute....

 

I felt like this guy/MM threw me over a cliff..... left me there .....dangling on rocks and branches.....and walked away into the sunset with the W. I had to crawl up the rocks, onto the ground, get my footing........ get the energy together enough to stand up,... then.... wipe the dust out of my eyes and find my way back home.... barefoot ....through a deserted desert.

 

 

Honestly, that's how I felt...

 

 

I felt sooo abandoned,....... like a child left in the mall, holding a teddy bear sitting on a bench,,,, waiting for his parents to return, but they never did....

 

I warned you I was visual....

 

But guess what???

 

I made it! I gained my internal strength, and endurance and I'm here to tell about it. I'm so proud of myself for getting through this, I've proven to myself that "I'm indeed a strong woman". NC was brutal, but I gained discipline from it.....I look at life differently now, I'm more determined to enjoy my day, and start finding happiness again, although it is still a process...

 

I still have my moments of emotional torture, but somehow I'm getting through it, inch by inch ......just like a champ! Much less tears.

 

Thank you Bananboat for your heartfelt words, they calmed my soul...

 

There's healing in your words.....

 

Always a Lesson.

[EricaH329]

Great post Rob!! I'm very envious of the amount of strength that you have. I'm so glad that you are being positive about this whole situation.

 

And you are right, you will become a much better person than you ever thought possible for having gone through this.

[bananaboat11]

Great post Rob!! I'm very envious of the amount of strength that you have. I'm so glad that you are being positive about this whole situation.

 

And you are right, you will become a much better person than you ever thought possible for having gone through this.

 

 

You all give me strength...

 

 

And thank you Erica.

 

ps - if you find my voice, please return it to me?

[bassman57]

I so hope you are right. She did this 2X. She is a commitment phobe and 2 months ago yesterday dumped me. Sent me a txt " If you get the chance, can you stop by please hon"

I got there about 5 minutes later and she poured coffee (as if it was going to be ok to do this to me?) She then kind of figited and "I'm not in love with you" I reacted by throwing the coffee on her, told her to "SAVE IT!" and left. I told her she was f^*ked up, and slamed the door.

She has acted like nothing ever took place as she has acted on FB like everything is ok, no loss etc.

So, I have been in NC for about 1&1/2 months. Everything was absolutely fine before hand. Ironically, I started talking about the future on Nov 16th. The 25th this happened.

I just hope she starts to feel a void and wants to come back around so I can have the opportunity to say all that I wasn't able to say due to my being caught off guard.

She's 51 and I, 52

WTF the ultimate mind f*^ck!

[Serena2009]

I so hope you are right. She did this 2X. She is a commitment phobe and 2 months ago yesterday dumped me. Sent me a txt " If you get the chance, can you stop by please hon"

I got there about 5 minutes later and she poured coffee (as if it was going to be ok to do this to me?) She then kind of figited and "I'm not in love with you" I reacted by throwing the coffee on her, told her to "SAVE IT!" and left. I told her she was f^*ked up, and slamed the door.

She has acted like nothing ever took place as she has acted on FB like everything is ok, no loss etc.

So, I have been in NC for about 1&1/2 months. Everything was absolutely fine before hand. Ironically, I started talking about the future on Nov 16th. The 25th this happened.

I just hope she starts to feel a void and wants to come back around so I can have the opportunity to say all that I wasn't able to say due to my being caught off guard.

She's 51 and I, 52

WTF the ultimate mind f*^ck!

 

Hey there bassman57,

 

I know how painful the CP partner experience is, really I do, but no CP is worth wasting a good cup of coffee over! Seriously though, although I know how agitating this experience can be, it's never worth reacting in such a way to put yourself at risk by throwing anything at anyone, even a cup of coffee!!

 

Why don't you start a thread, tell your story and I KNOW you'll get LOTS of good support and advice as you find your way through this process. From what little you've said, she may very well have a mental issue that goes beyond CP.

 

Stay strong and keep your chin up. You will get through this and move beyond it. I promise!!

[ella23]

It certainly is a great post, Bananaboat. I keep reading such posts in the Break up/Coping sections, because I am trying to get over some of the things my ex boyfriend said for months before dumping me. I'm still hurting. I just hope that it doesn't **** up my current relationship.

Edited January 27, 2010 by ella23

[HeavenOrHell]

Great post, many thanks.

But when I hear talk of 'the one' I think; I had the one but I lost him, I don't feel there is someone more suited for me, I don't feel it is possible, but relationships are the last thing on my mind now, I am concentrating more on friendships.

Many of you find obvious fault with your exes and while mine wasn't perfect, he was perfect for me, I even miss his sarcastic wit and grumpiness, the less perfect sides of him did not bother me as he was a wonderful person who I wanted to be with, his not so good points were not things which bothered me or I wanted to change.

It must be easier if your ex has done you wrong.

But I've lost a good bloke who has treated me with sensitivity all the way along, yes he dumped me but that's not a crime.

Sorry, thinking aloud

[bananaboat11]

I know I am an amazing guy. Everything I am... my mind, my body, my soul, my heart I give willingly... to she who deserves it of whom, I deserve her.

 

One day.... My heart will not be bound by one who is as foolish as my most recent ex. And yours shall not either... free yourself from this contempt of agonizing torment... these wretched metaphysical chains of despair that keep us bound to the past can no longer encumber our hearts. Avert your eyes, do not. Be willing to see the person before you... do not look over your shoulder. Even if they come back... that's exactly what they are... back. Your back... behind you. Do you really want to set yourself back to those days of heart wrenching pain? The sadness, the emotion that dictated your every word... your every move. Or do you look forward to the next person who will brighten up your life.

 

...cut your losses and leave them behind you. You tread forward. They will remain in the past... and when they realize their 'forward' was with you... you will be gone and they will soon come to realize what you have already done.... It was their loss.

 

If it means anything to you now, dumpee, I you.

[USMCHokie]

I know I am an amazing guy. Everything I am... my mind, my body, my soul, my heart I give willingly... to she who deserves it of whom, I deserve her.

 

One day.... My heart will not be bound by one who is as foolish as my most recent ex. And yours shall not either... free yourself from this contempt of agonizing torment... these wretched metaphysical chains of despair that keep us bound to the past can no longer encumber our hearts. Avert your eyes, do not. Be willing to see the person before you... do not look over your shoulder. Even if they come back... that's exactly what they are... back. Your back... behind you. Do you really want to set yourself back to those days of heart wrenching pain? The sadness, the emotion that dictated your every word... your every move. Or do you look forward to the next person who will brighten up your life.

 

...cut your losses and leave them behind you. You tread forward. They will remain in the past... and when they realize their 'forward' was with you... you will be gone and they will soon come to realize what you have already done.... It was their loss.

 

If it means anything to you now, dumpee, I you.

 

 

Good lord, did you have your little dictionary of synonyms when you wrote this sentence...?

 

But seriously though, another good post. I'm glad you're so strongly on the right path to healing and moving forward. And I'm also glad you're providing wisdom to those that come after you and are in need of the same strength.

[bananaboat11]

Good lord, did you have your little dictionary of synonyms when you wrote this sentence...?

 

But seriously though, another good post. I'm glad you're so strongly on the right path to healing and moving forward. And I'm also glad you're providing wisdom to those that come after you and are in need of the same strength.

 

 

Thanks Kelvin.

....

 

I should've been a writer rather than a scientist studying Type II Diabetes (formerly Adult-onset) and Prediabetes (elevated blood sugar levels, but not high enough to be considered t2dm)...

 

heh.

 

how are you holding up?

 

I'm trying to formulate a coherent & sound advice for Erica...

[Serena2009]

I know I am an amazing guy. Everything I am... my mind, my body, my soul, my heart I give willingly... to she who deserves it of whom, I deserve her.

 

One day.... My heart will not be bound by one who is as foolish as my most recent ex. And yours shall not either... free yourself from this contempt of agonizing torment... these wretched metaphysical chains of despair that keep us bound to the past can no longer encumber our hearts. Avert your eyes, do not. Be willing to see the person before you... do not look over your shoulder. Even if they come back... that's exactly what they are... back. Your back... behind you. Do you really want to set yourself back to those days of heart wrenching pain? The sadness, the emotion that dictated your every word... your every move. Or do you look forward to the next person who will brighten up your life.

 

...cut your losses and leave them behind you. You tread forward. They will remain in the past... and when they realize their 'forward' was with you... you will be gone and they will soon come to realize what you have already done.... It was their loss.

 

If it means anything to you now, dumpee, I you.

 

WOW bananaboat!! You've not only bounced back you've come roaring back with profound insight!!! This sounds like a modern rendition of Shakspeare! You really rock!!