xMM's W checking my myspace.....

[whichwayisup]

I have always said I still have feelings for him and probably always will but he knows I have stepped back to let him sort his M out. What more can I do?

 

Big difference between stepping back (aka waiting in the wings quietly) and ENDING IT for real. You still have hope their marriage isn't going to work because HE keeps 'mentioning' little things, to keep you wondering about them.. he tells you he still loves you, and isn't sure about his marriage.. He tells you HE told his wife that he still is inlove with you. You may have backed off, but HIM telling you this keeps the hope alive and keeps the door open. .. SHE KNOWS this obviously. How could she ever trust him 100% when he sees you every day? Works with you?

[hopeless4u]

BTW' date=' is he still doing the creepy reading your posts here thing?[/quote']

 

 

No not that I know of, he said it was my way of coping so has stopped reading.

[awkward]

I don't think that it is strange that she is checking your myspace page. I think even some OW have stated they check the BS's page. It hasn't been that long since she found out and she probably doesn't trust him (obviously she shouldn't).

 

Now that you know she is reading, you can either stop posting these types of updates or crank them up and really hurt her. I wouldn't advise the latter because it is cruel and if you need another reason, you never know who is reading when it is public.

 

If you don't want her to be concerned about you, don't give her any reason to be concerned.

 

Also, a cautious warning here: These threads show up on google. So if you post your status updates here or say on a blog, she could find them with the right combination of search terms.

 

I get that you love him. He might even decide to divorce and be with you. But right now you are only hurting yourself (prolonging pain) while you wait for him. Let him go and start living your life.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

sorry I don't mean to be harsh but you were the co-pilot in crashing her marriage to the ground..I know there were probably problems there before but..... Something that causes that much hurt.. you become consumed by it! good, bad, ugly....whatever it may be all bets are off when you step into someones marriage. Change your number. She shouldn't be texting you, but your shouldn't be having relations(conversations,sex,contact) with her H. Love makes you crazy.

[lkjh]

Do you have the emotional common sense of a rock? You were hooking up with her H just 6 weeks ago, you still talk to him, give him marriage advice, and post your feelings on a public website and you think she is the one crossing the line?

[pureinheart]

OK so I get that she googled me on DDay and wanted to see what I looked like but WTF!! Its been almost 6 wks, I've not pressured xMM in any way, yes I've taken his calls, talked to him at work but not once have I got upset in front of him, not once have I tried to sway his decision. I've supported him about trying to see if he has anything left with his M to work on in the best way I can.

I have good days and bad days, I have bad thoughts sometime, usually when I post on here......so tonight....a text from xMM's W....asking about my myspace posting??

I was venting and wrote....

If you truly love someone then how far would you go to keep them?

 

I was feeling quite sorry for myself at the time, had no idea she was reading it but she sent a text asking who was this question for, me or him??

 

 

She wanted me out of their life so why is she dragging me back into it??

 

Hi Hopeless....I would not take this casually. She is keeping tabs on you and this is why I am so against communication with the BS in any form at any time. There is a possibility that she is obsessing.

 

These are the things I would be concerned with: Does she have a job, if so then she is not dependant upon H and has something to keep her mind on. If not then you are the major enemy and threaten everything concerning her.

 

Is her life wrapped up completely around him? If so this is even worse.

 

Personally I would not take this lightly, this is a "minor" form of stalking, although it is still stalking.

 

I know it is hard because you work with him, although I would go total NC with both of them. It is not your M and they are still involving you and it's not right.

 

I was in a similar situation and I made it clear for all of them to stay away from me.

 

Hopeless, my thoughts are with you....this is no game, you have your family to protect...thank God I had my family to protect me, should I have needed it, and mine was more threatening....although Hopeless it could turn threatening in a New York Minute.

[whichwayisup]

She and the BS have spoken on the phone and made an arrangement.. Hopeless's idea too. that if MM spoke to her, contacted her other than work related issues, she was going to tell his wife.. She approached the wife, so it's not like the wife is stalking.

 

MM's wife isn't a threat nor is she going to go after Hopeless.

 

MM needs to quit his job, I'm actually surprised that it hasn't happened (yet).

 

Anyway, she can end all of this by stop communicating with MM on a personal level. Atleast then her conscious from that point on will be clear. Right now, the wife is suspicious, rightfully so since MM is giving Hopeless hope (boy that reads weird) by telling her intimate things.. And she is allowing him to continue to speak to her like this, so to him, it's welcomed and an invitation to keep doing it. IF she threatened him and told him 'speak to me like that ONE more time, I'm telling your wife since I did promise her I would contact her if you crossed the the line with me..' But hope isn't going to do that because she wants him..The A really isn't over, it's just on hold, on stand-still. And, I think MM's wife knows this.

 

MM ALSO told Hopeless that HE told his own wife "I still love Hopeless". So, yeah, his wife has every right to feel upset by this, even more so knowing that they work together.

[Jeff1962]

If you truly love someone then how far would you go to keep them?

 

I believe in honesty no matter how much it may hurt. This is why I chose this part of what you shared to quote.

 

I am in no way trying to hurt your feelings or be mean. I am merely trying to plant a seed in your mind. This x love of yours belongs to someone else.

 

If you truly love someone, can you allow them into your life knowing they are married? Can you truly share your mind and body with them and truly love yourself at the same time?

 

Is it true love knowing that your xMM broke a sacred promise that he took with his significant other on their wedding day, yet he was sleeping with you and still love yourself?

 

If you love yourself then you will not sleep with married men. You will expect more for yourself out of life. You must love yourself before you can ever truly love another.

 

Before you think ill of my words, I want you to know that I care about people. Life is full of hurt because that's how the world is. It is when we make wrong choices that we fill our lives with internal turmoil.

 

I wish you peace and happiness.

[Jeff1962]

By the way. For my wife and my children, I would move heaven and earth for them.

[pureinheart]

She and the BS have spoken on the phone and made an arrangement.. Hopeless's idea too. that if MM spoke to her, contacted her other than work related issues, she was going to tell his wife.. She approached the wife, so it's not like the wife is stalking.

 

MM's wife isn't a threat nor is she going to go after Hopeless.

 

MM needs to quit his job, I'm actually surprised that it hasn't happened (yet).

 

Anyway, she can end all of this by stop communicating with MM on a personal level. Atleast then her conscious from that point on will be clear. Right now, the wife is suspicious, rightfully so since MM is giving Hopeless hope (boy that reads weird) by telling her intimate things.. And she is allowing him to continue to speak to her like this, so to him, it's welcomed and an invitation to keep doing it. IF she threatened him and told him 'speak to me like that ONE more time, I'm telling your wife since I did promise her I would contact her if you crossed the the line with me..' But hope isn't going to do that because she wants him..The A really isn't over, it's just on hold, on stand-still. And, I think MM's wife knows this.

 

MM ALSO told Hopeless that HE told his own wife "I still love Hopeless". So, yeah, his wife has every right to feel upset by this, even more so knowing that they work together.

 

Yes, I had remembered the agreement, although still think it's a bad idea, too many "holes" per sey, too much room for miscommunication by way of communication. I have seen these things blow up, just like that.

 

Actually she doesn't know the W's past or really the MM's. There was much that I learned after the separation that surprised me. I know this sounds drastic, although there could be much mental illness as not everyone "acts" mentally ill, most know how to hide it. Just too much "unknown" and by continuing any type of communication to me is dangerous...I do respect your opinion though WWIU.

 

Well, the job thing is tricky as if it a good job with benefits, those are hard to find. If H is the only one working, then it may hurt them too much financially...also his pension could be tied up in it....relocation may be possible and if he can, that is what he should do.

 

I know this is a common thing with BS's having to have all of the information, to me it is torture and torment. If my H told me he was still in love with the OP I would have been gone. MM's W cannot let go for whatever reason.

[lovebubble]

u've been screwing her husband. she's gonna be curious for a while.

[OWoman]

Its not her checking stuff out that I'm going on about it's the texting me about it.

 

Block her number.

 

I wouldn't censor myself because some mentally wobbly person is obsessing over it - I'd simply block her from reading my stuff. If it's less accessible to her, she'll have to work harder to get it - and she'll need to make the call whether to go into stalker mode or to let it go and move on. While it's in the public domain, she - or anyone else - has easy access and she doesn't need to make that call. Once she has to decide to become a stalker or not, she'll have cause to reflect on her behaviour and can it - or go over the top, depending on quite how wobbly she is.

[PhoenixRise]

Block her number.

 

I wouldn't censor myself because some mentally wobbly person is obsessing over it - I'd simply block her from reading my stuff. If it's less accessible to her, she'll have to work harder to get it - and she'll need to make the call whether to go into stalker mode or to let it go and move on. While it's in the public domain, she - or anyone else - has easy access and she doesn't need to make that call. Once she has to decide to become a stalker or not, she'll have cause to reflect on her behaviour and an it - or go over the top, depending on quite how wobbly she is.

 

 

There is no evidence posted anywhere that this wife is mentally wobbly. Her past conversations with hopeless were very civil and she treated hopeless with kindness and respect.

 

Her behavior now in checking the website is normal behavior for a woman in her position who is just 6 weeks past dday.

 

Her behavior in texting is normal since hopeless DID willingly talk to her and in that conversation made unwise promises to the wife that she could not keep.

 

I agree with you that hopeless can and should block the wife from her myspace. But hopless has said she can not do this.

 

I think hopless has many options in how to deal with this:

 

She can block the wife -she has said she won't.

She can just ignore it.

She can stop contact with MM then this won't be such an issue.

She can stay in contact with MM and make peace with being his OW- and just not care what the wife says or does.

 

Or she could just continue to do what she is doing and continue to be upset by the results she is getting.

[NoIDidn't]

There is no evidence posted anywhere that this wife is mentally wobbly. Her past conversations with hopeless were very civil and she treated hopeless with kindness and respect.

 

 

The BW isn't mentally unstable. She's emotionally unstable. She just had her life rocked in a way that a person that hasn't experienced it can't fathom or understand. And she's perfectly normal in her responses.

 

Interesting that the BW is now being considered mentally unstable just for viewing a website that's open to the public. The problem is that she sent a text about it, and that is what hopeless should address. But I doubt she will, out of fear. Fear of being discovered in more lies. So the panic here about what to do about the site.

 

But the site wasn't the issue, even as the thread title says. The issue is the text that came out of the blue based on what was on the site.

 

If the page is for the son's band, how did the BW even know about it? If the page is for the son's band, why post personal feelings on it that have nothing to do with the band - from a person presumably not in the band? Why the mixing of the personal with business? Just curious questions, no answers needed.

[silktricks]

Again I want to say this is not about her checking my myspace its about her texting me about it.

 

What did she say?

 

And, out of curiosity, what did you mean when you said, "how far would you go"? If I read that on an xOW's website, I'd get pretty concerned. It wouldn't sound to me like you were planning on fulfilling the "stepping back" part of the bargain.

 

Not for a moment do I think either you or xMM's wife is mentally unstable.

Edited January 27, 2010 by silktricks

[2sure]

Its been almost 6 wks, I've not pressured xMM in any way, yes I've taken his calls, talked to him at work but not once have I got upset in front of him, not once have I tried to sway his decision.

She wanted me out of their life so why is she dragging me back into it??

 

Because you are not out their life.

 

He may be dragging you back into it. But you are not out of their life.

 

Its hard when you find out your H has had a secret life outside the marriage. Other than feeling betrayed...there is a curiosity. Anger, of course...but also just this ..curiosity. Who is this person that has been walking around in my life?

 

Many OW, if they get attached to MM feel the same curiosity about the wives. They arent malicious, may even feel bad, but still...they are curious.

[torranceshipman]

I personally think she's showing a lot of restraint - think about it....you have been having sex with her H for months: she sent you a short text message.

 

If you're this incensed about a just the text message, imagine how she must be feeling about the mental images of her H spending months having sex multiple times with another woman. She'd be quite abnormal if she DIDN'T want to check your MySpace, and your comment would have made her wonder, especially as she's been gaslighted to hell and back for a long time, lied to consistently over months, and just wants a little bit of truth out of someone. If I were you I'd maybe be a little bit more understanding.

[2sure]

Having to deal with the BS is an unfortunate risk of having an affair - for both the MM and the OW. You are a part of her life via her husband. When she was unaware of it, it was easy to forget you were a part of her life. But once a BS is aware of OW/OM you get the whole package. Extricate.

[footballmom]

I think you posted that message on your Myspace knowing or hoping that the BS would see it. And she did. It's a chance you take when you deal with someone else's spouse.

[lkjh]

If your myspace is for promoting your sons band why are putting your personal info on there. You wanted people to see it and you wanted him to see it.

[2sunny]

keep your word to his W - if he contacts you in any way that's anything other than business (since you have to work together) let her know.

 

you are not obligated to acknowledge every thing she may want to ask - especially about how you are doing or feeling.

 

you will make bigger strides in being happy for yourself - if you can remove yourself from any contact with either one of them. THAT is when you will begin to heal. for now, you are just in a holding pattern, which is a terrible place to be.

[OWoman]

The BW isn't mentally unstable. She's emotionally unstable. She just had her life rocked in a way that a person that hasn't experienced it can't fathom or understand. And she's perfectly normal in her responses.

 

You're correct, and that was actually what I meant to say but said badly (which was why I said "wobbly" rather than unstable - because I've not seen evidence in the posts of mental instability). Thanks for picking up on that NID and correcting.

[hopeless4u]

OK so I think I need to just say WHY I started the thread and maybe get a few things straight....

I have NO problem with xMM's W checking any of my public spaces, I read here that it's normal, I also have NO problem with xMM's W hating me, again probably normal.

 

I started the thread because she text me to tell me she was looking. My only vent about the whole thing.

 

Yes I know I should have complete NC with xMM(covered in another thread).

 

My Myspace is mostly for me and my friends but I do use it to promote my sons band, as it is for finding music it makes sense to direct other bands and promoters to my son's bands Myspace.

 

The post I put up was not directed at anyone, it was just how I was thinking at the time and as I was talking to my friends on Myspace at the time it was there I posted.

 

So to those who have advised me in a positive way I thank you and I won't be posting on Myspace again and for those who have posted negative things, think what you want but I truly am trying to do the best for me, xMM and his W in this very messy and emotionally shi**y situation.

[greengoddess]

oh please don't kid yourself. It was directed at your mm or his wife hoping they would read.

[Stung]

think what you want but I truly am trying to do the best for me, xMM and his W in this very messy and emotionally shi**y situation.

 

That's part of your problem, right there.

You CANNOT do what's best for all 3 parties involved in this shytstorm, which is why you are inconsistent and self-justifying all the time.

You don't even know what is truly best for him, he is not being honest with you, his wife, or himself. How can you possibly know where his heart truly lies and what is in his ultimate best interest?

What the wife believes is best for her is for you to stop playing halfway measures here, go into full, real NC with her husband, for him to get a job elsewhere, for them to go into counseling and for you to be like a teeny tiny speck in their rearview mirror. But you dance around any of this with LC and "but he called me," and maintain a presence in their lives, so of course she maintains a vigil on you (and has the effrontery to let you know about it ).

What's best for YOU is debatable. Many are of the opinion that it is for you to be well away from this man who seems to be toxic for you, but you probably think it is for him to leave his W and return to your open arms.

 

There are too many conflicts of interest here and you are going to have to draw some lines and make some hard choices if you really want to do something approximating what might be 'best' for all of you, instead of muddling along in the middle.