BF with an Internet Fling??? HELP!!!!!

[Sockergurl13]

All right, i have never submitted thoughts to a site like this, nor read much on them either. I guess you can call this a desperate last attempt.

 

I am not, or try not to be, a paranoid jealous person. I am secure in myself and my ability to make my boyfriend happy. My current man and I have been together for over a year now, my longest relationship...i am young. Well, things were rocky for the last month and a half, we fought alot and things that were rough for him at work were being brought from work into our relationship...cauing fights. Finally, and more needed than assumed, i went on a vacation for two weeks at a destination forcing me to not being able to communicate with him. This was supposed to be our time to be apart and reassess things...but we are still going out at this point.

 

Two days before my trip i got a real curious feeling and decided to check his e-mail. Now i knew i was walking on coals by doing so, and i have had his pasword for a long time, and trusted him so never felt the need to look...but something, that day, was driving more than anything. I have been cheated on before...and i got "that feeling" again.

 

Needless to say, i found an e-mail from this girl he claimed, once confronted, meant nothing, he never even met her, and knew he had a girlfriend. I asked how he met her, and he said a coworker thought they should talk and didnt know he was taken at the time...nonethless, he didnt see harm in "making a new friend..." So i let it slide, although i got curious and worried...I couldnt get it out of my head...he HID her from me...i mean i know about all his friends, and while i dont care that he talks to girls...he has never HID one from me.

 

I come home from vacation...now 3 weeks after the first incident...and i forgot about it. Last night, he checked his e-mail..and went to take a shower..leaving the e-mail screen on. Haha, wouldnt you know..i got "that feeling" again, and this time convinced myself that i wasnt doing anything bad, just reassuring my feelings are incorrect and he was harmless....

 

I went through the inbox...nothing. Went through the sent mail, and then they started showin up. The e-mails are about 3 times a week at MOST, and they were rather boring. I found out he had a "cousin who was in a bad car accident" that i never heard about...or so he said. Bu the best part of it all is, that he asked her what her "ideal date" was...and after she replied, he wrote back that his "ideal date" happened to be the EXACT date that i told him was mine...14 months ago, on our first date. He even made sure to make it known that cuddling on the date was a must, becaue he loves to cuddle....wow. I was shaking like no other and didnt know what to think...he lied. And through the e-mails i did find, there was no mention of me.....NONE.

 

So, those e-mails were when i was out of town. There werent any current ones since i came home. But what do i do? I love him deeply and dont like feeling like things are out of my grasp...but I would like to think tha i know he wouldnt physically cheat on me....but why does he feel the need o write this girl he doesnt know...tell me its platonic, that he doesnt even feel the need to ever meet or talk to h er on the phone...and know that it kills me, and still talk to her?

 

I have caught him in two lies about her already as well...he tld me he didnt give her his number adn then slipped up on that...and they he did the same as to when they started talking...

 

Wow, i wrote a lot...Sorry. THANKYOU for reading this if you got through it all...please help to ease my mind...i have never been in a siuation like this and dont know what to do, like i said...these are desperate measures!!

 

PLEASE RESPOND!!!!!!!!!! (Its greatly appreciated!)

[Kat]

I know how you feel as this happened to me once. Sadly he did stray, with more than one women, and more than one media (both in real life and online).

 

This behaviour is unacceptable. He shouldn't be sharing this stuff with aother lady. However, you do need to talk to him about this. If he has nothing to hide, you may find that he doesn't have an issue with you readin his emails and just kindly ask that if you want to in the furture to ask first.

 

I find those who have a lot to hide, are the ones who scream the biggest 'BETRAYED" comments out when told you found out about things them.

 

I suggest talking. if it all goes to buggery, then you know it wasn't ment to be. I am a firm believer in getting it all out in the open. Even if it is for the worst, at least you find out know and not later down the track when you are married with two kids. Satistic I know

 

Good luck, I know it hurts

[Sockergurl13]

I understand what you are saying...(and id like to mention that this site is real helpful), but he doesnt know i checked his e-mail. I betrayed his trust the first time i did it..he changed password, and happened to leave his e-mail on the screen this second time..

 

How do i start a conversation based on that? Do i say, "Hey so i checked youre e-mail again, because im real good at betraying your trust like that..."

 

Also, i talked to a couple people and some told me to leave him since he is planning a new relationship...i thought that was extreme..although would be the first time its happened to me...

 

Others told me to not forget it, but not to dwell on it...bring it up somehow when things cool down on the topic.

 

Could he really spend all his time with me, call all day and send i love you text messages to me, and still want to leave for some girl hes never met? Its not like him to even talk to another girl online that hes never met...

 

I am so really clueless on how to handle this, seeing just bringing it up isnt necessarily a possibility. PLus, if i keep talking about him cheating, doesnt that make me less attractive, id look paranoid...guys dont like that...

 

Help again please!

[jmargel]

I would bring up that you noticed something on his computer screen, and then tell him what you found. That it was already up. That you wanted to check your own email when you looked.

 

But to answer your question about him saying he loves you & wanting to be with someone he never met, the answer is yes. I know its not something you want to hear, but from my own experience i'll tell you what happened.

 

I had a female friend, who met this guy who lived an hour away. She fell head over heels for him, and they continued seeing each other for about a year. She was a Vet tech & loved animals, had a nice house with alot of land. Had prize horses as well.

 

Well, she ended up selling all of that, to move down with him. I told her to becareful since she was a good friend to me. He even proposed to her when she moved in with him. Well about a month or two later, she wanted to see me since she was so upset. She came up & told me that he was acting different. He was going out at 10pm at night to 'jog' which he never did. And he just seemed weird around her in general at times.

 

What really was going on was that during this time my friend was first going out with him, he was talking to a chick on the net. They were talking the whole time, him & my friend starting seeing each other. This other girl did not know about his gf. Well, the time came where this other girl wanted to meet him (He is from PA, and the other girl was from NC). So, he had to make a choice. Well, he ditched my friend and had this girl come up from NC. Its like he had no remorse. He let her sell her house, land, horses, etc.. and let her move in with him knowing he wasn't going to stay with her. Oh, and I mentioned the 'jogging'. It was actually him calling her at 10pm at night and that was his excuse to get away so his gf at the time wouldn't have known.

 

So, its not out of the possibility he is playing this game. He's not communicating or respecting you by doing this.

[Sockergurl13]

wow.....that story....sucks...(i mean that it happened...)

 

Im so lost. I mean i know what i have to do...its obvious...but im sooo...I cant believe this would happen. Its not in his nature. Well, ****...not the nature of the man he let me get to know, right? I have been with him for over a year now, and practically do live with him...i would like to be able to assume i know my own boyfriend...guess i should be careful what i assume.

 

So what do i do? I talk to him, bring it all up. Then do i forgive and forget. DO i end it all? What if he tells me he'll stop talking to her and he doesnt? ****...whats a relationship without trust?

 

What a happy new year....

[Kat]

As strange as it sounds, yes you need to tell him. Sit him down and explain that you have done something you are not proud of and you hope he can forgive you. Explain what you did and why (not that I think you were cheating, but that you had fears within yourself etc etc as to not blame him). Tell him what you found and why you are concerne d(i.e. how it makes you feel, that you are afraid about where this and that relationship is going).

 

Be very calm in explaining things to him and try not to blame him, but explain how you are feeling (repeat this to him if he starts getting defensive).

 

You will either find he will accept it, give you a big hug and call you silly and tell you all about it and that he was silly, etc. Or he will yell shout and scream and tell you to f* off and you can see that isn't someone you want to be with.

 

Good Luck

[VivianLee]

Well, things were rocky for the last month and a half, we fought alot and things that were rough for him at work were being brought from work into our relationship...cauing fights. Finally, and more needed than assumed, i went on a vacation for two weeks at a destination forcing me to not being able to communicate with him. This was supposed to be our time to be apart and reassess things...but we are still going out at this point.

 

 

It seems that things weren't going that well, relationship wise for y'all before you went on your vacation. He may be moving on in his heart but can't move on yet in his head. His e-mails sound like harmless flirting that we all do from time to time BUT the fact that y'all have had problems and that he is hiding things, sounds harmful instead of harmless.

 

I would confront him, you really have to. Whether he's truthful or not is a whole 'nother story. He may be wanting to have his perverbial cake and eat it too.....if he's been unhappy he may be looking for greener pastures....that's not your fault at all. Hey, whether the relationship (despite this) is great or not, the main thing you need to ask yourself, can you trust him? Should you trust him? Can you stay in a relationship with him and feel secure?

 

 

Oh and as far as worrying about what he thinks about your so-called invading his privacy...BLAH...don't let that cloud the issue at hand....he wasn't being trustworthy so self preservation came in and your distrust was right....that's his fault not yours!!

[LoveKills03]

Hes a ****ing dumbass. Hes a ****ing player. he's not commited.. he said your dating but he doesnt tell the other girl. What the hell is that? Dump him. Hes not trust full you can find better then him.

[luvcrazy02]

I'm real sorry this is happening to you. I think that you definitely have to confront him about it. It needs to come out. I went through something similar just last week. My bf was on this site called hotornot, where you post your pic...get rated...and you can sign up for a "meet me" thing and email and get emails. Well, we are both on the site, and both on the "meet me" cuz he wanted to see if anyone would click on him, and I had it before I met him. He never said anything about clicking on girls though. Well, I too had his email password, and I needed to get into his hotornot account so I could post his rating on my site. He had changed that password, and I told him I was gonna have it emailed to his aol account so I could get his rating. When I got into his account I found a personal email from the hotornot site, knowing it was from a girl...I opened it myself. This girl was trying to hook up with him, and he hadn't read it yet. I kept it there and decided to confront him about it. He knew I read it, cuz it wasn't in bold anymore. He was irritated at it, but did not change his password, cuz he didn't want to hide anything from me...so he says. I told him I was uncomfortable about it, and he didn't understand why...and he threw the whole trust issue at me. After another week or so, I checked his email again, and found that he had sent email to a girl, but all it said was that this was the email she could reach him at. Nothing had started yet. After I found this site, I told him about it, and said that I would be more comfortable with him talking on here than a dating site. He agreed, and now both of our "meet me" accounts are deleted.

 

What I'm trying to get at....is if he gets a little defensive at first...that's normal...but keep talking about it..telling him your feelings and why you feel the way you do. Ask him if he understands where you're coming from, and tell him how important this is to you. If he does love you...then he'll respect your feelings. You'll have to just see how the conversation goes when you bring it up to be able to make any decisions. It could go either way sweetie. Just hang in there. If it turns out he won't compromise and make you feel better, then he wasn't the one for you, and there's someone out there better, just waiting for you to come along. Good luck!

[dyingtolive]

my boyfriend was talking to tons of girls, and he claims never to have met them he said far worse things, and my dumbass is still with him.

i hate the internet it corrupts peoples minds.

[jester]

i hate the internet it corrupts peoples minds.

 

I suspect you're on to something. The internet exponentially increases choices and temptations --whether porn, gambling , shopping sites or other people. The internet is a Black Hole that swallows judgment, perspective, loyaltyand most of all--attention.

 

The internet is a gateway, a siren call, to temptation, distraction, addiction, and obsession.

 

Without the damn lure of the internet, the quality of many a marriage would improve, instead of being in a permanent state of distraction.

[moimeme]

It is so typical that people blame inanimate objects rather than their own pathetic selves for what they do wrong. The internet is a neutral object. It is the key to a whole world of information; nobody need be uninformed about any subject under the sun if they choose. Today, I have read a great deal on philosophy and psychology, among other things, from Internet sources alone. I could, if I desired, spend my evening learning about quantum physics or Thai cooking or Renaissance culture - again, all using the Internet alone.

 

One can also learn vast amounts about the world from television; networks like PBS and Discovery have endless amounts of excellent programming.

 

However, just the way people complaining they are too fat inevitably turn their steering wheels into the fast food parking lots instead of those of health food restaurants and watch Extreme Gross-out Killing Fun, people who have zero ability to govern their own tastes use the Internet to feed their unhealty habits. This is not the fault of the Internet.

 

Oh, if only the people who claim they believe in 'personal responsibility' would only take some sometimes...

 

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by jester

The internet exponentially increases choices and temptations --whether porn, gambling , shopping sites or other people. The internet is a Black Hole that swallows judgment, perspective, loyaltyand most of all--attention.

 

The internet is a gateway, a siren call, to temptation, distraction, addiction, and obsession.

 

Without the damn lure of the internet, the quality of many a marriage would improve, instead of being in a permanent state of distraction.

I actually agree with this statement. Of course, you have to put it into context. I agree with Moimeme that a person shouldn't blame the internet but rather their inability to resist temptation and their weakness to the point of obsession.

 

Unfortunately, there are people out there who are, for whatever reason, unable to resist temptation and they have to then take the responsibility for their own actions when it causes problems.

 

I agree that the internet is an inanimate object, but the people you come into contact with through the internet are not. Most times, therein lies the problem.

[dyermaker]

Ugh, I hate oxygen.

 

If people didn't breathe oxygen, they wouldn't grow up and kill people, they wouldn't be able to breathe while having affairs, they'd suffocate before saying unkind words--OXYGEN is a DETRIMENT to humanity.

[jester]

If one attempts sarcasm, at least let it be clever.

[dyermaker]

meow

[jester]

Dyer, come on. Without denying human responsibility and accountability for our actions, don't you think the internet has created alot of mischief in people's lives?

 

It's like a gateway drug!

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by jester

Dyer, come on. Without denying human responsibility and accountability for our actions, don't you think the internet has created alot of mischief in people's lives?

Uhm, that's EXACTLY denying human accountability--the internet is completely inanimate, it doesn't suffer from the human malady of respiration.

 

It's like a gateway drug!

 

I take it you blame drugs for drug problems?

 

So far, there's no drugs that inject themselves into you. There's no drug that purchases and indulges in harder drugs for you. Drug addicts make a choice, the first time they choose to become chemically dependent, and subsequent times when they lose control of their life without seeking treatment for their own actions.

 

When someone dies of a drug overdose, I don't consider them as being "killed" by drugs, I see them as killing themselves. I was lucky to not have anyone I've personally cared about make such fatal decisions, but the lives of John Bonham, Jimi Hendrix, Bradley Knowell--all people who chose drugs over control, and succumbed.

[jester]

Bradley Knowell? Who was he?

 

Sublime. I got it.

[dyermaker]

I may have spelled him wrong, he was the cobain of "Sublime", a talented and spirited reggae-ska band of the 90's. They were just getting started, and could have been a lot greater. He died of a heroin overdose. He was really smart, but really stupid, and while some people consider his death a tragedy, I see it as a waste, contributions to society, as well as the love he had for his family and friends, wasted for an ugly thrill.

[jester]

I have a couple of their CDs, and I remember one tune--40 oz

 

Great stuff. I didn't know any names of individual band members.

[dyermaker]

The remaining members formed the "Long Beach Dub Allstars", and just by listening to some of their stuff, you can hear how much Bradley really carried Sublime.

They do that song "Trailer Ras", if you've ever heard it--"Way back in Juinior High I coulda sworn my name was whiteboy..."

[jester]

Guy, you know music.

 

What's the best band out there right now?

[dyermaker]

I'd have to say OutKast, in terms of what things are actually being produced recently. The White Stripes, Eminem, The Strokes, and to a lesser extent Everclear are all putting out some pretty good stuff. In terms of bands that are still doing stuff, but not neccessarily as good as they were, I like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I also heard a new band, "OK GO", on Mad TV and bought their CD, I'm not sure if they're my little secret or not, but I like them a lot.

 

As for bands that are recent, but completely gone, I like the Stone Temple Pilots and Alice and Chains. I also think Sheyrll Crowe is very talented. It's a bummer that there aren't any good "guitar bands" that I'm hearing, my all time favorite is Led Zeppelin and friends, I'm also a big Stevie Ray Vaughan fan.

[Mollyanna]

I am a little late getting into this topic but I just had to respond because I found myself in a similar situation a couple of years ago.

 

I was seriously dating a guy who practically lived with me. He owned his own Construction Company so during the winter he got a little lazy and just sent the foreman and the workers out - while he just hung out... Most of the time that I was at work, he was at my house on my computer. We met in a chatroom and became friends. We talked everyday for months before I ever met him. Why didn't I see that while I was at work, he was using MY COMPUTER to seduce women? How did I find out? Well I got suspicious just like you. He was spending entirely too much time on the computer and had started using it even when I was there or if I was at his house. I couldn't understand why I was there if he was just going to sit in a chatroom and talk to OTHER PEOPLE!

 

I didn't get into his emails - only because I didn't have the password! But I did go into the chatroom with another name. And I put a couple of posts in the community board about how I was single and pretty and BAM! 2 seconds later, I got an private message from him chatting me up! Within one hour, he had asked to meet me. After that, I started questioning some of the other gals in the room. I found out that he had sex with 2 girls in the past couple of months. (We had been together for 6 months at that point.) And there were a couple of others who he was talking to on the phone and pledging how much he cared about them already and how it was fate and they needed to meet because he was sure it was love without even seeing them. (pretty well all the stuff I was foolish enough to believe too.)

 

No, what I did wasn't extremely trusting, but sometimes evil methods are called for! If I were you, I wouldn't feel a bit guilty about snooping. He has already proven to you that he is dishonest.