Family Abuse and Confusion.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

How about I list examples of the greatness that is my family. The terror of the things that happened to me over the years. My reasons for posting this is because I haven't talked to them in about a year and I'm in "recovery" so to speak, but sometimes I have set backs emotionally--Here are some examples:

 

1. Being beaten with cowhide belts. Covered in bruises from rump to back of knees. Beaten with: brooms, ping pong paddles (so bad my behind bled), wooden spoons. Hair pulled. Kicked.

 

2. Pictures of my sister and I taken from behind and placed on the fridge as reminders of how "fat" we were at the ripe old age of 13. Cabinets locked so we wouldn't eat too much.

 

3. Name calling: I was called a slut, and emotional nitwit, weak, "simple", stupid, boring.

 

4. Guilt tripping: Of course, not calling enough, not doing enough, not being enough, not putting enough effort in, etc.

 

 

There WERE things they would say in encouragement but it was never long lasting. There were things that they would do that would support me but then there was always something to undermine that support. Example: my car. They bought it for my 30th birthday but I have gotten nothing but **** since from them about it...they've threatened to take it away which is interesting because I now own the damn thing.

 

I was the emotional scapegoat for years. The one picked on for kicks. I really feel that way. I never said much because I wanted to deflect the situation.

 

Right now I am feel the aftermath of everything. I have flashbacks of what happened and have new repressed memories rearing their head and I can't seem to shake this terrible feeling I have. The other day when I went to therapy we talked about a lot of this. I talked about how sad I am because my dad is a shell of the man he once was. Kowtowing to my mom, enabling her dominant behavior. It's not all her fault. However, I didn't do anything to warrant this bull****. They are some of the most hypocritical people I know...they expect communication out of me but don't do it themselves. They assume but don't ask. My father has a lot of pride and would never lower himself to initiate a conversation with me. We got into it a couple of years ago and I picked up the phone and called HIM. He said something about how he had been gardening and thought of me, which is what he and I used to do together.

 

So do you understand what has happened in the last several years? This is just the tip of the iceberg. I have "forgiven" them for the most part but still have bouts of anger...and most recently, a void inside. Going back seems useless. Thoughts? Be gentle.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

I would love a response to this, it would really help!

[Eve]

Glad you are in therapy. Above all else learn to be good to yourself. If you want to leave the past behind, let this be the first priority.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[HeyThere]

L Miss L, I’ve a knot in my stomach from reading this. These abuses are horrible, I’m sure there is good in there somewhere, just hard to see when so much is overwhelming. The other part of abuse is not so recognizable; abuse covered in humor or so called kindness, if you will. The subtle abuses go along with the not so subtle ones. Recognizing the more subtle of abuses are harder and with help lead the abused out of the swamp. Create some boundaries for yourself such as not discussing private issues with your parents, not blaming or being blamed (labeled)… you don’t announce these boundaries with your family – more or less it’s done in a mental fashion. If they cross a boundary then immediately call them on it – I’m sure you’ve heard some of this before.

 

Keep your head up high.

 

Best of everything.

 

p.s. – If that is a real picture of you, you’re beautiful, LS highly discourages that for a variety of reasons – look up avatar guidelines. If not then forget it.

Edited February 4, 2010 by HeyThere

[pureinheart]

Hey Miss L,

 

Wow...a bit overwhelming to say the least, I think it would be an understatement to say that your parents are very sick and in much denial. You have grown though, and are doing the right thing so that this horrible behavior is not passed down.

 

A psychologist or therapist could look at this one "section" of what you have to say and find 10 or more chronic/severe issues with what you went through.

 

One in which you might explore if you are doing some of this on your own is called "Traumatic Bonding"....when reading the dynamics of what this actually is it brings out to the surface much anger.

 

I was never abused physically, although very much so mentally...in a VERY short version was the "pedestal" child that fell from grace after being molested at the age of 8...sick all the way around for me.

 

Again, short version...my fiancee was murdered because of me so to speak...jealous ex gf and I had recently lost the only male that I could trust at the age of 17....

 

I became VERY angry and would explode literally...in essence I became what was done to me and what I hated...now after much councelling and am now about to be 50 (and thank God even with everything look priddy good, not 50 at all, yeah!), there is no need to be abusive.

 

You have a lot of courage....

[pureinheart]

L Miss L, I’ve a knot in my stomach from reading this. These abuses are horrible, I’m sure there is good in there somewhere, just hard to see when so much is overwhelming. The other part of abuse is not so recognizable; abuse covered in humor or so called kindness, if you will. The subtle abuses go along with the not so subtle ones. Recognizing the more subtle of abuses are harder and with help lead the abused out of the swamp. Create some boundaries for yourself such as not discussing private issues with your parents, not blaming or being blamed (labeled)… you don’t announce these boundaries with your family – more or less it’s done in a mental fashion. If they cross a boundary then immediately call them on it – I’m sure you’ve heard some of this before.

 

Keep your head up high.

 

Best of everything.

 

p.s. – If that is a real picture of you, you’re beautiful, LS highly discourages that for a variety of reasons – look up avatar guidelines. If not then forget it.

 

Excellent reply...this type of abuse keeps abusee in constant confusion, wondering what is real and what is not...this is one form that was used on me, not parents though.

[KikiW]

It sounds to me like you are just starting to deal with the years of abuse, obviously you've been "dealing with it" for a while, but I mean with the help of a therapist. That is so great that you found someone to help you through the process.

 

Be patient with yourself. This will probably take longer than you think.

 

Be kind to yourself. Indulge yourself in even small things like a manicure, or a stroll through the park.

 

Find your voice. I suspect you'll find it first in therapy, but let it out in the general world too. Don't be afraid to say how you feel.

 

Use the forums here if you need to, people here can be extremely helpful and a wealth of encouragement and information.

 

Know you can handle this. You are stronger than you think, and for all their put-downs of you, they are terrified that you will figure it out. My mother had a difficult childhood - she used all her sadness, anger and disappointments as a focus to help her become successful, because they always told her she was a failure and she proved them all wrong.

 

You can do it!