How many here seek people's General Approval?

[moimeme]

Do you want everybody to like you? If so, does it bother you a lot if somebody doesn't?

 

Do you only care whether the people you esteem like you? (i.e. not everybody but some)?

 

These questions pertain to your life in general (i.e. not specifically here).

[bark]

Do you want everybody to like you? If so, does it bother you a lot if somebody doesn't?

 

As much as I hate to admit it, I do want all to like me. And it does bother me if someone doesn't.

 

I've noticed that this need to be liked grew as I got older.

 

When I was in my heady, inner directed 20s and 30s I could have cared less. Now, at 53, I'm more other directed.

 

I wonder if we'll find gender differences, here, too?

[Fancy]

I'd be lying if I said I didn't like approval. We ALL do. It's a human trait. However, the older I get, the less it matters to me what people think of me. It used to be a major thing for me, but not as much as it used to be. I have a handful of people in my life who I really want to think highly of me and approve of me. The others, for the most part, can kiss my grits. I've wasted wayyyyyyyyyy too many years of my life seeking approval that never comes. Oh how I wish I could reclaim those years and spend them more productively.

[bark]

I feel like a reverse commuter, Fancy. I should be moving in your direction, but I'm not.

[brashgal]

Maybe there is a gender difference then, I don't work as hard as I used to for approval. Ironically, I think I garner more approval since I am better able to keep my mouth shut than I was in my 20s and 30s. I like people to like me but if they don't, their loss.

 

You didn't mention it but I do want people to respect me. Not sure if I try any harder now to make that happen but I'm more disappointed than I used to be if they don't.

[mjk]

I used to feel like I had to be liked by people.

 

Then I realized that it doesn't matter if someone likes me or not. that is their half.

 

I can be free to like or love someone and it doesn't matter now whether or not they feel the same way.

 

So...what might have bothered me in the past has become just that...the past!

[Kat]

Originally posted by moimeme

Do you want everybody to like you?

I don't want everyone to like me, that is an unrealistic expectation which can only bring dissapointment. But I do I want people to accept me. Whether they like me or not or they agree with me or not, I just want people to accept that I am different to them and that I think differently. It doesn't mean that I am any better or worse (in some case )

 

I don't like the idea of people not liking 'who they think I am'. Sure if they know the real me and hate me, good for them I am not hurt at all. But if they make up stories, listen to the masses, and basically build me up to be someone I am not, and then hate THAt person, I get angry.

Do you only care whether the people you esteem like you? (i.e. not everybody but some)?

If I like someone, they do not have to like me back.

[yes]

Originally posted by moimeme

Do you want everybody to like you? If so, does it bother you a lot if somebody doesn't?

 

 

No, I don't. But it's almost always pleasant to be liked. It bothers me a lot if somebody I care about doesn't even like me, yes.

 

Do you only care whether the people you esteem like you? (i.e. not everybody but some)?

 

Yes, I care more if those I respect and admire like me. If they don't, I'll try to figure out why.

 

These questions pertain to your life in general (i.e. not specifically here).

 

In general, I won't alter myself in search of external approval, but I do enjoy being liked.

 

-yes

[Thinkalot]

Yes, I want people to like me. I am working hard to let go of my need of other's approval. I get upset if I think they disagree or dissaprove, and am learning slowly to simply do what I think is right.

[yes]

the problem is that unless from a very religious family, a person has no "system of coordinates", no standards to judge the people and events in the world. approval can replace these standards i.e. if all these people approve, it must be right!

 

the problem with establishing your own system of coordinates is that ... there's no way to evaluate it. you'd need an external system of coordinates for that, and the cycle repeats eternally. so, one has to pick(create) a system of coordinates and just decide that it's right, on his own - a very lonely experience.

 

some basic parts are built into us (or many of us) by family/society/whatever else - don't kill, etc. but one needs a much more elaborate system of standards for daily life, right? that's the human condition... eternally one on one with the stupid system of coordinates ...

 

i think people know relying on external approval is bad, but why is it so bad? because 1- you can't please everybody; 2- the majority may be wrong; 3- you may simply disagree with the majority and want to do otherwise. life is much easier if you're in sync (sp?) w/ the majority though ...

 

just some random thoughs.

-yes

[jenny]

i like having approval from those i like, or who have information or arguments that i have not heard, but for the rest, fu*k 'em.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Do you want everybody to like you? If so, does it bother you a lot if somebody doesn't?

 

When I was younger it meant a great deal to me what my peers thought of me. I measured my self worth according to the number of friends I had accumulated. But as I got older I became more introspective and self aware. Now, I prefer quality of friends to quantity. The only person I need affirmation from is “me.” And as long as I respect and like that person staring back at me in the mirror, it matters little what anyone else might think.

 

Do you only care whether the people you esteem like you? (i.e. not everybody but some)?

 

No, not really. But when it came to the many careers I’ve had during my lifetime, it was always nice to get positive feedback from those I respected and admired. As long as they “liked” my work, it never mattered what they thought of me personally. I’ve always preferred the pat on the back to a disingenuous hug. But I could live perfectly content without either one.

 

…Isn’t that weird??

[Tony T]

"Do you want everybody to like you?"

 

Never thought about it...so the answer is No. However, it's nice if people do like you. At Christmas time I'm happy a lot of people don't like me because it saves on postage and the time required to prepare Christmas cards or call in holiday wishes.

 

"If so, does it bother you a lot if somebody doesn't?"

 

I prefer to concentrate on the people who do like me. There are some people I don't like but I avoid them so I'm sure it matters not to them. I just pretend they had never been born. Oh, now there we have one. I do seek the approval of all the people who have never been born...now isn't that sick?

 

"Do you only care whether the people you esteem like you?"

 

Not really, not any more. After years of therapy, it really doesn't bother me so much who likes or doesn't like me. People come and people go. Needing people to like you is akin to fear of rejection, one of people's greatest fears. It's a given that some people are going to like you and some aren't. Generally speaking, if a person knows you have a high regard for them they will like you in return. If they don't, screw 'em!

 

It's real nice when people like you...but when they don't, it's not the end of the world. I don't think I'm the norm. Years of counselling can do wonders for anybody. I think the greatest number of people have a great need for love and approval which, again, brings on the fear of rejection. It's real nice when people like you...but when they don't it certainly isn't the end of the world.

 

Since you are the Goddess of links, go here to read what Albert Ellis' philosophy is on the subject: http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/bel1.htm

 

Just found this excellent article on Albert Ellis from the New Yorker I thought you'd enjoy as well. I think he's the greatest and he doesn't have any idea I'm even alive: http://www.rebt.org/newyorker.htm

[cdn]

When I was in my heady, inner directed 20s and 30s I could have cared less. Now, at 53, I'm more other directed.

 

 

I can relate to this sentiment. In my case, my increase in "other-directedness" coincided with the birth of my daughter. That opened me up to an extent I never would have known was possible. At the same time, I became both more compassionate in general terms and more selective as to who I call a friend.

 

I think there is a difference between being liked and being esteemed. Each can exist without the other.

[Errol]

The only people I want to like me, or whose approval I seek, are the ones who sign my paycheck.

 

If someone doesn't like me then we don't become friends - no big deal, we can't all be each others best friend!

[moimeme]

Thanks much, all, for the interesting replies - and special thanks to Tony for those terrific links.

 

For my part, I don't seek general approval (could you guess LOL). It means a lot when people I esteem (or like)think well of me, but it isn't necessary to my regard for them. In fact, as a rule, I'm surprised and humbled when people express gratitude, compliments, or fondness for me.

 

GOL

(The Goddess of Links )

[subtitled]

people i respect and admire i always hope for some reciprocation of those feelings.

 

why?

 

because i respect their values, i hope that those set of values that they possess and i admire includes respecting me as a person, otherwise me as a person is nowhere near the values i admire..

 

if that makes any sense.

 

people i don't respect and admire i couldn't give a **** if they liked me or not, except for the general awkwardness and painfulness of having people dislike you.

[Arabess]

The only people I want to like me, or whose approval I seek, are the ones who sign my paycheck.

 

I TOTALLY agree with Errol!!!!!!! I suck up like a looney tune with any of my 'higher ups'. If that doesn't work....hell, I'll flirt with them. I have NO PRIDE in this area....my pride is in paying my bills and supporting my children. There is great competition in my field of work and you gotta do what you gotta do to stay ahead.

 

The rest of the people in my life generally do like me. It DOES bother me if someone doesn't. I'll go out of my way to try to win them over in most cases. Then, if they don't....BUMP 'EM!

[longlegzs80]

I would consider myself a very odd strange chic who does not care one way if someone likes me or not. That is probubly why I don't have very many friends, social life or man. I just be myself and if people like me that is great and if there are people who don't like me that is fine too.

[Natural9]

Go against people's "general approval", its more fun.

 

Your true friends and family will accept anything you do and they are the one's that only matter.

[Geoff]

I can still like someone, even if they don't like me, and I'm ok with that, however, on two occasions, I have met a person and instantly despised them for absolutely no reason, there were no grounds to base my opinion. The intensity of my feelings of dislike were so strong, I felt close to hatred toward the person. This situation caused me alot of distressed. I tried very hard to understand why, and where these feelings were coming from.

 

On one occassion, the person felt an instant dislike for me as well. Being cordial was a challenge. Oddly enough the person and myself were very similar in personality, and shared alot of the same life experiences/emotional hangups, which i discovered from our mutual friends. It was that strange balance of wanting to like eachother, but loving to hate eachother. I know this sounds very sick, which is why it was so distressing for me. I guess we triggered something in eachother. As sick as this sounds part of me wanted to keep hating the other person and sometimes enjoyed being mean, however, in doing that, I felt alot of guilt. I also felt like I was punishing a part of myself I didn't like.

 

I never figured out the second occassion.

 

Both of these situations happened a number of years ago and haven't happened since. I was burdened, and felt alot of grief during both of these circumstances. Negativity takes alot of energy out of you. I hope I never feel this way again.

 

Regards,

 

Geoff