ready to have this overwith but scared

[ann09]

So my husband and I have come to an agreement. After knowing I have cheated in the past - he doesn't want me and agrees that splitting is in both of our best interests. I have been painfully honest with him - knowing it's only fair that he knows everything. I haven't asked anything from him and told him I have no intention of making any of this difficult.

He doesn't want that either. He says he wants me to stay in the house with the kids - we will share custody etc. So all this should be very easy right? My concern is the kids and how theyre going to cope with this and telling my family - who are very old fashioned and this kind of thing just doesn't happen in my family (perception is everything). I'm scared. I am not scared for me - but I am scared for my kids. I have expressed this to my H and we talk about it a lot. But he doesn't want to stay together just for the sake of the kids. I just never thought my kids would come from a broken home.

I am not asking for criticism - I know how I have screwed up - but I also know my H and I are not meant to be together. He has accepted this and wants to move on with his life. I don't love him as a wife should and I believe he is feeling the exact same way these days. I am asking for advice from people with kids possibly my kids ages (12, 9 and 7). My H and I will live near eachother and love them so much that I know we can do this - but how?

[FreeNow]

I also know my H and I are not meant to be together.

 

This is not criticism Ann. Until you realize that nobody is meant for another then you will likely live an emotionally messed up and unsatisfying life.

 

Relationships are what we make of them. Lose the whole 'soulmate' and 'meant for each other' mindset and even what you seek to resolve here will be easier to figure out in time. Please don't pass on this sustained romantic love myth to your children. Perhaps take some time to research as to when and how the concept of romantic love in marital partnerships entered mainstream western civilization.

 

You've destroyed a marriage and affected the future of your children based upon a myth. They will sustain further damage until you can see clearly what romantic love is and its role in relationships.

[FreeNow]

I know we can do this - but how?

 

That is a non sequitur.

 

Typically, one can't readily know if one can accomplish a task until they at least have a fuzzy notion of how one is going to go about it.

 

How do you plan on facilitating the best life for your children?

[floridapad]

My H and I will live near eachother and love them so much that I know we can do this - but how?

 

Correction... your ex H. He will be someone elses H down the road. Need to get used to that.

 

When you say "we can do this" I'm not sure what you mean. Live as divorced parents? Of course you can. The difficulty comes in when the exH falls in love with someone else and gives her all he now has to offer. That W will also need to be a part of your childrens lives as well. Thats where things get complicated.

 

What advice are you looking for? How to do a divorce? How to make it work?

 

Need more info. Don't worry Ann you will have your divorce and seperation before you know it. Then the fun begins..

[hopesndreams]

At least you get the house and the kids huh? No scrounging for pennies for you or figuring out visitation for yourself. He has been way too kind to you and you have been so undeserving of it. I'm sure you will be set up quite nice and cozy.

 

Do your stbxh a favour. Never nosy into his private life and don't chit chat with him unless it is to do with the kids. Somehow, I highly doubt you will do this for him. After all, it's all about you.

[Steadfast]

Once, on assignment in Europe I met a beautiful young Italian post-graduate student (20-years younger than my wife) who developed feelings for me. At home my wife was well on her way out; repulsed by my advances and gearing up for a full blown affair. For all I know, it might have already happened. The Italian beauty handed me the key to her cabin and batting her eyes, expressed a strong desire to see me later. If I was ever going to cheat, it would have been then, on that ship in the middle of the Mediterranean. Laying my head on my pillow and filled with temptation, the image of my son's face appeared behind my eyelids. I knew then I could not. And I didn't, thank God.

 

Ann, it's a little late in the game for these worries. The best advice is to treat each other with respect (for you, this will be a change) and tell your family to keep their opinions to themselves. Your kids will discover that you're not perfect and have weaknesses. Why worry? There's a lesson there for them too.

 

Finally, the above post by FreeNow is the best advice you could get. Bravo. Oh, and the Italian beauty? The next morning at breakfast she told me that when she marries, she hoped it was to a man like me. I told her to be careful what you wish for. In this case, I offer you the same warning Ann.

Edited January 27, 2010 by Steadfast

[stillafool]

So my husband and I have come to an agreement. After knowing I have cheated in the past - he doesn't want me and agrees that splitting is in both of our best interests. I have been painfully honest with him - knowing it's only fair that he knows everything. I haven't asked anything from him and told him I have no intention of making any of this difficult.

He doesn't want that either. He says he wants me to stay in the house with the kids - we will share custody etc. So all this should be very easy right? My concern is the kids and how theyre going to cope with this and telling my family - who are very old fashioned and this kind of thing just doesn't happen in my family (perception is everything). I'm scared. I am not scared for me - but I am scared for my kids. I have expressed this to my H and we talk about it a lot. But he doesn't want to stay together just for the sake of the kids. I just never thought my kids would come from a broken home.

I am not asking for criticism - I know how I have screwed up - but I also know my H and I are not meant to be together. He has accepted this and wants to move on with his life. I don't love him as a wife should and I believe he is feeling the exact same way these days. I am asking for advice from people with kids possibly my kids ages (12, 9 and 7). My H and I will live near eachother and love them so much that I know we can do this - but how?

 

I don't understand what you are afraid of. Are you saying you are afraid your family will shun your kids because you are divorcing? If so screw the hell out of them. It is not your childrens fault that you are getting a divorce. It is yours! If they can't accept that and treat the kids with the sympathy they deserve then you don't need them. I can't blame your husband for not wanting to stay to save face to your family. They need to get a life!

[lkjh]

There is no "mean to be with" when in comes to marriage. Marriage is work and you took the easy way out.

 

Your kids will cope but they will now have less respect for marriage but they will be fine

[2.50 a gallon]

Ann

 

What are the childrens ages?

 

Gallon

[nobmagnet]

ann,

 

 

Trust me your actions will screw your kids lives up so be prepared for guilt (although i doubt you posess that emotion) My kids are still suffering and will continue to for many years to come as much as i make excuses for the LOWLEYs excit.

 

Dont fool yourself there is an easy way to do this because there isnt. Your behaviour and inability to sort it out years ago before your affaire have caused your present position. If you had worked harder and been less selfish and seen your husband for the obvious saint he is, you wouldnt been here and you should be ashamed.

 

You have created this......................your children havent. And trust me when I say they will see you for what you are one day.

 

 

I think highly of your husband for his integrity but he doesnt know about your affaire does he ann???????????

 

 

nob

[hopeless4u]

So my husband and I have come to an agreement. After knowing I have cheated in the past - he doesn't want me and agrees that splitting is in both of our best interests. I have been painfully honest with him - knowing it's only fair that he knows everything. I haven't asked anything from him and told him I have no intention of making any of this difficult.

He doesn't want that either. He says he wants me to stay in the house with the kids - we will share custody etc. So all this should be very easy right? My concern is the kids and how theyre going to cope with this and telling my family - who are very old fashioned and this kind of thing just doesn't happen in my family (perception is everything). I'm scared. I am not scared for me - but I am scared for my kids. I have expressed this to my H and we talk about it a lot. But he doesn't want to stay together just for the sake of the kids. I just never thought my kids would come from a broken home.

I am not asking for criticism - I know how I have screwed up - but I also know my H and I are not meant to be together. He has accepted this and wants to move on with his life. I don't love him as a wife should and I believe he is feeling the exact same way these days. I am asking for advice from people with kids possibly my kids ages (12, 9 and 7). My H and I will live near eachother and love them so much that I know we can do this - but how?

 

 

Your kids will be fine, don't worry and certainly don't listen to some of the posts on here....bitter springs to mind!!

My son was 9 when my xH had a fling, we had been together 12 yrs and I tried for 6 months but it just wasn't working. We D, he was and still is a big part of our sons life(he will be 18 next month) our son is just fine and has not been scared by any of it.

 

So long as you and your H put your children first, in that I mean no fighting in front of them etc. My xH and I go places with our son together, we went to his university interviews together, his gigs(he sings and plays guitar in a band).

Things will be ok I promise..

((hugs))

[Steadfast]

 

Your kids will be fine, don't worry and certainly don't listen to some of the posts on here....bitter springs to mind!!

 

Things will be ok I promise..

 

((hugs))

 

That's an empty promise. You have no way of knowing that. As long as you're using your own experiences to demonstrate, can I ask if your married (ex) boyfriend hung out with you and your ex too? One big happy family? How about the (ex) BF's wife? Was she invited? No? That's mean.

 

So sad. So bitter. ((hugs)) Happy happy!!

[PWSX3]

My friend who is in his 40's said when his folks divorced he was only 6 or 7 but they never got along after wards & he still talks about how bad it was.

 

He has had lots of girlfriends but never gets serious with them.

 

I have noticed my 19 year old has been affected by our divorce, but I try to be very open with him. I do believe he looks at marriage different now because of the things he shares with me.

 

I wished I had the money I could send him to a counselor for a while, I really do feel it would help.

 

I read & hear on the radio it can effect the kids for many years later.

 

Ann, you know I've followed your thread & I wish things would work out for you but I also wish you the best in your future.

 

It won't be easy & once you are away for a while I do believe you will start to get feelings again, I know I still get them for my former W even though she was the one that left. I can't say they will be good or bad but when you are with someone they just don't go away.

 

Good luck.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

This is not criticism Ann. Until you realize that nobody is meant for another then you will likely live an emotionally messed up and unsatisfying life.

 

Relationships are what we make of them. Lose the whole 'soulmate' and 'meant for each other' mindset and even what you seek to resolve here will be easier to figure out in time. Please don't pass on this sustained romantic love myth to your children. Perhaps take some time to research as to when and how the concept of romantic love in marital partnerships entered mainstream western civilization.

 

You've destroyed a marriage and affected the future of your children based upon a myth. They will sustain further damage until you can see clearly what romantic love is and its role in relationships.

 

Perhaps there are no perfect soulmates or people who are "meant to be together" but it makes obvious sense that there are stronger/better matches, and weaker/worse matches. You just can't throw any two people together and say chemistry/attraction doesn't matter, that any two random people can make it work. I just don't believe that.

 

I've been following Ann's story. I'm very convinced that Ann married for the wrong reasons. No... let me rephrase that. They seemed like the right reasons at the time. She made the best decision based on the knowledge and experience she had accumulated up to that point. But the reasons weren't ones that would endure. Forget the cheating for just one moment. She made a mistake in her choice of life partner. It happens. A lot of people marry for reasons that are not life-sustaining.

 

Seems like everyone here thinks that Ann should be sentenced to this mistake for the very rest of her life. Too bad, so sad, you chose someone you don't really love, now suck it up and make it work. Is that what the majority of people here really think?

Edited January 28, 2010 by SimplyBeingLoved

[FreeNow]

You just can't throw any two people together and say chemistry/attraction doesn't matter, that any two random people can make it work. I just don't believe that.

 

And I didn't write that either.

 

Seems like everyone here thinks that Ann should be sentenced to this mistake for the very rest of her life. Too bad, so sad, you chose someone you don't really love, now suck it up and make it work. Is that what the majority of people here really think?

 

When children are involved that's what I darn well think! However, Ann has made her decision and she is asking about how to make things best (actually second best since she broke up the home) for her children. My input was that she would better serve them by:

1) Understanding that fairytale romance endings are myths.

2) Having a realistic plan for the children.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

And I didn't write that either.

 

 

 

When children are involved that's what I darn well think! However, Ann has made her decision and she is asking about how to make things best (actually second best since she broke up the home) for her children. My input was that she would better serve them by:

1) Understanding that fairytale romance endings are myths.

2) Having a realistic plan for the children.

 

Does it not promote a fairytale myth -- to the kids -- by having two parents stay together, who don't love each other?

 

Why should the parents stay together if they don't love each other? So that the kids can have a sense of security that is based on something that is ultimately false?

 

"I want you two to stay together so I can continue in my fantasy of one big happy family."

 

Is that not selfish of the kids?

[FreeNow]

Does it not promote a fairytale myth -- to the kids -- by having two parents stay together, who don't love each other?

 

Families stayed together for more generations on values other than contrived lifetime fuzzy feelings of love (as defined popularly present day). Interestingly, the children had a better chance of learning about what really makes a marriage work. You know, those pesky little details like fidelity, loyalty, respect, hard work, caring, etc.

 

Why should the parents stay together if they don't love each other? So that the kids can have a sense of security that is based on something that is ultimately false?

 

The real meat and potatoes of marriage aren't false. An expectation of perpetual chemical/romantic feelings of love borders on magical thinking and is a completely false expectation. It is perhaps one of the major causes of the increased divorce rate in our society.

 

There is very little to no security in divorce for children from a non-abusive environment.

 

"I want you two to stay together so I can continue in my fantasy of one big happy family."

 

Is that not selfish of the kids?

 

Allow me to rephrase your sentence to remove the false premise:

It would be best for the children if both parents remain married and focus on mutual respect, fidelity, caring, etc.

 

What do you mean "Is that not selfish of the kids?"?!? The husband and wife are the adults. It is their duty to serve the best interests of the children. Any parent that doesn't know that had better wake up and grow up!

 

Is divorce in situations like this not more selfish of a circumstance in which to voluntarily place the children?

 

 

ETA: This is becoming a thread jack. Back to Ann's question about the children.

Edited January 28, 2010 by FreeNow
ETA

[FeelingLonely98]

Freenow's 1st post is the best advice for you Ann. Like FloridaPad, I am also not sure what you are asking for.

 

You know that I think you never really gave your M a chance & that the A gave you the idea that your M was bad and that you wanted out.

I did eventually feel that you would never be able to put the effort into making the M work for both of you and I shared with you some of my thoughts on that as well.

 

However, your original post above has a disturbing tone to me. That Ann FINALLY has the STBXH in the mindset that the M is over. (whew) "No turning back now". "WE will HAVE to get the D now". A sense of relief almost comes thru your post. Like you are happy now -

So, now you will focus your efforts and attention on the kids. Good ...

Hopeless4U seems to know that the kids will be ok. There is no way to know how this will affect them. You and the STBXH have to expect that it will affect them. Read PWSX3's post. There are 100's, 1000's, ... of examples whereby children seem to be affected.

 

The best thing for you Ann is to REALLY get it about relationships. This one is over granted. Let me paste FreeNow's great quote again ... Think about it, understand it, let it sink in, ... until it does you will most likely be unfulfilled.

 

Until you realize that nobody is meant for another then you will likely live an emotionally messed up and unsatisfying life.

[ann09]

Ann

 

What are the childrens ages?

 

Gallon

 

 

12, 9 and 7

[2.50 a gallon]

Anne

 

I just reread your initial post to this thread and realized that I had missed that you were staying in the house.

 

What happened to you finding yourself a job and supporting yourself in your own place? And in this way finding out Who Anne really is and what Anne really wants out of life. This is your chance

 

Gallon

[FeelingLonely98]

Anne

 

I just reread your initial post to this thread and realized that I had missed that you were staying in the house.

 

What happened to you finding yourself a job and supporting yourself in your own place? And in this way finding out Who Anne really is and what Anne really wants out of life. This is your chance

 

Gallon

 

2.50 is right Ann. NOW is your chance. Discover what you really want. I think we all agree that a M to your current H is not what you want. Though we thought that with the right mindset you should have tried - but the mindset (and heart?) is not there.

 

I think we all admire you in a way in your situation by you having the courage and wisdom to discuss it here in this forum. Most posters are the BS looking for help.

 

Did you ever direct your H to this site? It would help him thru this as well. He may feel lost and without direction - even though, according to your posts, he is accepting of the imminent D.

 

Let us know where you are in your path. I believe your original post(s) were some of the most active in a long time. So many are interested in you Ann. (And concerned believe it or not)

[health]

So my husband and I have come to an agreement. After knowing I have cheated in the past - he doesn't want me and agrees that splitting is in both of our best interests. I have been painfully honest with him - knowing it's only fair that he knows everything. I haven't asked anything from him and told him I have no intention of making any of this difficult.

He doesn't want that either. He says he wants me to stay in the house with the kids - we will share custody etc. So all this should be very easy right? My concern is the kids and how theyre going to cope with this and telling my family - who are very old fashioned and this kind of thing just doesn't happen in my family (perception is everything). I'm scared. I am not scared for me - but I am scared for my kids. I have expressed this to my H and we talk about it a lot. But he doesn't want to stay together just for the sake of the kids. I just never thought my kids would come from a broken home.

I am not asking for criticism - I know how I have screwed up - but I also know my H and I are not meant to be together. He has accepted this and wants to move on with his life. I don't love him as a wife should and I believe he is feeling the exact same way these days. I am asking for advice from people with kids possibly my kids ages (12, 9 and 7). My H and I will live near eachother and love them so much that I know we can do this - but how?

 

The truth will always come out. You had an affair it came out. The kids will know. Everyone will know you had an affair in due time. You pick up one end of the stick you pick up the other. Face the consequences. That being said.

I hope you heal, and find out why you did this. All the best!

[ann09]

little by little, everyone is finding out about what I did. and I am not denying it - although it's the most difficult thing ever because I feel I am losing the respect of everyone in my life (understandably).

 

being honest and forthcoming isn't really "helping" me in everyway but it's forced me to take a good long hard look at myself and who I am. I still don't know who I am. Why I have done what I have. I am struggling greatly.

 

I will stay in this house only because my H and I are in agreement that we don't want to completely upset the kid's lives and he is not wanting to take on full responsibility as their sole caretaker. Not because he is a bad father, but because he is a true believer that they belong with me and he knows that I am a very good mother. At this stage, if he was wanting me out - I would have to accept that. I don't want my life to be perfect and take everything I can get from him. That's not my motive. I don't plan on being the evil ex-wife. I am the one that has wronged him - not the other way around.

 

Thank you for all your responses. Even though I am not on here all that much, I do come in from time to time and read each and every one of them. I appreciate everyone's candor with me and trust me, I am letting all of it sink in. I make no more excuses for myself. I have reread my old posts and all I see is a woman trying to portray herself as the victim....the old "whoa is me" crap. Done with that. I need no coddling or sympathy. I am not here for that. And if anyone can learn from my mistakes - or if anyone has been on the oppostie side of what I have done and can grasp a better understanding of how someone feels in my situation - I hope I have helped somewhat.

 

My H deserves a lot more than what I have given to him - I haven't respected him - or anyone for that matter. Mostly, I haven't respected myself. I plan to pick myself off - forgive myself for all past mistakes and lies, and move forward - hoping to make better decisions and maybe, just maybe, one day actually be proud of myself. That will be a good day. I am far from there at this moment.

[FreeNow]

I am losing the respect of everyone in my life (understandably).

being honest and forthcoming isn't really "helping" me in everyway but it's forced me to take a good long hard look at myself and who I am. I still don't know who I am. Why I have done what I have. I am struggling greatly.

I am the one that has wronged him - not the other way around.

I make no more excuses for myself. I have reread my old posts and all I see is a woman trying to portray herself as the victim....the old "whoa is me" crap. Done with that.

My H deserves a lot more than what I have given to him - I haven't respected him - or anyone for that matter. Mostly, I haven't respected myself.

 

There is light for you in your post. Keep working on it Ann. I really think you are getting down to the basics of the matter.

 

Believe it or not, this will not only help you as a person but will also help you as a mother to your children... especially as they grow towards adulthood.

[FeelingLonely98]

There is light for you in your post. Keep working on it Ann. I really think you are getting down to the basics of the matter. Believe it or not, this will not only help you as a person but will also help you as a mother to your children... especially as they grow towards adulthood.

 

And also in any future relationships you may have.