SuburbanOblivion Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 I am ready to scream or cry or something right now, I really need to vent.. My fiance is Irish and one of 6 kids, 3 girls 3 boys. One of his brothers, D, is a real sweet guy, responsible and all that. The other one, C...not so much. Fiance and his brother D both have a habit of enabling brother C to the point of absurdity. C suggests they go out, knowing he doesn't have money, so fiance and D end up paying for his drinks all night. Worse, they will hand C money to go buy the round of drinks, and C will pocket half of it, not bringing back the change, or buys himself cigarettes with it. They will then hand him money again a few hours later and he does the exact same thing. They don't demand he give back the change, fiance just says "well, he knows we won't invite him next time we go out", but eventually they do. C has stolen from my fiance on at least one occasion. The last time he confronted him about it, C denied it, and that was that, nothing further. Fiance has told me C has stolen from other family members as well. No one does anything about it. C has a fiance who is pregnant, and he cheats on her constantly. The most recent time was right before Christmas, he picked up a girl at a bar while the brothers were out, and fiance first lied to me about it because he knew I'd be mad if I'd I heard he'd stood by and done nothing while C did this. We nearly broke up over it. He says C will never change, so there is no use damaging his relationship with his brother over it. The whole family knows C screws around on her, but they feel it's between C and his fiance, no one else's business. C has also actively tried to talk my fiance into cheating on me because we are so far apart. Needless to say without ever having met this brother, I can't stand him. I can't stand the way he treats my fiance and the rest of their family, and I can't stand how they just sit back and take it. I have asked fiance why they don't tell him to grow up and deal with his own ****, and I get told he is family, and I don't understand because I am an only child. They are brothers, and you look after your brother. Well, today C is in court. He told everyone it was because he got behind in his child support because he's out of a job, but it turns out he lied, it was because he got in trouble for driving with no insurance, and got a month in jail and 4 years suspended license because this was his TENTH conviction. My first thought was good, maybe a month in jail will give him time to think about how he's living his life. Umm, no...Brother D is down there as we speak seeing if he can just pay the money C owes so C doesn't have to spend a month in jail, because C's fiance is pregnant, and C will lose his welfare money if he goes to jail. (She's due in May, so spending a month in jail will hurt them financially, but he won't miss the birth by a long shot.) I am beyond livid. For such smart people, why do C's family(and my fiance!) not understand that bailing him out every single time he gets himself in trouble will NOT help him in any way? The guy is like 26, 27 years old, he's not a stupid teenage kid who doesn't know better. Worse, he's an adult who has been taught his whole life that ****ing up doesn't matter since everyone will just bail you out and then wag their finger at you, with no real world consequences to anything. Please tell me one day they will wise up and tell him to grow the **** up and learn to be a man? I feel like I am constantly banging my head against the wall anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 To me, the more important question is how are their family dynamics and habits going to impact your marriage? How much marital resources (emotional, mental, financial and time/space) does your future husband plan to expend on problems OUTSIDE the marriage? What does your future husband think would be reasonable to offer in support of your future brother-in-law? What would he expect of you, as far as that is concerned? Have you had such a conversation with your fiance? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 It sounds like this family is extremely close knit. And thats all well and good. But it also sounds like they may see in-laws as outsiders, in which case your opinions will not be of concern even after the wedding. How is it possible that with a family so very obviously involved with each other...that you have not yet met the brother you have issue with? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuburbanOblivion Posted January 28, 2010 Author Share Posted January 28, 2010 To me, the more important question is how are their family dynamics and habits going to impact your marriage? How much marital resources (emotional, mental, financial and time/space) does your future husband plan to expend on problems OUTSIDE the marriage? What does your future husband think would be reasonable to offer in support of your future brother-in-law? What would he expect of you, as far as that is concerned? Have you had such a conversation with your fiance? It probably won't much, because my SO might spring for a few beers for him, but like today he wasn't offering to be the one to pay to keep him out of jail. C came to Denmark where SO used to live, and ran up a bunch of debt and I believe stole money from SO while he was there, so SO is a bit wary of giving him money himself, although he defends to the hilt anyone who does. I think at this point C knows not to ask SO. To the other user to asked, I haven't met this brother because SO usually comes to the States for visits and C was out of town when I was over there. I did meet his parents, brother, two of his sisters and his grandparents. And as an update, brother D did indeed pay to keep C out of jail today. I did my best to keep my lips zipped about it, SO already knows how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 I think you're letting this get to you too much. They only see it as protecting their family. Yes, hopefully, one day they'll all get sick of bailing him out of trouble but, until then, I wouldn't make too much of an issue about it. These are simply the family dynamics. All you can do is let your fiance know your opinion about it and then just leave it alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 Drama ! His behavior is Abominable and nobody thinks its that big of a deal. ( Of course you do ) . He is a waste case. I could not fathom enabling someone like that. My old friend from the past had a horrible husband. He fathered 3 kids with her but never worked. She had 2 of her own so they had 5 kids. He would go to the bar and drink all day and gamble on the video slots. Wrote bad checks and then he would drive home and tell her to cover them . He never worked but she did. She worked alot to put food on the table. She got in an accident and he spent 90 grand of her settlement. Just p__ it off on gambling and then they were broke again. His mom would coddle him ( Should I mention he was around 40 years old ) and his parents and brothers and sisters covered for him. His wife did too. Its NO MISTAKE that they do this. He found a sucking lemon to take from. They all give.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuburbanOblivion Posted January 28, 2010 Author Share Posted January 28, 2010 I was hoping someone would tell me he will eventually grow up, or they will eventually get sick of constantly covering his butt, but I guess that's probably not reality. Mary3, that sounds a lot like C, and his wife is just as much of an enabler as the rest of their family. Don't get me wrong, this isn't something that is much affecting my relationship with SO (other than the one time, which he deeply regrets) it's just my own personal frustration. I try not to say much, because there's really no point, but that leads me to needing to vent elsewhere about it, like here I appreciate the ears Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 SuburbanO it really is no mistake that he has all those enablers. Some kids are born with the notion that everyone needs to pay their bills, bail them out of jail, a sense of entitlement. They NEVER grow up. You know why ? Because they are eternal children and everyone allows them to be life sucking creatures who do this their entire lives. You have done all you can. Just try and live your life. ALWAYS let everyone know its NOT okay....always... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts