What does old flame want?

[sarah12]

I dated a guy over the summer (lasted a few months) and it didn't work out. I don't think either of us saw the other as long term potential - we were more like friends most of the time. Anyways, 4 months go by and we have minimal contact - maybe twice or so. Then he calls me up this holiday and we talk, it's a nice conversation, despite him telling me that he has dated 4 women since we broke up! I was quite shocked at that...that he could do that - date one after the other, and sometimes during. I know he wasn't dating anyone else while we were together.

 

Anyways, I'm just curious if he is interested in something or what. I don't want this guy back..he caused me troubles..he's good as a friend as long as you don't get close to him. Should I blow him off for dinner or take him up on the offer? I feel like I shouldn't take up the offer b/c I think that right now he thinks he's on a high with dating and I'm just a number to him. Why is he asking me out to dinner?!

 

Any feedback is welcome.

[mixedup1]

Well, tough to say. What kind of problems did he cause you? How intimate did it get...(not prying but it does play a factor) ...mostly friends.. could be he is just wanting to check you out again.

 

Could be he has nothing at the moment and he liked you then and now. What's wrong with just going out to dinner? It would be free.. interesting he told you he had dated 4 diff. women. Thats not like a turn on for you. Where are these 4 anyways? Maybe they had problems with him. ? But being a guy, you know how guys are...well, most of em. But he could be sincere about thewhole thing and may want to giver a whirl again? Hard to say, But guys are usually after one thing and you know what that could be. I don't mean to generalize the guys but we do think of sex rather frequently. Hollidays are a fun time but if you have no one to spend them with, gets a litte monotaneous.

 

Ya, I would go just to go and have fun. Go see what he wants, maybe there will be a spark this time? hehe maybe not...good luck there.

[sarah12]

I think he has insecurity problems with himself. I can't really describe it. He is a bit of a prude and is overly independent (priding himself of it), would attack my character when we hadn't been dating very long, saying hurtful things that he meant as a joke, and basically took me for granted very early on in the 'relationshihp'. He told me he is the type of guy that can easily 'get used to things'. So yeah, that is definitely something I do NOT want to go back to!

 

What's wrong with going out to dinner? Well, I have just a few days left here before I return to school. I'm thinking it may be a waste of time to spend a dinner with him since I know some of the resentful feelings may come back, and I may be bored of hearing him talk about these women he's been dating (they didn't work out).

 

You know, the more I think about it, the more I don't want to go. I don't want him back, I don't want sex with him, and I don't know if I want to be friends with a person like him! I think you're right about him being lonely for the holidays. He likes to be alone (the independence thing) but I think that's part of his insecurity..he doesn't have anyone so he convinces himself he is really independent and loves that.

[TLD911]

Sarah --

 

I don't know if you ended up going out with this guy again, but I would go, if nothing else for the sake of curiosity. Go to a very expensive restaurant. Order the most expensive thing on the menu. Ask him what's new. Then you can have the pleasure of saying "no" to a guy who obviously treated you pretty badly.

 

I say go for it.

 

TLD

[sarah12]

TLD - sounds like a fun idea!!

 

I think the guy needs a taste of his own nasty medecine. Although would it not be better to just blow him off from the beginning? That way he can't even get a date with me? I think it'll bug him even more. Oh just thinking about him makes me cringe! He was the one that actually broke things off with me, and cried while HE broke up with me! I was really getting sick of his behaviour, especially the way he was so patronizing. Ok, that's it, I'm not going!

[InLoKo]

I always think that getting your own back on someone is a very bad idea. What goes around, comes around. So he will get his come-uppance at some stage. But if you do something out of order to him, it will come back to you, too. If you're not interested in him, let him go and wish him well in your mind.

[sarah12]

inloko - you are right..I am being to mean. Thing is, I did let him go, but he came back. I think I will just tell him that I can't make it and leave it at that. When he calls me though, it's like he needs me. I don't know..I was thinking about it the other day, and I just don't see myself being friends with him in the long term.

[mr_roggger]

If he "needs" you, then he's not over you, and at a guess I'd say he's still looking for more than just a friendship.

[sarah12]

I think he needs my friendship..as for more than that..I'm not sure..maybe he just needs someone to brag to about his dating marathon..

 

Another guy I met recently has been contacting me a lot too..why is it that we always want what we can't have, and then when we don't want something, we can't get rid of it?! I just don't understand..

[InLoKo]

Funnily enough, I was only thinking about that today, when reading someone's question as to why no contact works. They do say you should treat the ones you want, exactly as if you don't want them and vice versa. I've never tried it as I hate game playing and far prefer honesty. But there is a guy at the moment who, no matter what I say or how indifferently I treat him on the phone, continually comes back. Frankly, I find it a turn-off. I wish he would give up. Oh, I do tell him and I avoid his calls and he goes away for a while but then comes back over and over, despite what I say. Years ago, when I was first with him, I would have done anything to make him chase me like this...but now the tables have turned and I really can't help how I feel. I simply am not interested. Ain't life strange?

[sarah12]

So I decided against going to dinner with this guy. I sent him an e-mail to his work because I had forgotten his work number. He wrote back saying he was "disappointed.........but i understand." He wished me well and told me not to forget calling him sometime...(???). In my e-mail to him I told him he should come visit my university town when he visits this girl he told me he was just getting to know (and wanting to date) at my school. I said we could have dinner or something if he was coming to visit her. He replied back saying there was no other girl, and so the only way he'd come to visit was if I invited him...(?????????)...that is sooo not going to happen. He sounded very 'desperate' in his e-mail..I mean I really don't know why. He initiated breaking things off and I agreed. Also, he prides himself on not having been rejected so when he broke things off with me, he thought I'd be extremely upset. He is a strange boy!

[InLoKo]

Are you sure you're not a little intrigued? The fact that you have even bothered to spend your time posting about him makes me wonder if perhaps you might quite like to have dinner with him. Plus, in your email, you did sort of invite him to dinner, despite saying on here that you didn't want to see him again. Are you flattered, even a little bit? If there's a possibility that anything I have said is true, why not go to dinner with him? He obviously wants to. You must have seen something in him in the first place. Just a thought.

[sarah12]

I am definitely not interested in dating him again. I invited him to dinner as a nice gesture since I turned down his offer. It would be only as platonic friends. Yes, I am intrigued as to what his intentions are, but in any case, I am definitely NOT interested in what he has to offer in terms of dating, if anything. I want to know what he might be thinking is all. I'm done with him though as far as dating goes.

 

As for what I saw in him - yes, I was attracted to his intelligence. But I soon discovered I wasn't attracted to much else.

[Grace]

Hi Sarah.

 

From past experience, I can tell you that this guy wants you back. That's why he called you. He wasn't just being friendly and he wasn't just being nice trying to see how you're doing. He's missing you. He dated four girls since you two have broken up (they were rebounds or for exploration purposes) but they were nothing serious and he was letting you know that. It's usually 3 to 4 months before a guy you dated and broke up with contacts the ex (when there is minimal contact like in your situation). He's missing you and is regretting the breakup. These other 4 girls obviously didn't compare to you (incredibly flattering isn't it). What kind of pain did he cause you? Was it that he pulled away and broke your heart or was there a lot of fighting during the relationship?

 

Anyway, this guy wants to try again and was (and still is) hoping you'll give it another try. You've invited him over for dinner, so there must be a small interest on your part. Maybe the space between you two was enough to make him change and want to work at rebuilding the relationship in a healthier way. Now his heart may be 100% into it where it wasn't before and he couldn't give you what you needed at the time. You'll never know until you sit down and talk to him. All I know is you hold the cards now. The decision will be entirely yours.

[sarah12]

What kind of pain did he cause you? Was it that he pulled away and broke your heart or was there a lot of fighting during the relationship?

 

He didn't break my heart, there was a lot of incompatability. He knew I was a great girl and I thought he was alright - we couldn't figure out why we got along so terribly. We had some miscommunication problems and sometimes he'd insult me without realizing it. It was a very strange relationship - something I definitely am not interested in getting back into. We didn't date very long - just a few months. And yes, the 4 girls he's dated probably didn't satisfy him, but, I think he has a lot of learning to do about himself and other people.

 

To go to dinner with him would be out of curiosity to what he wants, but it would be purely platonic. I cannot stress anymore that I definitely do not want to go back to him! It's one of those things where you came out realizing you're better off without him in your life, and realizing that you ARE better than him (despite him always thinking otherwise).

 

Grace - what was your experience like?

[Grace]

Hi Sarah.

 

It was a guy who I dated for 9 mos. We spent practically every day together....but of course always took time to hang with our friends. It was (what I thought) a relationship that was really growing. I had never been happier. Then in Sept, just when he and I were the closest we'd ever been, he started picking stupid little nothing fights with me. I didn't understand. Then one day he just got really snippy with me on our way to a party. I stood up to him and he just blurted out "It's not working. We aren't compatable and have nothing in common. You drive in the left lane, you're always late, I feel I have to call you everyday"...and other stupid excuses. I thought it was another woman, but it turned out there was no other woman. Then he finally said, he was in a selfish phase and needed to focus on himself and his new career. He said he was depressed and didn't have it to give me...and that he just needed space to be alone and figure himself out...but we could be friends.

 

Anyway, at first he didn't want to fully breakup, just put me on a back burner and see me only once a week and call me every 3 -4 days. He said he didn't want either of us to see anyone else, except for each other. I put up with that for about 3 weeks and then I finally broke it off...for my sanity. He then said it was for the best.

 

Well 3 weeks ago he emailed me on my b-day after 2-1/2 mos of no contact, and he told me a bit what he was up to. I responded back and told him what I was up to. I was hoping he maybe wanted to start contact with me again...but he hasn't emailed or even called since. I'm trying to move on, but I really miss him. I can't wait until I get to the point where you are. I just don't want to care or think about him anymore. I really need to move on.

[sarah12]

Well, it looks like you shared a lot more with this guy than I did with that ex. We didn't date that long and I suspect that could be why he wanted to head down that road again..I got over him quickly though..at the time..I got busy with school again and didn't have time to even think about him, and I thought, if he's not contacting me, not thinking about me, then why should I care?

 

I know what you mean by wanting to get to this point.. I am in another situation with another more recent ex right now so I understand how you feel! Except in our case, there was no excuse..it's just bad timing...so its hard knowing you are totally compatible, if only it was the right time, things would be so great. The only thing I do to keep myself sane is to keep myself busy and to go out and try and have some fun. I still don't want to date anyone at all..I am so turned off by the idea of dating right now! But I still go out with friends a lot and it really helps to get my mind off things. I mean, I still think about him alot, everyday, but it gets your mind off things temporarily..and over time..the temporary will become permanent hopefully..

[mandrews1119]

Hello Grace,

I was reading your reply to Sarah, and I was astonished by your insight into a guy who honestly made changes and wants to reunite? Do you know me? That is exactly my situation, and I am talking about a ltr. Right now I have taken counseling (over 1 yr.), and made changes to be the best person I can and to be understanding of her point of view. The issues between us will be finally solved this spring-summer when I return to my home city (where she lives). We were in touch until Thanksgiving when she chaged her numbers and enforced NO CONTACT. We had been talking about how to reconcile, and if it were a good idea, when the fear and pain became too much, I believe. Yes, it was easy to state the I love yous (unnecessary but we did) and reflect, but right now the 1000 mile difference and her friends, family, and possibly new religious influences are a factor as well. I am respecting the no contact (and am weaning away from even letters) rule cause I know she obviously needs more healing time and space. I wish she were able to read your post. Thank you for letting me know there are at least some women who understand that men CAN change, especially when they want to.

[dlb311]

I hate to say it but the way you are describing this guy reminds me of this guy I kind was talking to we hung out a few times. In the beginning he was way sweet and then he started saying I was clingy which I wasn't he lives in Rancho Cucamongo that is a distance from where I live and so I couldn't see him often anyway. then he started iming at work and was just rude but sarcastic so didn't know how to take things. Wel I finaly spoke up and he told him he thinks I like him more then he likes me. I knew I was better off because he couldn't stop reflecting on his ex. He was like I am a mess I am scared to get close to someone and get hurt again. But I think his ex left because he was a total jerk. He is hot and sexy and the rough looking type guy but I no longer could just let him treat me like he was way better then me. He barely even knew me. So whatever.... I wonder if its the same guy does his name start with a C? just wondering.

 

And now my ex of 2 years called me and asked me out to dinner and a movie this week. I said yes but still unsure. I don't want to get hurt again and I am not even sure I would want him back. He didn't say he wanted to get back with me but why now. We have been broken up for 5 months now. And we tried being friends and I just couldn't then he e-mailed me and I didn't respond and then he texted me over the holidays and I never replied. Then he called yesterday. we talked for hours. just friendly but caught each other up on each others lives. Not sure what hes intentions are? Anyway one have an idea? I am confused...... We already went to dinner after we broke up but we were nice to each other and had a good dinner but I still wanted him back and he said he needed to do his own thing for now.

 

Now I just dont know if he deserves to have me in his life?

[Grace]

Hi mandrews1119.

 

Were you the one that pulled away from her and now want to start the contact again?

[sarah12]

dlb311 - you have described the same type of guy! No it is not the same guy

However, same personalities..especially the rude and sarcastic part! It is definitely not somethign I want to go back to.

 

 

As for your ex - so the no contact thing worked? Do you want him back?

[dlb311]

I am not sure, I do but I don't. He was the one the one I had no doubts about the one I didn't want to change anything about. We were so in love. We started planning out life together and when the plans started to come a reality for him he got way scared and bailed on me. I am not sure I can trust him again. But I know people make mistakes and maybe he has decided he made a mistake and wants to try to work this out. I am not sure.

I think that the no contact thing definitly works. Because if lets them see if they really miss you and want you in their lives. I don't know what he wants with me. But I am taking the chance and seeing. If its not what I want or can handle I wont hang out again. But yes just break off contact. Don't say you are just do it. Just dont return his phone calls, e-mails, texted or if he imes you. Just don't. He will get it then he will take time away from you and then you can see if he really misses you. I know he misses me. But does he have it in him to work this out? I don't know and don't know if I can. I am enjoying being single and going out with my friends. I definitly would not want to be at home watching movies with him again for a long time. I just realized I am young but if he wants to work things out and try and go out and have a good time with me I will see if I can give him that chance. I will let you know how it goes.

 

I guess they aren't the same guy but sure is crazy how to guys can be such jerks to a girl. First the is not how you wow or court a girl into liking you.

Well just keep your distance it will come clear. Its only been about 5 months since we broke up and he called me after I didn't not respond to his e-mail or his texted message.

[Grace]

Hi Sarah and dlb311.

 

I've been doing that too. It's so nice to know there are other people out there going through the same thing I am. I know a lot of people do, but it's nice to listen and talk to people who are going through it. I need as much support as I can get.

 

I've been doing the "no contact" thing for 3 mos. now. I have to be honest when I say it's absolutely killing me, but I refuse to give in. He and I got very close (we went through death together) and 2 weeks later he really pulled away. We got closer than any relationship he'd ever been in. He then decided he didn't want to fully pull away at first (like I said in my other posting) but I couldn't let him put me on a back burner after having been on the front burner, and let him run the relationship on his terms. He was only calling and seeing me once a week at that point (and I know for a fact there was no other woman). I respected myself way too much and didn't want to be deprived after seeing him all the time and talking to him everyday.

 

When he emailed me for the first time 3 weeks ago on my birthday (after about 2-1/2 mos. of "no contact") he sent me a very nice, cordial email and also let me know what he'd been up to and that he'd been sick. I emailed him back a very nice cordial email letting him know my career had taken off and I wished him well too. He sent a very simple email back basically saying he was happy for me and to wish my family well. Do you think this was a start for him (start of the communication) or do you think that he was just being nice? I haven't heard from him since. I still won't call him and in my email back I never reference anything about us getting together for coffee or anything. I figured, he's the one who really wanted to pull back, he should be the one to pursue. If he can't give me what I want, then I'm just going to have to cry and cry until I get over it.

[Grace]

Sarah and dbl.

 

What I meant to say above "We went through A death together". It didn't sound right the other way.

[mandrews1119]

Dear Grace,

Hello, how are you? No, I was not the one to break off contact, she was. I was just the idiot who pushed her to it. There are a lot of underlying circumstances, as there will be when there is a LTR (over 10 yrs.) and if you want more in detail, just message me. To keep it short, because of a child I fathered from a relationship I had when we were apart, I had to move to another state to co-parent. The child's mother then took it upon herself to try every underhanded way to cause discord between my s/o and me, from lies, to phone messages, to assaulting me, and damaging my auto and home. The list would make a horror movie. My love and I maintained our relationship well for long distance, even trading weekend and holiday visits regularly. She feels that I may get stuck in this cycle but that is not true. The lies and games have long since run their course, and all the guilt trips, co-parenting games from her and outright meaness (while hiding behind my child, who is handicapped) have taken their toll and course. This woman is angry because I have always been honest and upfront with her that I loved my s/o, and that having a child was not going to trap me into a relationship I didn't want to be in with her. I am a dutiful parent and would not leave her with the burden of parenting alone - but not to the point of being trapped or abused. I will always be my son's father, and a good one by anyone's standards, I assure you. I will remain in his life and always, always be there for him, and try to be as decent as I can with his mom.

 

I think my s/o was afraid with the long distance (which is going to end this spring/summer when I move back home) and other factors, the strain was too much. She has also been influenced by the well-meaning friends, family, etc. We haven't spoken since Thanksgiving, and I am weaning away from sending letters, at this point she knows how I feel and that I want nothing more than for us to reconcile, marry and move on together. She has stated that she still wants this too, but is afraid I could leave her at some point for my son's mother. Not the case, I assure you.! Her fear is bolstered by the fact that her relationship just before she and I had a similar mess, and the guy left her (which I did not, mind you) and married the "other woman". So I understand her fears and want nothing more than to help her work through hers, and mine as well. I have been in counseling and therapy to examine my fears, patterns of thought and how to be a better me, so that I can be the best I can be for the relationship. there is no question from either of us about our love, we hopefully have to and can get past these rough spots and on with life together. She has seriously enforced no contact, and other than to let her know how I feel, I have and will respect that. I just hope SHE realizes how I feel, and that people can and do change. All you need is a reason, and she is mine. I hope that once I am closer and if we can work on some things, we will be able to re-establish ourselves. I want it to hapeen yesterday in my heart, but I am willing to take whatever time, caring, and whatever else she needs to feel comfortable and prove to her that we can. sometimes crazy things happen in life, but I believe things can be overcome if both parties are willing to try. She has stated that she knows we could get back together and be married, but there is that fear. I have learned to get over my fears, i hope I can help her (and "us") get over our united fears together. I think she bailed so as not to have a repeat of her prior relationship. It has been hard on us both. I am not a recluse, and I am not seriously dating or leading anyone on, I'm a bit too old to still be playing games. My relationship with my son's mother is strictly co-parenting, despite her stated desire to ruin things for me any way she can. I explain to any lady who seems interested that I am going through a serious life situation, and I thank them for their understanding. Real people will usually understand and respect you for such honesty. I have laughed to myself (when I can) that perhaps SHE instituted "no contact" to see where I am coming from, and accelerate my return home! In turth, I think she has to also do some healing ( I know I have), and contact is as painful as it is good. I think she needs the time and space to make her mind up as to whether or not we(by her lights) can make life work. I can only try to let her know "we can", and be patient. It warms my heart when I read from women who have learned that some of us men do grow, change for the better, and mature! So often it is "the leopard can never change his spots". Mine have been changed for quite some time, love and age will do that. Each day I miss and love her more. If she can bring herself to ever deciding to take another chance with us, I'm sure she will be happier than we ever were. I believe there is a power and strength that comes from reuniting and bonding anew. Call me a hopeless romantic if you will, but I DO believe in the power of love. Thanks for asking, I hope I didn't bend your ears too much!! Keep the faith!