How can there be so much hate

[Brooke79]

This site has been so helpful, thanks guys for all your support. I can't believe I was naïve enough to think my husband wasn't cheating, thanks to you guys giving me the classic signs info, more and more have turned up. I was hurting before because I thought it was indifference or something or I'd done and but now the truth is glaring me in the face. He came home late last night/this morning and he is in such a good mood. I guess being able to do what he wanted last night put him in a good mood. Another sign, I learned about, but the kicker is, he doesn't have his ring on! I never paid that any attention, I feel so naïve and dumb now because there is no telling how long he has been without it. And now since getting home at 4 am he is affectionate, and is talking to me all of a sudden, I'm guessing OW cured his blues, at least for now. I haven't said a word, because arguing won't do any good. Trust me guys I am leaving, May at the latest when my daughter gets out of school.

[Angel1111]

Trust me guys I am leaving, May at the latest when my daughter gets out of school.

 

HE needs to leave, not you! And SOON. Let him figure out where he can go but he needs to get out of there. This behavior is completely insulting and disrespectful to you and there's no reason why you should put up with it. You can probably afford that house once you're divorced from him and he's paying child support. Even if you can't, that issue can be worked out later - he still has to help with expenses. Please do not uproot your children, and please don't uproot YOUR life when he's the one who has chosen this behavior.

 

It's a simple and non-argumentative conversation: "I know you're cheating on me. At the very least you have no respect or concern for me so I want you to leave. If you think I'm stupid enough to tolerate this kind of treatment, you underestimate me. You have 2 weeks to figure out where you're going to go."

Edited January 31, 2010 by Angel1111

[Butterflair]

Please don't wait until May, as Angel said, tell him to leave and soon. Do not remove the children from the home, remove him. If you wait, other excuses will come up and other reasons for you to stay. I've been there before too.

[Brooke79]

I will have to leave because he won't I have asked him to. He watches the kids at night, so if I force him out and do the whole court ordered thing I don't think that will work in my favor. He will not watch the kids I know if I do all of that. The reason I plan to leave is because my parents live an hour away and I will need them for child care. He refuses to leave so he can keep and maintain the house while it is on the market. I can not wait to leave and get my respect back.I have read a lot of you guys' story and I see some of you moving on and that is so inspirational, I also read others and see that I am not in the trenches alone and that's comforting.

 

Side bar he is trying to be overly affectionate now and although I can hide anger a little I can't stomach that. He keeps saying you have been complaining about no affection and look how you act when I give it. I guess he is in the fog and I guess it makes sense to him, to go from not speaking to me and when I try to talk to him, him yelling at me and acting like I am dirt to him and then no talking for 3 days and then he stays out all night, we still haven't talked and he wants to try to kiss and cuddle, we haven't kissed at all this year, I can not even talk to him when he is asking what's wrong because I just can't argue anymore or get argued out.

[alphamale]

Everytime I come to a good point like working on myself and living for my kids, I interact with him and he is so cold and hostile towards me and even though I should just hate him, I don't, I still love him so it hurts like hell.

you should seriously consider seperation and divorce

[Angel1111]

I will have to leave because he won't I have asked him to. He watches the kids at night, so if I force him out and do the whole court ordered thing I don't think that will work in my favor.

 

I forgot that you work at night. Well, you know what's best for you. Are your children school age? If so, how will you work out school if you're an hour away from there?

 

I think you're on the right track - you're going to need to do something soon. Man, the timing is just horrible, isn't it? I just can't imagine a man acting like this while his wife is pregnant. Unbelievable.

[FeelingLonely98]

HE needs to leave, not you! And SOON.

 

I AGREE !!!!!!!!! Please consider this NOW Brooke. Trust us - we've been there. Make HIM leave. NOW.

[Brooke79]

I try to be strong, but I realize I won't do things perfectly, so with that said here are my mistakes that I know I made. As I stated in earlier post my husband over detailed his saturday plans. The strange thing is is that we were not even speaking, but he sent a pic of his brothers new F150 truck and just said he wanted one. Then he followed up unprompted mind you that, they were driving to Atlanta, he would visit friends and then they were going to a bar. But is was very detailed, something triggered me and I looked at the pic and realized it wasn't taken that day or at his brother's house. So first mistake, I did a drive by, (of the brother's house). All cars present and accounted for at his home. I didn't say anything because at this point I am just stacking evidence as if I need more, but I don't know like I said it was kind of a mistake. Now as I also said my h has been attempting to be super affectionate and like I said it was hard to be receptive and fake that so he starts complaining about it. Last night (another mistake) I was relaxing in the tub and he came in and just wanted to talk, about a house that we almost bought and investing and mortgages. Now I know he is a liar so why bother...but anyway I ask who drove to Atlanta your brother? To which he reponds YES! So I continue to bait him and he goes on and on about how his brother was happy to drive his car and how much pride he had showing it off. Mind you as I stated the truck was parked at his brothers house Saturday night, and my husband didn't come until 4 am. I still don't want to talk but it is so hard to mask my frustration. So he kept asking me what was wrong and I just blurted it out, I can't stand liars. Now I know I should have refrained from even talking to him, but he insisted we talk and spew lies saying yes he brother drove and left, why? Why would they drive separate cars? Why would you agree that he drove, when that implies that he drove and you didn't. He even said in the text that it was his brotherk's idea of going to the bar. But now the story changes, he drove and I drove too and he didn't go to the bar. I consider omission of facts a form of lying or deceit at the least, why? And trust me guys now I know I am beating my head against a rock trying to get the truth out of this guy, it only pisses me off, no impact on him. So there you have it my mistakes. Of course it all ended with me being called an interrogator and I am pushing him blah, blah, blah. You are lying but its my fault we can't be happy, because I won't just go along with your lies...deferrence and the blame game (SMH) in disbelief of how ridiculous all this is. I know I am wrong for engaging...

[skywriter]

Hi Brooke,

 

I've been trying to read through all your post here. Just wanted to say from what I've read, you are handling yourself very well, given what you're are going through and pregnant as well.

 

I've been through this and I wasn't pregnant, so my hats off to you lady.

 

It's amazing what we can do when we just have to.

Reading how your husband is putting you through the emotional ringer, man, it just hurts my heart for you. My ex-H tried to emotionally break me down. He wanted me to take our kids and leave. Didn't happen.

 

I kept the house, custody, of the kids, and eventually, he got tired of trying to break me and he left, signed over everything to me.

 

I am in awe of your strength Brooke. Just hold on, all that you are experiencing, now, will turn in your favor. It's gonna get better. ((Hugs))

[Angel1111]

I don't think you did anything wrong, Brooke. This stuff needs to be talked about and this Mexican stand-off between the two of you just isn't working. It isn't getting either of you anywhere. But if he continues to deny, then that does leave you nowhere. I wouldn't have been able to sit there and pretend, either. Everything you've done is totally understandable.

 

I think it was very wise of you to drive by his brother's house because, that way, you know for a fact what was true and what was not. Please stop taking the blame for wanting and trying to get answers.

[stillafool]

Hi Brooke, so sorry for your problems. It sounds like your h is cheating and trying to gas light you. Don't fall for his affections. He is on a high because he got to spend "quality time" (sex) with his OW and is relieved right now. When he gets horny again he will start acting like a jerk again. Don't let him touch you. There's no telling what he has been doing and with who. You have to protect yourself and your baby. I wouldn't even talk to him if I were you. You will only upset yourself by continuing to look for proof of his cheating. You will drive yourself crazy. He is definitely cheating just no that and spend your efforts and energy trying to get the hell out of there. I have to agree with other posters that he should really be the one leaving the house.

[Brooke79]

Thanks for the support guys. I know it is a mistake to even engage in conversation with him. And I realize I don't need to focus on investigating because the truth has already been discovered. But I just want this all on record when I do leave that's why I feel I have to let him know that I know. I live 30 min away from my job and an hour away from my family. I need their help with the kids so that's why I am leaving because driving 2 hours for drop offs and pick ups daily will be too much, so when my daughter is out of school I will leave and register her and my youngest in my hometown. Funny how when I left as a teen I said I was never going back (its really small) but now that I have kids I don't mind. I can't stay forever though so it will pain me to know that I will uproot them once again probably in about 3 years but hey it could be worse, I am thankful for being able to go home to family.