Do I really want out?

[Integritylost]

As I titled this thread, there is no one to blame but myself. That said, I'd like to lay it all out there for some feedback. I'll be brief...Time line goes this way.

 

Dated my wife for about a year. She is 3.5 years older. I was away from home young, bored and lonely (horney?). We had a pretty decent dating life but I was young and just naive about life in general. During the courtship we never had sex as it was not the Christian thing to do. She always told me she was a virgin but I found it hard to believe since she was at the time 23 or 24, I later found out that wasn't the truth. I didn't smoke nor would I have dated a woman that did, which I found out that she did that as well. (did I say I was naive?) Point of this is that in the beginning there was a bit of deception so things didn't exactly start off on the right foot.

 

After the year of dating, I decided to move back home which was half way across the country. We kept the relationship going via phone during which time I made up for the lack of sexual fulfillment with various women.

Offense #1 on me.

 

Six months into the LD relationship, she decided that she needed to come visit and that we need to either become engaged or break it off. <Sigh> I relented and she came down, we got engaged - I continued to sow my oats. Six months later after much internal anguish and questioning my decision I went through with it. Why? Because my parents thought it was great! Blabbing about having grandchildren, the whole deal....arghh. Ultimately it was my thought that she really loved me and it would be unlikely to find another woman that would love me to that extent. It was logical, Right?

 

Went to great lengths to provide a nice honeymoon, one that any woman would be thrilled with, turned out to be four days and nights of hell and NO SEX!!! Lots of crying on her part. I was beginning to have misgivings.

 

Now I don't really want to paint a horrible picture of my wife, but in the beginning things were very miserable. Same story as you read time and again from people; domineering wife, wussy husband. Because I believe in fulfilling one's obligations I kept trudging along hoping things would improve. We had some good times (on her terms) and plenty of not so good times. The first two or three years were tolerable but cost me many friends and eliminated all of my past times and hobbies. It's hard on a fella in his early 20's to go as long as three months with no sex! Yes, I kept track.

 

During the first 5 years, she was fast tracking in her career, did a lot of great things. She traveled (never inviting me) a couple of times a year for trips she'd earn for a job well done. About year four during her trip I fell prey to a much older woman and had a couple of great nights with her. Thats Offense #2

 

Keep in mind, this whole time, I'm consumed with the notion of getting out of this but too scared and cowardly to do so. One thing I was resolute in was the idea that a couple needed to get past that seven year mark at which time I'd agree to have a child. We did. Things did not get better.

 

Fast forward:

Year 11 = second child

Year 11.9 = third child

Sex was more frequent but relationship just as awkward. ZERO passion.

She and I are exact opposites as one traditionally expects. I'm the one that like and love foreplay and intimacy...she's a wham bam thank you maam sort of gal. 'Get on and get off' That just ain't no fun!

 

Fast forward to now:

Year 20: Great family unit, very adjusted and loved children. An apparently happy home. Wife is the model homemaker, employee, devoted to her faith and church---Every man's dream? Oh, four other 'encounters' on my part OFFENSE #3 #4 #5 #6 (none of which she knows about)

 

Sorry for the long winded preface....

Here's the deal...I don't, nor have I ever questioned my wife's love and resolve in our marriage. Of her own admission, she has acknowledged her part in my unhappiness and that she made the first 12 or 13 years of our marriage unbearable. Over the past five years we've been through marriage counseling twice with little or no effect in improving my attitude towards her or the marriage. I earnestly desire to maintain the family unit and even find that desire for my wife. She is who she is, there is no changing it. Actually, there really isn't a need to change her at all. It's me that has to change to suit her but I'm not a bad guy at all. I am a very devoted man in whatever I do be it work, friends, family etc. I'm very involved with my children and try to interact with my wife but things just don't click...

Nothing scares me more than to think of splitting the family up but when I think about all that I've done outside of our vows I hate myself (don't pity me, I don't deserve it). At the same time, I have to wonder if ten more years from now we look at each other and say why'd we wait? We have for the past year grown further and further apart, we've discussed separation but can't seem to pull the trigger. Perhaps for fear of hurting the children, who knows...I know, I'd be fine without her and the kids would always have ample amounts of time with me. Isn't it the right thing to allow her to be loved and cherished the way we all desire? The closer this thing looms the more my heart hurts, it hurts for her, my kids but not myself. I even went back to counseling recently and even the therapist is baffled how we ever got together and can see the disconnect. We're like two magnets repelling one another when we're in public. I never have a good time with her unless its just the two of us and even that is rare. Wow, this really is tough...I'm a pretty smart guy but this is just blowing my mind. I've never been so lost.

 

I realize that was about the most incoherent and rambling letter but if anyone can pick through the muck, I'd really like to hear what you have to say.

[Angel1111]

It seems that you're more of the type that just does what someone else wants him to do, without a lot of forethought as to how it's going to affect you, or them, in the long run. Like a boat drifting aimlessly in the ocean, letting yourself get tossed in this direction, and then that direction. I think the reason you're still in your marriage is the same reason you got into it - you let others make decisions for you. It's the same reason you agreed to have kids, and probably the same reason you cheated. There may be a part of you that wants out of the marriage but the biggest part of you doesn't like to make decisions, and you probably like the fact that she makes them for you. And now you're probably hoping that she'll make the decision to end the marriage so that you can drift with that tide, also. Basically, you tend to make decisions by not making them. And this is the result of that.

 

If you do leave this marriage, you'll probably fall into a very similar relationship if you don't figure out how to stop doing these things.

[pastxmas]

i know how this feels. I have a long history of being told what to do. I have never initiated a breakup even once. I was dumped in every relationship, including my current marriage.

 

For people like us, it's hard to let go. Ultimately, even though it hurts, it appears to be the best thing one can do when a marriage isn't working. As Angel put it, the cycle will continue if you don't do something to break it.

 

Sometimes it hurts more to hang onto a relationship than to let go. When you get to the point where it hurts more to stay than to go, then it is time to go. The mystery is often knowing when that point has been crossed. Then it's time to act or accept our fate. It's ultimately our own choice.

[Angel1111]

Well, the silver lining to this cloud is that you ended up with a wife, home and children. I guess things could be worse.

[floridapad]

I'm not a bad guy at all. I am a very devoted man in whatever I do be it work, friends, family etc. .

 

 

Let me start by saying, I apologize if some of my response is a bit coarse but I hope that doesn't mean you discount it. I am not normally like this.

 

Are you a complete Ahole. You say you are a devoted man yet you commit adultery repeatedly. Do you not get the contradiction there? It IS all about you isn't it. You don't have to change to suit your W, you NEED to change to better yourself as a man. You are being a complete coward. You are solely focusing on desire, passion and sex because you feel it is missing. Well, sure as sh*t if you were to leave your W and go off with one of your whore affair partners, you would be missing the family and TRUE love of a mature wife who has stuck by your side, looked at herself, accepted her part in the relationship, and is still a loving person.

 

Don't you know that you can have the best passion, sex, desire, in the world with someone, but as time progresses that diminishes and the relationship becomes more about true love, compassion, caring, COMMITTMENT, ACCEPTANCE. Thats where LOVE comes into play.

 

Don't change yourself for your wife. Change yourself for YOU and stop being a coward by cheating on your W. Go to individual counseling and look at YOURSELF and not at your perception that your W doesn't do it for you. If you go through life looking to others to do it for you, you will surely be one F'd up individual and ANY relationship you get in will end up the same, regardless of initial sexual compatibility.

 

Dude. Don't give up on yourself here. You have a good thing going and you don't even realize it. Tell your W about the affairs, stop being a coward and let her make the decisions that you can't seem to make. Pussy....

 

Yes, this is the harshest response I have ever posted, because the only thing worse than a man groveling to a W who cheated on him, is a man who is a complete coward by cheating on HIS W multiple times, continues to cake eat his W and looks to others to solve HIS issues.

[Butterflair]

I have to sort of agree with the poster above me. Being the wife of man that didn't want to leave the marriage yet wasn't happy and had affairs, I can tell you how I wish my H would have handled things. I ended a 32 year marriage two months ago, hardest thing I had to do.

 

I wish he had been man enough to be honest about his unhappiness, to have given us a chance to work on the marriage before looking elsewhere. When he fell in love with someone else I wish he would have left the marriage on his own to seek what he wanted rather than try to have both. He didn't, he denied and acted like I was crazy to even suspect anything, that everything was fine. He let me find out on my own what was the truth, then I had to end the marriage and I have to bear the responsibility of everything while he is now living with his girlfriend.

 

You can't force her to change, you can only change yourself. If you can't live in your situation even with making changes to yourself then you have some hard decisions to make. Go to counciling on your own, stop cheating until you decide what you want. Your children will be fine and will respect you more if you are honest about how you feel and what you want. The honesty gives them something firm to stand on. They probably already know there are problems, kids are very perceptive.

Isn't it the right thing to allow her to be loved and cherished the way we all desire?

Is she really loved the way she deserves? Be honest, if not then yes she deserves that chance as much as you. Separations don't have to be forever but it sounds like you both need one.

 

Good luck with your decision.

[2sure]

Obliged, fell prey to, relented, etc etc etc. Wow. Way to man up.

At this point, why not tell your wife a little about yourself? And the part you have actively played in this marriage. You cannot continue to expect other people to take the lead for you and make all the decisions so that you do not have to hold yourself responsible for them.

 

Tell your wife about all of the infidelities so that she can make life decisions for herself, the children, and you within the realm of reality.

How about that?

[Integritylost]

Wow, as much as I'd like to say the contrary on this one, everyone is pretty much on the mark with their observations. I think there are some exceptions though that I'd like express not to defend but to understand...

 

First of all, I've always been extremely vocal with my wife regarding my feelings about the state of our relationship. I do communicate rather well.

 

Second, I operate and lead a pretty sizable medical company. I know how to direct and make decisions. It's affairs of the heart that really wussify me.

 

Third, all of those other encounters (Affairs) were either short term, or terminated by me. I'm really not the push over and as easily manipulated as it sounds, I'm pretty strong willed. I've just always lived my life by what the social mores dictate, ie., get married, have kids, etc....

 

Floridapad's response really summed it up. My question, is it concern for her feelings and not wanting to hurt her or just fear on my part. Thats intended to be rhetorical as I'm the only one that can answer it.

 

What none of you can know by my initial post is the depth of our conversations as of late.

For the last week, she and I have communicated on levels that we've not seen in many years, if at all. It's sad it takes this to open the lines of communication.

We agree that neither of us has EVER really felt loved or fulfilled.

 

Please understand, (I'm not placing myself above anyone else) we are both professional, educated, polished business people. Our joint decisions have always been well thought out as if writing a pro forma for a business. I guess what I'm trying to illustrate without the appearance of self absolution, is that she and I are both aware of the issues here. I've been open about questioning my feelings or absence of feeling for her. She says that she loves me, that I believe without question. We are very considerate to one another. Even through this past week, we've been very thoughtful with respect to our feelings. It's just not clicking for us and we're both quite tired of feeling lonely. We've decided that a trial separation is in order.

 

The ultimate question is am I just delusional? Should I continue on in this relationship thinking it will improve? She says she loves me but HOW?

How or why would a woman love a man that doesn't love her back? I only gave a past history to illustrate where I've been relative to the marriage and as a measure of things. I honestly want to make myself want her. To sincerely look her in the eyes and say 'there is none other for me' but that just hasn't happened.

[Butterflair]

I think you already know what your decision is, you just have to take a deep breath and do it. It sounds like you are in a marriage of comfort, it's routine, you're used to it. It's very hard to make that step and end a marriage. My ex and I said "I love you" every day. I do love him but I also love him enough to let go and give him a chance to be happy. It sounds like you are going through the same kind of thing my H was and I have no other word for it then a mid life crisis. You have 20 years invested in this marriage, I had 32.

 

It's fear of the unknown and fear of hurting her. Would staying with her and continue to have affairs hurt her more? Probably if she found out. She would feel hurt, betrayed and used. If you have decided that a trial separation is what you both want then you should do it. It might clarify what you both really want.

[floridapad]

First of all, I've always been extremely vocal with my wife regarding my feelings about the state of our relationship. I do communicate rather well.

 

Great to hear you're a good communicator with your wife. When are you going to start communicating honestly with yourself (which by the way you don't seem to be doing based on your posts)

 

.

Second, I operate and lead a pretty sizable medical company. I know how to direct and make decisions. It's affairs of the heart that really wussify me..

 

Affairs of the heart as you call it, is completely irrelevant to the heart but rather to passion and desire, which by the way is all chemical based ( not heart based).

 

.

Third, all of those other encounters (Affairs) were either short term, or terminated by me. I'm really not the push over and as easily manipulated as it sounds, I'm pretty strong willed. I've just always lived my life by what the social mores dictate, ie., get married, have kids, etc....

.

 

 

They were encounters never the less. We'll call them "multiple transgressions" in Tiger Woods venacular. If you blame these multiple transgressions on your W not giving you the hots, or relent and say you are a wussy, then down the road you will be in big trouble, regardless of the situation you are in. Hell do you think I didn't want to go out and get with the women that made passes at me. Heck yeah I did, but I didn't do it because I never allowed myself to cross the line.

 

 

.

What none of you can know by my initial post is the depth of our conversations as of late.

For the last week, she and I have communicated on levels that we've not seen in many years, if at all. It's sad it takes this to open the lines of communication. .

 

Ahh..Now your getting to the cornerstone of a loving relationship. Communication. Not just communicating YOUR issues, but listening to hers (actually listening, not fixing countering but listening), AND letting her know what you respect about her, which by the way you haven't shed light on yet. I know you are not "in lust" with her but what do you love about her as a person.

 

.

 

We agree that neither of us has EVER really felt loved or fulfilled.

.

 

Here I ago again being an ahole. Sorry. You both never felt loved because IMHO, you both got caught up in your careers, children, the family, keeping up with the Joneses and forgot about the marriage and love. It's a common thing in LT relationships with children. Dude. You made it to the isle with her. You said "I do". All because your parents liked the idea? Be honest. Do you give your parents THAT much credit or did you have a little "something" there for your W.

 

Now you want to sow your wild oats (I get it) because you have been in a relationship for so long and miss the passion and desire and those affairs were...well....so darn passionate and fun. Well you are going to be in for a rude awakening when you get done sowing and realize your children are victims of your need to find a great peice of A, which by the way won't last.

 

Please understand, (I'm not placing myself above anyone else) we are both professional, educated, polished business people. Our joint decisions have always been well thought out as if writing a pro forma for a business. .

 

Sounds just like my house was before my W had an affair. Both professionals, polished individuals (except when I'm writing on this particular thread) very business like. Thats how we "managed" the family and the marriage. Very professionaly. THAT my friend is your problem. You've become business partners. Can it change? Yep, but only if you BOTH try to focus on each other and get some real counseling.

 

.

I guess what I'm trying to illustrate without the appearance of self absolution, is that she and I are both aware of the issues here. I've been open about questioning my feelings or absence of feeling for her. She says that she loves me, that I believe without question. We are very considerate to one another. Even through this past week, we've been very thoughtful with respect to our feelings. It's just not clicking for us and we're both quite tired of feeling lonely. We've decided that a trial separation is in order. .

 

It's not clicking because you don't want it to and you run everything like a professional business in the house, and with the romantic side of the relationship. You think your wife doesn't have passion inside? Do you think she has lost her sexuality.. Think again. When you seperate and she meets a nice man that knows how to treat a woman like a woman and not a buiness partner, she will perk right up. Sorry If I'm being harsh but I was where you are and when my W had her A it was like a tiger was awakened in her. She was repressed, partly because of me, partly because of her, but mostly because of "us" treating everything as a business arrangement.

A trial seperation might do you some good but know that you will NEVER click if you don't want to. Seperate, get out there, have some fun (which by the way will do nothing to help your underlying issues but rather your appetite for a little fun). Know this though. Seperation is very risky. When your W meets some guy and possibly marries you may SAY you will be OK. But you won't. That's when you will have your "Eureka" moment. Also, being seperated myself, your W will have NO probelm finding a man.

 

.

The ultimate question is am I just delusional? Should I continue on in this relationship thinking it will improve? She says she loves me but HOW?

.

 

Because she knows how to love, but something tells me she needs to learn how to SHOW it in a way that you can react to.....Just like you need to do it to her. Have you read the 5 languages of love? Read it. What have you done to look inside yourself. How much, reading about loving, LT relationships have you and her done. Don't you want to know for your sake that you tried EVERYTHING to make your marriage work. Inluding looking deep deep inside yourself and taking accountability for your actions, and fixing them.

 

.

How or why would a woman love a man that doesn't love her back?

.

 

Do you really not love her or are you just not "in lust" with her. BIG difference. Do you not care deeply for her. If she were to vanish tomorrow would you not be deeply affected? Yes it may not be romantic love, but romantic love is something that can be worked on if your not thinking about getting your needs fulfilled by all your affair partnerts.

 

.

I honestly want to make myself want her.

.

 

No you don't. Your mind is fixated on some great sex you had in an affair. If you honestly "want" her you would work through YOUR issues and truly figure out how to make HER happy.

 

 

.

To sincerely look her in the eyes and say 'there is none other for me' but that just hasn't happened.

 

Dude, you have a fairytale view of love don't you. There will ALWAYS be others for you, regardless of who you are with. There is no one soul mate, no one person your meant to be with. Start reading and educating yourself about relationships. Have you done and committed to the love dare book. Have you actually committed to this stuff or is your deisre to have something else getting in the way.

[Integritylost]

Floridapad, I appreciate the candor and more importantly the experience from which you draw your assertions. Much of what you say is on the mark it's just the circumstance of our relationship is a bit more convoluted. In that, I'm dealing with a past that collectively has been devoid of all emotion. My objective, contrary to the perception, is not rooted in a sexual context. To be perfectly honest, the last A was not based in the physical but in emotion. When that happened about 18 months ago, it lasted for a few months at which time we both sort of freaked out and broke things off. I see this person from time to time out and about but it's very much a thing of the past. What it did do, however, was drive home the notion of what a dirt bag I've really been.

 

That said, we stand at this impasse which neither of us knows the next move. Counseling started a year ago, I've since started going for myself yet the apathy remains. We've both (counselor included) decided something has to be done and the thought of separation, albeit not ideal, is the only option we can see worth trying. When I say separation, it's not a blank check to run out and find the next replacement. It's hopefully a time that we may both reflect on ourselves and either come to the realization that we belong together or that we should just move on. I can't change what I've done in the past but I can change today and what lies ahead. For the entirety of my life I've followed the consensus and made 'popular' decisions in the effort to satisfy all those involved. It's only now that I've put enough resolve together to actually try and make a change for the good. Question remains, what's 'good'.

 

Well, thanks again to all of you that have offered your opinions as they have already settled the turmoil that is my mind. We are going to try the split and actively date one another in the process, see if there is anything left to rekindle. She's a wonderful woman and would make any man proud to have her. You could find no better mother and homemaker, that's my opinion anyway. She is kind and loving in her own way. Now, if I can just get my S*** together and figure this out so I don't have another 20 years of regret.

 

I'll keep ya posted.

[floridapad]

Floridapad, I appreciate the candor and more importantly the experience from which you draw your assertions.

 

 

Assertions..As you call them??? I guess you are the only one that knows.

 

OK..Since you seem like a "professional" guy I will speak to you in a professional manner. (Forgive me if I slip)

 

Are you living two worlds?? Professional, disciplined, do what is right on one side, but desire to have passion,feelings, "freedom" on the other side.

 

Your wife is also a professional or so it seems. You mentioned that she lied about being a virgin and smoking. Do you think she has a "different" side as well? Seems to me she does. Have you discovered that with her yet? Do you know how to?

 

Do you really think she is that person who is "just" a great mother and caregiver? I will tell you now.. EVERY woman has a different side. YOU have just given up on it and she perhaps has settled with being a mom/wife because YOU treat her that way.

 

Dude...your a man. Treat women like women.. Not like the mother of your children. She is your wife and you want her to be your lover. You have completely F'd up your self respect by having an affair. Don't put that on her. Thats all you my friend. That is all you.

 

If/when you do separate, Don't date each other in the beginning. Give each other some space ( at least a month). Yeah, she may or may not find a man real quick. But don't you dare sabotage her healing. YOU are the one that is f*cking up by not being a man.

 

My friend. I speak to you from experience. I am a VP of finance for a multibillion dollar company (professional just like you..right?) and the BIGGEST mistake I made in my life was to treat my wife like a "Business" partner. Second biggest mistake was to think SHE was just a mom and a "simply" a wife. She's got more under the "hood" than you think. She is a woman afterall.

[trippi1432]

Wow!! FLPad - Great post my friend. )

[Gunny376]

What do we call it now?

 

Its isn't marriage anymore?

 

Call it new and different its not the way it was before.

 

Out of a lot words to choose from, there's only one that fits!

 

Call it what you want to?

 

I call it quits!

 

Turn and walk away! Across the deserts of our hearts! Love's turned to sand and we've ran out of time!

 

We've come down to the place where only word fits!

 

Call it what you want you want to! I call it quits!

 

Call our friends and family and tell them!

 

Call it separation, independence, divorce

 

Whatever word fits!

 

Me? I just call it quits!

[Brooke79]

Wow floridapad you are very insightful! Excellent post and feedback.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

This may seem over simplified but here I go.

 

When you think about leaving, what keeps you there?

 

Do you think to yourself, I love her and want things to work and I am willing to change and will do anything to make things better and to get my family back on track?

 

OR

 

Are you staying because you are fearful of her response or because you feel guilty or because you're worried about how the kids will handle it?

 

Like I said, over simplified and it's just my opinion. But I think the answer to that question will help you figure out what is really in your mind. If you're staying out of fear that's the wrong way to go about it. If you really want to leave but are afraid, you can't live like that for the next 40 years.

 

I'm like you (without all of the affairs) in that I'm a rule follower, a people pleaser, make many decisions based on fear and guilt. I have a very successful business but yet in my personal life can't make a decision for fear of hurting my H and kids.

 

Good luck. Definitely some changes are in order.

 

I love the book 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay'. It might give you some clarity.

[Integritylost]

Where do I start?

I'll get to the meat of it I guess.

2 1/2 months I moved out. Kids are handling it as well as expected, it really sucks to do this to them, they are why I continue to hold out hope.

 

A week or two after I moved out I went to the house in order to hang out with the kids. During that period I sat down to the computer to look up something, I don't know, a movie or something like that to do with the kids. Well, there it was! Big and bold! My wife, the woman that I thought was beyond EVER stepping outside of our vows was emailing another man. The kicker is that she left her email open which had to be a mistake. Bottom line, I dug a bit deeper and found a string of emails back and forth with this gentleman. One side note, this fellow happens to be the sheriff of our community for the last decade. He's a very prominent and respectful man that has done much for the region. I have to say, even after this revelation, I still hold him in pretty high regard. As a matter of reference, a few years back he was a republican contender for congress, so he's no joke where clout plays into things. Back to the email; Basically, the conversation was a rather tame, just flirtatious and nothing more. My curiosity however, led to further investigation. What I did next, after a few days of snooping which did produce more email evidence was pull up the local law enforcement site and leave it up for her (wife) to find. Thats all it took. When she saw it, she spilled her guts and admitted an off and on relationship with this man for the last five years. I must say, I was rather taken aback but felt that it was her way of procuring a sense of validation from a man she respected. My heartburn over all of it is that her little affair went on during a period where I was actively trying to make things work, going to church with her regularly, etc. I guess I'm a little pissed that she would engage in this behavior when I was really trying to work things out and with such a high profile person. It's hard to push those typical 'revenge' feelings aside and not confront the individual but in this case if the information were made public, it would be quite the scandal. This guy is a poster child for the religious right and is basically a good guy with exception of his male parts. She says he was very aggressive in his pursuit of her but I'm sure it was a mutual on both their parts. So, here i am, obsessing over something I cannot do anything about. She says it's over but she did admit to loving him or so she thought but he is married and she realized that it was just a sexual thing for him. Wow! just typing that last line blows my mind. NO ONE that knows my wife would ever believe it! She lives and breathes her faith, which happens to be of the very charismatic persuasion, and this is just way out of her character. It just goes to show that anyone is capable of infidelity if the circumstance presents.

 

Thats just a little update for those that were following my thread and providing some good advice. I'm still living away from the home and she and I are on good terms considering. The goal is to start a dating relationship at ground zero and see if there is any chance of restoring a relationship. I hope it can happen. I just don't feel it.

[You Go Girl]

What's good for the gander....

 

Why did you, through all those years of messing around, assume your wife has no sexual animal?

Think again, we all do, just takes the right approach from a man to find it......

[HappyAgain]

Honestly, you are exactly what my xH was and FloridaPad is right on the money.

 

Your feelings/guilt have nothing to do with your wife but with yourself and your insecurities. If you truly did love your wife, you would have let her go years ago instead of wanting to drop this bomb on her when she is now close to mid-life and has spent over 20 years with a man who didn't love her. This is all about you and has nothing to do with her.

 

My xH was a wimp like this too and he never found the courage to leave me - only the courage to tell himself how much he didn't love me, tell his friends how much he didn't love me and how much I ruined his life (yeah right), and to try to sleep with every female he came in contact with. In the meantime, he lead me on so that I stayed with him as you are with your wife. It finally took me kicking him out to move him on to the next step in his life. However, even then, he was too scared to commit to a divorce until he found another idiot woman who was willing to commit to him and hold his hand because he can't do anything for himself.

 

I lost 19 years of my life in which I could have found and been with someone who truly loved me as I was instead of with the jerk I was married to. So honestly, stop pretending to yourself that your decisions have anything to do with concern for your wife. You can't handle responsibility, you may be scared of being alone, but everything you have done in your marriage has been your choice for yourself. I would say end it but I have a feeling you won't and will continue the way you have all these years.

[Integritylost]

As much as I appreciate someone reading and providing their personal insight into this mess i've created, it'd be nice if I could get an objective, less biased point of view and commentary. I know what a creep I've been! I also know that for a very long time I WAS a good husband, still a great father so the last comment doesn't really hold water. I'm not here looking for excuses or pity for my situation. I'm looking for hope. I'm looking for an answer. I've come clean with my mistakes. I've offered her the opportunity of sitting down with any of the individuals involved and allow her the chance to express her pain. NO! I'm not making myself a hero or martyr so you can put that argument away. If there is a way or some sense that as messed up as my marriage has become, that there has been someone on this site that has survived and created a happy ending. PLEASE tell me. What I have to contend with is the realization that I don't have the option, nor is she willing to agree to my approaching her affair. She won't even discuss it now. The mere mention that I am going to contact him sends her into orbit. Why is that? What is there left to hide? Will I ever trust her? I know she doesn't trust me.

 

I'd love to hear from experience. If you just want to break my balls, save it, they've been broken enough. .....please