Does the way I act now have a link to my past?

[Hockeygirl4]

Ok, so growing up I had my mom dad and a mentally disabled brother, though I never said a word to my parents, I always felt left out of the family in some way. My brother, I felt got all the attention and my parents, kinda left me in the crowd. They also compared him to me, If I got an F on a test or did something wrong, they would say "Oh Timmy would NEVER do that." Even though all he ever did was sit in a chair, since he was not capable of speech or other basic functions. Maybe I'm being selfish since my parents always supported me financially, but I always felt an emptiness in our relationship, like I couldn't compete with perfection. Now, later in life, I can't express my feelings with anyone, because I am sooo afraid of being venerable or rejected. I choose to be alone instead of seeking a relationship. It's terrible. Does my childhood have a connection to the way I act now or are these two separate problems? And what should I do????

[Ronni_W]

Hockeygirl,

Yes, our childhood experiences play a critical role in our mental and emotional development.

It is not at all "selfish" to have wanted to be seen by your parents as a unique individual who is loved, special, important, competent and a source of pride. Even as adult children we still want that from our parents. (And, when we don't have it, we misguidedly look to our partners to fulfill those needs and wants role that our parents did not.)

 

You could Google "family of origin" to get a general idea. John Bradshaw and Charles Whitfield are two well-known authors in the field. And this link is for a free, online book on 'emotional intelligence' that you might find helpful: eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm (you'll need to cut & paste, cos posting live links is frowned upon.)

 

A psychotherapist who specialized in family-of-origin work will be a great help -- once you really get into it, it can be quite challenging and gut-wrenching. There will be days when having professional support will feel like an absolute life-saver.

 

The other alternative is to work with a cognitive-behavioural therapist (CBT) to uncover and repair the beliefs and behaviours that are causing your current-day problems.

 

Best of luck.

[norajane]

I believe it's connected.

 

I remember watching some show...something like a "Deserving Design" show where they built out a special play/living room for a family who had a disabled child. I'm sure I was supposed to feel warm and mushy that they did something to make that child's life easier...however, I was mostly appalled at how it was ALL about that child in that family, and the other two kids seemingly had no lives outside the care and feeding of that child.

 

Play time, tv time, dinner time, family time - it was ALL about the disabled child. The other kids not only got no attention from the parents, they also had to forgo their own activities in order to care for the disabled child, or because the parents didn't have time or chose not to have time to support other activities for their children.

 

So, long story short, I can see where you're coming from and how that might make you feel like your needs and desires and dreams for your life got buried and now it's hard to make yourself a whole person.

 

HOWEVER, at some point, you do have to come to terms with the fact that was your past and you are an adult now. Lots of people come from less than ideal childhoods and can choose to put that behind them and make their adult lives what and how they want them to be. It will take some effort on your part, but take it one step at a time and put yourself out there. Each step you take to tell someone how you feel or to open up or to tell someone what you don't want is a step toward feeling empowered and less vulnerable. You have a right to your feelings and you have a right to your own needs and to make them known to others.

 

I don't know if your circumstances allow, but I think it would really help you to get some help from a therapist. They can teach you behavioral skills and help you get through steps that seem difficult to start voicing your feelings and needs and to feel less vulnerable. Practice makes it easier to do it, and they can help you practice in a non-judgmental setting with someone who is professionally skilled in helping you overcome your obstacles.

Edited January 28, 2010 by norajane

[SincereOnlineGuy]

And what should I do????

 

 

 

I'd answer this, if you had e-mail enabled.