Feeling oddly numb

[SimplyBeingLoved]

A bit of background, after 16 years, increasing distance and a total lack of intimacy, I decided I'd had enough of a "roommate" marriage. I am going through a trial separation and I am moving out into a nearby apartment this week.

 

Anyway, on to the point of this post. I had an argument with my mother this evening because I admitted I just really DON'T know how my husband is feeling right now. She said "well you can imagine how he must be feeling." And to be honest... while I suppose the "right" answer is he must be feeling depressed, upset, terribly sad, grieving... I can't tap into that. I don't really know that's what he's feeling. My husband is passive aggressive. He does not really express what he wants, needs, or feels... until he has an outburst or it's too late.

 

So then my mom asked, "well how would you felt if he up and left you?" And I answered honestly, "Relieved."

 

So now my mom assumes all I think about is myself, that I'm horribly selfish, heartless, cold, etc.

 

I guess my question is... the lack of my ability to tap into what he "might" be feeling... this lack of empathy... is that a protective mechanism? It's as if I just can't feel anything... can't empathize. Not that I refuse to... it's just not there. Personally, I feel fine... good even. I can't seem to tune into the way I'm "supposed" to be feeling.

 

Anyone relate? Will a barrage of feelings descend upon me after the separation is completed? I've been waiting for those feelings since I made the decision a few months ago. Nothing yet.

[pastxmas]

No one knows what we are going through unless they walk a mile in our shoes. For this reason, there can be a seemingly unfair backlash from family and friends who just don't get it or get us.

 

The best advice I can offer is for you to heed what the people on these boards have to say, because they know what you are going through and can help with advice that might not be the most palatable to you at the time but will indeed help you in the long run.

 

I am sorry that you are going through what you are and hope you find happiness in your life.

[Butterflair]

I'm ending a 32 year marriage and I feel numb also. Once the decision was made I set him free to be with his girlfriend and I've been working on getting my life back on track. I don't need to waste anymore time trying to make someone love me like I want.

 

You can't know what someone else feels, it's a very individual feeling. I find myself wondering why my stbxh is being so cranky and mean, I have no clue so I don't worry about it. Don't feel bad that you don't feel anything, probably means you're on the right track and learning a lot about yourself.

[Passion4Life]

A bit of background, after 16 years, increasing distance and a total lack of intimacy, I decided I'd had enough of a "roommate" marriage. I am going through a trial separation and I am moving out into a nearby apartment this week.

 

Anyway, on to the point of this post. I had an argument with my mother this evening because I admitted I just really DON'T know how my husband is feeling right now. She said "well you can imagine how he must be feeling." And to be honest... while I suppose the "right" answer is he must be feeling depressed, upset, terribly sad, grieving... I can't tap into that. I don't really know that's what he's feeling. My husband is passive aggressive. He does not really express what he wants, needs, or feels... until he has an outburst or it's too late.

 

So then my mom asked, "well how would you felt if he up and left you?" And I answered honestly, "Relieved."

 

So now my mom assumes all I think about is myself, that I'm horribly selfish, heartless, cold, etc.

 

I guess my question is... the lack of my ability to tap into what he "might" be feeling... this lack of empathy... is that a protective mechanism? It's as if I just can't feel anything... can't empathize. Not that I refuse to... it's just not there. Personally, I feel fine... good even. I can't seem to tune into the way I'm "supposed" to be feeling.

 

Anyone relate? Will a barrage of feelings descend upon me after the separation is completed? I've been waiting for those feelings since I made the decision a few months ago. Nothing yet.

 

honestly if u feel u can't empathize with ur husband then i wouldn't call u selfish but cold for sure towards him . maybe for someonelse u might be very loving , feeling attached & compassionate so that will mean u r not heartless even .

 

good luck

[floridapad]

I have a question for you. Do you feel numb in general or just towards your husband. My stbxw was numb in the beginning when this all occurred for the same reasons you are saying, but as time went on she realized she was numb about many things. She had a harder time getting connected to characters in movies when other people in the theatre would be crying. She had a hard time "feeling" connections of other people not just her own situation. It was very odd for her and I actually felt her pain because (here is the real answer to your question) I WANTED to feel her pain.

[Passion4Life]

I have a question for you. Do you feel numb in general or just towards your husband. My stbxw was numb in the beginning when this all occurred for the same reasons you are saying, but as time went on she realized she was numb about many things. She had a harder time getting connected to characters in movies when other people in the theatre would be crying. She had a hard time "feeling" connections of other people not just her own situation. It was very odd for her and I actually felt her pain because (here is the real answer to your question) I WANTED to feel her pain.

 

floridapad , ur last sentence is the key.