Ending a 32 year marriage

[Butterflair]

Hello everyone, I've been lurking here for a couple of months now. You have unknowingly been helping me through my separation. Our separation began on Nov 24th and we can't divorce for a year. So here's my story, I'll try to keep it short and on point:

 

I married young at age 18, had my first child at 19. I was married 32 years before the separation and have two grown sons and two grandchildren. At 51 I'm finding myself starting over. My husband (51) was having an affair with a young woman that he claimed was "like a daughter" to me. This girl (27) used to date my younger son in High School for four years so we have a history with her. She went on vacations with us and even lived at my house for about 6 months. They had a bad break up and my son wanted nothing more to do with her. This all happened about 7 years ago and my son has moved on, gotten married and had a baby. I lost touch with the OW but apparently my husband kept in touch in more ways then one. This isn't the first affair he had either, the last one that I am aware of happened 15 years ago and almost destroyed me, it lasted off and on for about 5 years but we managed to work though it though we never did go to counciling or talk about it like we should have.

 

I had doubts about his story and made the decision that I wasn't going through this again, I would end the marriage before that happened. I also told him the same thing. Yet he assured me that it was a friendship and he cared for her but it didn't affect our marriage. He knew this "looked like a duck" but it wasn't. I believe now that this affair really took off during the summer last year while I was with my mother helping her after surgery.

 

We had a great trip to Hawaii in Sept and toward the end before we left, I became aware that he was sending text messages and trying to call her multiple times daily. After we got home, I became suspicious, I started checking cell phone bills, credit card bills and I put a key logging program on the computer and got access to the chats and emails. It was very obvious that this was way more than he said. They were setting up meetings every chance they could get get and professing their love for each other. I also found out that he took her to Atlanta on July 4th weekend, before he ever asked me about being friends with her again. That made everything he told me a lie and they were already sexual.

 

Amazingly, I was very calm this time. Something snapped and I decided it was over and I wanted out. I said nothing to him but I went to see a lawyer, she said to hire a PI, which I did and get evidence to use in court. I have the higher income and this would prevent spousal support.

 

Telling my husband I wanted a divorce was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I spent 5 days with my family in Nov for my grandmother's funeral (while he was home sleeping with her every night). I knew when I got home that I had to end things. I came straight from the airport and told him as soon as I got home. Straight and to the point. The next day I told him that I hired a PI on the advice of the lawyer and that we needed to discuss our separation. Though he denied an affair, he agreed to the divorce and told me to draw up the papers and he'd sign them. So I did. The day he moved out of here and into the other house, she moved in with him.

 

I've handled all the lawyer costs, the court cost, the cost to transfer deeds and property. We got a separation through the court pretty quickly, the lawyer said I was very generous to him. He left debt free and got our old home, his cars and all his personal property plus some cash. I keep the new home and my personal property.We started this on friendly/civil terms but it's deteriorating fast. I have to close on my refinance next week and I need him to sign a quit claim deed. Once that happens, he shouldn't have to sign anything else.

 

So here I am 2 months into this, I have no regret about ending the marriage. I wish he had the balls to man up and leave on his own and tell the truth about what he is doing but he isn't. This would have been easier had he chosen a different woman, but he didn't. My two sons have lost respect for him and don't understand anything. The lawyer says it's a classic mid-life crisis. The son that dated this girl and my husband have only spoken once in two months, he's missing out on the grandchildren and it's all very awkward and a mess. I feel some guilt because I initiated the divorce and changed everyone's life all the while knowing that I am not to blame and I didn't cause this.

 

What concerns me most is my lack of emotion. Most days I do fine and I'm moving on but a few days it washes over me and I feel such sadness for my broken family. He is missing so much. I wonder if I'll find someone or if I'll be alone. Either way, it should be better than living with someone who lies and cheats and you can't trust.

 

I guess this turned out long after all. I hope to help contribute here, I know that I'm still sorting out my own emotions but I feel a bit different from the other stories. I'm not wanting him back or hoping he'll call. I'm not doing NC or a 180, I only talk to him when I need to. I'm not angry or hateful to him or to her. I just want to move on with my life and take out the stress, I just don't have the energy to deal with drama anymore. Life has been peaceful with him gone yet it still feels like something is missing. I assume that time will heal the wounds and a year from now it won't seem as bad.

[xpaperxcutx]

First of all, welcome to LS. I'm so sorry to hear that you went through so much but I'm also happy for you that you chose to follow through with what you wanted.

 

You have your family and your grandchildren, and your ex- h only has the 27 yr old. He will come to regret his choices, but in the meantime go do your own, rediscover your youth. Even if you're in your 50s, you have the prowess of a young cougar. Enjoy the things that you have and most of all be happy.

[Eeyore79]

My mother left my father after 36 years of marriage, the last five of which were spent trying to make the relationship work. She now lives alone with her dog, and says she's much happier and doesn't want another man. She's been single for six years now, and she's in her mid-60s... she's having a great time going shopping with her friends, going on day trips and out for dinner, and generally doing whatever she wants with no hassle.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties, but if my mother can do it, so can you. A few years down the line, she's come to terms with the situation and says her life is much more peaceful and stress-free. I assume you're somewhat younger than she was (she was 59 when she left him) so maybe there's still time for you to find a new companion who will care for and respect you... but at the very least you still have your family and friends around you. I wish you all the best {{hug}}

[Butterflair]

My sister divorced last year after 25 years, my mom divorced after 23 years, her parents divorced after 35 years. Seems to be a trend in my family. Everyone keeps saying that I'll find someone new and everything will be great. My mom never had another relationship. At the moment I'm not looking however if someone came along I'd be open to it.

 

So many unknown things down this new path. Thanks for the welcome.

[PWSX3]

I guess this turned out long after all. I hope to help contribute here, I know that I'm still sorting out my own emotions but I feel a bit different from the other stories. I'm not wanting him back or hoping he'll call. I'm not doing NC or a 180, I only talk to him when I need to. I'm not angry or hateful to him or to her. I just want to move on with my life and take out the stress, I just don't have the energy to deal with drama anymore. Life has been peaceful with him gone yet it still feels like something is missing. I assume that time will heal the wounds and a year from now it won't seem as bad.

In divorce care class I learned that when you divorce it isn't just two people separating but it is a tearing like a piece of meat. It's not straight & some of you will stay with him & some of him will stay with you. I don't think it matters how bad a marriage is you will always have feelings of some type for him.....

 

You have been taking care of a old teenager & yes your stress level will go down, but it will also make you feel like your missing something because you have done it for so long. Worrying about just one person is a lot easier.

 

Someplace down the road you will go thru many of those emotions and it's just a process you have to do. If you try & skip one or by pass it I promise you it will come back later.....Take this time to look at what part "you" had in the bad marriage.

 

I know it's easy to see what he did wrong & it could be most of his fault but it takes two to make a bad marriage & we need to look at our part.....

 

I wish you the best, it won't be easy...

[Gunny376]

Silly Rabbit! Tricks are for kids!

 

Life begins the day you decide to start living it!

 

For most of us? We think that's the day we were born?

 

Not so!

 

Many live a lifetime without living their lives!

 

To its fullest and to its "top"

 

You didn't lose a dear husband of 32 years! You quit dragging around an old "Festis" dead mule and saddle everywhere you went.

 

And that's a good thing!

 

Now get yourelf busy living ~ or get your happy self busy dying!

 

Get up this morning and go out on the back porch and rub some sunshine on your face!

[Gunny376]

My husband (51) was having an affair with a young woman that he claimed was "like a daughter" to me. This girl (27) used to date my younger son in High School for four years so we have a history with her.

 

The only difference between this and the sinking of the Titantic?

 

Is the Titantic had a band playing as she went down!

[Butterflair]

The only difference between this and the sinking of the Titantic?

 

Is the Titantic had a band playing as she went down!

 

Pretty good one it's definitely a disaster.

 

I'm looking forward to what life has in store for me, should be an interesting journey. I just need to get the house refinance finished and his name off my title and then I can relax. I get nervous when he has to sign something even though I know he'll sign it, he just makes me feel like a **** for asking.

[grfins]

You are not alone in what you are going through. Seperated in Sept with 20 + years after her exit affair. Not quite 32 but still extremely painful and still very difficult to grasp at times. I wish the best for you in dealing with all of this.

[Butterflair]

You have been taking care of a old teenager & yes your stress level will go down, but it will also make you feel like your missing something because you have done it for so long. Worrying about just one person is a lot easier.

 

Someplace down the road you will go thru many of those emotions and it's just a process you have to do. If you try & skip one or by pass it I promise you it will come back later.....Take this time to look at what part "you" had in the bad marriage.

 

I re-read your post today and caught some things I missed. I like the analogy of the meat, it does feel like a tear and I do feel like something is missing. I feel it when he is missing special moments with the grandchildren or I go somewhere and remember when he was with me. Both good and bad memories.

 

I'm trying not to miss anything as far as what I feel. I do place a lot of blame on myself, too much in fact. If I had done this, maybe that wouldn't have happened. It's easy to see now how far we drifted apart and things went wrong but ultimately, he made the choice to have a relationship with this girl, all the while knowing that it would end up badly. My own kids have told me that they have so much more respect for me now and want me to be strong, it's like they feel that he needs to be punished and feel consequences for his actions. I'm not out to punish him, I'm only trying to get my life back on track. It does get a bit easier each day.

[Gunny376]

You've got the right idea and focus on you and yours! Quit worrying about the XHEX! He's made his bed and now he will have to sleep in it!

[PWSX3]

Just wanted to share with you, I also had an affair many years ago & trust me he has no idea how much hurt & pain he will & has brought onto you & every else....

 

I have shared this before, it is like a drug & he was only thinking of himself & not of the impact it would do....

 

The affair was not the problem or fix in his case as he is thinking, there is something much deeper that caused it & until that is found & dealt with he will always be looking for something that isn't there....

 

Yes you will always have those memories, some good some bad & I feel as you look at the situation & what part you had in it more of the good will start to surface, but it all has to be processed..

[Butterflair]

The affair was not the problem or fix in his case as he is thinking, there is something much deeper that caused it & until that is found & dealt with he will always be looking for something that isn't there....

 

That is what keeps me from having hate towards him. I know what is triggering this but I have no power to stop it or to help him. The other affair happened after his father died (not natural causes). He is approaching the age that his father died, I believe he is thinking of how much time is left in his life and how happy he is/isn't and what he wants. It's a very selfish stage but one I understand. It's know that he has to find out what he wants on his own journey. I can't sit around and wait for him though, I'm in the same age slot and I don't want to waste any time I have left moping around waiting. I have a life to live too.

 

So I do believe I'm on the right path. It'll be okay and I'm glad I found this place, it's helped me so much.

[scatterd]

WOW YOU ARE STRONG,YOUR LIFE WILL HAVE MANY HAPPY TIMES AHEAD.HE DOES NOT KNOW YET BUT THIS IS HIS LOSS.NOW IT WONT BE SO MUCH FUN FOR HIM.SPEND YOUR DAYS TAKING CARE OF YOUR SELF AND AS FAR AS FINDING SOMEONE AGAIN THEIR IS MANY OF THEM.BUT BE HAPPY AND ENJOY LIFE MAYBE THIS IS A BLESSING AND GOD HAS REWARDS FOR YOU PUTTING UP THE WAY YOU DID.I REALLY AM SORRY FOR THIS AND I WISH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY THE BEST.BIG HUGS:D:bunny::bunny:

[2.50 a gallon]

Let if be a new begining to a new life.

 

I was just about your age when I met my present GF, 14 years of sharing love with a fantastic woman.

 

If you chose, you too can have a brand new life. It can be done

[Butterflair]

To be honest, I have self doubts that I will find someone. I've always had this image of being the one that no one wants. I know I have a lot to offer someone and I do have flaws of my own. I'm hoping that there really are men out there who can accept a woman for who she is and not what she looks like. I would call myself average, nothing spectacular but still worth knowing. I can't compete with younger women. I also know that I'm a strong person, I don't need a man to take care of me but I want a man to take care of me. (not financially but emotionally) There is a difference. So yeah, I have a lot of work to do on myself, self esteem issues and some wrinkle cream.

 

So for now, I'm not actively looking but I'm open to meeting people. Not hiding but not seeking. Hope that makes sense and thanks for the support.

[Butterflair]

Wow, what a difference a few hours makes. Today was grandson's birthday and the ex came over, everything was basically fine, he gave me some mail and said he'd get with the lawyer about signing my paper for the house next week. He stayed for about 3 hours. I heard a rumor that he might get a lawyer and try to get more money, I hope that's not true. I don't think he can, the separation agreement is already signed and entered in the court plus, spousal support is not valid in cases of adultery.

 

I know he felt awkward here, as did everyone. Everytime I see him lately I end up in tears when he leaves which happened today. I guess it's better to cry when he's not here then to let him see me. Both my sons were here but I didn't really see anyone talking to him much. One of my daughter in law's is especially bitter and I just found out that he's not invited to my grandaughter's birthday next weekend.

 

How long does the pain last? I sometimes wish I just felt angry then I wouldn't feel such a mix of sadness. What a roller coaster.

Edited January 31, 2010 by Butterflair

[Gunny376]

In NC the seperatrion aggreeement is pretty much the divorce settlement. Its pretty much chisled in stone by now.

 

As far as getting off of the emotional roller-coaster?

 

Its the day you decide to get off!

 

I admitt that sounds absurd? But that's what it comes down to.

 

I'm done!

 

I'm through!

 

Its the day that you make the decsion ~ I'm through with loving you!

 

Of course that day will never come. Because there's a part of you that will always love them.

 

Forevermore they're a part of you and your a part of them! Especially if you've got children with them.

 

You never get over it so much as you get use to living with it! And, living without them.

 

Its much like dragging a dead horse and saddle around everywhere you go? You eventually get tired of doing such and quit doing it!

[Brooke79]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post and give advice I really do appreciate it. I truly wish that after all is settled that you find happiness. I hope stbxh comes to his senses because aside from you two being apart he has created a riff in the family. I know you wish for him to be there for your grandkids too, so hopefully something will strike his sensibility. You seem to be handling it well and I admire that, because you too have built a lifetime together and I know that that was hard to walk away from because of it is bigger than you when you think about your family as a unit. But the family is here and it may change but it won't be broken. You are strong and I wish you the best.

[Butterflair]

Thanks for the kind words Brooke, I hope the ex does a turn around too. It's too late for us and our marriage but I hope that he can heal the relationship with our children and enjoy our grandchildren. I mostly hope he doesn't have another baby with the OW but I fear that will happen too.

 

I'm handling things okay but the emotion comes in waves, it was the hardest thing I had to do to end my marriage and I'm not sure where the strength came from but once he tore away the last bit of trust I had with lies and deceit, it just became easy to do what I had to do. I was almost detached for awhile. I know I will be okay and it's just going to take time. I don't want the anger and the hate, I'm trying to move ahead and stay positive. I'm sure my age and how much I've already dealt with played a big part in my decision. When you are over 50, you don't need to waste your time with things that you can't control. Too old and too tired to mess with it. Got a lot left on my "to do" list.

[Gunny376]

I'm sure my age and how much I've already dealt with played a big part in my decision. When you are over 50, you don't need to waste your time with things that you can't control. Too old and too tired to mess with it. Got a lot left on my "to do" list.

 

That's 'stinkin' thinkin'

 

When did turning fifty become the end of the line? I got a buddy of mine from the Marines, that used to drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney.

 

Turned 50, gave it all up. Got back on "tha' program' and just completed his sixth Marine Corps Marathon.

 

But your right, once you've reach a certain age, time does seem to go by faster. They say its because your 're-expercing' so many things that you've already experienced in Life.

 

Which to me, only means that you need to experience new things in life. Get out there and try new things, go to different places, meet new people.

 

Travel to Va, Washington, Memphis ~ try some new foods, cuisines. (Once I ate Eastern Style North Carolina BBQ ~ I was ruined for life! No other will do! John Boy and Billy Bob {Southern Radio Talk Show Hosts) have even bottled it ~ but I still like making my own because I like some fire to it!)

 

Texas Pete hot sauce is the best there is to have. Take yourself a trip down to Savannah or Augusta Ga. The River Walk in Savannah is great. Flipp Island, Hilton Head ~ nothing but a good time.

 

Take 'shag lessons' ~ ( a form of beach dance music unique to the Carolina ~ not so easy to learn ~ but one hell of a lot of fun!)

 

My point is that if you find yourself going through the 'Big "D"' what you've got to do is take a little time to re-define yourself, your life. You've got to 're-invent' yourself and your Life.

 

You've got to decided what to put in, and what to take out? What to leave in and what to take out?

 

When we get married, we don't just get married to another person ~ we get married to 'hopes' and dreams. We get married to the 'promise' of what life will be and the future will be.

 

When we get divorced? We mourn not only the lost of our spouses, but the lost our our hopes and dreams of what our lives would be like when we first started out on this journey.

 

LOL I wished to Hell I knew 32 years ago what I know now?

 

To quote John Wayne ~ " There's a Hell of a lot that they didn't tell me when I first joined this outfit!"

 

And to quote another for the STBXH ~ "Life is hard! But its harder if your stupid!"

 

And finally for you ~ from the Duke himself ~

 

“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday."

[Butterflair]

We're on the right track Gunny, I meant more that I didn't want to waste anymore time waiting for him to act like a big boy and stop the nonsense. I have no plans to sit around and rot. I went skiing for the first time a week ago and didn't break anything. LOL I've repainted the bedroom, rearranged the furniture, moved my computer and TV in, I feel like a college kid. One of my sons and his family are living with me for awhile and they have the upstairs. It's a good arrangement right now.

 

I love to travel and I want to go places that I haven't been. Australia and New Zealand is high on the list. I love to eat too and try new foods. Carolina BBQ is indeed good, specially if it's fresh off the grill.

 

I would love dancing but the ex never did so finding someone who dances would be great! I happened to watch a shag video the other day, funny you should mention that. I also play video games, have done that for a few years, I shoot zombies with kids half my age and do really well. LOL

 

I don't really want to do these things alone but most I can. Going places that we once shared is hard but I work through each one. The last place we traveled together was Hawaii, we had a great time but it was evident toward the end that there was a problem. I'm keeping Hawaii as a good memory and hope to go back one day to make new memories.

 

When we get married, we don't just get married to another person ~ we get married to 'hopes' and dreams. We get married to the 'promise' of what life will be and the future will be.

 

When we get divorced? We mourn not only the lost of our spouses, but the lost our our hopes and dreams of what our lives would be like when we first started out on this journey.

I think you hit the nail right on the head when you said this. It's mourning the loss of the dream and the damage done to the family unit. It's only been two months. Thanks for the quotes Love the Duke, one of my favorite movies of his is Green Beret.

 

btw.. my dad is a retired Marine and I live between two Marine bases in eastern NC.

 

Semper Fi!

[Brooke79]

Yes Gunny, great points. When you marry there is so much hope and expectations of forever and then bam it's taken away. I know that your emotions are all over the spectrum because of it, and its to be expected and there is no instant fix, but as time passes you start counting the days and you feel a little accomplished, I am just on week one, but I am proud because I was counting the days . Like I keep saying, I look forward to being able to move on like you, I know I will probably want a relationship later after all is done, but I know that there are so many things that I can think of that would be fulfilling and I am glad for you that you get to embrace that. I would love to take a dance course or some unique cuisine class, make great friends with those interests and get together and dance or have dinner parties. That sounds so great, I know that is down the road because the kids and their schedules take priority, but at least it something I know I can look forward to. Hope you're doing well

[Gunny376]

I think you hit the nail right on the head when you said this. It's mourning the loss of the dream and the damage done to the family unit. It's only been two months. Thanks for the quotes Love the Duke, one of my favorite movies of his is Green Beret.

 

He caught a lot of flak from the anti-war protest movement for having made the film ~ to which his response was, "I seek the love and respect of my family and friends ~ the rest of you can go to Hell!"

[Butterflair]

That is why he is a great man. That movie brings tears every time I watch it.

 

I remember the whole anti-war mess, I was living at Cherry Point with my parents, dad was going to Viet Nam and it made me sick to see how others were treating our soldiers when they returned. My dad returned, others did not. For that reason alone, I will always support our military and what they do.

 

 

In other news, the ex called today and he talked to the land lawyer and is signing off on the house title today, my refinance should close within the next 2 days and that will be a huge load off my plate.

 

My next dilemma is how to deal with a petty daughter in law. She is not inviting the ex to my grand daughter's 2nd birthday part Sat. because he didn't talk to her this Sat. at grandson's party. They haven't spoken in two months, this is the wife of the son that used to date the girl. I just want to shake her and say, it's not about you. I don't have a problem being in the same room with him, he's not bringing the GF so why should the baby be punished? I know there isn't much I can do but this is the type of daily drama I have to deal with. It does not get easier with adult children.