Ending a 32 year marriage

[You Go Girl]

I know how you felt when you decided enough was enough. My H lied the last time...and I simply didn't have the heart to go there again, believe in him, have faith in the marriage, or go through the same old same old.

Your self preservation instincts said ENOUGH!

 

Your exH is going to be going through a lot of pain in the not too distant future. This relationship with the young girl won't last, we all know. She'll get tired of him eventually when she figures out he's not the all knowing god she thinks he is. Then she'll notice the wrinkles, the ponch gut, etc., and she'll leave him.

And what will he have left? A broken life, broken relationships.

 

It's only natural you feel a hole in the place he occupied in your life. You were together for most of your adult life--or all of it, really.

Now think of how nice it is to have that hole--at least temporarily--like the entire bed to yourself, knowing that things will be exactly where you left them, no surprises in the bathroom, and you get to choose the tv channel every night, not just sometimes.

I know it is lonely. I feel the same. A divorce group can help. Keeping in contact everyday with at least one family or friend member can help.

Being good to yourself can help the most of all.

This too shall pass--you will smile and laugh again just as you did in years past.

[You Go Girl]

and as for the 2 year old's birthday party--

 

well really that event is for the adults, and older children. A two year old will never remember who was at their birthday party, and doesn't really understand what a birthday party is.

 

Why should your stbx be treated as if nothing has happened? Something has happened...and something very serious because it is really disgusting to have a relationship with his son's ex gf.

If one of my sisters, let alone my mother! had had a sexual relationship with one of my past bf's, I probably wouldn't forgive them.

I'm 46--and I've to tell ya--you're more mature than I am in handling this--and I thought I was pretty mature.

[Butterflair]

The birthday party was today and it went fine. He wasn't invited but that's okay. Yesterday he came by the house to visit with my son, his wife and my grandson. He stayed a few hours, was in a good mood and it was the nicest visit we've all had in a long time. Before he left he asked to talk to me outside. He told me how hard everything was for him and how he has a tough time making his bills and that he has nothing left over to save. He asked if I could help him and give him money each month like spousal support and that maybe I could write it off my taxes. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say so I said I'd think about it. My sons are stunned. Why should I pay him money while he's in a relationship with her?

 

Our separation agreement is done and signed as a court order. It's pretty much set in stone. I don't want to pay him any money and I don't want to have to tell him this in person so I'm writing a letter that is now getting to four pages. It's very direct and honest about what the events were that led up to our separation and very direct about my feelings about the affair (that he won't admit to), things I should have said a long time ago but haven't. This has made me emotionally sick for two days now. Just when I thought things were over, it's not.

 

He probably regrets signing the documents so soon but he would have made out much worse if it went to court and proof of his affair was presented.

 

He did everything wrong and yet I feel the guilt of asking for the divorce and changing everyone's life. What the heck is wrong with me. Will things ever feel normal again? Everytime I think I'm moving forward I get slammed back. I think I may go NC for now. I don't think I have to have him sign anything anymore. I have no reason to see him.

[Gunny376]

He made his bed hard and now he's going to have to sleep in it! Hell freaking no I wouldn't give him a dime! As a man I'd sleep in a hollow log, drink muddy water from a stream of the Mississippi River and eat road-kill opossum or raccoon before I ever ask a woman for so much as a penny!

 

Tha' dumb, stupid, ignorant SOB! You had a good loving wife of 32 years, children and Home ( BTW? For those not clued in? An empty apartment or house does not a Home make ~ it takes a woman's touch to make a "home" ~ a HOME!

 

It never ceases to amaze me how many men are completely willing to totally screw up their lives over a piece of tail? To risk their careers, their lives, their jobs, their families? I'm into total amazement of such. John Edwards, Bill Clinton, the Gov. of SC? WTF?

 

Me? (And I'm not saying this in jest) ~ I believe in "Threesomes" when it comes to sex! ME! HER! and a MD! We need to have some blood work done before we become intimate!

 

No offense! But Love isn't worth dying over!

 

Anyway you did good!

 

Good for yourself! Your well on your way of the "healing road!" and walking your way through the "Healing Fire"

 

Your focused! You've got your eyes on the prize! Those children and Grandchildren!

 

And living your Life for you! To its fullest and to its top! Your not living your Life through them, nor for them!

 

Your living life for YOU!

 

Now get out there and "Get Some" ~ live Life to its fullest and to its top!

 

BTW ~ pick up this months addition of "Readers Digest" magazine and read about the 103 year old woman that drives three miles to volunteer at the local hospital four hours a day, plays bridge once a week, watchs the news each nigft ~

 

Fifty something old woman?

 

Phiffffffffff!

 

Girl you've not even begin to live!

[Gunny376]

Your life's not over!

 

Its just beginning!

[You Go Girl]

Oh wow, butterflair. He's like a kid that's had his allowance taken away. Can you believe how low he will go?

My H makes 6 figures a year and I am learning how to make an income. Right now I have very little, and am seriously behind on bills.

He's given me $ at times, out of guilt? out of feeling pity too perhaps.

But the last thing I am going to do is ask for some of his $.

Now here I am very afraid of whether I can make it in this economy, but I sure won't do what your H is doing, and I'm not having an affair!

I agree with Gunny. I'll stop short of road kill, but I'll eat ramen noodles if I have to before I go begging.

Your H is just seeing how much he can get...and it's really disgusting.

 

That letter...sometimes it's better to write them, get it out, then throw them in the fire. Will it do YOU any good for him to know more of your honest heartfelt thoughts? especially when he's been deceiving you feigning loyalty?

Maybe it depends on whether you've shared those thoughts before.

Anyway--just a thought--counselors often say write it, get it out, then burn it.

[PWSX3]

 

Our separation agreement is done and signed as a court order. It's pretty much set in stone. I don't want to pay him any money and I don't want to have to tell him this in person so I'm writing a letter that is now getting to four pages. It's very direct and honest about what the events were that led up to our separation and very direct about my feelings about the affair (that he won't admit to), things I should have said a long time ago but haven't. This has made me emotionally sick for two days now. Just when I thought things were over, it's not.

I agree with you go girl, putting your thoughts & feelings down on paper are a very good idea, but throwing it into a fire or shredder is an even better idea. If you are really done with the relationship then it doesn't do any good to give him the letter, it doesn't help to share your feelings with someone you aren't interested in getting back with.

If you are looking for revenge I really don't think that would help, you would feel worse or he would say something to piss you off again & then you would feel worse.

He probably regrets signing the documents so soon but he would have made out much worse if it went to court and proof of his affair was presented.

 

He did everything wrong and yet I feel the guilt of asking for the divorce and changing everyone's life. What the heck is wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong, you just don't want to see anyone hurt. I really believe most wives feel this way because they are the care takers in the family.

Look at what part you had in the marriage. It has taken two to get you to this point so just figure out what you did & what you could have done different.

Will things ever feel normal again?

What is normal?? Does that mean you want to get back to your marriage, that would be normal. What you are looking forward to is a new life, a new way of living & that only comes with time...

Everytime I think I'm moving forward I get slammed back. I think I may go NC for now. I don't think I have to have him sign anything anymore. I have no reason to see him.

Welcome to the roller-coaster of life. It's not going to get better for a while, hate to tell you that, but once you start to do the healing, only then will things start to come around, but it is going to take time.

[Butterflair]

Thanks for the support and comments. I'm doing better today. Writing it down helped a lot. I don't want him back, writing the letter had the intent of telling him directly that the he can't get spousal support because of his affair and that he needs to start being responsible for himself. Things someone would normally say in person but I have a confrontation problem. I do hate hurting anyone including him. I do have compassion but I refuse to be used any longer.

 

Normal meant feeling good every day, without the pit in my stomach, didn't mean I want the marriage back. My sons are dealing with the reality that he isn't the man they thought he was, they can't respect him anymore and won't believe him anymore. I need a few more days to think about things and how to handle it.

 

I love roller coasters but not this kind.