Can't stop breaking my heart over stripclub

[Honeybeeme]

Ok my first post please help me out!

My boyfriend of 2yrs is off on a stag in 3 months and will no doubt be in stripclubs. Recently he admitted he had no interest but the other guys would so it's gonna happen. It sounds mental but iv lost sleep, cried my eyes out and can't stop thinking about it ever since and he's not even been yet . I know this is MY problem and I shouldn't be acting like this but for some odd reason the very thought of him looking at someone else like that upsets me like nothing else. It truely makes tears in my eyes when I think of it. Am I mental?how can I cope? iv been on a diet/glossy hair/manicure routine and I can't let him see me unglam- to me this is my way of coping that when he does go they won't have a patch on me. I feel lke I'm going crazy iv tried several ways of justifying it in my head but nothing works and I feel bad for putting him thru it. Has anyone any ideas how to stop being this freak? My first boyfriend 10yrs ago 2x and dumped me I think this may have effected me but not sure is it all steming from that? Should I jst go to theripy before u ruin my life anymore?

 

Thanks for Reading all comments wil be appreciated x

[JackJack]

There are some things in this world in which we have no control over. One, is other people and what they do. You do have control over yourself though. My suggestion is learn to change your way of thinking from such negative things to positive things. Some therapy might be the best answer for you right now.

[Eeyore79]

Sorry, but if my boyfriend went to a strip club our relationship would be over, and I would make sure he knew that. I would urge him to find out if strip clubs are going to be involved, and if so I would expect him to decline the invitation to the stag party.

 

Of course, he is free to go to a strip club if he wishes, just as I am free to choose to break up with him if he does so. He knows where I draw the line, and he respects that. I'm sure he would also draw the line at a naked man rubbing himself all over me in a club, so I don't feel that I'm being unreasonable when I object to a naked lapdancer rubbing herself against his erection.

 

You clearly don't like this situation, and I don't blame you. Grow some balls and put your foot down - tell him where you draw the line with regard to strip clubs and leave the rest up to him.

[Dark-Farmer]

Sorry, but if my boyfriend went to a strip club our relationship would be overQUOTE]

 

Are f***ing seroius! I think that's ridiculous. In fact so much if i was dating someone like you i would go just to see if you would do it, and if you actually did so be it. Because i would doubt your controlling would stop there.

 

You not telling her to grow some balls you're telling her to cut her man's off and put them in her purse.

 

I am not a big fan of strip clubs, they're dirty (physically) smell and i would generally prefer to be some where else. However when my brother got married (ie. a stag) hell yeah i took him to the strip club. It's just tradition.

 

I think you ladies need to stop worrying. if he went every week then yeah put you foot down, but come on it's a stag. Plus if you can't trust him enough to let him go once for a stag you obviously don't trust him enough...

[Woggle]

It's funny how strip clubs are so taboo for women but they can get huggy and kissy with their make friends and if we take issue with that we are too controlling. The women who are the most controlling about thi sort of thing are the first to cheat and try to excuse it.

[Woggle]

Just tell him you aren't comfortable with it, and ask him not to go. If he raises hell over it, maybe you should think twice about marrying him. What's worth more, one night of fake boobs in his face, or the happiness and contentment of his future wife?

 

Granted, it is one night. Maybe you could send along a brother (if you have one) so he would feel realllly uncomfortable getting to happy around a stripper.

 

His balls and his self respect are most important because a man can move heaven and earth yet most wives would neither be happy nor content. In fact most of them hate contentment. It's better to have the memory of a fun time with his friends.

[Eeyore79]

I am not overly controlling - I have what I consider to be reasonable boundaries (i.e. no sexual contact with anyone else while you are in a relationship with me) and I stick by those boundaries. Imo "sexual contact" includes naked strippers writhing around in front of him, or even worse on his lap, so these things are unacceptable. In return I obviously do not allow naked men to rub themselves all over me either.

 

I can assure you that if my boyfriend went to a strip club then our relationship would most definitely be over. It has nothing to do with controlling him; it has to do with him respecting my boundaries and not having sexual contact with other women. I show him the same respect by not having sexual contact with other men.

 

I don't see why a stag party would excuse my boyfriend from the "not having sexual contact with other women" rule. Stag parties nowadays span a broad range of activities, from drinking weekends in other cities to go-karting and paintballing; I don't see why it has to involve naked women. When it comes down to it, I am perfectly entitled to set my own boundaries for what is acceptable, and men are perfectly free not to date me if they don't like it.

[Eeyore79]

His balls and his self respect are most important because a man can move heaven and earth yet most wives would neither be happy nor content. In fact most of them hate contentment. It's better to have the memory of a fun time with his friends.

 

I don't see how a man can have any self respect if he prioritises going to a strip club over and above the happiness and comfort of his partner.

 

But if she leaves you for being unfaithful and uncaring, then hey, I'm sure your memories of "fun times with your friends" will keep you very warm at night.

[Eeyore79]

I don't agree with having affairs at all. I think that you should respect your current partner enough to end your relationship if its not working, before moving on to a relationship with someone else. It's about basic morality and decency... being unfaithful is not a decent thing for anyone to do, regardless of whether they are male or female.

 

 

I don't know anyone who ever dumped their man for being faithful and caring, unless there was also something else wrong with the relationship.

[Woggle]

Women won't say it but too often faithful and caring men are the ones who end up with a woman who oves him like a brother while they lust after the men who don't care.

[AAlike]

Of course, he is free to go to a strip club if he wishes, just as I am free to choose to break up with him if he does so. He knows where I draw the line, and he respects that. I'm sure he would also draw the line at a naked man rubbing himself all over me in a club, so I don't feel that I'm being unreasonable when I object to a naked lapdancer rubbing herself against his erection.

 

There is a pretty big distinction between "don't get a lapdance" and "don't participate in anything that could involve a strip club." I think that it's fine to not expect your BF to get a lapdance - not saying that I agree or disagree with it, but that it is perfectly reasonable.

 

Let's say, hypothetically, that your BF's best friend was getting married. Your BF is not the best man, but he's in the wedding and an integral part of the bachelor party, which, according to the best man would involve a quick strip club jaunt. You would break up with him if he attended the bachelor party, even if he assured you that no lapdance would take place? and you would expect him to be OK explaining to his best friend that his girlfriend won't let him go to his best friend's bachelor party?

[O'Malley]

Have you ever discussed and established clear boundaries about strip clubs and interpersonal interaction with your boyfriend? Does he share your views?

 

Sometimes you do have to pick your battles...it's fine to let him know you're not comfortable with the idea of direct contact with strippers (lap dances, etc.) but that the decision is his.

 

If this is a lark, and he is trustworthy in all aspects of your relationship, worrying about hypotheticals causes you more harm than good. Do not sit at home on the night of this stag; go out with your friends and have fun. It's a matter of trust and communication....just talk it out and get his perspective on what he expects and doesn't expect to do.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

Saying don't go to the SC is not controlling...I use to be the most laid back non controlling W ever!!! My H and I went to the SC and it was fun...the 2nd time we went was my 21st birthday..and one of the strippers pulled up my shirt and a guy tried to give me a dollar..my H got soooooo jealous that he left in a cab. (just because they exposed my boobs) We made a promise to eachother that we would never go again. well guess what?!? he went twice!!! got 2 lapdances..from the same girl. spent 60 bucks...so why dish out what you can't take down?!? SC's are nooooo place for married people. Trust me. Its so easy to cross the line and something that use to be fun is suddenly a place you daydream about driving your suv into.

[Enema]

Sounds like you guys have different ideas about what's "ok".

 

The last thing you should do is try to give ultimatums or control what he does. As someone else said - you can only control yourself.

 

If you don't want to accept this - go your separate ways and try dating from a church next time?

[Eeyore79]

There is a pretty big distinction between "don't get a lapdance" and "don't participate in anything that could involve a strip club." I think that it's fine to not expect your BF to get a lapdance - not saying that I agree or disagree with it, but that it is perfectly reasonable.

 

Let's say, hypothetically, that your BF's best friend was getting married. Your BF is not the best man, but he's in the wedding and an integral part of the bachelor party, which, according to the best man would involve a quick strip club jaunt. You would break up with him if he attended the bachelor party, even if he assured you that no lapdance would take place? and you would expect him to be OK explaining to his best friend that his girlfriend won't let him go to his best friend's bachelor party?

 

Yes, I would expect him to make an excuse and not attend the bachelor party. He dosn't necessarily have to say it's because of his girlfriend, he could make some other excuse. In fact I'll go one better: he shouldn't even want to go to the strip club, because it's degrading and objectifies women. But then again, I don't foresee it being a problem because my boyfriend and his friends aren't into douchebag stuff like strip clubs anyway; they're more likely to go paintballing or drinking or something.

[skydiveaddict]

Yes, I would expect him to make an excuse and not attend the bachelor party. He dosn't necessarily have to say it's because of his girlfriend, he could make some other excuse. In fact I'll go one better: he shouldn't even want to go to the strip club, because it's degrading and objectifies women. But then again, I don't foresee it being a problem because my boyfriend and his friends aren't into douchebag stuff like strip clubs anyway; they're more likely to go paintballing or drinking or something.

 

 

the one time i went to a strip club, i found it downright depressing. all these dudes with their tongues hanging out, practically drooling. they looked so pathetic. never went back to one

[AAlike]

Yes, I would expect him to make an excuse and not attend the bachelor party. He dosn't necessarily have to say it's because of his girlfriend, he could make some other excuse.

 

OK, so you think that not only should he miss a one-time experience like his best friend's bachelor party because it might involve something that is essentially commonplace that he personally has expressed no interest in, that he should lie about it too. that's reasonable!

 

In fact I'll go one better: he shouldn't even want to go to the strip club, because it's degrading and objectifies women.

 

A place that objectifies women?? what a rarity in our society! I hope you forbid him from watching TV or going to pretty much any bar that plays music too.

 

Look, I don't enjoy myself in strip clubs. and I also hate "meat market" bars - in fact, I'm generally the guy that lobbies against them during the course of a night out. Not because of some moral crusade but just because I find them dumb and unstimulating. but there are times when I end up in the meat market crap (ironically, the only time that I have ever ended up in retardo "clubs" in the past is because someone's wife, GF, or single female friend wants to go - go figure). am I proud of being there? no. do I partake and have a good time? no, other than just bs'ing with my friends. but should I be slandered by association? no.

 

But then again, I don't foresee it being a problem because my boyfriend and his friends aren't into douchebag stuff like strip clubs anyway; they're more likely to go paintballing or drinking or something.

 

whoa tiger - yes, I'm sure that your bf and his friends never look at or objectify women when they do "non-douchebag" stuff like drinking!!

[AAlike]

the one time i went to a strip club, i found it downright depressing. all these dudes with their tongues hanging out, practically drooling. they looked so pathetic. never went back to one

 

I totally agree. that's why it's even more amazing that women are so terrified of it.

 

the only enjoyment that I've ever gotten from strip clubs is the people watching. if you are able to get past the faux-mystique and realize how silly it is, it's actually quite hilarious.

[AAlike]

And just to reiterate -

 

I think strip clubs suck. They don't turn me on at all, I don't understand how guys are into them, let alone spend fairly siginficant amounts of money in them. plus, the few times that I have went they've always been more divey ones, and since I wasn't a "regular" the dancers have tried to fake flirt with me to try and get me to buy a dance, which, like all overly motivated salesmanship, makes me quite uncomfortable - I want to just say "get away from me so I can mock you from a distance" (actually that's practically my mantra in all aspects of life, but I digress).

 

I also completely agree that a married guy or a guy in a committed relationship should not be regularly going to one unprompted, just as he should not be regularly going to a singles bar, dance club, etc.

 

All that I'm trying to say is that it seems utterly unreasonable to not at least consider the intent before saying something as over the top as "I would break up with my boyfriend the instant he steps into a strip club" - and if you have this hardline of a stance that you couldn't even discuss it and you are talking about forcing him to lie, or sending a spy along with him, I'd find it VERY hard to believe that you don't have trust and/or control issues that are going to manifest themselves in other aspects of your relationship.

[Buttnutter100]

The best strip club I ever went to was an out of the way place in Biloxi, Mississipi.

 

They were these wild young local bayou girls and they wuz fine.

 

Some of them even had teeth!

[Honeybeeme]

Thanks for yr comments guys but yr slightly going off my point. I didn't say I was stopping or breaking up with him for going. It's his best mates stag there is no way Id not let him go, i just need some advice on how to cope. As I said it deeply hurts me the thought of him getting turned on by these strippers. He says he won't but I'm not stupid men cant help themselves. To most I may seem like crazy but I can't get my head around him looking at another girl like that. I go to great lengths to be beautiful and fulfilling for him, it annoys me so much that once he sees theses girls il go straight out of his head. I just want to be like a normal girl and not feel so saddened by this. I cAn't cope :-(

[JackJack]

Thanks for yr comments guys but yr slightly going off my point. I didn't say I was stopping or breaking up with him for going. It's his best mates stag there is no way Id not let him go, i just need some advice on how to cope. As I said it deeply hurts me the thought of him getting turned on by these strippers. He says he won't but I'm not stupid men cant help themselves. To most I may seem like crazy but I can't get my head around him looking at another girl like that. I go to great lengths to be beautiful and fulfilling for him, it annoys me so much that once he sees theses girls il go straight out of his head. I just want to be like a normal girl and not feel so saddened by this. I cAn't cope :-(

 

That is why when I first answered your post, I suggested, maybe some therapy to help you cope. Other than that, lean on friends/family, someone who will listen to you and be there for you since tis something you say you know he will do.

[snoopy girl]

honeybeme, i know how you feel, if he goes it will hurt you dearly and you will never forget or forgive him for going. you are not crazy for feeling the way you do, its like a betrayal of his love for you to look at other women naked when he is committed to you. you need to let him know that if he goes, it will hurt you so much and hope that he will not go. but it is a guy thing, and when all of his friends are going, he wants to go too, not meaning to hurt your feeling, he just wants fun for himself.. and when its over he will tell you he is sorry and that he didn't have a good time and wished he didn't go, just to make you feel better and not to get mad at him. or he will not tell you anything about it.. there is no fixing this, once its done it done and the damages is there. the only thing i can say is i'm sorry you are going through this, if he goes, maybe you should do a girls night out to a club or a movie, but don't stay at home along, it will just make it harder.. good luck with this

[MizzBlue72]

Honestly, I can say I have been to strip clubs. They are NOT that bad.

 

So - how to handle?? Have a heart to heart with your man. Tell him how you feel. Almost all g

 

Guys frequent these, especially for stag parties. Bunch of guys having fun.

 

He WILL BE coming home to YOU though ... remember that.

 

Good luck

[Eeyore79]

i just need some advice on how to cope. As I said it deeply hurts me the thought of him getting turned on by these strippers. I may seem like crazy but I can't get my head around him looking at another girl like that.

 

You aren't crazy and you don't need advice on how to cope. You shouldn't have to cope, because he shouldn't be disrespecting you by going to the strip club in the first place. You're clearly not comfortable with it, and I don't se why you should have to be. If it hurts you, he should have the decency to prioritise your feelings and not go.