Cheated on my fiance....now what..

[tabitha1985]

Hi,

 

I'm new here but wanted to get some advice. I've cheated on my fiance of 1 year and truly regret it. I tell him all the time I'm so sorry for all the lies and that what I did was wrong. We currently live together, and surprisignly he has not asked me to move out. I'm also 2 months pregnant so that may be why he hasn't I suppose. Yes it's his kid. I cheated on him 3 weeks ago. He knows that, and I didn't have sex with the other guy but i did do other stuff.

 

We've been going to a therapist to discuss our communication issues and the infedility. He barely says a word, all that he has said was that I poisioned the relationship and that I'm disgusting. He won't even sit on the same couch as me in the counselors office. The counselor asked him if he was done with this relationship and all he said is..."I'm not a fortune teller....I don't know". I can't believe he called me that in front of the counselor. He doesn't cry, he just seems very rigid and angry. Seldom smiles, seldom wants to talk to me. I took him out to eat, we barely said a few words. Everytime he does try to talk all he does is asks why and for me to repeat everything that occured that night I cheated. It's all he ever talks about...I want to move forward...not focus on the past. All he wants to do is talk about the past.

 

My fiancee and I have not been intimate for almost a month, he won't kiss me or anything else. At best, he will kiss me on the cheek or hug me but that's about it. Sometimes he sleeps in the same bed with me but doesn't touch me (its like two strangers in the same bed). Sometimes he sleeps in the guest room. Why won't he hold me, touch me or make love to me? Why does he go to the counselor to barely say a word. Does he not care? Does he not want to make it work? Is he already checked out? He doesn't go out with his friends, he just sits around the house...staring at the TV or going to work. I don't think he is really even eating much to be honest.

 

A few night ago I stayed at my parents and came back to the house and he just hugged me...figured he would have missed me and showed me with a kiss at least. But no.

 

Last night I tried the counselors advice that she told me in private to wear something alluring, have candles lit, a warm bath ready and try to gauge his response. He walked in and instead of following the rose petals into the master bathroom he went to the guest bathroom and went to sleep. I know he saw the petals.

 

He is completely unresponsive to me...the only thing he has been focused on is readying the other room to be a nursery. WHAT DO I DO????

 

I'm pregnant, I'm getting bigger and I don't feel that he is attracted to me anymore. My hormones are raging and I want him to show me he loves me...is that too much to ask?

Edited January 28, 2010 by tabitha1985

[Natsumi]

I think it's important that you understand that his reaction to what you have done is natural: he is disappointed and angry and wants to punish you. He does that by being cold and unresponsive. What he thought of you and your future together has been tainted by what you have done and he has not yet come to terms with it.

 

I don't know what kind of therapist you are seeing but trying to have sex is probably not the best thing to do at this time.

 

You say that he wants to talk about the past and you want to move forward, but this happened 3 weeks ago, it's a fresh wound. I am not surprised he is not ready to be intimate with you. After all, you betrayed him and his trust.

 

You do not elaborate whether you told him what the reason for your betrayal was, but perhaps if you explain to him why it happened then maybe you can put his mind to rest. For instance, if you were too drunk to know what you were doing, or you were depressed and someone took advantage of the situation. Since you want to stay with your fiancee I am assuming that the reason was trivial and that therefore you do have an excuse.

 

I hope you can work past this.

[tabitha1985]

I don't know why I cheated....at first I wanted closure with the person. He was an ex of many years ago. I told the ex that I was happy and engaged but it didn't stop me or him from progressing further. I lied about communicating with him the entire time to my fiance. I don't know why I did it.

 

He told me that he wanted all my passwords and logins to everything and wanted complete transparency. I don't feel like I should be put under constant surveillance. It's controlling and makes me uncomfortable.

 

I know I betrayed his trust and loyalty but why put these kinds of stipulations on things...it doesn't help mend trust.

 

I want intimacy with him, I miss it and crave it. I know that he will get it elsewhere..it's been a month and I'm not getting any skinnier. What man rejects advances especially from his fiance.

 

I wonder if he has cheated...I wonder if he is feeling guilty...I'm going to discuss this with him tonight if he will just talk to me.

 

Why does he go to the counselor to just call me names and then barely say a word...it makes no sense but the counselor encourages him to come back...she calls him saying he needs to keep going even.

[hoping2heal]

Hi,

 

I'm new here but wanted to get some advice. I've cheated on my fiance of 1 year and truly regret it. I tell him all the time I'm so sorry for all the lies and that what I did was wrong. We currently live together, and surprisignly he has not asked me to move out. I'm also 2 months pregnant so that may be why he hasn't I suppose. Yes it's his kid. I cheated on him 3 weeks ago. He knows that, and I didn't have sex with the other guy but i did do other stuff.

 

We've been going to a therapist to discuss our communication issues and the infedility. He barely says a word, all that he has said was that I poisioned the relationship and that I'm disgusting. He won't even sit on the same couch as me in the counselors office. The counselor asked him if he was done with this relationship and all he said is..."I'm not a fortune teller....I don't know". I can't believe he called me that in front of the counselor. He doesn't cry, he just seems very rigid and angry. Seldom smiles, seldom wants to talk to me. I took him out to eat, we barely said a few words. Everytime he does try to talk all he does is asks why and for me to repeat everything that occured that night I cheated. It's all he ever talks about...I want to move forward...not focus on the past. All he wants to do is talk about the past.

 

My fiancee and I have not been intimate for almost a month, he won't kiss me or anything else. At best, he will kiss me on the cheek or hug me but that's about it. Sometimes he sleeps in the same bed with me but doesn't touch me (its like two strangers in the same bed). Sometimes he sleeps in the guest room. Why won't he hold me, touch me or make love to me? Why does he go to the counselor to barely say a word. Does he not care? Does he not want to make it work? Is he already checked out? He doesn't go out with his friends, he just sits around the house...staring at the TV or going to work. I don't think he is really even eating much to be honest.

 

A few night ago I stayed at my parents and came back to the house and he just hugged me...figured he would have missed me and showed me with a kiss at least. But no.

 

Last night I tried the counselors advice that she told me in private to wear something alluring, have candles lit, a warm bath ready and try to gauge his response. He walked in and instead of following the rose petals into the master bathroom he went to the guest bathroom and went to sleep. I know he saw the petals.

 

He is completely unresponsive to me...the only thing he has been focused on is readying the other room to be a nursery. WHAT DO I DO????

 

I'm pregnant, I'm getting bigger and I don't feel that he is attracted to me anymore. My hormones are raging and I want him to show me he loves me...is that too much to ask?

 

Yes, it is too much for you to ask at this point. He is clearly sorting through the feelings he has over what you have done and wether you two will make it through or not is a long time from coming to surface. I know YOU want to move forward but that's a little convinient isn't it?

 

You destroyed someone's trust and faith in you completely, you are an adult and you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. You cannot and should not expect your fiance to just pretend you forgot to pick up eggs at the store, or you didn't remember his birthday.

 

He may never get over what you did and end up leaving, you need to accept that. He is turned off by you because of what you have done and what you are capable of, not because you are pregnant and getting larger.

 

You don't get to shoot someone and decide how long they should take to recover or feel better or heal their soul, just because it's what you want and what is convinient for you.

 

Do you have a history of infidelity? What do you think led you to cheat in the first place?

[lkjh]

I think this post is fake but if its not you have to work to get your fiance back. He doesn't trust you and you are now tainted. He wants your passwords because flat out he wants to know what you are up too

 

Also, if you therapist really did suggest dressing sexy to win him over you may want a new therapist. The reason he doesn't want to touch you is because in his eyes you are damaged goods

 

 

I really think this post is fake nobody is this naive

[tabitha1985]

hoping2heal:

 

I've never cheated, ever..not until this time. I've always been cheated on in my prior relationships but I know he wouldn't do that to me.

 

No one has explained to me why he even bothers going to the counselor just to be totally uninterested and withdrawn. The most he has said is when he called me names and told me I was disgusting. The counselor even said to him "Good good what else.." it was like she was encouraging him to call me names and disrespect me. It was hurtful the words he said and then he just withdrew and hasn't said anything really other than hello. We've gone 4 times...he isn't moving forward.

 

Why does he want my passwords?? How does that help.

[hoping2heal]

I don't know why I cheated....at first I wanted closure with the person. He was an ex of many years ago. I told the ex that I was happy and engaged but it didn't stop me or him from progressing further. I lied about communicating with him the entire time to my fiance. I don't know why I did it.

 

Okay.

 

He told me that he wanted all my passwords and logins to everything and wanted complete transparency. I don't feel like I should be put under constant surveillance. It's controlling and makes me uncomfortable.

 

I know I betrayed his trust and loyalty but why put these kinds of stipulations on things...it doesn't help mend trust.

 

Okay girlfriend, it's time you step out of the planet where everything revolves around you and your wants. It is controlling for a partner to expect transparency of passwords and the like just because. It is not controlling when you find out your fiance has been in contact with her ex behind your back and then cheated on you with him. Seriously, you need to get real already. Like right quick, like big time. If you ever want this man to trust you again, you need to comply to transparency if that's what he needs.

 

I want intimacy with him, I miss it and crave it. I know that he will get it elsewhere..it's been a month and I'm not getting any skinnier. What man rejects advances especially from his fiance.

 

The kind of man who has just been not only cheated on, but lied to for an extended period of time, and then is told his fiance doesn't want to be transparent with him.

 

I wonder if he has cheated...I wonder if he is feeling guilty...I'm going to discuss this with him tonight if he will just talk to me.

 

I doubt it. It sounds to me like you are just trying to find a way to rationalize away at your cheating.

 

Why does he go to the counselor to just call me names and then barely say a word...it makes no sense but the counselor encourages him to come back...she calls him saying he needs to keep going even.

 

He's angry with you and he's being honest about he feels. That is probably the only thing filling his mind right now which is why there is not much more to say.

[samsungxoxo]

I'm new here but wanted to get some advice. I've cheated on my fiance of 1 year and truly regret it.

Have you analyze what might have led to your cheating? Did you ever told him the reasons behind it and how was your relationship in general? Perhaps there was something you felt was lacking or arguments.

I tell him all the time I'm so sorry for all the lies and that what I did was wrong. We currently live together, and surprisignly he has not asked me to move out. I'm also 2 months pregnant so that may be why he hasn't I suppose. Yes it's his kid. I cheated on him 3 weeks ago. He knows that, and I didn't have sex with the other guy but i did do other stuff.

You have to understand that it's only been 3 weeks ago since you cheated and that means it's recently. How did he found out depends on whether he can recover from this or not. If you confessed then there's a more likely chance that the relationship will grow stronger than if he caught you. In addition keep in mind that men consider anything sexual (oral, anal, masturbation in front of OM, fooling around, etc.) as sex and it's hard from them to get over that image. He might overlook at that in time as he might never recover. Go by how he feels and if he wishes not to talk, don't. Just be there for him.

We've been going to a therapist to discuss our communication issues and the infedility. He barely says a word, all that he has said was that I poisioned the relationship and that I'm disgusting. He won't even sit on the same couch as me in the counselors office. The counselor asked him if he was done with this relationship and all he said is..."I'm not a fortune teller....I don't know". I can't believe he called me that in front of the counselor. He doesn't cry, he just seems very rigid and angry. Seldom smiles, seldom wants to talk to me. I took him out to eat, we barely said a few words. Everytime he does try to talk all he does is asks why and for me to repeat everything that occured that night I cheated. It's all he ever talks about...I want to move forward...not focus on the past. All he wants to do is talk about the past.

Also keep in mind that just because you're both going to counseling, it doesn't mind he will stay with you. As for now, it's up to him if he wants to give it another chance or not. You have to be there for him. Maybe he's trying so hard to forget it and show you affection but for men it's difficult. They get disgusted just by the physical act you had with the OM. Try changing some stuff around the house from time to time.

Last night I tried the counselors advice that she told me in private to wear something alluring, have candles lit, a warm bath ready and try to gauge his response. He walked in and instead of following the rose petals into the master bathroom he went to the guest bathroom and went to sleep. I know he saw the petals.

The reason he didn't noticed that is because you're pressuring him to forget about your cheating rather than giving him the space he needs. Try doing that when he shows willingness to work it out and shows more affection. Try not pressuring him into making him love you. Rebuilding trust doesn't happen overnight. It does takes a long time, possibly years. Some people as might as they try, never get over it.

[hoping2heal]

hoping2heal:

 

I've never cheated, ever..not until this time. I've always been cheated on in my prior relationships but I know he wouldn't do that to me.

 

No one has explained to me why he even bothers going to the counselor just to be totally uninterested and withdrawn. The most he has said is when he called me names and told me I was disgusting. The counselor even said to him "Good good what else.." it was like she was encouraging him to call me names and disrespect me. It was hurtful the words he said and then he just withdrew and hasn't said anything really other than hello. We've gone 4 times...he isn't moving forward.

 

Your counselor is encouraging him because he is expressing his thoughts and emotions. That is what he feels, that is what he knows. As for moving forward? You need to be aware ahead of time it could a year or more before he begins to move forward.

 

Why does he want my passwords?? How does that help.

 

Because you have proven yourself to be untrustworthy. You carried on communication with an ex behind his back. Being transparent at all times, on all things he asks for will help him "move forward" once he can see you are working to get that trust back and he can verify that you are doing what you should be that will also help, but it's still a very long road ahead.

[tabitha1985]

Thanks everyone - I appreciate the candidness...It just seems hopeless. I know I messed up. It seems like there are glimmers of hope..he hasn't asked me to move out, he preoccupies his time preparing the nursery. He still considers himself engaged on his myspace. Those are promising right?

 

Just a few minutes ago I get the following text though:

 

"I want a paternity test, this is not up for debate"

 

No good morning, no anything...just that. So now he doubts the child is his??? He knows its his...he's not making any sense...he's acting erratic.

 

I'll give him the passwords, I want to do what I can....how else can I help him? Do I need to move out?

 

Also, maybe I'm not being clear...he only spoke those mean words to me the first visit at the counselor. He hasn't said anything the other 3 visits...so why bother going? What does it mean? What if he doesn't go to any other visits?

 

I do know he spoke to my mom the other day and he told her he hated me and it was over. But yet, he still hasn't changed his status and he hasn't kicked me out.

 

He's all over the place....as for the ex...he's gone for good. I want my fiance, I want to have a family with him, I want a home for us, I want everything we talked about. The only thing that he would occasionally perk up about was talking or hearing about the baby....now he wants a paternity test? ???

[samsungxoxo]

Well I think you made it even worst when you refused to give him access to your passwords and logins. This would have helped out strengthen the relationship because that's telling him that your ex isn't in the picture no more and you have nothing to hide.

Another thing that made if worst is you not having any patience with him. Try to put yourself in his shoes.. he finds out his fiancee not only cheated with her ex but told countless of lies and right now isn't sure what he did wrong, why she chose the OM over him.

Those are all the scenarios he's playing in his head. The fact that you're pregnant makes him doubt over how deep your cheating went. Again if you were him would you trust that it didn't included sex? I doubt it.

 

You further complicated things by not complying to what he told you. There perhaps was the solution but you ignored it. Try not making things harder than they are and show him you do care about him, not just by words but actions. Maybe there is still hope.

[Woggle]

I don't know what to tell you but you shattered his trust and when you shatter a man's trust you will never fully get it back. The only way you can maybe fix this is take complete responsibility for it and give him all the patience he needs to regain trust. Not trying to beat up on you but the state of things in your relationship right now is all your doing. I hope that tiny moment of passion with the other guy was worth it.

[Bleed Internal]

Do you mind sharing what you did when you cheated on him with your ex? That will help me (and the rest of us, presumably) gauge how valid his post-infidelity behavior has been.

[tabitha1985]

My fiance was working late - my ex happened to be in town for a seminar staying at a hotel. (My ex and I were talking in secret for about a month) I told my fiance I was going over to my parents for dinner and may stay the night there as we may go shopping for baby stuff in the morning.

 

I never stayed there...I went to my ex's hotel room...we kissed, I didn't feel good and was throwing up. He held my hair back, rubbed on my stomach and back and fell asleep together in the bed. In the morning I got up to take a shower, he walked into the bathroom and pulled back the shower curtain. I let him watch...he undressed himself but nothing further happend.

 

He was begging me to take him back (he used to be an alcohilic and cheated on me all the time) and he was trying to convience me that he's changed..that he would treat the child as his own. He told me my fiance would leave me (always a fear of mine - my fiance knows that as well) when I got bigger and less attractive.

 

We kissed and he left....I disappered for a bit and took him to the airport and we kissed in the car. I told him I loved him, missed him, thought about him all the time and the words I regret the most....I wish this was you and I having this baby but its not, you weren't ready.

 

When I told that to my fiance he took down every picture of us and broke them and tore up the pictures and threw the pieces at me and left. Everything I did was wrong, I get that.

 

The stress of being pregnant, being married to my fiance and him working a lot more than usual and him not being all that supportive pushed me away. I handled it wrong...I got scared and my ex was giving me tender words and attention when my fiance wanted to work and save money for the upcoming child.

 

I'm still looking for guidance on why he continues to go to the counselor to say nothing.....what happens if he stops going? 2 days ago he said he wanted a note sent out about the wedding next year being cancelled...I wanted postponed....but he was adamant that it say cancelled. My parents are hopeful we can work it out, they try to reachout to him but he turns them down. My parents offered to take the two of us on a cruise to help bond and he said to give the tickets to me and my ex.

 

He doesn't make any sense. I'm pregnant with his child, does he not even want to try for the sake of the child?

 

He's 31 in March...you can probably guess my age. I didn't confess what happened...he became suspicious because of me withdrawing from him the past month and my phone going off at odd hours. I guess he saw it light up...he doesn't have the code to the phone...he does now.

 

The part that has me hurt is when I arrived back to my fiances place there were flowers saying he wishes he didn't have to work so much lately but that he is preparing for our baby and he had a SPA treatment package next to the flowers telling me to enjoy. Of course, he didn't know what happened earlier that morning or the evening before. When he found out, he threw the flowers in the trash and was upset i used the SPA treatment package.

Edited January 28, 2010 by tabitha1985

[reservoirdog1]

Just a few minutes ago I get the following text though:

 

"I want a paternity test, this is not up for debate"

 

No good morning, no anything...just that. So now he doubts the child is his??? He knows its his...

 

No, he doesn't know it's his. YOU know whether or not it's his (so you say), because you're the only one with all the information as to timing and the specifics of what you did with the OM. You're the only one who knows whether or not you actually had sex with the OM, or if you really DID only do "other stuff". The only things your fiance knows are the things YOU TOLD HIM. And right now, he's dealing full-on with the realization that you betrayed his trust. That's one of the consequences of betraying somebody's trust -- everything you tell him, he will take as being automatically suspect. How on earth could he possibly be expected to take you at your word right now? He trusted you previously, but you shattered that trust. The trust is not going to get rebuilt overnight. Trust is built by a consistent pattern of verifiable behaviour.

 

You've assured him that the foetus is his. Now would be an excellent opportunity to get off your high horse, stop acting all hurt because he suddenly (and quite understandably) doesn't trust you, and get the paternity test. If it comes back that it's his, you'll have taken a small step towards rebuilding his trust in you.

 

he's not making any sense...he's acting erratic.

 

No, he's acting like somebody who has just learned that his life partner has betrayed him. His emotions are all over the map, swinging wildly. What you see as "erratic" is a pretty normal, textbook reaction. The swings will moderate gradually, but it'll take time. Strap on your helmet -- it's going to be a bumpy ride for awhile.

 

I'll give him the passwords, I want to do what I can....how else can I help him? Do I need to move out?

No, you don't need to move out. You need to decide whether or not you want to save your relationship. If you do, you need to be willing to bend over backwards to rebuild what you crippled. That means acknowledging the past, not insisting on "looking to the future". Because right now, the only thing he sees when he looks into the future of the relationship, is trying to live happily ever after with a partner who betrayed him and crapped all over him.

 

So how do you rebuild it? First of all, acknowledge and accept that it may be irrepairable. Then, commit yourself to fighting for him and the relationship. Examine why you cheated on him. There are no excuses, but there are definitely reasons -- there is something missing from your relationship that you sought with the OM, and if you don't find a way to get it from your relationship with your fiance, either you'll cheat again or the relationship will sputter onward until it finally dies. Start doing whatever you have to do in order to make him feel safe, secure and loved in the relationship. Make yourself accountable to him 24/7, hide nothing from him. That includes passwords, emails, your cell phone, internet history, everything. As time goes on, if he discovers repeatedly that you're as good as your word, his trust will start to return. And he'll gradually stop seeing the need to run spot checks on you, because it won't be necessary. Accept that he will have highs and lows, and that when he's in the dumps about what happened, that's the absolute worst time to throw up your hands and get pissy yourself. Any resistance or resentment you show him will simply set things back.

 

And, it goes without saying -- cut the OM out of your life, permanently. Delete his phone number, email, everything. Unfriend him on Facebook and everywhere else. If he ever tries to contact you again, tell him that you cannot have contact with him anymore. Period. And then go and IMMEDIATELY tell your fiance about it.

 

Yes, it's invasive, and it's hard, but it's the price. And the process takes months or years, not weeks. Nobody has a gun to your head. If you don't want to do any of those things, then end the relationship. But if you want a chance of rebuilding it, you know what you have to do. Now go do it.

Edited January 28, 2010 by reservoirdog1

[hoping2heal]

 

We kissed and he left....I disappered for a bit and took him to the airport and we kissed in the car. I told him I loved him, missed him, thought about him all the time and the words I regret the most....I wish this was you and I having this baby but its not, you weren't ready.

 

Where did this come from? Is there even a hint of truth to any of this? I have to think there is being that you kept up communication with him behind your fiance's back. I know you know it was wrong, but you made this decision because at the time when it came down to choosing your fiance or your ex; you chose your ex.

 

When I told that to my fiance he took down every picture of us and broke them and tore up the pictures and threw the pieces at me and left. Everything I did was wrong, I get that.

 

The stress of being pregnant, being married to my fiance and him working a lot more than usual and him not being all that supportive pushed me away. I handled it wrong...I got scared and my ex was giving me tender words and attention when my fiance wanted to work and save money for the upcoming child.

 

It is not uncommon that people who are insecure in their relationships end up cheating. You are right that you handled it wrong. Especially when you are vulnerable and you feel like your needs are NOT being met; that is the time you AVOID all outside influences like the PLAGUE. These people absolutely do no have your best interest at heart. If your fiance wasn't meeting your needs..he should of been told about that so he could give you what you wanted and needed.

 

I'm still looking for guidance on why he continues to go to the counselor to say nothing.....what happens if he stops going? 2 days ago he said he wanted a note sent out about the wedding next year being cancelled...I wanted postponed....but he was adamant that it say cancelled. My parents are hopeful we can work it out, they try to reachout to him but he turns them down. My parents offered to take the two of us on a cruise to help bond and he said to give the tickets to me and my ex.

 

I think he is still confused wether he wants to stay with you or not. As I said before, he has a lot of feelings and emotions and until he gets through them he won't know if this relationship is really worth salvaging for him.

 

He doesn't make any sense. I'm pregnant with his child, does he not even want to try for the sake of the child?

 

I think that is probably the biggest reason you aren't out the door at this second. That said, now that you've done what you have done it has shown him this is what you are CAPABLE of and it could happen again; he may be thinking you are a ticking time bomb and realise he just can't put himself in that situation. Only time will tell and you need to do everything possible to let him know where you are, what you are doing, verify every little thing you say at all times. Do not ever tell a lie or try to cover up or hide another thing from here on out; one lie, one cover up and that could be the straw that breaks the camels back.

 

He's 31 in March...you can probably guess my age. I didn't confess what happened...he became suspicious because of me withdrawing from him the past month and my phone going off at odd hours. I guess he saw it light up...he doesn't have the code to the phone...he does now.

 

ok

 

 

The part that has me hurt is when I arrived back to my fiances place there were flowers saying he wishes he didn't have to work so much lately but that he is preparing for our baby and he had a SPA treatment package next to the flowers telling me to enjoy. Of course, he didn't know what happened earlier that morning or the evening before. When he found out, he threw the flowers in the trash and was upset i used the SPA treatment package.

 

Yes, of course he was. You accept a gift after lying and being unfaithful to him. Do you understand how that was in very poor taste?

 

There is no easy road back from broken trust, nor there is a guarantee a couple will be even to survive it even if they aren't walking out the door right off the bat. It's a hailstorm you have brought down on your head and I think you need to do some soul searching about wether you are even ready to get married yourself.

[tabitha1985]

Thanks for the reply - that helps it truly does...but no one has been able to answer the question that has my head spinning.....why does he go to the counselor to sit and stare at the floor and not say anything?

 

What does it mean if he quits going? Why even go? No one can seem to answer that and I'm certainly not going to ask him.

[hoping2heal]

Thanks for the reply - that helps it truly does...but no one has been able to answer the question that has my head spinning.....why does he go to the counselor to sit and stare at the floor and not say anything?

 

What does it mean if he quits going? Why even go? No one can seem to answer that and I'm certainly not going to ask him.

 

No one has answered that question because no one has the answer. None of us are this man, we don't know his motive for anything at this point or what any of it means.

 

That said, it's a real eye opener that you say "I'm certainly not going to ask him." Really? Why not? He is the only one who can give you the answer you need but you won't ask him? Is this a similiar sentiment to you not asking/telling when you feel insecure or you are craving validation from him?

[tabitha1985]

It will send him into orbit..it will piss him off...I get the sense he doesn't want to be there and he certainly doesn't get engaged in the conversation. Me speaking up about it will drive him into not going. Even the counselor told me to tread lightly...be glad he's going he must want to be there in some form. Or so the counselor claims..

[hoping2heal]

It will send him into orbit..it will piss him off...I get the sense he doesn't want to be there and he certainly doesn't get engaged in the conversation. Me speaking up about it will drive him into not going. Even the counselor told me to tread lightly...be glad he's going he must want to be there in some form. Or so the counselor claims..

 

Yes okay, you may be right. I guess you are just going to have to wait and see.

[pepsi]

From a male perspective I think it will be harder for him to cope and move on because you guys were engaged and you were pregnate with his child...If you weren't pregnate and you weren't engaged then I think it would be alot easier...Your going to have to just stay calm and try not to stress as much for the babies sake...Continue therapy and continue to tell him how much he really means to you. If he loves you back he will eventually come around again although it might not happen becauser you two were already taking that first step to being commited to each other forever and you were pregnate...

[reservoirdog1]

Thanks for the reply - that helps it truly does...but no one has been able to answer the question that has my head spinning.....why does he go to the counselor to sit and stare at the floor and not say anything?

Because right now he's so completely wrecked and devastated that he doesn't know what will help. Who knows if he really WANTS to be in counselling -- nobody WANTS to be there -- but he's there because he figures he HAS to be. Emotionally, he's flailing about like a drowning man, seeking something -- anything -- to grab hold of, something solid. He's looking for answers that will satisfy him or make his pain stop, when intellectually he knows he'll never get them. The only thing that will stop his pain is time, and the amount of time will be a product of the work you do -- both on your own, and with him.

 

If he stops going to counselling, YOU KEEP GOING. If you want the relationship to have a chance, you must be seen to be working your ass off to fix it. Actions speak far louder than words, and by continuing to go to counselling, even in the face of his silence or refusal to go too, will demonstrate to him your commitment to rebuilding.

[tabitha1985]

Thanks Pepsi...so as a male...why go to a counselor to just sit and stare at the floor with barely a word. What would it mean if you quit going?

 

I literally see no emotion, no feeling when I tell the counselor what happened, he's off in another place.

[tabitha1985]

reservoirdog1 - thanks...guess i'll sit back and do what I can.

 

I'm not thrilled about him being so adamant in sending a letter saying the wedding is cancelled (vs postponed) but I'll let him to what he feels is best. It' s a bit embarassing....

[Hop_prophet]

Frankly I don't think you understand how devastating this is to him. What you did was horrible to him and he feels betrayed and thrown away by the person who is supposed to love him the most. To be honest I could never forgive what you did especially with the attitude you are displaying here. I would need much much more to even consider it.

 

You are not entitled to any explanations and your attitude needs some serious adjustment. HE is the one who is entitled to everything from you. You should be humble and gracious and accept his demands without any argument. That is the bare minimum he needs to move on. I don't think you have what it takes to make things right. YOU are embarassed??? Just try to imagine how he feels. You don't seem even remotely capable of it.