Cheated on my fiance....now what..

[stillafool]

Hi,

 

My fiancee and I have not been intimate for almost a month, he won't kiss me or anything else. At best, he will kiss me on the cheek or hug me but that's about it. Sometimes he sleeps in the same bed with me but doesn't touch me (its like two strangers in the same bed). Sometimes he sleeps in the guest room. Why won't he hold me, touch me or make love to me? Why does he go to the counselor to barely say a word. Does he not care? Does he not want to make it work? Is he already checked out? He doesn't go out with his friends, he just sits around the house...staring at the TV or going to work. I don't think he is really even eating much to be honest.

 

A few night ago I stayed at my parents and came back to the house and he just hugged me...figured he would have missed me and showed me with a kiss at least. But no.

 

Last night I tried the counselors advice that she told me in private to wear something alluring, have candles lit, a warm bath ready and try to gauge his response. He walked in and instead of following the rose petals into the master bathroom he went to the guest bathroom and went to sleep. I know he saw the petals.

 

He is completely unresponsive to me...the only thing he has been focused on is readying the other room to be a nursery. WHAT DO I DO????

 

I'm pregnant, I'm getting bigger and I don't feel that he is attracted to me anymore. My hormones are raging and I want him to show me he loves me...is that too much to ask?

 

 

He has lost all respect for you. This is why he is acting this way. He is only trying to make it work for his child. I doubt if this man will ever feel the same way about you again. I'm sorry you are hurt, but this is just the way it is when your pregnant fiance cheats on you. It is like you took his baby with you to this other man. He is just totally disgusted.

[whichwayisup]

Do counselling on your own too, not just with him.

 

What's done is done, now you need to understand WHY you cheated on him. It makes me wonder why you would allow another man to touch you, pregnant and all, you're engaged, living with your fiancee, so why cheat? You risked alot to just fool around with your ex.

 

I'm sure it is embarressing, that he cancelled the wedding, but these are consquences of your choices and actions.

 

Your fiancee is NOT ready to open up and talk. Allow him time and space to figure it out. Don't push him, and please, no need to snoop in his computer. If anything he needs to keep an eye on you. Hense wanting the passwords to your email etc.. You say you've been cheated on, in the past, so why is it so hard for you to understand what HE is going through now?

 

Focus on you, your pregancy and continue with the therapy. Do not see/talk to your ex ever again. And, give your fiancee time and space to figure out what he wants.

[ella23]

Its a good sign though that he let me kiss him many times right? He was kissing back at times also..that has to be good?

 

It only means that he still has feelings for you, he might not be able to trust you again.

[reservoirdog1]

I got his cell phone and figured out his code, his text messages to everyone were about me and how horrible I was and how poor of a mother I would be. He said he hoped it wasn't his baby and that I could run off to my ex as far as he was concerned. One of his friends suggested he go with him to a strip club, casino and try to get laid this weekend.....I can't beleive that.

 

As bad as it sounds, I want to see whats on his computer as I think he's been up to something himself. He doesn't drink, he doesn't go to strip clubs and certainly trying to get laid by a stranger....so this is unusual.

I think you're still projecting. You're trying to create in him some kind of equivalent for your betrayal, to feel better about yourself or justified in some way. But what you refer to from his phone doesn't cut it. One of his friends suggests he go get laid this weekend? That's his friend speaking, not him. You have no real reason, from what you've posted, to hack his computer.

 

Focus on your own self-reflection. You still haven't addressed why you did what you did, or why you concealed it from him, or the things you told your exBF at the airport. And how all of those things jibe with your stated desire to be with your fiance.

 

I'd focus my energies there, if I were you.

[H1N1]

I don't know why I cheated....at first I wanted closure with the person. He was an ex of many years ago. I told the ex that I was happy and engaged but it didn't stop me or him from progressing further. I lied about communicating with him the entire time to my fiance. I don't know why I did it.

 

He told me that he wanted all my passwords and logins to everything and wanted complete transparency. I don't feel like I should be put under constant surveillance. It's controlling and makes me uncomfortable.

 

I know I betrayed his trust and loyalty but why put these kinds of stipulations on things...it doesn't help mend trust.

 

I want intimacy with him, I miss it and crave it. I know that he will get it elsewhere..it's been a month and I'm not getting any skinnier. What man rejects advances especially from his fiance.

 

I wonder if he has cheated...I wonder if he is feeling guilty...I'm going to discuss this with him tonight if he will just talk to me.

 

Why does he go to the counselor to just call me names and then barely say a word...it makes no sense but the counselor encourages him to come back...she calls him saying he needs to keep going even.

 

All I see in your post is "I want, I want, I want..."

 

You need to grow up, kid. Once you violate trust, you don't just get it back. You have to give it time and you have to earn that trust back through consistently reassuring him that it was a mistake. Don't ever do that again. You should consider yourself lucky that he hasn't moved out yet -- he probably would were it not for the child.

 

There will indeed come a time when he has to decide what he wants and he will have to move on one way or the other. But I doubt that this takes place within a few weeks time. It can take months or longer before someone even begins to start picking up the pieces from an act of infidelity.

 

Give it time and be understanding. You owe him that.

[H1N1]

Buttnutter:

 

I was talking about how the ex wanted to make things work and how it felt kissing him (the weird feeling of it being wrong but not enough to stop me). He got up and left in mid sentence. The counselor didn't even try to stop him. The past few sessions he hasn't said anything, just stared at the floor. I was surprised he said anything last night, maybe he's been mulling it over.

 

I guess I should have removed the distributor cap or let the air out of a tire or something.

 

Last night I call him, he didn't answer...I call another time (around midnight) and he answered.; He was clearly drunk and at a bar. I waited at his place for 3 hours until he got home and was waiting. He let me in and we started talking but he passed out. I got him a blanket and pillow and laid beside him crying.

 

I got his cell phone and figured out his code, his text messages to everyone were about me and how horrible I was and how poor of a mother I would be. He said he hoped it wasn't his baby and that I could run off to my ex as far as he was concerned. One of his friends suggested he go with him to a strip club, casino and try to get laid this weekend.....I can't beleive that.

 

I kissed him and held him and he was responsive to the kiss until mid morning and then he told me to get out followed by "drive safe, its bad out".

 

As bad as it sounds, I want to see whats on his computer as I think he's been up to something himself. He doesn't drink, he doesn't go to strip clubs and certainly trying to get laid by a stranger....so this is unusual.

 

Its a good sign though that he let me kiss him many times right? He was kissing back at times also..that has to be good?

 

You realize what you're doing? You're trying to spin this around, so that you can find some way of evening the score.

 

You can't even the score. What you did was wrong and you ought to focus on yourself rather than trying to find some fault or some mistake on his part. If you continue to think the way you're thinking, by avoiding your responsibility and trying instead to shift the attention in his direction, you're only going to make things worse.

 

You must accept responsibility for your behavior -- no ifs, ands, or buts. Period. End of story.

[Bryanp]

I do feel sorry for you. You had a very good man, pregnant and planning to get married and you totally self-destructed your relationship because of your selfishness and immaturity.

[tabitha1985]

I know - I may never find a man like him ever again. And now I have to worry about getting my life in order without him potentially being in it and raising a child. Who would want a woman with a child, formerly engaged and a cheater. It's three dings against me.

 

A mutual friend called me this morning telling me that he was at the bar with my fiance and he was literally crying and drinking. He apparently didn't even try to hide his tears..just stared at the tv crying in front of all the patrons and was cutoff and asked to leave. I think he's having a breakdown but he won't let me in. His friend is really concerned for him and is surprised my fiance would even be interested in a strip club. Apparently he was at the bar for an hour, his friend went to a grocery store and got him beer at his request.

 

I don't want to see him in this pain, I want to help him even if that means stay out of the picture. What do I do?!!!?! He never drinks...is he now on the slippery slope of becoming an alcoholic? 31 year old man drowning his sorrows in alcohol...he's a dad..shouldn't he be more smart? What if he got a DWI or ended up slamming into a bridge..this time he had a DD...what about next time??

[Woggle]

I am sorry this happened but you did it to yourself. Not every man is going to just sit there blaming himself and beg you when you are the one who did wrong. Quite honestly of he were to take you back and completely forgive you then you would probably do it again all the while claiming you lost attraction or any other BS excuses women give men who treat them well. You threw this away and you need to accept that.

[Trojan John]

Are you serious?

[ella23]

I know - I may never find a man like him ever again. And now I have to worry about getting my life in order without him potentially being in it and raising a child. Who would want a woman with a child, formerly engaged and a cheater. It's three dings against me.

 

A mutual friend called me this morning telling me that he was at the bar with my fiance and he was literally crying and drinking. He apparently didn't even try to hide his tears..just stared at the tv crying in front of all the patrons and was cutoff and asked to leave. I think he's having a breakdown but he won't let me in. His friend is really concerned for him and is surprised my fiance would even be interested in a strip club. Apparently he was at the bar for an hour, his friend went to a grocery store and got him beer at his request.

 

I don't want to see him in this pain, I want to help him even if that means stay out of the picture. What do I do?!!!?! He never drinks...is he now on the slippery slope of becoming an alcoholic? 31 year old man drowning his sorrows in alcohol...he's a dad..shouldn't he be more smart? What if he got a DWI or ended up slamming into a bridge..this time he had a DD...what about next time??

I wish you'd see things from his point of view instead of trying to make him sound bad so that you can look better.

[whichwayisup]

I know - I may never find a man like him ever again. And now I have to worry about getting my life in order without him potentially being in it and raising a child. Who would want a woman with a child, formerly engaged and a cheater. It's three dings against me.

 

Sorry to say this, but I wish you had thought of this BEFORE you chose to cheat on him.

 

Honestly, all you can do now is fix "you", try to stay calm and healthy for the sake of your unborn baby. Focus on your pregnancy and let your fiancee have space so he can figure things out on his own. If he needs to talk to you, he'll call you..Otherwise back off of him. He's dealing with alot, his whole life got turned upside down. I mentioned this before, but why is it so hard for you to put yourself in his shoes? You said YOU were cheated upon in the past, yet you go and cheat on him, knowing full well how it feels to be betrayed. Those are the type of things you need to talk about in counselling. Right now your fiancee doesn't see any real remorse, just justifications and reaction from you, reaction out of desparation and emotions. He doesn't trust you.

 

A mutual friend called me this morning telling me that he was at the bar with my fiance and he was literally crying and drinking. He apparently didn't even try to hide his tears..just stared at the tv crying in front of all the patrons and was cutoff and asked to leave. I think he's having a breakdown but he won't let me in. His friend is really concerned for him and is surprised my fiance would even be interested in a strip club. Apparently he was at the bar for an hour, his friend went to a grocery store and got him beer at his request.

 

He is handling it the best way he can right now. Like it or not.

 

I don't want to see him in this pain, I want to help him even if that means stay out of the picture. What do I do?!!!?! He never drinks...is he now on the slippery slope of becoming an alcoholic? 31 year old man drowning his sorrows in alcohol...he's a dad..shouldn't he be more smart? What if he got a DWI or ended up slamming into a bridge..this time he had a DD...what about next time??

 

You can't help him. He will go get help through counselling, get support by talking to friends. If he wants to talk to you, JUST LISTEN TO HIM, allow HIM to say what's on his mind. And, answer honestly all his questions if he decides to open up to you. don't justify, don't lie, don't hide anything. Be honest.

 

You cannot control how he feels, how he reacts.

[samsungxoxo]

If I was a pregnant fiancee about to get married and the man is supporting me then I would be extremely content. I would be treating Mr. Nice Guy like a KING (surprise him with supper, become more organized, help out more at home) instead of doing what you did... doing back to Mr. Jerk, the cheating ex. What good qualities did you see in a cheating ex who also happened to be an alcoholic??????

No wonder men are posting the same thing, threads after threads about why us women (generalizations) go back to bad, cheating jerks. Don't be surprise if your ex fiance starts getting that mentality of women only going for jerks and cheaters. This is what you created and now he will probably end up with stereotypes apply to us as whole. How sad!!!!!!!!

 

As for now keep going to counseling and figure out the real reason behind cheating even when you knew what cheating feels like (you said you got cheated on before). Give him space as he's in extreme pain and obviously doesn't know how to handle all that just happened. He might still have feelings for you but at the same time can't trust you and feels disgusted with the act.

Edited January 29, 2010 by samsungxoxo

[lostsunsets]

Why are you *itching. You didn't want him to be the father anyway. He may still have to be a father. But he doesn't have to marry someone who doesn't love him. Someone who regrets getting pregnant by him, and not some cheating ex boyfriend. You deserve each other.

[Passion4Life]

Why are you *itching. You didn't want him to be the father anyway. He may still have to be a father. But he doesn't have to marry someone who doesn't love him. Someone who regrets getting pregnant by him, and not some cheating ex boyfriend. You deserve each other.

 

I think this is exactly what her fiancee is carrying all the time in his mind so she needs to erase it from his mind if its possible.

[sid3]

Your screwed IMHO. He is going to therapy to try and understand why you would hurt him so bad. He is going to therapy hoping that it will help with the pain he is feeling. He stares at the floor/refuses to speak because quite frankly, what you did to the relationship has left him speachless. I think it's probably taking him a lot of restrain to keep from going off and if he were forced to spill it in front of the counselor, you'd be told to walk, which, because your pregnant is the only reason he isn't already long gone. I doubt he will ever trust you again, and doubt he will decide to settle and marry a cheater. The odds are heavily stacked against you. I hope you have a healthy baby.

[hoping2heal]

I got his cell phone and figured out his code, his text messages to everyone were about me and how horrible I was and how poor of a mother I would be. He said he hoped it wasn't his baby and that I could run off to my ex as far as he was concerned. One of his friends suggested he go with him to a strip club, casino and try to get laid this weekend.....I can't beleive that.

 

Okay, this was a no-no. You have already broken his trust and you are just doing more and more to never, ever get it back. Not that it matters, he does not want a relationship with you any more.

 

 

As bad as it sounds, I want to see whats on his computer as I think he's been up to something himself. He doesn't drink, he doesn't go to strip clubs and certainly trying to get laid by a stranger....so this is unusual.

 

He is grieving, it is not uncommon for people who are amidst terrible grief to act out in sometimes unhealthy or destructive ways. You are no longer his fiance, he has ended your relationship. He doesn't want to be with you and he will never be able to look at you in a positive light again. You may want to see his computer out of curiousity; I just hope you realise you have no right too.

 

Its a good sign though that he let me kiss him many times right? He was kissing back at times also..that has to be good?

 

Is it a good sign that while his judgement was impaired and he was disoriented he kissed you? Well, seeing as how as soon as he had slept off the alchohol and was more clear headed he asked you to leave- no, it isn't a good sign. It meant nothing other than he was inebriated and when he wasn't? He didn't want you around.

[hoping2heal]

I know - I may never find a man like him ever again. And now I have to worry about getting my life in order without him potentially being in it and raising a child. Who would want a woman with a child, formerly engaged and a cheater. It's three dings against me.

 

Not just that, but I think you had better take what he said seriously. He told you if the child was his he planned to go for full custody. I believe he was serious.

 

A mutual friend called me this morning telling me that he was at the bar with my fiance and he was literally crying and drinking. He apparently didn't even try to hide his tears..just stared at the tv crying in front of all the patrons and was cutoff and asked to leave. I think he's having a breakdown but he won't let me in.

 

No, of course he is not letting you in. As I and others have said, he is seeing you in a new light. All the pain he is going through right now he is going to attribute to you and it's likely that for this reason he will never want to be back in a relationship with you. It's very basic, simple principle. You place your hand on a hot burner and get a 3rd degree burn; when the opportunity presents itself..do you ever put your hand on that same burner while it's hot again? Absolutely not, you don't ever want that pain again.

 

 

His friend is really concerned for him and is surprised my fiance would even be interested in a strip club. Apparently he was at the bar for an hour, his friend went to a grocery store and got him beer at his request.

 

I'm not a fan of his friend. What the hell is his so called friend doing calling the woman who cheated on him and giving her updates? If there's one thing I can see about your fiance? He trusts allll the wrong people.

 

I don't want to see him in this pain, I want to help him even if that means stay out of the picture. What do I do?!!!?! He never drinks...is he now on the slippery slope of becoming an alcoholic? 31 year old man drowning his sorrows in alcohol...he's a dad..shouldn't he be more smart? What if he got a DWI or ended up slamming into a bridge..this time he had a DD...what about next time??

 

Sugar, you are about the last person to start judging him and thinking HE needs to be more "smart". I hope he doesn't become an alchoholic, I hope he snaps out of this. Yes, you need to stay out of it. Stay away from him, stop being so manipulative like you are being lately, and leave the poor guy alone. You have a lot of growing up to do and you need to start facing that reality so you can at least be a good mother to your child.

[tabitha1985]

Well I appreciate everyone's input and advice...no reason to keep beating a dead horse.

 

The cousnelor called me about 5 minutes ago and i'm litterally crying as I'm writing this. He told the counselor he would not be back for any other sessions and he asked that she relay a message to me basically saying to not contact him again until the child is about to be born so that he can be present for the birth and to provide a DNA sample.

 

The counselor told me that he has checked out but left the door open. I asked for more details but she said she was not at liberty to say. No idea what that means but I will respect his wishes and not bother him until i'm about to go into labor.

 

It's going to be so difficult, I feel so alone and the messed up part is I woudl rather have my ex by my side than no one. I know I will get ridiculed for that but you guys don't get it. He was my world, my everything and now he's gone. I've been crying all day...I'm stressed and its not good for the child...I dont want a pity party I jsut want to know how I''m supposed to move on.

 

Does he really mean that...no contact, no calls no anything until right before the child is born? What does that mean the door is left open.

 

I don't feel the counselor did a good job with this problem...she told me to be more gentle, listen, not interrupt and he basically coudl say or cut me off as much as he wanted. She didn't try to form a workable solution...she just wanted him to talk and the few times he talked he got more and more pissed. I'm getting a new counselor.

 

Anyways..I'm done posting on here...some of the folks who responds have been great...some of the others have been down right mean.

 

I made my bed...now I must sleep in it..I get it.

[ella23]

The counsellor said she was not at liberty to tell you what that meant?

[sid3]

Nobody has been mean, just honest. The only comfort and good feelings you'll get are from other people who have also cheated. Your best bet would be to give him the space he wants, maybe he be able to forgive you in time. For the sake of your baby, I think you should find a new therapist and work on your issues.It will help you manage your stress and be healthy for your unborn. At least your taking resonsibility for your actions, thats a start.

[whichwayisup]

Don't leave LS. You need a place to vent, a place for support. Sure some have been hard on you..But you also got some nicer replies that can help you through this awful time.

 

Your fiancee has the right to change his mind, he has and you need to respect and honour his wishes by leaving him alone.

 

I know your world is going to be different, it's going to be hard - Change isn't easy, but you will get through this. It'll make you stronger..It'll help CHANGE YOU so you don't ever cheat again. It'll make you stop and think of consquences..

 

Take care of your health. Continue with therapy on your own and rely on friends and family to help you.

[hoping2heal]

Well I appreciate everyone's input and advice...no reason to keep beating a dead horse.

 

The cousnelor called me about 5 minutes ago and i'm litterally crying as I'm writing this. He told the counselor he would not be back for any other sessions and he asked that she relay a message to me basically saying to not contact him again until the child is about to be born so that he can be present for the birth and to provide a DNA sample.

 

The counselor told me that he has checked out but left the door open. I asked for more details but she said she was not at liberty to say. No idea what that means but I will respect his wishes and not bother him until i'm about to go into labor.

 

Checked out = done with a relationship, can no longer invest in it. Door left open = if it IS his child, he is willing to be in the Child's life instead of just buck and run altogether. As I mentioned before, be prepared because I do think he is going to make a go at full custody.

 

It's going to be so difficult, I feel so alone and the messed up part is I woudl rather have my ex by my side than no one. I know I will get ridiculed for that but you guys don't get it. He was my world, my everything and now he's gone. I've been crying all day...I'm stressed and its not good for the child...I dont want a pity party I jsut want to know how I''m supposed to move on.

 

One day at a time. You are learning a very hard lesson about the consequences of our actions and how some things once done..can NEVER be undone. You need to get into personal counselling so you can sort yourself out. What is your RS like with your parents?

 

 

Does he really mean that...no contact, no calls no anything until right before the child is born? What does that mean the door is left open.

 

Yes, he really means that. That is why he asked a neutral third party to relay the message to you, instead of doing it himself. He has no desire to contact you or be in contact with you. I already explained what door is open means in this context since he has already said he checked out.

 

I don't feel the counselor did a good job with this problem...she told me to be more gentle, listen, not interrupt and he basically coudl say or cut me off as much as he wanted. She didn't try to form a workable solution...she just wanted him to talk and the few times he talked he got more and more pissed. I'm getting a new counselor.

 

Okay - but you do realise your counselor couldn't fix your RS right? Two people need to be willing to work on a problem to solve it and it's the counselors job to give two willing parties the tools to fix the problem. She may or may not have been a good counselor but you shouldn't feel that just because she couldn't make your ex fiance want to stay..it makes her a bad counselor. That said, I would of ditched her simply for telling you what she did and then claiming she wasn't at liberty to discuss. She went from professional to gossip girl and I didn't quite understand it.

 

Anyways..I'm done posting on here...some of the folks who responds have been great...some of the others have been down right mean.

 

I made my bed...now I must sleep in it..I get it.

 

Well, yes I know some people have been harsh to you. I do hope you will at least take away the core truths. To work on yourself, better yourself, and learn to take responsibility so you don't end up here again in the future.

[CarrieT]

The right-to-lifers are going to slam me, but considering you are in your first trimester and are admittedly having these issues between the two men, perhaps an abortion is a consideration.

 

Sorry, but the father of the child wants nothing to do with you and now you have to consider what your life will be, raising a child alone.

 

I know there are those who will call this advice cruel, but it was certainly the first thing I would have considered for myself if I found myself in such a situation; a chance to wipe the slate clean, as it were...

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm pregnant, I'm getting bigger and I don't feel that he is attracted to me anymore. My hormones are raging and I want him to show me he loves me...is that too much to ask?

 

I'd bet good money he isn't attracted you because of being pregnant, he lost attraction because you are a cheater.

 

You want him to show you he loves you? is that too much to ask? Considering the circumstances....YES!!!

 

It is YOU that needs to be busting YOUR ass to show him that you love him. You effed him over woman. He isn't just going to be all popping with love coming out of his eyeballs after what you did.

 

The burden of initiating and showing affection now lies with you, not the other way around. YOU are the cheater here, remember?