Cheated on my fiance....now what..

[shadowplay]

This is really weird. I could have sworn your fiance started a thread about you on here fairly recently. The details were all the same down to what you did with your ex, your expecting a baby, and him talking to your mother on the phone. But now I can't find the thread, but I'm positive I read it. Did anyone else pick up on this?

 

Did your mother cry and basically beg him to take you back? This is another detail I remember from the thread.

[road]

I have just started to read you thread.

 

First you need a new counselor. Men do not get turned on by hot baths and rose petals on the floor.

 

Your F is to messed up to want to get laid. Nothing to do with you being ugly because you are pregnant.

 

Your affair will take about six months for your BH to mentally process what happened. Then he will go through an anger phase at about six months out that can last for another six months.

 

Recovery takes two to five years. Your F will need to dig for details and ask questions for months to come.

[road]

"He told me that he wanted all my passwords and logins to everything and wanted complete transparency. I don't feel like I should be put under constant surveillance. It's controlling and makes me uncomfortable."

 

Yes you want to be free to cheat again.

 

"I know I betrayed his trust and loyalty but why put these kinds of stipulations on things...it doesn't help mend trust. "

 

Yes it does. He can verify if you are telling the truth. Thats how trust is rebuilt. Never will go back to 100%.

 

"I want intimacy with him, I miss it and crave it."

 

He craves trust. Can't have I without T.

[road]

Won't be transparent.

 

Offended about a DNA test.

 

Can't believe there is a uhaul when you got home.

 

Can't believe you.

[tabitha1985]

My ex and I talked on the phone Sunday, I didn't bring up the question of abortion but I suppose it's an option out there. I may never bring it up to him and I don't want him to feel the guilt and he clearly holds a lot of hostility towards me. If anything, I'll make my decision and depending on what it is tell him I lost the baby. Giving him full custody isn't an option.

 

Road:

 

There really was a UHaul there - he apparently had his decision made up before we got to the counselor's office. His friend drove it there and it was waiting before he got home. He is not one to sit around, once his decision is made he pretty much goes with it.

 

I flat out asked him if he was ready to move on and move forward without me and he said he never intended to have things the way they are, and is upset at me for driving this relationship into the ditch.

 

I've been talking to the counselor and she thinks its best I move forward under the assumption he is done and moved on.

 

I know he went to the strip club with his friend, I don't know what all he did but I assume he did something. I can't really ask him...it shouldn't matter but it does.

 

Before hanging up on our phone conversation with my ex, I invited him out to eat and talk in person and he said 'we'll see".

[ella23]

My ex and I talked on the phone Sunday, I didn't bring up the question of abortion but I suppose it's an option out there. I may never bring it up to him and I don't want him to feel the guilt and he clearly holds a lot of hostility towards me. If anything, I'll make my decision and depending on what it is tell him I lost the baby. Giving him full custody isn't an option.

 

Road:

 

There really was a UHaul there - he apparently had his decision made up before we got to the counselor's office. His friend drove it there and it was waiting before he got home. He is not one to sit around, once his decision is made he pretty much goes with it.

 

I flat out asked him if he was ready to move on and move forward without me and he said he never intended to have things the way they are, and is upset at me for driving this relationship into the ditch.

 

I've been talking to the counselor and she thinks its best I move forward under the assumption he is done and moved on.

 

I know he went to the strip club with his friend, I don't know what all he did but I assume he did something. I can't really ask him...it shouldn't matter but it does.

 

Before hanging up on our phone conversation with my ex, I invited him out to eat and talk in person and he said 'we'll see".

What was his tone like? As hostile as before?

I think if you want to have an abortion, you should not lie to him. But that's just my opinion. You've got to do what's best for you.

Do you want the baby?

[tabitha1985]

His tone was ok until I apologized again for what happened and then he got upset. He claims the back rubbing, stomach rubbing and hair holding were far more intimate than how I presented them and he got upset.

 

I want the baby, I want a loving happy healthy home for the child. The ex is a great provider and I know he would be a great father.

 

I can't get the strip club out of my head and what he may have been doing there. I know he has a high drive...and he hasn't got anything from me in weeks...

[ella23]

His tone was ok until I apologized again for what happened and then he got upset. He claims the back rubbing, stomach rubbing and hair holding were far more intimate than how I presented them and he got upset.

 

I want the baby, I want a loving happy healthy home for the child. The ex is a great provider and I know he would be a great father.

 

I can't get the strip club out of my head and what he may have been doing there. I know he has a high drive...and he hasn't got anything from me in weeks...

Stop thinking about the strip club and what happened there. That's the least of your concerns at this point of time.

Maybe he fooled around, maybe he didn't. But you can be certain that he did not do anything that can be compared to what you did (physical and emotional cheating).

Obviously he still has feelings for you. But he needs time to be able to deal with the pain. Maybe he'll want to get back with you as time goes by. Especially if you have the baby.

You will have to be patient and continue with counselling. Don't break contact with him if you think keeping in touch might help you have him back.

If you think that you're best off having an abortion, then do that.

But if you decide not to keep the baby, then I don't see why you won't just have the baby and give him full custody.

Edited February 1, 2010 by ella23

[stillafool]

His tone was ok until I apologized again for what happened and then he got upset. He claims the back rubbing, stomach rubbing and hair holding were far more intimate than how I presented them and he got upset.

 

I want the baby, I want a loving happy healthy home for the child. The ex is a great provider and I know he would be a great father.

 

Is this the only reason you want to hold on to this man?

 

I can't get the strip club out of my head and what he may have been doing there. I know he has a high drive...and he hasn't got anything from me in weeks...

 

I can't believe that all you seem to care about is your needs and wants. So what if he is at a strip club and stays there all day and night. The man deserves 150 free (really nasty) lap dances for all you have put him through. And, if you think you can't get the strip club out of your head imagine the pictures of you and that man that your ex can't get out of his head.

[hoping2heal]

His tone was ok until I apologized again for what happened and then he got upset. He claims the back rubbing, stomach rubbing and hair holding were far more intimate than how I presented them and he got upset.

 

I want the baby, I want a loving happy healthy home for the child. The ex is a great provider and I know he would be a great father.

 

I can't get the strip club out of my head and what he may have been doing there. I know he has a high drive...and he hasn't got anything from me in weeks...

 

Tabitha you are really not being realistic at this point. He has no desire to reconcile with you and yet you are going on about how you want the baby to have a loving, happy, healthy home with the wonderful provider ex. That isn't even an option at this point. Also, you mentioned talking to him on the phone..who called whom?

 

I think there is no point in worrying about what he did at that strip club. That is his business now, he is not with you.

 

You really need to start accepting reality and start focusing on what you are going to do with yourself and your life. I agree with everyone that you really keep only thinking of yourself and your needs and wants. I know you are young but you need to start thinking about what kind of role model and example you want to set for your baby.

[phineas]

My STBXW was pregnant when I found out she had a boyfriend.

That is the only reason I didn't kick her out.

She had cut all contact with OM before I found out when she got pregnant.

 

She swore to everyone, even her father she never slept with OM.

 

After she had the baby, she went right back to him behind my back.

Right up until I found her sending nude photo's & movies to OM & called his family & heard the truth from them, she denied sleeping with him.

 

Even when she knew his family & his GF said my wife had been his GF for almost two yrs. then she broke it off.

 

Then got him to break up with his present GF.

 

OM admited to sleeping with my wife.

 

My wife still denied sleeping with him.

In fact, my wife acts like our divorce is a mutual thing because we as a couple didn't work out.

 

She's checked out of reality.

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't believe OP spent the night in a hotel room with another man & didn't sleep with him.

 

I doubt her ex-fiancee believes that also.

 

I think the OP is not being honest with herself & deffinetly not being honest with us here.

[tabitha1985]

I called him - I know I will regret this for the rest of my life. I want to try to make it work and have been listening to his ideas and doing what he has asked.

 

I think there is hope, I have faith it'll work out. But I have prepared myself that it may not and have been saving money, moved in with some friends and have been continuing to go to counseling.

 

If he can quickly fool around with a nasty stripper then what's that say about him? I know its the pot calling the kettle black but i didn't have sex with the ex.

[ella23]

I called him - I know I will regret this for the rest of my life. I want to try to make it work and have been listening to his ideas and doing what he has asked.

 

I think there is hope, I have faith it'll work out. But I have prepared myself that it may not and have been saving money, moved in with some friends and have been continuing to go to counseling.

 

If he can quickly fool around with a nasty stripper then what's that say about him? I know its the pot calling the kettle black but i didn't have sex with the ex.

Some people feel like taking revenge and act out of anger (assuming he actually did something at the strip club).

The very fact that he answered your call and spoke to you is something positive.

He needs time to heal. You'll have to be very patient.

[Malenfant]

I called him - I know I will regret this for the rest of my life. I want to try to make it work and have been listening to his ideas and doing what he has asked.

 

I think there is hope, I have faith it'll work out. But I have prepared myself that it may not and have been saving money, moved in with some friends and have been continuing to go to counseling.

 

If he can quickly fool around with a nasty stripper then what's that say about him? I know its the pot calling the kettle black but i didn't have sex with the ex.

 

i've been reading this thread with much interest.

 

you're completely unable to see the reality of this situation.

its isnt about what it says about him, its about what you've done to him.

 

i know this will fall on deaf ears because although you've had some very good advice on here, you're still only thinking of yourself.

 

proper, actual love means caring so much about your partner that you'd do anything to make them happy. and, if needs be, that includes abiding by their wishes and leaving him the hell alone

 

you dont love him, you love what he does for you. you dont seem to be able to imagine how he is feeling. its all about what you want, what you need.

 

this isnt about you, this is about the fact that you've deeply hurt this man, and you seem to think that honesty alone is enough for him to forgive you.

 

thats not why a person needs to be honest, a person is honest because their partner deserves it. they deserve respect. what they choose to do with that information is 100% up to them, and he doesnt owe you a single thing.

[FryFish]

I dont know if its different wherever you live but you dont have sex with the strippers at clubs... I mean, not unless you have a LOT of money to blow. Given what I know about your ex from what you posted in here I am guessing that his strip club experience went something like:

Drinking too much.

getting a couple of lap dances

paying a stripper to sit and listen to him cry about you.

[hoping2heal]

I called him -

Why? Didn't he just ask for his space? Yet you feel need to intrude.

 

I know I will regret this for the rest of my life. I want to try to make it work and have been listening to his ideas and doing what he has asked.

 

No actually, you haven't. You rummage through his phone when he is passed out, you call him after he asked you to leave him be. You still are thinking of no one but yourself; believe me that is not who this guy wants to go back with. The only thing everything you've done lately has proved is that you haven't learned one, not one thing from what you did to him and you are not about to take responsibility for it.

 

I think there is hope, I have faith it'll work out.

 

I don't. It's not that it couldn't work out, it's that the only way this man will ever be able to trust you again is if you give him a reason too. So far you have not only ignored everything he's told you, you keep trying to find a way to manipulate him and the situation and you still have thought only of yourself. Unless this guy is a real idiot, he isn't going to go back to someone who doesn't understand how to take responsibilities for their actions.

 

 

But I have prepared myself that it may not and have been saving money, moved in with some friends and have been continuing to go to counseling.

 

I'm glad, I think you do need to prepare for that because even though he is vulnerable right now, I can't see you manipulating your way around this one.

 

If he can quickly fool around with a nasty stripper then what's that say about him? I know its the pot calling the kettle black but i didn't have sex with the ex.

 

You don't know he's done anything with a nasty stripper, but the fact that you are making judgements about him doesn't speak well about things. You did something worse than sex, you were emotional with him. It wasn't just your body involved- which is plenty bad to a man..but your heart was also. Your ex isn't as stupid as you're hoping he is.

[hoping2heal]

Some people feel like taking revenge and act out of anger (assuming he actually did something at the strip club).

The very fact that he answered your call and spoke to you is something positive.

He needs time to heal. You'll have to be very patient.

 

I disagree it is positive he has answered. This just happened and the wound is still fresh. About the only thing it says that he answered is that while he is angry and upset about what happened? He has not yet come to full circle terms with it. Nor, how could he? This JUST happened. If he does do a "revenge screw" he will probably realise that revenge can't make the betrayel, hurt, and resentment subside and that being around her will always trigger those feelings and that isn't the feelings he wants.

 

If you can cheat on him while pregnant and engaged to him; he's always going to wonder where you draw your line at. He's still in love with the old idea of who he thought this woman was, and once he comes to terms with who she actually is..he will think back OP on the actions you are taking now, and how every one of them revolves around you and like I said before..and can you really blame him? He's not going to put himself in that unless he's an idiot.

 

I was one of the people who tried to be honest but gentle with you but I'm telling you, I can't in good conscience root for a guy to get back with his fiance when she is still this selfish and manipulative. You have caused great pain and it hasn't humbled you one lick. You are just busy buzzing away trying to figure out how you will plot your next move to get your way. I've seen what women like that can do and quite frankly no one deserves that pain. He doesn't need to be taken down just because you're a wrecking ball. If I saw an ounce of real remorse on your behalf..I'd have a little more faith in you as a person. So far I haven't seen it. The only thing you have been sorry for is how this will disrupt your life and affect you. That is it.

[SoleMate]

Once you cheat, you broke it and it's up to you to fix it.

 

Giving him all your passwords, logins, cell phone numbers, emails, etc. is a necessary step for you to provide the transparency which is the only possible hope of rebuilding trust.

 

Poor little embryo...being conceived into a broken home...

[ella23]

I disagree it is positive he has answered. This just happened and the wound is still fresh. About the only thing it says that he answered is that while he is angry and upset about what happened? He has not yet come to full circle terms with it. Nor, how could he? This JUST happened. If he does do a "revenge screw" he will probably realise that revenge can't make the betrayel, hurt, and resentment subside and that being around her will always trigger those feelings and that isn't the feelings he wants.

 

I get what you're saying. What I meant was that in a sense it's a positive that he answered and spoke to her, which he was clearly refusing to do earlier.

[shadowplay]

This is really weird. I could have sworn your fiance started a thread about you on here fairly recently. The details were all the same down to what you did with your ex, your expecting a baby, and him talking to your mother on the phone. But now I can't find the thread, but I'm positive I read it. Did anyone else pick up on this?

 

Did your mother cry and basically beg him to take you back? This is another detail I remember from the thread.

 

Did anyone else see this thread or am I totally losing my mind??

 

The bizarre thing is I can't find it now anywhere on the site. It must have been deleted.

[ella23]

Did anyone else see this thread or am I totally losing my mind??

 

The bizarre thing is I can't find it now anywhere on the site. It must have been deleted.

I recall reading something similar about a pregnant fiancee, but I don't recall the rest of the details.

[shadowplay]

I recall reading something similar about a pregnant fiancee, but I don't recall the rest of the details.

 

The details were all the same, I'm pretty sure. I wish I could link the OP to it because it'd give her some insight into what he was going through, but now it's gone.

[ella23]

The details were all the same, I'm pretty sure. I wish I could link the OP to it because it'd give her some insight into what he was going through, but now it's gone.

Yeah...but why would it be deleted?

[BUENG1]

Yeah...but why would it be deleted?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t218844/

[ella23]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t218844/

I wonder if that's her ex-fiance.