Can I win him back?

[cberry297]

After having been told by my husband of 22 years that he no longer loved me, I am trying everything in the world to make him want me again. I have lost 40 lbs started wearing makeup and doing my hair everyday just like I did in the beggining. I stoped bothering him about why he doesen't want me anymore, calling him for any reason I can think of and I am no longer trying to figure out where he is at all hours of the night. I know why should I want someone that doesen't want me, but I love him and its our family at stake. This family is my life and he is a part of that. I have read all the things about midlife crisis and am trying to give him his space. My question is does any of this make a difference? It doesen't seem to be working but its only been a short time that I have started leaveing him alone. He won't look at me ,talk to me or anything. I feel so lost, some advice would be very helpful! Thank you!

[Butterflair]

Sorry that you are going through this. I don't think anything you do now will make him change his mind. He is on his own journey and has to figure it out on his own. Giving you the silent treatment is mentally abusive and no one deserves that. It's great that you lost weight and are wearing makeup, start doing it for YOU now and not for him. Do things to feel better about yourself and make a plan to move forward with your life.

 

It sounds like he has another woman and you can't compete with that. It has to play out on it's own and chances are he will find out that it's not greener and he really made a mistake.

 

The family will survive, it will be broken and different but it will still be a family. Hang in there.

[LisaUk]

Cberry, I know how you feel, all of us that have been left feel this way in the beginning. It's very painful and you feel desperate to win them back. Sometimes i still do and it's been 10 months for me since he left.

 

The truth is, al difficult as it is to hear, is that he is in the affair fog right now and there is little if nothing you can do. The only glimer (and it may not work to get him back) is the 180. Google Divorce busting or the hommer method I have heard on here is working for some. Both of these methods advocate working on things for yourself, so if he comes back, great, if not you will be in a better position to let go.

 

Sweetie, whatever he told you his reasons fo rleaving or the affair were, I promise you this is not your doing. This is not b/c you stopped wearing make up or doing your hair or put on a few pounds, this is his issue. No one deserves to be cheated on or wlaked away from without chance to address the problems in the marriage, it's called commitment for a reason. To split when you have tried first is one thing, to have an affair or to wlak is quite another. You didn't do anything to deserve this.

 

It does sound like your H may be in MLC here's a link www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com that might help you make sense of it all.

 

Hugs.

[wowlifeiscrazy]

So you think that it's best for the family if your husband comes back to you? I think it's kind of dillusional how us woman think these days. A man that made vows to us and claimed they love us could just walk away and not have a sad feeling towards it? You want a man that could care less about you? How is that best for your family again? And if he did come back... what would you gain? A man that wont even look at you and face up to what he has done? There probably is another woman, thats what it sounds like, cuz that's how my situation was and its eerily similair. Wouldn't it be best for your "family" if you just started loving you! If you really "loved" yourself, then you wouldn't want to be put in a situation like that where he will more than likely do the same thing again if he does by some chance come back. It's not whats best for your family.. It's what's best for you and what feels good. It hurts to be treated like garbage from someone so I understand that but if you really looked at it with a clear head, you would see a whole different side then you see...

[WTFO]

So you think that it's best for the family if your husband comes back to you? I think it's kind of dillusional how us woman think these days. A man that made vows to us and claimed they love us could just walk away and not have a sad feeling towards it? You want a man that could care less about you? How is that best for your family again? And if he did come back... what would you gain? A man that wont even look at you and face up to what he has done? There probably is another woman, thats what it sounds like, cuz that's how my situation was and its eerily similair. Wouldn't it be best for your "family" if you just started loving you! If you really "loved" yourself, then you wouldn't want to be put in a situation like that where he will more than likely do the same thing again if he does by some chance come back. It's not whats best for your family.. It's what's best for you and what feels good. It hurts to be treated like garbage from someone so I understand that but if you really looked at it with a clear head, you would see a whole different side then you see...

 

Great advise. I'm going on Separation month 10 too Lisa, and I met somebody in Nov. Shes a great girl. Now the stbx is getting out of the fog and is hinting on how shes not compatible with anyone, etc. I don't know if its her way to keep me close. I still miss her,but do realize if she could hurt me once she could do it again. I'm so confused..lol.

 

Bottom line cberry, he might come around and realize he messed up. Do we give them another chance or just move on. I'm in that dilemma myself. Good luck.

[mimidarlin]

How long can we wait for that second chance? I'm starting to feel myself "separating" from him. I am starting to not give a s*** about what he wants. I don't want him back if he doesn't want to be back.

 

Today we talked about this issue. He doesn't feel that he wants to come back...that he can resurrect those feelings towards me. I told him that I'll live without him. I may not love in the same way again but I'll try. I am trying to be patient and give him space. It's a work in progress but I getting better. How will I feel if he does decide that he can resurrect those feelings in 2-3 months? Will I still be open to it or will I have moved on? I've started contemplating pursuing dating again. It's been two months of separation. I am working on myself...losing weight, exercising...trying to find ways to branch out. I need to prepare myself to reenter the dating world at the least.