BF with an Internet Fling??? Im so clueless on what to do!!!

[Sockergurl13]

I wrote to this site a couple days ago, and although my initial query was long, i felt it was lacking the substantial backgound information needed, and as was lacking more than i thought...both sides of the story.

 

I met my boyfriend 14 months ago, he's 24 years old, goreous, incredibly in shape (he used to model for fitness magazines), and the best personality..although shy. AT the point that i had met him, he had been single for 6 years, seeing his high school sweetheart of 4 years broke up with him for another guy and he was heartbroken. Instead of dating, he spent his time working out and being healthy, and found his way into modeling. While he claims hes gone on a ton of dates, he simply says that he never met anyone he felt was worth his time...no one compatible to him...until i came along...

 

We had our fights in the beginning. Me being only 20, and unable to go out with him...he felt restrained. We got over that. Then he had a hard time opening up to me, and sharing himself...him being on his own without somoene to share anything with for 6 years...we got over that. Then, having been cheated on before...i became worried, seeing all the attention he got from other women. And while he payed them no attention in return, being complatley loyal to me...i turned the worry into pride for my good-looking man. Of course...i got a lot of attention to, and when he saw that as a threat, i told him to shrug it off, it was no big deal...(hypocritical of me???)

 

We spend most of our time together. When im not playing soccer for my college, or at school, and when hes not at work...we work out together 6 days a week, i basically live at his place with him, and while we spend all of our time together for the most part, it is still what we wish to do....seeing there being nothing we would want to do more...and this continues...14 months into a relationship.

 

Things began getting rocky a month and a half ago. He had a lot of drama at work, and took the problems into our relationship by fighting with me. The he began working short hours of overtime, so we could go on a vacation...when i didnt see the money on his paychecks, i began to doubt him....(they showed up the following paycheck..and i reminded myself that he would call me from work while he was working this overtime)

 

We took a short break. I told him if he felt the need to, to go out. He asked if i was, and i told him that i needed to concentrate on school, and "finding myself without him." (only because i was forgetting who i was without him, being with him so much..and thats scary..) I went on a couple dates with this guy i met at a Halloween party, and while things were exciting, seeing he was only opposite my boyfriend, they werent worth ruining anything with my man. So i stopped that after a couple weeks.

 

We decided that we wanted to be with one another, and only one another...he told me he didnt go on dates, just sat at home and worked out, hoping i would come back to him after the break we took.

 

When we got back together, it was about time for me to go on a 10 day vacation...where i was going required me to not be able to communicate with him for at least 7 of the days...we thought it was well needed...the time apart to appreciate one another more. We are still boyfriend-girlfriend at this point.

 

2 days before i leave on my vacation i do something i shouldnt have done. I checked his e-mail. Like i mentioned earlier...i had "that feeling" i got when i was cheated on previously. I had never done it before, but i figured...what harm would it do?

 

I found an e-mail from a girl with the same name as mine...ironic? It wa simple, boring, and pretty much platonic. Except at the end when she mentioned her friend said my boyfriend was "good-looking, sexy, and good under pressure...in excatly that order." My first thoughts are, "he never met this chick...and why would someone who knows he has a girlfriend write that??" He called me 30 seconds later...asking me if i had chekced his e-mail...i said yes...we got into a fight...he calls me paranoid and crazy..tells me she said that because he asked what her friend said about him...and then the vacation came...well-needed.

 

While i was gone, he wrote me about 2 love e-mails a day...they made me cry. We talk briefly on the phone here and there, when i am in places that allowed me to. Talk of nothing but missing one anohter, and the fact that we should never take each other for granted....blah blah blah.

 

I come home the first night, the day before Christmas Eve, and go to his place and he has post-it notes on the floor, leading a path to one of my christmas presents...the notes had sweet things on them. This was a shock, my boyfriend is hardly the "sentimental" kind. I was so happy. Things the following week after were bliss. Probably the best week in the entire 14 months we were together. I found him happier, sweeter, nicer, and doing more things for me that he would have before. He was finally the boyfriend i always saw in him....

 

The Problem...

 

Two nights ago, he checked his e-mail and left the screen up, and took a shower. Of course he changed his password since the last non-trusting move i busted. I was sitting on the bed, and literally twiddling my thumbs...oooo i wanted to check so bad. Not because i wanted to catch him, bit i hadnt thought of this other girl since the first time i found out about her...after all, he said "Shes a friend of a girl at work who wanted to set us up. She didnt know i had a girlfriend, and i told her when she told me of this friend. We agreed i would talk to her as a friend. She means nothing to me, i dont even plan to ever meet her OR talk to her on the phone....besides, what do you have to worry, you know youre my one and only...and she knows i am so taken.."

 

So here iam , going through his inbox...nothing. Then i check the sent mail...ding ding ding!! Found em'! Turns out they only talked about 4 times while i was on vacation...he had just started talking to her when i found the first e-mail. There was a gap between the last e-mail they wrote and when i was sitting there reading it of about 6 days. So i read over them real fast, hoping he was taking a long shower...which he did, thank heavens!

 

They were short, and boring. Talk of what went on during their weekends, and work stuff. Shes the same age as him....they have a little more in common in that area than i can offer. Then she talked about how sorry she was to hear of his "hurt cousin from the bad accident.." Right....i never heard of such an instance...ok i thought...this is getting good.

 

Im rouding the last e-mail thanking that i read htese and i wouldnt go it again, beause he didnt lie to me...when BAM...she starts off her e-mail, "wow, you opened up a can of worms with that questions...so you want to know what my ideal date would be..??"

Ouch....he asked her that? I was in shock, and i started to shake compulsively.

 

I read his response. This is what kills me. He wrote her about this awesomely romantic date of ice skating, a nice dinner, hot chocolate, and a lot of cuddling, because he loves to cuddle so its a must...sounds great, and real familiar....why?? Well on our first date together, 14 months ago...i tol dhim that was MY ideal date...ass.

 

I immediately exited the account and put my e-mails on the screen...shaking, i couldnt look at him and wouldnt touch him. I didnt know what to do. I wanted to bust him out, but i read his e-mail AGAIN...and i got caught the first time....It kills me because he trusts me with all he has...and here i am reading his e-mail, invading his privacy...but i guess i should have...BUT...the e-mails were written while i was away, we had fought, and they havent written one another since i got home, or so i know...

 

I talked to numerous people. Some tell me that i should leave him seeing hes planning a future girlfriend. I think thats extreme. I know he wouldnt cheat on my physically, im not completeley (i try to convince myself) worried about that...

 

Ohters say to not forget about it, but dont dwell on it.

 

Im stuck. I stopped talking to the guy i went on a couple dates with because my boyferiend said it made him uncomofrtable. I mentioned numerous time i hated him talking to this girl becaus he hid her from me...if i hadnt found the intial e-mail, i would have never known of her...and he wont stop talking to her that i know about.

 

Why would he ask her such a question....and in all the e-mails, i never found mention of me...so much for her knowing he was taken, and asking questions like "whats your ideal date" wouldnt help proving that point either...it kills me because he sitll calls all day telling me he loves me and send sweet text messages...he still spends all his time with me, and things are better than ever...

 

So my questions are this:

 

What do i do? How do i go about it? What should i think? How do i react? Why is he doing this?

 

I know this happened while we were fighting and hadnt happened again since i came home..i know he didnt ask her to like have sex with him or anything, but the fact is this:

 

He never mentioned me. HE initated a "dating" conversation..while she was normally platonic in her e-mails, and he lied about it.

HELP!!!!!!

[AllyKat]

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

I do have a couple points I just want you to think about....

 

Why did they talk about ideal dates? I mean wouldnt you initiate that kind of talk if you were interested in getting to know that person, instead of something platonic?

 

Why did this guy use YOUR ideal date? That gives me the creeps.

 

Hurt cousin? You didnt know anything about this hurt cousin? Are you the hurt cousin he is talking about? Meaning is he finding excuses NOT to meet her and instead of being honest about you, he is making up a story like that?

 

Is it right invading his privacy? No, but is it right for him to be with you and talking to this girl? Someone he was meant to be set up with?

 

This is upsetting you, you need to talk to him at least! You cant be in a relationship that is hurting you, that is not love.

 

Your gut instinct led you to believe something was wrong, trust it. Trust your gut.

 

Keep your head, be calm and dont just rant at him. Then he will just call you crazy and YOURE NOT! Dont let him convince you that. Its simply not true.

 

Trust yourself and these feelings you are having. Being on the outside looking in, something doesnt seem right on his end. Dont let him play you..the balls in your court.

 

Good luck.

[Sockergurl13]

I totally know what you are saying AllyKat..

 

The points your brought up, i thought about..trust me...

 

That was the first thing that i thought when i saw the "ideal date" question...i mean, i even told him when we talked about that our first date that it was a great question to ask someone when you want to take them out....makes sense...and thats what made it hurt more to read that he wrote that.

 

i dont know why he would use MY ideal date..and it is creepy. I know he was probably thinking about it since we are supposed to fianlly go on it this weekend...to fianlly celebrate our year anniversary which happened during our break from one another...

 

 

I know in the e-mails they wrote, they never mentioned actually meeting or hanging out. The most that was mentioned, was she gave him her number and said if he didnt want to e-mail, he could always call her....thats what kind of bothers me..they have one anothers numbers...so even if i did read e-mails and they stopped..who says they havent talked on the phone??

 

Trust me...i want to talk to him...Im going insane. I have never loved anyone so much or given so much of myself to someone...and i want to trust him, i do. I have had a hard enough trusting men after i was cheated on the one time...it took me this long and to find him to be able to trust again...taking that into consideration i am sure you can understand that pain i am going through...

 

But...how do i bring such a thing up?? I mean i invaded his space again, without him knowing...wont i look like an ass telling him i did it again??

 

 

I always trust me gut instinct...thats why im where im at right now..stuck. But at least i know. And so i need help figuring out how to go abou ttalking to him...and when we do talk...do i fogive and forget...hoping it doesnt happen again...or do i move on??

 

Help!

[AllyKat]

Can you forgive and forget? Will you ever really trust him again?

 

Having been cheated on before, I do know its hard to trust. But, if someone has already broken that trust, I know ME, I couldnt/wouldnt ever really trust this guy again. I would always wonder, especially if I thought he was acting odd.

 

Go with your gut, when I didnt I got screwed. You yourself, you know you, go with what you feel.

 

If you want to talk to him about it, ask him if he ever talked to her on the phone? I mean, you KNOW he has, see if he lies to you. Just tell him you were wondering if he had ever called that girl, see what he says.

 

I do not understand why he did call her?! I mean he is in a relationship with YOU. Why be calling a woman who once wanted to date him?

[Sockergurl13]

Wow, i guess these sites really do help...i never went to them until now...with a last draw of hope for an answer.

 

I did ask him once if he talked to her on the phone, he said no...he had not intention to. Not even to meet her.

 

As for her wanting to meet/date him...teh story i know is this:

 

His friend from work was approached by a girl at work, and asked if Nick had a girl, since she wanted to hook him up with her friend. HIs friend said he didnt know... (i remember this because he told me about it the day it happened, thinking it was funny...not until recently have i tied it to this online chick). Well i guess he then talked to this girl from work and told her that he had a girlfriend, but wouldnt mind talking casually online wit her friend....whatever. He said he swore up and down that she knew he was a taken man. He mentioned that they talked briefly on his work online account..which could have been when he "told her he had a girlfriend..." or not...and then he told her to write his personal account...thats why i found the e-mail.

 

 

I dont know what to do...i mean...i want to say that by me going on dates with that one guy while we were on a break...i basically did the same thing...considering that is when he started talking to this girl...but i stopped...and by the e-mails shown...so did he...but thats not proven.

 

I dont know if they talked on the phone, that was never a proven thing either....im clueless on that...i only know that he has her phone number....

[EnigmaXOXO]

First: Why are you ‘pretending’ to trust him? Is it because you want to prove how secure you are? Or is this something he’s requested of you as some sign of your love and commitment?

 

You are ignoring your intuitions. STOP THAT. He’s been lying to you no matter how hard that is to accept right now…or what you’re methods were for finding out. He’s been busted. Plain and simple. So why are you the one that’s so embarrassed to let him know?

 

Second, why would someone request that you stop communicating with a friend of the opposite sex because “he was uncomfortable,” and then, after you agreed, turn around and start doing the same thing that he asked you not to do…worse yet, behind your back?

 

If anyone is being “hypocritical,” its your boyfriend. And his correspondence with this girl IS TOTALLY OUT OF LINE. It is not innocent. You are not being paranoid. She likes him, and he knows that. He’s deliberately encouraging her attention because HE LIKES IT, and he’s keeping it a secret from you.

 

Warning! Warning!....BAD BOYFRIEND BEHAVIOR!

 

Look, I know he’s gorgeous…and you’ve snared quite a prize for yourself. And tossing that nice arm piece into the trash heap might be a difficult thing to do. But what’s really underneath all that pretty packaging?

 

Sometimes the more attractive a person is, the more insecure they are about their looks and the more they will seek out attention from other people as a means of affirmation. He’s probably gotten so use to it, that it’s a difficult thing to give up. And you’re attractive too, which will only surmount his underlying insecurities.

 

The two of you have some major issues that have to be discussed ASAP. Sweeping it under the carpet won’t make it go away. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to deal with the mess. Tell him what happened. Tell him what you read, and ask for an explanation. Not ‘excuses.’ And don’t let him turn this around on you. Sure, you were snooping again. But he has been lying. Yours is the lesser of the two evils.

[Sockergurl13]

Wow, Enigma...you put it into persepctive. I know myself well, and i knew that i was making excuses for him...he does claim that i should be able to trust him...after all..."im the bad one with all the guy friends, who gets hit on at all the parties, and who looks around at other people..." (im a people watcher).

 

So i guess overall, im trying to convince myself that i trust him because i am doing both...i am trying to convince myself that i am secure in this relationship..maybe because im used to it...AND because to him its a sign of love and committment...trust...(which it should be...but seems to be lacking on my side to him).

 

He didnt request that i stopped talking to this other guy...he mentioned that it made him uncomfortable and that he didnt like it...he never told me to stop. I did it, assuming it would make him happy...this happened recently, and i havent told him yet about it. He started talking to this girl way before the issue of his comfort of me talking to that guy came up....

 

Haha...i know that part of our relationship is materialitic. I like it that hes good looking and GQ...he likes it that i am the same, so he says...but we do genuinely....ok...we do as far as i know...care about one another deeply.

 

Should i tell him that i stopped talking to the guy i was "dating" briefly, and in return, i want him to stop talking to this girl....o should i tell him full out that i snooped again...and caught him?? Somehow i wish there was a way i could make him proove to me that he told her he was taken, and proove to me that in his e-mails they talked as friends, forcing h im to show me all the e-mails....some wishes dont happen for a reason...

[EnigmaXOXO]

Should i tell him that i stopped talking to the guy i was "dating" briefly, and in return, i want him to stop talking to this girl....o should i tell him full out that i snooped again...and caught him??

 

If the two of you have agreed to enter into a monogamous "relationship," then it is always best to define your boundaries right from the start so that there is no confusion as to what the expectations are for either of you. You can't go back and change the rules mid-game and expect the other won’t offer any resistance.

 

If the two of you are uncomfortable with the other having platonic friends of the opposite sex, then state that up front. If you expect him to give up his female friends, then you must compromise and do the same. No double standards. If opposite sex friends are not an issue for you…then define “up front” what constitutes a ‘friendship’ and what you define as ‘crossing the line.’ Make it clear and leave no loop holes. This way, if someone decides to overstep those boundaries, they do it with full understanding that they are committing a “deal breaker” and are jeopardizing the relationship. It leaves no room for excuses or bouts of temporary amnesia on either partner’s part.

 

You may find that while you and your partner may have many things in common, you may not be in sync when it comes to your definition of what defines a relationship. And being on the same page when it comes to values and expectations is absolutely the most important part of any relationship. If you can’t reach an agreeable compromise that makes BOTH of you happy, your relationship will be dead in the water before it even sails. And I mean “compromise”… and not “sacrifice.” Neither of you should be pressured into giving up any aspect of your former single life that you might later regret and/or resent. Any deal you make must be agreeable to both of you. Otherwise, get out now while the gettin’ is good!

 

NEVER, EVER enter into a relationship with someone thinking that you will be able to ‘change’ them…Or that with time you’ll be able to turn them around and get them to see things your way. It won’t happen. You’ll need to make absolutely sure that you are entering into a relationship with someone who will meet you on equal ground so that you will make a better team when tackling the more important problems that will eventually challenge you down the road. If there’s a crack in the foundation, the relationship will crumble.

 

It’s up to you whether or not you want to disclose the fact that you read his emails. However, I always believe that HONESTY is imperative. No secrets that can later be held over your head. If you want him to be honest, you’ll have to be honest too. And there is no shame in exposing your flaws, weaknesses and insecurities to the people you love. They need to know who you are, too…all the good and bad parts, so they also know exactly what they’re getting.

[moimeme]

I'm a bit puzzled about why this 'ideal date' thing is an issue. She asks him what his ideal date is - and he mentions the date he's about to have with you. I'd take this as a huge compliment. He didn't initiate that part of the conversation. Is she maybe trying to figure out what sorts of dates to propose to a guy since you said she has a friend who's trying to set her up? Is it possible your guy is also trying to set her up?

 

What I'd do, if you want to find out what's up, is ask whether he ever heard again from that person whose email you first read. If he's got nothing to hide, he'll tell you that he has and what they've been talking about.

Instincts can be good, but sometimes one's own fears can masquerade as instinct and it can be hard to tell the difference. So ask first.

[Sockergurl13]

moimeme :

From the e-mail i read, she responded to HIS question of what her ideal date would be...so he DID ask her...As for his response on what his ideal date woul dbe, he said so ONLY AFTER she asked him to respond to his own question....so he is in the wrong for that..and i have asked him if he talked to her...he said yeah but not in a while...which is true if he hadnt talked to her after the last e-mail that was written...and i asked what they talked about...he said work and stuff like that...which is true...but the last e-mail he wrote her had that little, "ideal date" question...he didnt mention that...

 

 

Enigma:

Our boundaries were pretty clear...the guy i talked to was when we were on a break...so we could do so. However..the break is over...and it was over when the e-mail stuff happened...

 

He knew i had guy friends since we first started talking...moslty all my friends are guys and he did have a real hard time with that. He kept telling me that there is no way guys and girls can be "friends." I even rubbed that in his face when this new girl came around...he said "well i guess i was wrong then." Riiiight.

 

I think i am going to either e-mail him at work or talk to him when he gets home...and tell him something along the lines of...since it is a new year and we have had a rough past one getting used to having one another...i think that we should talk about our differences and what we want to see worked on with us this starting new year. I'll mention i stopped talking to the one guy to ease his head, and in response i would like him to stop talking to that e-mail girl..i'll tell him its because the grounds on which they started to talk (being setr up) were unstable, and it makes me uncomfortable that he tried to hide her. Its only fair. I think i can do that...Im still having a hard time deciding whether i should e-mail or talk...and if i should mention the past e-mails i read...i know he will be mad, probably yell, call me paranoid...but then he'd have to explain himself...and to be honest...i dont know if i want to fight today...or just "pretend.." I dont know how he would react....

[EnigmaXOXO]

He knew i had guy friends since we first started talking...moslty all my friends are guys and he did have a real hard time with that. He kept telling me that there is no way guys and girls can be "friends." I even rubbed that in his face when this new girl came around...he said "well i guess i was wrong then." Riiiight.

 

LMAO!!

 

Gonna let you in on a little secret…

 

My partner and I had the same “platonic friend” issues in the beginning when we were dating. He would try to convince me that there was no male-female “chemistry” or lingering emotional ties of any sort between him and his female friends, although most of them were ex-lovers. At the time, I had a few male friends that I use to hang out with before we got together. I voluntarily withdrew contact when I met someone who I was “romantically” interested in, thinking more of his feelings then of my own. On my part, I was not romantically interested in these guys at all. If I had been, they’d have been boyfriends and not “buddies.”

 

I come to believe that it is the “female” in these kinds of friendships that determine where the line is drawn. And although my male buddies were happy to spend time with me, if I had given them any indication that our friendship would be anything more, they probably would have been very open to the opportunity.

 

Meanwhile, my partner had some difficulty putting closure on some of these platonic friendships. I did my best to remain objective, but still refused to let him move in while this issue was still between us. While my partner snuck off to have lunch with a female “buddy,” one of my former guy pals convinced me that I should “ease up” on my platonic friend issues, and accompany him to a ballgame.

After all, if my partner was okay with having female friends, then why should I stop hanging out with my male friends?

 

Made sense! So I went!

 

Weeeeelp…He found out. And let me tell you, he wasn’t the least bit happy! Now suddenly he’s talking about how guys have ulterior motives, and how they just buddy-up to a girl and pretend to be friends waiting for an opening. Sound familiar? Wasn’t he one of these “guys” himself?

 

LOL…its not as horrible as it sounds, actually. When I called him on his “double standards” he even laughed and said “you’re right.” So--- End of “platonic friend” issue for us. Unfortunately it took turning the tables to make him see things from my point of view.

 

Guys sure are difficult to understand sometimes, aren’t they?

[Sockergurl13]

I dont think you know how much this talking on here really eases my mind. I'd like to thank you for replying and helping me out!!

 

I just talked to one of my good guy friends..haha...and he said that i should talk to him if for nothing at all, to ease my mind. Makes sense, thats what everyone tells me.

 

I guess I need to ease into the conversation, and if he doesnt bust out, then im going to rat myself out.

 

I compltely agree wit all you said on the platonic friend issue..my boyfriend and I have had about the SAME thing happen with us...crazy.

 

This sucks real bad...i keep wanting to tell myself that i am overreacting...that i shouldnt be so concerned...he isnt straying from me...so i tell myself...

 

Then i have all the responses harping in myear that its the last thing i should think....

[EnigmaXOXO]

I compltely agree wit all you said on the platonic friend issue..my boyfriend and I have had about the SAME thing happen with us...crazy.

 

You guys, us, and a thousand other couples go through the same thing. There are always issues to be worked out in the beginning. And "worked out" they must before you make any rash decisions to jump into a relationship.

 

You may have to give up your male buddies, or at least include your boyfriend as part of these friendships if you expect the same in return. Otherwise, he might just turn this whole thing around on you.

 

Like I explain to my friends..."we're a package deal"... if you want to hang out, my best friend comes along!

 

You'd be surprised at how many of your "so called" platonic friends vanish when you tell them that...

[Sockergurl13]

I did that with some of my guy friends, and ill admit that i had some guys that i was "friends" with that i kept around knowing they wanted to date me...those guys are and have been gone for a while now...because that wasnt fair to my boyfriend.

 

I invite my boyfriend to come everywhere with me. Another issue in our relationship: It took him about till 2 months ago to een hang out with my best friends, two girls, and he doesnt feel the need to party and go to parties with all my guy friends...seeing he thinks hes 24 now and too old to do that stuff...all right then.

 

I met him through one of his guy friends who was my firned as well....

 

I just talked to him on the phone two minutes ago and told him that i wanted him to com ehome tonight with ideas on things we should make a mutual new years resolution for our relationship to work on....i told him to think of things and when he gets home we're going to talk about them....thats my initial start to bring up the e-mail broad.

 

I dont know how to go about it. I mean i want to tell him: "Look, it really bothers me and i cant shake it off that you talk to this girl, and the basis of your "talking" was her friend that wanted to hook you two up. It bothers me that you initially talked to her, and even more that you still do. You gave her your number i assume, as well as she has you....so where am i supposed to see this going? And more so, i would hate to think about what you talk about in these e-mails...as "platonic" as you calim they are...i have reason to believe they arent all that innocent....."

 

I guess i can do that, and go from there...

 

I planned that when it came up...cause i know it will...i will tell him that his screen was on, and i wanted to check my e-mail...something caught my eye, and i read it, finding that he asked her that question..i dont know..it'll all flow somehow.

 

Wow, his mom just called me, and shes all excited. We're hanging out with his family for New Years instead of going to a party....me and her and real close...i would hate to see him and I end..i hope this doesnt go that way...dont get me wrong.with all this complaining i do love him with my whole heart...this is just rough...